


Hidden Depths

by ImanAngel_YouAss



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Protective Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-07 13:07:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 87,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11624172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImanAngel_YouAss/pseuds/ImanAngel_YouAss
Summary: When an anonymous group target his businessman father, Jensen Ackles doesn’t think too much of it. When the threats become more specific to him – specifically, his dying horribly in their hands – he thinks maybe he might take them a little more seriously.However, his father’s solution to ship him off to some house in the middle of nowhere for protection? A fate worse than death, in Jensen's opinion. May as well give him over to the killers.Only, it doesn’t turn out to be so bad. Sure, there’s a semi-psychotic female who seems hell-bent on threatening him at every turn, and a seemingly never-ending list of chores, but there’s also Jared. Jared,  who lives alone in a cottage and who everyone seems fiercely protective of. Jared,  whose past is shrouded in total mystery. Jared, who Jensen just can’t seem to get out of his head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So first things first - my first ever attempt at a fanfic, or even writing anything quite like this: so, be kind. Be gentle. Be very aware I wrote a vast majority of this under influence of coffee & too little sleep.
> 
> All of this is un-beta'd because, like I said, I'm a newbie.
> 
> Also - heads up, I'm an Australian so my knowledge of American states and areas and all that jazz is non-existent, so let's just gloss over those parts and all pretend it all makes sense. Let's be honest, we're not here for the geography, we're here for the J2 love.
> 
> Um. Insert disclaimer. I own nothing. (No really, if I get sued, I have nothing to offer but my love and like, $5.00)

‘You know,’ Jim Beaver commented with a quick, side-long glance at his companion, ‘you could look a little less like you’re being driven to your execution.’

With a long, drawn-out huff, his passenger, dirty-blonde hair artfully spiked, green eyes swivelling in his direction, freckles sprinkled across his face, turned to glare at him.

‘May as well be’ he grumbled.

Jim sighed. ‘And they call you overdramatic’ he muttered sarcastically.

Jensen Ackles, the youngest son of billionaire business man Alan Ackles, didn’t dignify his old friend with a response.

In the space of the last two weeks, his life had basically been turned upside down. And that sucked because Jensen _liked_ his life, _dammit_ , it was comfortable and easy and, above all else, fun. He was 24, single and rich. It was basically the perfect trifecta. Boozy weekends, endless parties, a stream of attractive, young men blessing his bed (never for more than one night, _oh no_ , because Jensen didn’t _do_ commitment), the odd drug-fuelled night here and there (a snort of a white line went a long way when someone was hungover, Jensen had learned). Zero responsibilities, zero worries and thousands upon thousands of dollars. Alan grumbled, as parents are wont to do, about carelessness, scandals and his “play boy ways,” but it never went beyond that. Jensen knew and accepted that he couldn’t keep his lifestyle forever – he figured, and his father was aware he was sure, that he’d settle down and become a responsible adult sometime around 27, or 28. Start actually doing something with his life. He figured he’d had a few more years before the party ended, but apparently life had other plans.

 _Life could go suck it_ , Jensen thought as he glared out of the car window.

His mother Donna Ackles’s, more primary concern was his complete and utter lack of meaningful relationships in his life. With an older brother already settled, married and working as a doctor, and a younger sister well on her way to attending college and probably finding her Prince Charming, Jensen figured, though, she already had the other kids to provide her with grandchildren and daughters/sons-in-law. The pressure was off him, right?

But, as it turned out, there may have been some element of truth in Donna’s nagging to stop with the one-night stands before someone got hurt. Only, she’d probably thought that “someone getting hurt” meant a broken heart or scandal or damaged reputation. Not that, you know, “someone getting hurt” would mean Jensen was almost suffocated to death with a plastic bag tied around his neck.

Yeah, a bit different.

It started with death threats to Alan Ackles – from some anonymous source, demanding money and retribution for some perceived wrong that Alan had done in running his business. A group claiming that Alan was responsible for the fall of their own company, and demanding he pay the costs he'd caused them to lose. They couldn’t pin point the source, and apart of upping security, didn’t really think too much on it. Then the death threats changed and became more specific – specifically targeting Jensen that is. Threats against his life unless Alan didn’t pay the exorbitant sum of money. Alan took that a little more seriously – for all that he bemoaned Jensen’s lifestyle, he loved his son, loved his entire family.

Jensen, on the other hand, didn’t really take it altogether that seriously at all.

Which is why he’d continued to party and drink and generally be as care-free as he’d always been. His father attached a bigger security detail to follow him, which Jensen, rather than thanking his father for the concern, was more annoyed about, seeing them as “cramping his lifestyle.”

He’d met a guy.

It was at a jam-packed club and Jensen was drunk and the young, lithe-bodied, dark-haired man had been giving him eyes all night across the dance-floor. He was exactly Jensen’s type – thin, long-limbed, come-hither eyes. There was no way that he was going to say no.

They’d hooked up. Grinding and making out on the dance-floor. The young man had whispered filth in his ear, then with a dirty smile, suggested they go back to his, go to somewhere more private. He’d led Jensen out the back door and they’d given the security detail the slip amongst the heaving mass of sweaty bodies and pounding music. He’d gotten willingly, happily into the cab, arrived at an apartment and followed the man in.

They’d started getting hot and heavy, open mouthed kisses and groping hands and Jensen was in his element, drawing moans and whimpers. The man had drawn back and Jensen had chased his kisses, but had been cut off with an offer of a drink. The buzz of alcohol had died down in the midst of the hooking up, so Jensen accepted. Whisky was poured, he took a gulp. They went back to kissing and –

And things started to tilt, started to feel woozy.

He’d broken off the kiss and swayed, slid off the bed to the floor, trying to apologise, trying to say that something felt off, but only getting out slurred words and noises. The man – his blurry form sliding in and out of focus, doubling and tripling, stood dispassionately above him.

And Jensen, in whatever drug and alcohol haze he was in, realised that he might be in deep shit.

He’d tried to crawl towards the door, but the floor felt like it was shifting and tilting and rolling beneath his feet and when he thought he was on all fours, he’d blinked and realised that no, he was on his side, limbs feebly flailing, everything spinning.

The young man had moved away, was grabbing something, was approaching him again. Jensen tried to roll or move, but his limbs were sluggish and uncooperative. Then the young man dropped down, straddled his hips and slipped the plastic bag over his head.

The panic was immediate – sharp, hot fear exploding in his chest and he’d tried desperately to move his arms, to buck his hips to throw the man off, but nothing was moving, nothing was responding. It was akin to a worst nightmare, where you try to run or move but are completely, totally and utterly paralysed, helpless.

The tape was wrapped around his neck, tight and unyielding and Jensen’s head was rolling feebly on the floor. Everything was distorted by the plastic bag and the drugs, the suffocating heat of the plastic sucking into his mouth. He tried to breath, his chest starting to heave because _there was no air, no fresh air._

His eyes rolled wildly in his head, dark spots dancing, the young man still heavy on his hips, staring down at him. He was saying something and Jensen could barely hear him through his own panicked gasping –

_‘We warned your Dad.’_

The sudden clarity that he was going to die, that this was how he went out made a hoarse sob choke Jensen even more. _He didn’t want to die, he wasn’t ready, this couldn’t happen, this_ –

Then the door had burst open, practically bouncing off the wall with excessive force. There was a gunshot, sharp and loud, and blood sprayed across the plastic bag over Jensen’s face and the man’s head snapped back and his body slumped sideways.

A flurry of movement and activity, someone dragging the heavy body off him and another slicing the plastic bag. A gush of fresh air and Jensen had time to gulp down two breaths, before he turned his head to one side and vomited.

It had turned out that the security detail had seen him leaving with the young man, but hadn’t been in time to stop him. One of them had snagged the taxi id and quickly tailed them both. It had taken a bit to work out exactly which apartment they were in – and a few families and old ladies were given borderline heart attacks by a bunch of muscled men bursting in with guns, realising they had the wrong apartment, apologising profusely and racing out, all in about the space of five minutes – but they’d gotten there in time.

The entire family had started taking the death threats a little more seriously after that.

Which was how Jensen came to be where he was now – a passenger in the seat of the car of one of his family’s oldest friends, Jim Beaver, driving through endless woods, in the middle of Bumfuck Nowehere (ok, actually somewhere in remote Montana) and what feels like a million miles from his home, his family and his life.

They’d decided on a safe-house for Jensen. Until they’d figured out who was behind the threats and caught the culprits, the entire family needed to lay low. As Jensen appeared to be one of the primary targets, they’d decided to ship him to an undisclosed location, somewhere no one would find him or even think to find him.

Enter Jim Beaver.

He’d known the family since… well, since as far back as Jensen could remember. The grizzly haired, beared, baseball-cap wearing old man was a retired federal agent, and had served with Alan in some war at some point and they’d been lifelong friends. They didn’t see each other often – they moved in different circles now. Alan and his family living the high life once his business hit the big-time, and Jim Beaver retiring and preferring the quiet of his home in Texas, with his wife Samantha, on a large acre of land.

When they’d involved Jim, Jensen had thought that Jim’s land would be where he was staying. He wouldn’t have minded that. It was still near a town, still near civilisation. But no, the links to Jim were too easy to track, they’d said. They needed somewhere where there would be no links to the Ackles family, and somewhere entirely hidden from civilisation. And so Jim had volunteered the home of one Kim Rhodes.

Jim and Kim had known each other way, way, way, _way_ back. She'd worked for the FBI at one point, not as an agent, but as a sort of social worker, working with them when kids were involved, the types of kids that no one else knew how to handle. Eventually she'd called it quits on this, bought herself a large portion of farm-land in remote Montana. But she still took in kids from the streets, kids who were selling themselves, kids on drugs, kids with nowhere else to go, no avenue to turn to, no one left to believe in them, and she helped them, as best as she could. Mostly it involved putting the kids to work on her farm. The hard work, she said, helped the kids get purpose.

She didn’t do it so much anymore, Jim explained, when Jensen had baulked at the idea of living with what he considered to be “teenage junkies” – she lived basically alone now, having stated she was “too old for this shit anymore”, which had had Jim chuckling when he said it.

So no teenage junkies. Which was a plus, Jensen figured, and just _one single_ plus in _a whole god damn plethora of crosses_ , which included but was not limited to: little to no civilisation, no social interaction and goddamn _farm work_.

So yeah, maybe he was feeling a little like he was going to his own execution, sue him. He’d almost been killed, had his whole life turned upside and was now being shipped to a halfway home for wayward kids. He figured he was entitled to a little self-pity.

‘How much farther have we got to go?’ he asked Jim.

Jim drummed his fingers on the steering wheel of the car. ‘Maybe… two hours or so?’ he answered.

Jensen let out a groan and slumped his head against the window. ‘Two hours? You’re kidding me right? Jesus Christ, how does she stand it? Livin’ so far away from… from _everything_?’

Jim chuckled. ‘Some people like the quiet,’ he replied. ‘’Sides, there’s a town about an hour west of her house so it ain’t that bad.’

‘And by “town” you really mean, three houses, one shopping centre and a rundown pub, don’t you?’

Jim pursed his lips. ‘Don’t be stereotypin’, boy,’ he reprimanded, before he quirked a smile, ‘there’s at least five houses there.’

Jensen groaned again, slumped further against the window and closed his eyes. ‘Just… wake me when we get there,’ he sighed. ‘Or, you know, better yet, don’t wake me up, _ever_ , and I can just sleep through this whole goddamn nightmare.’

Jim rolled his eyes and purposefully clicked on the radio and cranked the music. Jensen scowled, tightened his eyes shut even more and silently hated the entire world.

 

******

 

Despite what Jensen considered to be Jim’s unwarranted and entirely cruel attempts to keep him awake with a radio that seemed to only be able to play country music – and not even good country music, but the bad kind of country music, usually performed by some washed up wanna-be who bemoaned his long lost love, who, you know, probably wouldn’t have left the dude if he’d just given up his stupid dreams of becoming a country music star and actually started to provide for her…

 _Despite_ this, and Jim’s accompanying off-tune humming and attempts to sing, he actually managed to drift off into sleep for the remaining two hours of the trip.

However, he sort of wished he’d never fallen asleep, when his dreams took a turn from making out with Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortenson in full Lord of the Rings regalia (Lord of the Rings may or may not have been one of his guilty pleasures) to a blurred apartment, tilting floors and dispassionate, blank eyes, a heavy weight on his hips, pinning him down and – and – and – _and not being able to breathe, he couldn’t breathe, something was smothering his mouth, the taste of plastic and the sour taste of fear and terror and –_

And Jensen jolted away with a start and a gasp, wrenching upright in his passenger seat. His heart thundered in his chest, pounding at twice the normal speed, his mouth dry with fear, the remnants of the dream clinging to him.

He scrubbed a hand roughly across his face to rid the lingering feel of plastic against his skin, taking a deep, trembling breath.

When he lowered his hand he saw Jim looking sideways at him from the driver’s seat. ‘You ok, son?’ his gruff voice was tempered by underlying concern.

Jensen avoided his gaze. ‘’M fine,’ he said roughly.

‘Uh-huh, _right_ ,’ Jim said sceptically, shaking his head a little. ‘Well, in any case, we’re here now, so it’s ‘bout time you woke up from your beauty sleep.’

Jensen glanced out the window, for the first time realising that the road beneath the wheels had been replaced with bumpy rough gravel as they drove down a long, stony, gravel driveway.

He leant forward a little to peer at the house at the end of the driveway. It was huge, he’d give Kim Rhodes that, at least three storeys high, but unlike the mansions he was accustomed to seeing in his neighbourhood, all polished paint and perfection, this mansion was semi crumbling, had a ramshackle quality about it – patchy paint, undoubtedly do-it-yourself amateur repairs, mismatching curtains and, hell, even some repairs had been done in substances completely differing from the core structure of the house. It was, thought, Jensen had to admit, homey. Which surprised him, because he would have thought that his initial reaction to anything less-than-polished would have been disdain, but there was something undeniably endearing about this house.

There was a small cottage he could make out that was behind the mansion and to one side, a ways back from the main mansion, it’s own little self-contained structure, quaint and semi hidden by some larger, shadowy trees and what looked like a magnificent garden. There was a barn to the other side as well, a chicken coop that Jensen could also make out. Large paddocks surrounding the house and the driveway they were trundling down, and Jensen could make out horses, cows and sheep ambling through the fields. He couldn’t see any veggie gardens and figured they must be behind the mansion, out the back, joining with the magnificent garden that semi-hid the cottage.

The car pulled to a halt in front of the house. Jensen wasted no time in clamouring from the car, eager to stretch his legs out after the long hours driving. He stretched tall and cricked his neck and back and shook his aches out. He turned to the house and started a little when he saw that someone was standing on the front porch, leaning against the porch’s railings, arms crossed in front of her chest.

She was gorgeous, Jensen acknowledged, because as much as his preference was for men, he’d had his fair share of girls too – tiny and petite, with dark brown hair tumbling down her shoulders, big eyes and a wide, pouty mouth. If it wasn’t for the fact that she was glaring with something akin to disgust at Jensen and the fact that her entire demeanour practically screamed that she could kill him in an instant, he’d have even considered trying to hit that during his stay.

He swallowed a little under her scrutiny. ‘Uh, are you Kim?’ he ventured.

There was a bark of laughter from somewhere to his left.

‘I wish!’ a cheerful voice exclaimed. ‘If I looked like that, I’d be tearin’ up Hollywood instead of slummin’ it out here.’

Jensen spun around as a woman approached, having emerged from the barn, a full laundry basket held in her wiry, strong arms. Her hair was dark and cropped short into a pixie cut, her face sharp, but with underlying warmth sparkling in her brown eyes. There were tattoos along her arms and where the laundry basket caught the hem of her shirt and caused it to ride up, Jensen could see more tattoos adorning her abdomen. Jensen hazarded that she was probably a little over forty-five, but the energy crackling beneath the surface was something more akin to a twenty year old.

She turned her head to grin at Jim as he emerged from the car. ‘Jim Beaver, you old dog! You look twice as old as the last time I saw you!’

Jim grinned back at her. ‘And you look twice as young,’ he answered, before moving to approach her. ‘Here, let me grab that for you – ’ he gestured to the laundry basket.

Kim shook her head. ‘Bah, forget about it, wouldn’t want you to put your back out, old man,’ she grinned, then looked to Jensen. ‘And you must be Jensen Ackles. My newest lodger for the foreseeable future.’

Jensen bobbed his head awkwardly. ‘Ma’am’ he said, because he was nothing if not polite, rich or not

. ‘Well, come on then,’ Kim said as the started up the steps onto the porch. ‘Grab your stuff and come on in – you have time to stick around for a coffee, Jim?’

‘I always have time for you, Kim’ Jim answered.

Kim snorted. ‘I see the old silver tongue is still getting a workout,’ she said, stomping to the door and beginning to head inside.

Jim started to follow her, offering the keys to Jensen as he did.

‘I – what?’ Jensen blinked at the key.

Jim arched an eyebrow. ‘To open the trunk? Get your stuff out?’ Jensen blinked again.

‘I – you – I have to carry my own stuff in?’ the words tumbled out before he could stop them.

There was a loud, disdainful snort from the girl on the porch, and she turned away and followed Kim inside, shaking her head. Jensen felt his face flush.

He grabbed the keys. ‘I’ll meet you in there in a sec’ he grumbled.

Jim tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile as he watched Jensen head for the boot of the car. He probably should have warned Jensen a little more about how little airs and graces there would be around this place, but, he figured, this was kind of more fun.

 

****

 

By the time Jensen had dragged his suitcase inside (and _boy_ was he regretting packing so much by this point), Kim, Jim and the girl had congregated in the kitchen. He left the suitcase in the hallway and followed the sound of voices, eventually entering the simple, rustic kitchen.

Kim was currently spooning instant coffee into separate cups as she chatted to Jim, who was seated at the rustic, wood table. The girl was leaning against the stainless steel fridge.

Kim looked up at his entrance. ‘There you are,’ she said. ‘You want a coffee?’

Jensen’s eyes zeroed on the instant coffee granules. ‘Do you only have instant?’ he blurted out without thinking.

For the second time in less than ten minutes, the girl snorted at him.

Kim laughed. ‘Sorry kiddo, no expresso machines or Starbucks around here,’ she winked at him. ‘It’s instant or nothing, ‘m’fraid.’

Jensen winced a little. In his experience instant coffee was a little like dishwater, but he felt a sudden surge to prove to these people (ok, to the girl) that he could slum it with the best of them.

(It occurred briefly to him that if his idea of “slumming it” was drinking instant coffee, he was probably more of a snob than he realised, but he quickly quashed that thought.)

‘Black, no sugar’ he said determinedly to Kim.

Kim nodded and started to prepare his cup as Jensen sat down at the table with Jim.

‘So I understand you don’t know how long you’ll be staying with us?’ Kim asked as she handed out the coffees.

Jensen wasn’t sure how much Jim had told her – about the death threats, the probable danger of having him around – and he fiddled with the mug a little. ‘Uh, yeah… I mean… yeah, we’re not sure how long… just, how long everything’ll be…’ he waved a hand a little, ‘… be, y’know. Crazy. I guess. Might be a while I s’pose.’

‘Great’ the girl muttered somewhere behind him.

Kim rolled her eyes. ‘How about you go sort the laundry Gen?’ she said pointedly to the girl.

The girl sniffed, a little put out, but shrugged her shoulders and left the room, taking the basket of laundry that had been deposited on the ground with her.

Kim smiled at Jensen once she was gone. ‘Don’t mind Genevieve,’ she said. ‘She’s a little bristly at first, but she’s actually a big softie at heart. She’s been here with me for going on six years now, helping me out, helping me keep this place afloat. She’s got a good heart. She’s just… protective.’

‘Of you?’ Jensen said.

Kim suddenly looked evasive. She avoided his gaze. ‘Just… protective’ she answered.

Which, Jensen thought, wasn’t really an answer at all.

‘So listen,’ Kim took a seat, ‘Jim filled me in on what’s going on – the death threats and all – but this place is about as isolated as you can get, so if you’re gonna be safe anywhere, it’d be here.’

‘Alan’s sending some security,’ Jim said. ‘Just in case. They should be here by tonight. Just a few guys – three at most I think.’

Kim nodded. ‘Yeah, he gave me a call to ask if it was ok,’ she answered. ‘I said so long as they ain’t brain dead morons who get in my way, I’m happy to have them around.’

Jim chuckled. ‘I give you a day before you put them to work lifting anything heavy.’

‘Hey, look, if you’re gonna stay here, you gotta earn your keep,’ Kim said, before she swivelled her gaze square on Jensen. ‘Which brings me to my rules.’

Jensen tensed a little. He had a sudden vision of becoming a Cinderella-esq slave, scrubbing floors and cooking meals.

‘I only got two rules,’ Kim continued. ‘One is, like I said, you stay here, you gotta earn your keep. Now, I can see the panic in your eyes, and don’t go getting your panties in a twist just yet – I’m not talkin’ slave labor, kiddo, just helping out around the house. Basic chores – cooking, cleaning and the like. But I’m nothing if not fair – everything you do, I’ll do as well. We all help out equally around here.’

‘All – as in you and Genevieve?’ Jensen clarified.

‘There’s Gen, yeah, and Danni – she works in town, but she boards here too,’ Kim said. ‘And Tahmoh is here from time to time too, helping out at the barn. Takes more than two people to run the place, kiddo.’

‘Right,’ Jensen nodded.

‘Rule number two,’ Kim went on, and she glanced at Jim for a moment, pausing, then looked back at Jensen. ‘Stay outta the cottage.’

‘The cottage?’ Jensen blinked.

‘Yeah, just… stay away from it, ok?’ Kim pressed. ‘The whole area – the gardens, the veggie gardens, the back yard – we got… we’ve already got someone taking care of that, you don’t need to be nosing around there, ok?’

Jensen stared at her, the faint stirrings of unease trickling down his spine. ‘Why?’ he asked.

Kim took a drink from her coffee. ‘That, my boy, is none of your concern. All you gotta do is obey the rules, not question ‘em, got it?’

‘But,’ Jensen protested, ‘I mean – what – is there something dangerous there? I should know about it if it –’

‘Jensen, son,’ Jim interrupted gruffly, catching his gaze and holding it. ‘Just leave it be, ok? This ain’t your house, you’re a guest, and you respect your host, ok?’

Jensen wanted to protest more, wanted to push the matter, force Kim into telling him what was so mysterious and elusive about the cottage and the gardens, but Jim’s stoic face made him swallow the argument back down. There was a hint of pleading in Jims eyes and Jensen thought that this rule number two might be a deal-breaker if he disobeyed it. He didn’t want to be here, that much was true, but – and the phantom scent of plastic filled his nostrils – he also didn’t want to die.

‘Ok,’ he said finally, ‘ok, got it. Two rules. No arguments. Got it.’

And he and Kim clinked mugs to seal the deal.


	2. Chapter 2

After two weeks of boarding with Kim, Jensen felt things begin to settle and a routine of sorts begin to form. He started to get used to quiet nights, being in bed before 11pm and rising at the crack of the dawn, rudely awoken by the rooster crowing and the general sounds of life from outside. He got used to home-cooked hearty meals, as opposed to takeaway and light, LA-style carb-free-gluten-free-sugar-free- _everything_ -free cuisine. It was odd to be tucking into mashed potatoes made with real cream and butter – but Jensen couldn’t deny the flavour was amazing. He got used to the work – found that scrubbing floors, mucking out stalls and hefting bales of hay was more of a workout than anything that his personal trainer could subject him to. He met Tahmoh, a tall, dark-haired handsome man, strong-jawed and burly, but oddly softly-spoken and gentle, a contrast to his brawny muscles. At the beginning of the second week he met Danneel, the gorgeous, vivacious red-head with a sharp-wit and a dirtier mind than any other person Jensen had ever met. He liked her immediately. As a matter of fact, contrary to every expectation he’d had, he kind of liked… well, _everything_.

He had probably breathed in more fresh air in the past fortnight then he ever had in his entire life. He been dirtier and more tired than ever before, his perfect nails all but black beneath them now, no matter how much he scrubbed at them. But he felt, at the end of each day, like he’d actually accomplished things.

That’s not to say there weren’t periods of boredom. Some days he’d complete whatever chores and be at a loss of what to do. There was a spacious lounge room with squishy, expansive couches and a television, but the reception was poorly and the selection of movies made him grimace. He’d wander around the house at a bit of a loss, mourning a lack of an internet connection and feeling a little disconnected from the rest of the world. He’d come across a stack of books once in the lounge room – an eclectic range from Jane Austen and Charles Dickens to a recent Stuart McBride thriller. It was odd, because he’d never really seen Gen or Danneel or Kim or Tahmoh read, so he didn’t really know who’s books they were, but when they were still there, untouched, after two days, he promptly took them for himself to his room. He’d never been much of a reader himself, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Danneel and Tahmoh both appeared to have other jobs, other lives so they weren’t around as often as Jensen would have liked, seeing as how he got along so well with both of them. Gen was… Gen was, Jensen supposed, warming to him. In as much as she didn’t seem to glare with as much hatred whenever he was around and, after two weeks, even begrudgingly allowed herself to be drawn into a conversation from time to time with him. It was slow going – almost like pulling teeth – but when he did manage to talk to her, Gen was so genuinely interesting and sharp-witted it was kind of worth it.

He’d managed to glean so far that she’d grown up with a terrible home life and had eventually escaped it as a teen, essentially boarding a Greyhound bus and letting it take it as far as her money had stretched. She’d lived on the streets and was somewhat of an expert pickpocket, a real-life burglar, until she’d, at the age of nineteen, tried to rob Kim of her purse. She’d failed in gaining a purse, but had gained a room and a second shot at life instead.

So all in all, everything wasn’t altogether as horrific as Jensen had envisioned it being. He checked in daily with his father to check the progress of tracking down the people behind the threats, and felt only mildly disappointed when there was no update or progress. His two bodyguards, Rob and Richard, had arrived on cue a day or two after his arrival, but Jensen didn’t get to see them much. They mostly patrolled the perimeter, kept an eye on everything and avoided going near Kim lest she try to rope them into mucking out the horse stalls or some such other task. It was a pity, because back in LA, Jensen had gotten along really well with Rob and Rich, played poker with them, drank beers with them, but with a very real, actual threat hanging over their heads, they were one hundred percent focused on their jobs. Which, Jensen supposed, in the interest of, well, _keeping him alive_ , was a good thing, but in the interest of keeping his entertained, kinda sucked.

And, above all else, he’d, even after a little over a fortnight, totally managed to refrain from going into the backyard or the cottage.

It was something to be proud of, Jensen figured, considering he wasn’t exactly a model of self-control. And considering his own room had a spectacular view over what genuinely looked like an amazing garden – a mass of flowers, ferns and beautifully tended to bushes, with a row of flourishing fruit trees, most of which semi-concealed the cottage, and a cordoned off separate vegetable garden that gleaned an abundance of fresh vegetables. He never saw anyone in the garden, never saw someone tending to it, and he’d looked out during the night and day from his room, unable to stop himself. Obviously someone _was_ looking after it, but damned if Jensen knew when. d see a light on in the cottage, so someone was obviously living there, and the curiosity was literally burning him up from the inside.

It’d gotten the better of him a few times, and uncontrollable urge to see _who_ was living there, and _what_ was so terrifying about them that Jensen wasn’t even allowed near them, and he’d made a beeline for the door that led out to the back, or, whilst outside, started to veer around the house, but it was like Genevieve had a sixth sense for this and she would always, without fail, suddenly appear, glowering heavily, arms crossed and he’d beat a hasty retreat instantly.

It was towards the end of the third week, and Jensen was in his room, looking out his window and trying to pretend that he wasn’t squinting intensely at the cottage, trying to make out… well, _anything_ , when there was a knock at his door the exact instant that it also swung open.

Jensen jumped and turned quickly, trying to hide the fact that he’d been spying out the window. He glared at Gen, who was standing in his doorway.

‘You know normally when people knock, they actually _wait_ for an answer before they go ahead and open the door’ he snarked at her.

Gen shrugged. ‘You know that no matter how hard you stare out that window you’re never going to be able to see into the cottage, right?’ she said.

Jensen’s face flushed. ‘I wasn’t – ’ he faltered. ‘That’s not – ’

He sighed and deflated. ‘What do you want anyway?’

Gen stepped into the room. ‘I’m going into town on a supply run – figured I’d ask if you wanted to come along?’

Jensen perked up immediately, his face brightening. Ok, so he didn’t mind being here, but that didn’t mean that he also wasn’t intensely craving some civilisation. ‘Really? Into town? I mean, I thought I was strictly under house arrest or something? I didn’t think I was allowed to go out into town?’

‘Not dressed like that you’re not’ Gen answered, holding out a bulging plastic bag.

Jensen warily took it from her and peered at the contents. He tugged out a pair of almost threadbare, worn trousers that looked like they’d swamp even his tall frame, an oversized flannel that slightly resembled a tablecloth he’d once seen at an aunt’s place, and a black beanie.

‘What – no glasses and moustache?’ he said.

It startled a laugh out of Gen and Jensen couldn’t help grinning triumphantly at that.

‘Just get changed, you dork,’ Gen said, but it lacked the normal heat in her normal words, and she was still slightly smiling.

She turned to leave to allow him to get dressed, but half turned back, her smirk widening. ‘Also… there actually is a pair of glasses in there. Fake lenses of course. So you’re not far off.’

Jensen upended the bag onto his bed once she was gone and laughed as he saw the wire-rimmed glasses that tumbled out.

As far as “disguises” went, it felt like it was on-par with Superman donning glasses to become Clark Kent, but Jensen figured, with the clothes practically swamping his frame, the beanie pulled down low, concealing his hair, and the glasses perched on the tip of his nose, plus the minute changes that had occurred to his body just from the sunlight, the working hard, he probably looked different enough from his usual shiny, LA self to throw off the majority of people.

They clambered into the old, run-down pick-up truck, Gen looking a little bit ridiculous in all her petite, 5 foot something glory, commanding the beast of a vehicle (though Jensen would never say that aloud, because he liked his testicles where they were, thank you very much), and set off, trundling down the worn, gravel path away from the house.

Behind them, the nondescript black car that the bodyguards used followed behind, driven by Rich. One of the bodyguards was supposed to stay behind to keep an eye on the house and Jensen had found Rob and Rich playing paper-scissors-rock to see who had to stay. It appeared he wasn’t the only one who was missing civilisation.

The car was so out-dated that it only played cassettes and Gen shoved a frayed, cardboard box filled with tapes across to Jensen as they started driving.

‘Pick something to play,’ she said. ‘Something good. Bear in mind, I will be judging you by whatever you choose.’

Jensen snorted as he pulled the box into his lap and began rifling through the tapes. ‘Considering these tapes are like, the best of mullet-rock, I feel like you’re setting me up for failure from the get-go’ he commented.

Gen’s mouth twitched. ‘Not enough Justin Beiber for your liking?’

Jensen shot her a glare. ‘You know, I’ve been staying here for almost a month, and out of everything you've ever teased, I have to say, that is probably the most insulting thing you’ve ever said to me.’

He selected an ACDC tape and shoved it into the player, pressing play and shooting Gen a look like he dared her to comment. Gen only nodded her head, still slightly smirking. They drove for a while simply listening to the music, before Jensen couldn’t help but attempt to start a conversation.

‘So… a supply run huh?’ he said finally. ‘I thought the place was self-sufficient?’

Gen shrugged. ‘For the most part, yeah,’ she answered. ‘But there’s some stuff that even Kim can’t manufacture on her farm. Y’know, stuff like shampoo, soap, toiletries. Not that she hasn’t tried,’ Gen huffed a laugh and a little genuine smile curved on her lips. ‘Man, you should’ve been around when Kim tried to make her own shampoo – it was a total disaster. That stuff almost made poor Jar – ’

It was like a sudden switch had flicked and Gen stopped talking completely suddenly, her jaw snapping shut with an audible snap, her eyes widened slightly, like she hadn’t realised what she’d been about to say. Jensen stared.

Gen took a deep breath and hastily spoke, for the first time in the time that Jensen had known her actually seeming flustered and out of her depth, ‘it – it just – was – was bad is all. Stuff was sticky. Gross. Anyway. Yeah. So. Supply run. For that kind of stuff.’

Then she reached over, turned the music up louder and studiously ignored looking in Jensen’s direction.

Jensen opened his mouth to say something, then closed it and shook his head, staring out the passenger window. “Jar” something. Ok, so the mystery cottage dweller, Jensen mused to himself, appeared to have at least half of a name. Well, it was a start.

 

***

 

The town was as small as Jensen had expected to be, but having been deprived of any sort of civilisation beyond the confines of Kim’s house, it was still a sight for sore eyes. They pulled up at the grocery store, which was fairly sizable for what looked to be a family-owned business. It had a mom-and-pop vibe about it, and as they entered, the woman working the counter, a willowy blonde with a kind smile, waved and greeted Gen by name. The place was called S&J’s and Gen explained it was owned by Samantha, the blonde, and her husband Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

As was typical for a small town, Gen seemed to know everyone, and everyone seemed to know her – it was almost slightly disarming seeing this pleasant, sociable side to Gen, who, it seemed, reserved her terrifying glares solely for Jensen. She took great delight in introducing him by a different name (he was, apparently, Leroy) and a back-story about why he was staying with Kim, which grew more elaborate with each person, and also more embarrassing.

By the time they’d left the grocery store and were loading the purchases into the tray of the truck, Jensen was glaring at Gen.

‘You were enjoying that far too much’ he growled.

Gen laughed. ‘What? You didn’t like my back-story?’ she grinned. ‘The Viagra-addicted twink from LA? I thought it was well-thought out and riveting, personally.’

‘You suck’ Jensen rolled his eyes.

‘According to my story, so do you’ Gen teased back.

‘I hate you’ Jensen muttered.

Gen laughed and clapped his back. ‘Well, that’s too bad, because you’re starting to grow on me.’

And this time there was an underlying layer of sincerity to Gen’s words and Jensen sighed, finding all his annoyance draining away.

‘That was playing dirty’ he told the petite brunette.

Gen winked at him as she swung herself into the driver’s seat. ‘Seven years on the streets, my friend,’ she said. ‘Playing dirty is all you learn there.’

She started the vehicle as Jensen buckled up. ‘I’ve just got to swing by one more place,’ she told him. ‘The bookstore down the block, gotta pick up some books. Shouldn’t take too long.’

Jensen recalled the pile of books he’d sequestered into his room. ‘You and Kim big readers then?’ he asked.

Gen shrugged. ‘Yeah sure. Books are awesome. Yay words.’

‘Right’ Jensen said, arching an eyebrow.

He didn’t push the matter, lapsing into silence. They drove to the bookstore and parked up and Gen slid from the truck.

‘It’s a bit of an eclectic store,’ she said, gesturing to the nondescript store-front. ‘Got books, movies and even records, if you wanted to have a look around?’

Jensen didn’t need to be told twice. He hopped from the truck and followed Gen in. The brunette headed for the counter, obviously to pick up her order, and Jensen took to the aisles, wandering until he came across the dvd section. The dismal collection at Kim’s left a lot to be desired, so he browsed the titles to find a few decent things to watch to pass the time.

He was bent over, scanning over the DVD box-set of the Die Hard movies when what felt like a miniature cannonball slammed into his back and a pair of tiny, but surprisingly strong, arms latched around his waist.

Jensen made a gasping noise as all the breath was driven from his lungs. ‘Wha – ’ he gasped.

‘Jared!’ a voice squealed from whatever was clinging to him. ‘You didn’t tell me you were coming for a visit! Gen finally dragged you outside huh? ‘Bout time! I’ve been telling you and telling you about that new chocolate croissant thing at Matt’s bakery and I don’t have anyone else to come be fat with me so you better be hungry right now so we can –’

While the happy, bouncy voice had been talking rapid-fire, the grip around Jensen’s waist had loosened and Jensen managed to tug free and turn around. A tiny dark-haired bundle of energy, who looked to be about twenty, with big, brown eyes was beaming up at him as she rambled – a beam that died as abruptly as her ramble when she saw his face. She took a step backwards.

‘You’re not Jared’ she said, and there was a hint of accusation in her voice.

Jensen scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. ‘Uh, no… sorry?’ he offered.

The girl narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Why are you wearing Jared’s clothes?’ she demanded.

Jensen was feeling a bit lost. ‘I don’t – Gen just – ‘ he shrugged helplessly. ‘I don’t know? I don’t even know who Jared is?’

The girl pursed her lips and arched her eyebrow. ‘Then why –’

‘Sandy!’ Gen’s voice called, and she appeared in the aisle behind them. ‘Hey, there you are.’

The girl, Sandy, looked to Gen, then to Jensen. ‘Gen, why’s this dude –’

‘This is Jensen’ Gen interrupted abruptly.

Jensen blinked at her, startled. ‘Gen – ’ he hissed, because she’d used his real name and he didn’t even know who this girl was.

Gen waved a hand at him. ‘It’s fine, it’s ok, she knows,’ she said impatiently.

And, indeed, Sandy’s eyes had widened and a flood of recognition had washed over her face. ‘Oh – oh! Right, of course!’ she clapped a hand to her forehead. ‘Duh! I knew that. Well, I _should’ve_ known that. Ugh. I need another coffee. Clearly,’ she sighed to herself, then smiled at Jensen. ‘ _Anyway_! Let’s start over, hi Jensen, I’m Sandy.’

Jensen managed a smile back. ‘Hi,’ he answered. ‘I… uh… not to sound rude, but you know about me how?’

Sandy waved a hand. ‘Oh, I’m over at Kim’s all the time,’ she explained. ‘If they hadn’t told me I’d have sniffed it out eventually. It’s all good,’ she winked conspiratorially at him, ‘your secret’s safe with me. Actually, I’m totally surprised I haven’t run into you yet, I’m over like every second day visiting Jar – ’

Gen cleared her throat.

Sandy blinked, then rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, right, _that_ ,’ she sniffed, then looked to Jensen. ‘I don’t envy you living with Miss and Mrs Mysterious 24/7,’ she said to him.

Jensen gave a startled laugh. He kind of liked Sandy.

Gen made a noise that was almost a growl and tugged on Jensen’s arm. ‘C’mon, I’ve got the books, let’s get going’ she said.

Sandy surprised him by giving him a big hug. Then she surprised him even more by sniffing his tshirt. She giggled.

‘You still smell like him,’ she informed him with a cheeky grin. ‘Gotta get him some new cologne. Anyway, nice meeting you Jensen! I’ll come say hi next time I’m over!’

And then she was gone, bounding away down the hallway. Jensen allowed himself to be tugged by Gen out to the vehicle. They got into the car, Gen started the vehicle and Jensen turned to face her.

‘So the guy who lives in the cottage who I’m not allowed to meet for some reason is named Jared and I’m wearing his clothes?’ he said.

Gen sighed. ‘I’m going to kill Sandy’ she said simply.

Jensen didn’t bother to push, he simply grinned and looked back out the window. He hoped Gen didn’t notice when he surreptitiously sniffed the flannel and smiled a little. Because whoever this Jared was, he actually smelled pretty nice.


	3. Chapter 3

It happened about four days after Jensen had been into town and met the exuberant Sandy and found out the snippets of details. He found himself wandering near the back door that led to the cottage and garden and hovered a moment, waiting for the inevitable arrival of Genevieve or Kim.

When nothing happened, he had a sudden vague recollection that the two women were doing something with the horses, and the equally sudden realisation that they’d left him entirely to his own devices.

And really, how strong did they think he was?

In an instant, he’d bolted out the back door and into the garden. It was, as he’d expected, quite gorgeous out there, peaceful and soothing, the sounds of birds and chirruping cicadas. He wandered down the pathway towards the cottage, conscious that was he was making an effort to be as quiet as possible.

When he drew closer to the cottage, he caught the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the air and for a moment felt a spike of betrayal – "instant coffee only" his ass! Kim had been holding out on him! Clearly whoever this Jared was who was living in the cottage had all the creature comforts that Jensen had been denied.

He wasn’t going to stride up to the front door and knock, because he wasn’t stupid. There was a reason that Kim and Gen were keeping him away from this person, and he didn’t know what it was, but if there was a chance that the person was dangerous, he didn’t exactly want to throw himself right into the path of danger. He was conscious that Kim did take in people who’d been on drugs or on the streets and for all he knew it was a mental patient living in that cottage. A mental patient who apparently wore nice cologne and enjoyed eating chocolate croissants with Sandy… but still, you could never be too cautious.

He felt vaguely ridiculous as he ducked down low through the gardens, circling around the cottage. It was quaint and small made of bricks and the front door was slightly ajar. He rounded to the side and there was a large open window and he couldn't help creeping close and peering inside.

It was, Jensen assumed, the lounge of the cottage and for a second he blinked in shock, because the walls had been all but converted into bookcases, filled to the brim with books. It was like looking into a library – albeit a very _messy_ one, because the books were not just contained to the shelves, there were waist high piles on the soft, worn, chocolate carpet, and stacked onto the rustic, wooden tables. It was amazing and Jensen couldn’t help but think it looked undeniably cosy. And then there was the couch. Long, and a little well-worn looking, squishy and soft, a lightly brown colour, with oversized cushions and a crocheted blanket draped over the back, looking like the most comfortable thing in the world.

And, sprawling in the couch, was a boy.

Well, not a _boy_ , he had to be at least nineteen, Jensen figured. And… well, he was _gorgeous_. All high cheekbones, and slanted cat-like eyes, with a mess of floppy, brown hair falling shaggily almost to his shoulders and soft lips. He was tall, Jensen could tell, and thin, with his long gangly limbs tucked up onto the couch, his lean frame swamped in an oversized hoodie and soft-looking jeans, and his feet poking out from under the frayed hems clad in, and Jensen couldn’t help but almost snort, bright pink, fluffy socks. There was a book in his lap that he was immersed in, a tiny – and adorable, Jensen thought instantly – crease in his brow as he concentrated on the words. A cup of coffee cooled on the table beside the couch and all in all it looked like the most domestic, peaceful scene Jensen had ever seen.

This was what Kim and Gen hid from him? A nineteen year old kid? A _gorgeous_ nineteen year old at that, Jensen couldn’t help but think, because, _Christ_ , the kid was _exactly_ his type, and if he’d spotted that across the dance-floor in a club he’d have made it his life’s mission to get him sprawled out underneath him in bed.

Jensen continued staring, studying the lines and angle of the kid’s face. Jared, he thought, it _must_ be the Jared that Sandy referred to, and that Gen almost let slip. Was he dangerous? Is that why they kept him tucked away in this cottage? He certainly didn’t _look_ dangerous to Jensen, but, then again, the man in the nightclub all those weeks before hadn’t looked like he was capable of wrapping a plastic bag over Jensen’s head and almost murdering him either, so, really, what the hell did he know.

He didn’t realise how long he’d been staring, how blatantly he was practically right at the window, until the instant that Jared made a sighing noise, reached for his cup of coffee and absently looked up.

Jensen made an entirely un-manly squeak and dropped flat on the dirt ground.

He lay there, frozen, for a moment, holding his breath, waiting for someone to lean out the window, look down, and see him sprawled in the dirt.

Nothing happened for a few beats and Jensen started to think that maybe the kid hadn’t seen him, or that he had dropped down so fast that the kid dismissed him as a trick of the light. In any case, he needed to move. He needed to get out of here.

He started to commando-crawl out from underneath the window, and once he was clear from the window he sprung to his feet, tossing a quick glance over his back as he hurried forward and, not looking where he was going –

\- slammed straight into a tall, solid figure that was rounding the corner of the cottage towards him.

Jensen stumbled back and gave another one of those un-manly squeaks.

His head whipped round and he found himself staring at Jared. He had been right, he noticed straight away, the kid was tall – taller than him, which was saying something, but with a slight hunch to his shoulders, like he was trying to appear smaller.

The kid took a step backwards with a startled noise after the collision, blinking at him.

Jensen had a split second to think. Then he plastered a big smile on his face and thrust his hand out towards Jared. ‘Hiya! You must be Jared, nice to meet you!’ he said loudly, as if he hadn’t just been caught staring through a window and crawling along the ground.

Jared looked even more startled and glanced at Jensen’s out-stretched hand. ‘Oh… I… hi,’ his voice was soft, gentle and Jensen detected a Texan twang. ‘Yes, I’m Jared. Hi.’

He took Jensen’s hand and shook it and Jensen tried hard not to notice how Jared’s hand swamped his, how long and thin his fingers were and how that conjured some very inappropriate thoughts in his head.

‘I’m Jensen,’ he said, reluctantly letting go of the kid’s hand. ‘I’m staying with Kim. Up at the big house.’

Jared smiled a little shyly and _holy crap_ , it was the most adorable smile Jensen had ever seen, hinting at what he could only assume would be mind-bogglingly cute dimples.

‘Yeah, I, uh, I know,’ Jared said softly. ‘Gen told me someone was staying there.’

There was an awkward beat in which Jensen bit his tongue hard to keep from blurting out something along the lines of, ‘why are you hidden in the cottage? Why do Gen and Kim keep you away from everyone? Why??’

Then Jared stepped back and gestured at the cottage. ‘Did you… did you want to come in for a coffee?’

‘Yeah definitely!’ Jensen rushed to answer, grateful for the opportunity to spend more time with Jared and more time figuring out exactly what made Gen and Kim hide him away in a cottage.

Jared smiled again and turned to lead the way into the cottage. Jensen trailed behind, and as he entered the cottage he took his time gazing around at the brick walls, the soft carpets. It was small, he could tell, a kitchen to one side, all wood and brick, the lounge-room-slash-book-room to the other and a short hallway with two other doors that he could only assume held the bathroom and Jared’s bedroom. He had uncontrollable urge to race down the hallway and open both doors and look over every inch to find out everything he could, but instead he followed Jared into the kitchen.

Jared gestured to a wooden stool up against the bench and Jensen took a seat. He watched as Jared fiddled with what looked like a rather expansive looking coffee machine. He couldn’t help but pout a little.

‘You know, I think I have a bone to pick with Kim,’ he said, and Jared turned, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

Jensen gesture to the machine. ‘She told me specifically that it was instant coffee or nothing round here, and here’s this perfectly good coffee machine churning out good coffee right next door to me.’

Jared laughed and ducked his head. ‘She’s actually here every morning for a cup of proper coffee’ he admitted.

Jensen made an outraged noise. ‘Son of a bitch!’ he cursed. ‘Here I am suffering, chugging down that dishwater and she’s been enjoying proper coffee this whole time.’

Jared smiled as he slid a steaming cup across to Jensen. ‘I suppose I shouldn’t mention that Gen does too?’

Jensen sighed. ‘Cruel, heartless women’ he said, shaking his head.

He took a sip and expelled a long, satisfied sigh. ‘Man, that is good. God I forgot how good coffee could actually taste.’

Jared slid into the stool on the opposite side of the bench to Jensen, wrapping his big hands around his own mug. Jensen couldn’t help melting a little at how adorable the kid looked, all snuggled in his too-big hoodie, with his floppy hair falling into his face. There was just no way this kid was dangerous. No way.

‘You’ve been here a while then?’ Jared asked.

‘Long enough to forget good coffee,’ Jensen answered with a chuckle. ‘Nah, maybe a month I guess? I… uh… I suppose Kim told you why I was here?’

Jared gave a little shrug. ‘The basic details,’ he answered. ‘And I’ve seen your bodyguards around too. They seem nice.’

Jensen, mid-sip, spluttered and coughed up coffee. ‘You talked to my bodyguards?’ he said incredulously.

His voice must’ve been a bit louder than he intended because Jared shrunk back a little. He bit his lip. ‘Uh… yeah… just… once or twice. I’m sorry? Was I not supposed to?’

The kid looked so unsure that Jensen felt a stab of guilt. ‘No, no, I just – ’ he floundered a little. ‘No, it’s… it’s fine. Just surprised is all.’

Surprised that he’d been explicitly banned from speaking to or going near Jared and yet his two bodyguards Rob and Rich were apparently free to socialise with anyone. And more to the point, Rob and Rich hadn’t even mentioned they’d met Jared either.

Jensen had an uneasy feeling that maybe the problem wasn’t Jared, but actually Jensen himself…

Jared still looked a little uncertain, chewing at his bottom lip and turning it a deep pink that made all those inappropriate thoughts come clamouring back into Jensen’s head (it was because he hadn’t been laid in over a month, he told himself, that was why he couldn’t seem to control his libido. He was used to regular sex and his hand and imagination just wasn’t cutting it obviously).

‘Really,’ Jensen assured him with a smile. ‘It’s fine. I guess it’s just… y’know, I haven’t seen you round at all. Just… surprised that Rob and Rich had.’

Jared’s cheek pinkened a little. ‘Yeah, I… I don’t really go to the main house much,’ he said softly, rubbing the back of his neck.

‘Have you lived with Kim long?’ Jensen asked. Jared nodded.

‘Yeah, about… five years maybe?’ he replied.

‘And before?’ Jensen asked before he could stop himself.

Jared’s gaze dropped to the bench and his shoulder’s tensed, tightened. ‘Somewhere else’ he said quietly.

Jensen flushed. ‘Sorry, that was – that’s none of my business,’ he hurried to say. ‘I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry I – suck at social interactions apparently.’

Jared smiled a little. ‘Well, we have that in common, so don’t worry.’

Jensen smiled back. He took another sip, looking around the kitchen, noticing another pile of books – cookbooks this time – on the table.

‘So I’m gonna go ahead and assume you like reading, huh?’

Jared’s face brightened and the tension faded from his shoulders. He began to enthusiastically tell Jensen about his favourite books and how Gen would go into town with a list and collect books or him, and how he’d go occasionally but not often because he “didn’t do well in crowds” (something that Jensen filed away in his brain to mull over later). They drank their coffee and Jensen found he was enjoying himself, listening to Jared talk, and they transitioned from talking about books to movies. The conversation flowed easily and Jensen felt that contentment and happiness he’d found in this place settle over him.

Almost an hour passed in a blur before they were interrupted by the sound of pounding feet and both jumped and turned to see Gen standing in the doorway. Her eyes zeroed in on Jensen and narrowed to tiny points of pure, unadulterated anger that had Jensen quailing in his seat.

Jared seemed to be oblivious and offered a smile to Gen. ‘Hey Gen,’ he greeted her. ‘Did you want a coffee?’

Gen tore her glare from Jensen’s face to look at Jared, her face instantly relaxing and smiling at him. ‘I’m all good, thanks Jay,’ she replied. ‘Is everything –’ she cleared her throat a little, ‘is everything ok in here?’

Jared looked a little puzzled. ‘Yeah, of course,’ he smiled. ‘I – why wouldn’t it be?’

Gen bobbed her head. ‘No, no reason. No reason,’ she shifted a little on her feet. ‘I see you, ah, met Jensen.’

She glanced at Jensen as she said his name and Jensen winced at the ferocity of the sudden glare.

Jared was still blissfully ignorant to the tension in the air as he continued smiling. ‘Yeah, he was telling me that he saw the Die Hard movies at Sandy’s bookstore,’ he said enthusiastically. ‘We should grab them next time. Jensen said we should have a movie night.’

Gen’s lips thinned. ‘Uh huh, did he now’ she said blankly.

‘I, uh, make some mean microwave popcorn’ Jensen joked weakly.

Gen folded her arms across her chest and very much did not smile.

‘What do you think Gen?’ Jared chattered on. ‘Sounds like fun, right?’

‘Yeah, sure, we’ll see, Jay,’ Gen said absently, then she inclined her head towards the door. ‘Listen, Kim was actually looking for you Jensen. How about we head back to the house, yeah?’

Jensen had no doubt that Kim was looking for him, and also that when she found him she was probably going to rip a new one into whatever remained of his body once Genevieve was done with him.

‘Oh,’ and Jensen glanced over to see disappointed flitter onto Jared’s face. ‘Oh, ok. I guess… you better get going then?’ the kid gave a rueful smile. ‘Kim can be pretty terrifying if you make her wait.’

Yeah, don’t need to tell me twice, Jensen winced internally.

He offered Jared a smile. ‘Yeah,’ he got to his feet, ‘it was nice meeting you though, Jared.’

Jared smiled back, a hint of those dimples showing. ‘You too Jensen.’

Maybe it was those damn dimples, maybe it was the fact that he was going out of his mind only interacting with a quasi-silent Gen, maybe he just really did have a death wish, but Jensen suddenly blurted out, ‘I’ll come round tomorrow, yeah? We can have coffee again.’

Gen made a stifled noise behind him, but all Jensen could really focus on was how Jared’s face lit up and split into a smile that probably made sunshine seem dull.

‘Yeah, of course!’ he said happily. ‘Can’t have you drinking that instant stuff after all.’

Jensen chuckled and waved at Jared as he headed for the door. ‘Seeya later, Jared.’

Jensen had to hand it to Gen, she managed to refrain from killing him the whole way from Jared’s cottage to the main house, right through the back door, right after closing the door, back to him, right as he opened his mouth and started to say, ‘look –’

Then all 5 ft nothing of her spun around and slammed into him and pushed him against the wall like he didn’t have at least ten inches and god knows how many pounds on her tiny frame.

‘ _You_!’ she hissed, glaring up at him, hands pressing against his chest, curling into fists. ‘You just _couldn’t_ leave well enough alone, could you! God dammit, once fucking rule, Jensen! _One fucking rule_!’

‘Yeah, one fucking _stupid_ rule,’ Jensen shot back, going instantly on the defensive. ‘Here I am thinking whoever’s in that cottage is dangerous is hell, and it’s not like that at all!’

Gen’s head swung back and forth in an aggressive shake. ‘You don’t even – you have _no idea_ , you moron, you have no idea about Jared – no idea whatsoever,’ she snarled. ‘You don’t know him, what he’s been through – you don’t – ’ she cut herself off, and pushed a little harder on Jensen’s chest. ‘But you think we don’t know about _you_?! We know _all_ about what you’re like!’

Jensen bristled. ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’

Gen sneered a little. ‘Playboy Ackles? Sleep with anything that moves? Ring any bells?’

Jensen flushed. ‘That’s not – it isn’t – ’ he blustered, but he couldn’t deny could he – because he _did_ sleep around, _had_ slept around, hell that was what almost got him killed.

‘Oh don’t deny it,’ Gen snorted. ‘You take innocent kids like Jared, use ‘em up and spit ‘em out. You think we were gonna let you do that to one of our own?’

Jensen pushed Gen back lightly, his face red as he glowered at her. ‘I wouldn’t,’ he snapped.

‘You say that now’ Gen countered.

‘Listen,’ Jensen snarled, ‘whatever shitty opinion you’ve built of me, like I’m some kind of unfeeling monster, you’re –’

‘Ok, that’s enough,’ a calm voice interrupted.

Both of them jumped and turned as Kim walked towards them, fixing them both with a stern glare. She stopped in front of them and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked from Jensen to Gen, and then settled her gaze back on Jensen.

‘So you met Jared,’ she said calmly.

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck, avoided her gaze and shrugged.

‘Well, I gotta say,’ Kim started, ‘it took a helluva lot longer than I thought it would to happen. Your self control is actually stronger than I thought.’

Both Jensen and Gen stared at her.

‘Oh c’mon, Gen,’ Kim sighed, ‘we couldn’t keep him from going out there forever.’

‘A stronger-willed person we could have’ Gen muttered.

‘Well, we’re clearly not dealing with a stronger-willed person, are we?’ Kim said.

‘Hey’ Jensen couldn’t help blurting out.

Kim arched an eyebrow at him. ‘Really? You gonna argue that?’

Jensen conceded. ‘Ok, fair enough.’

Kim expelled a long breath and ran her fingers through her short, spike hair. ‘Ok, look, you can hang out with Jared. The ship has pretty much sailed on keeping you from doing that, I suppose.’

‘They had _coffee_ ,’ Gen suddenly blurted out. ‘They were _talking_.’

It was a weird thing to say, Jensen thought, because what did they think the two of them would be doing? But it literally stopped Kim mid-sentence and she stared at Gen, who stared back equally meaningfully, and in the meantime Jensen just stared at the two of them in complete and utter confusion.

‘Huh,’ Kim said thoughtfully, and turned to stared scrutinisingly at Jensen. ‘Well. That’s interesting.’

Then she gave herself a little shake and before Jensen could ask exactly why that was interesting, she carried on talking. ‘But, you better take note, kiddo, we’re all gonna be watching you like hawks around Jared, you get me? The tiniest hint that you’re upsetting him or going to hurt him or anything, and I don’t care how many killers are after you, I’ll kick you outta this house so fast it’ll make your head spin.’

Gen was nodding furiously alongside Jensen and glaring at him and, not for the first time Jensen thought of their initially meeting and Kim’s words “she’s protective” and realised how true it was, and how it wasn’t, apparently, just Gen who was the protective one.

‘You do know Jared is a an adult right?’ he couldn’t help saying, despite the self-preservation instincts that told him that staying quiet during this conversation would be safer. ‘And he’s like six foot something. You’re acting like he’s three years old.’

Gen made another one of those growling noises.

‘Jared has been through more than you could possibly imagine, Jensen,’ Kim said quietly, firmly. ‘He’ll not go through more.’

‘More than I can imag… you _do_ know I was almost _choked_ to death with a plastic bag?’ Jensen demanded, because all these people seemed to think he’d never encountered a bad thing in his life.

‘Yeah, I do,’ Kim replied levelly. ‘And, still, like I said, more than you can possibly imagine.’

And that shut Jensen right up.

‘So, anyway, you watch yourself ‘round Jared,’ Kim continued. ‘Behave yourself, ok kiddo? No sleeping with him.’

Jensen choked a little, and went even redder. ‘I – what – I wouldn’t – I wasn’t even –’

Kim arched an eyebrow. ‘The thought didn’t even cross your mind?’

Jensen didn’t think it was possibly for him to go any redder, but his face went ahead and proved him wrong on that.

‘Just keep it in your pants, k?’ Kim said.

And redder still, Jensen thought.

‘Or,’ Gen said meaningfully, ‘I’ll cut it off.’

And Jensen’s face went from red to white as the blood drained from his cheeks because there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Gen would out that threat. He shifted instinctively, hands almost going to shield his crotch, as if she could just cut it off with her eyes. Gen seemed satisfied that her threat had gotten through, because she turned to the door and opened it.

‘I’m going to go make sure you didn’t say or do anything inappropriate already’ she muttered as she left.

Both Jensen and Kim watched her go, and Jensen startled a little as Kim suddenly spoke.

‘I think she’s jealous’ she announced.

Jensen turned quickly to look at her. ‘Jealous? Of what? I didn’t – I mean – if she likes him like that, I didn’t do anything, I swear – we just talked –’

Kim nodded her head, and she was smiling now, a little twinkle in her eyes. ‘ _Exactly_ ’ she said, like that should explain everything.

It didn’t.

‘Huh?’

Kim met his eyes. ‘Gen was the one who… bought Jared in,’ she said, obviously choosing her words carefully. ‘It took him six months before he even spoke a word. To her, to me, to anyone. When he first met Danneel last year, it took him a month before he’d talk to her. Tahmoh, even longer.’ She looked at him thoughtfully. ‘And you? You waltz in, meet him the first time and he’s talking like he’s known you for years.’

Jensen stared at her, unsure of how to process the information. ‘He’s... I didn’t… I don’t…’

Kim clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Relax. It’s a… good thing,’ she nodded, as if agreeing with herself, ‘yeah, a good thing. A weird thing, but a good thing. So don’t fuck it up, kiddo.’

And then she was gone, heading away down the hallway, leaving Jensen alone with his thoughts, most of which, of course, centred around six feet four of adorableness, with floppy, soft hair, a dimpled smile and, apparently, a past that Jensen simultaneously wanted, and didn’t want, to know.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen all but jumped into the friendship with Jared feet first. It was surprisingly easy to do so. Jared was smart as a whip, sweet and shy, and they fell easily into long-winded conversations about everything and anything.

Jensen went to the cottage most mornings and had coffee with him, trying not to let his mind linger too long on the kid’s sleep-mussed hair and the general adorable softness about him at the early hour. Just friends, he reminded himself firmly. Just friends

With the secret of Jared out, there was no longer any need to keep Jensen from the backyard and Kim let him help Jared with the gardening, watering, mulching and trimming plants, pulling up vegetables, planting new things. He was fairly sure that Gen was about ready to glare holes through Kim when she suggested Jensen help Jared out for a few days, but it was worth that burning gaze turning onto him because, _dammit_ , he _liked_ spending time with Jared. _He liked Jared_.

There were things, he filed away in his mind, not sure whether to dwell, or to ask about. Things that struck him as something that was a clue to Jared’s past. Like the fact that the kid never wore anything short-sleeved or any shorts, regardless of the weather or how strenuous an activity they were doing. He was always clad in a uniform of long, baggy-ish jeans and a hoodie, or at the very least a long-sleeved sweater. Even at times when Jensen, with his skin prone to burn and freckling, would strip to a singlet whilst working out in the sun, Jared would remain almost fully covered from head to toe.

And then there were a few moments that stood out – for instance, when Jensen dropped the shovel accidentally one day and it fell with an almighty clang that had Jared jumping and skittish for the rest of the day. It wasn’t the first time loud noises made the younger man curl into himself and withdraw. The worst was one morning when Jared had gone to hand Jensen his mug of coffee and the cup had slipped from his fingers and shattered on the ground. Pure fear had rushed over Jared’s features, with apologies babbled so rapidly that Jensen could scarce understand them. When Jared had literally tried to clear up shards using his bare hands, Jensen had all but shouted at him to stop.

Raising his voice probably hadn’t been the best course of action, in retrospect, and Jared had bolted from the kitchen shortly after, vanishing into his bedroom. Jensen had cleaned up the mess, tried to talk to Jared through the door and received no answer. He didn’t see Jared for the rest of the day. (He did, however, see Gen glaring furiously at him numerously times through that time.) When Jared greeted him the morning after, it was like nothing had ever happened and Jensen couldn’t bear to bring it up, to push for answers, to chance pushing Jared away again.

Abuse, Jensen figured.

And it made him sick to the stomach at the very thought, but he could think of no other explanation. Someone – and the rage boiled in his veins – some _fuck_ had abused Jared before his time with Kim. It would explain the skittishness, the shyness, the reaction to loud noises, his fear of breaking something. Jensen wasn’t sure if it helped or not, him reaching this conclusion. He didn’t want to clue Jared in that he might have guessed his past, so he treated the younger man no differently. But it made him feel weirdly protective over Jared, and he started to understand Gen and Kim a little more. 

Two more weeks passed at Kim’s and Jensen’s calls to his father became shorter and more sporadic. Rob and Rich would be keeping his father informed, he figured, letting him know that Jensen was all right. To be honest, much of Jensen’s city life was starting to fade away, even the threat of the unknown killers was starting to recede in his mind. His days were consumed with life at the house, the chores, the hustle and bustle.

And Jared.

Working alongside him, talking to him, forcing him to watch more movies because, in Jensen’s opinion, he “read far too much.”

‘There’s no such thing as reading too much’ Jared snorted in response.

They were in Jared’s cottage, with Sandy who’d visited from the town and bought with her a selection of DVDs from the store. She’d arrived an hour or so before, later afternoon, barrelling through the house and out into the garden and throwing the plastic bag at Jensen who’d been mulching the garden. He’d caught the bag on reflex with a spray of mulch from his hands. Sandy had wrinkled her nose and pointedly sniffed that he’d gone and gotten “manure on her gift.” Jensen was going to point out that the fault really lay with Sandy for throwing the damn thing at him in the first place, but he was starting to learn that with Sandy it was fruitless to mention such things.

In any case, Sandy had rushed onto say that they were having a movie night that night, no arguments and ushered them both inside to get set up. After a shower and a change of clothes, there were at the kitchen bench, Jared currently brewing them both coffee.

Sandy bounced on her seat a little. ‘Popcorn,’ she announced. ‘We are definitely making popcorn. I think Kim still has some from the last movie night. Jensen does have a point insofar as you really have the most limited knowledge of movies.’

Jared rolled his eyes good-naturedly as he slid the mug over to Sandy. ‘The only knowledge that matters, I suppose?’

‘Naturally,’ Sandy agreed, choosing to ignore his sarcasm as she proceeded to pile sugar into her mug. ‘But you need to watch more movies. I can’t believe how little you’ve seen. It’s _shameful_.’

It was because Jensen watched so closely, that he noticed; saw Sandy’s jaw snap shut once she’d spoken and her eyes widen is what look like horror, and saw something tense in Jared’s shoulders, a look shuttering across his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed suddenly, hard. Jensen had no clue what was going on, what Sandy had said, but he opened to mouth, trying to think of something to say, when there was a sudden loud crash and one of the mugs on the sideboard tumbled off and hit the ground, bouncing once. All three jumped.

‘Shit’ Jared said instantly, and it was so startling, the first time Jensen had even heard the younger man swear.

‘Jared,’ Sandy said quickly.

‘I’m just – I gotta – I’ll be back in a second,’ Jared stuttered out, flapping a hand.

He swooped down, grabbed the thankfully empty and unbroken mug, thrust it onto the bench and all but flew from the room. Jensen heard the tell-tale click of the bathroom door shut and turned to Sandy. She was staring after Jared, an aghast look on her face.

‘What just – is everything ok?’ Jensen stammered out.

Sandy sucked in a breath, her head shaking from side to side. ‘Yeah – no – yeah, I just – I shouldn’t have,’ she swallowed, ‘it’s ok, I just said something… stupid.’

‘Like what?’ Jensen asked.

Sandy’s head kept shaking. ‘Nothing, it’s not – it doesn’t matter.’

Jensen made a frustrated growl. ‘God dammit, why is everyone so _goddamn_ secretive around here? It’s fucking frustrating!’

Sandy just gave a helpless shrug. ‘It’s just… it’s not our story to tell, y’know?’ she quietly.

Jensen slumped a little in his seat. ‘Sand,’ he said softly, not meeting her gaze, ‘was Jared… you know… abused before?’

There was a beat, then Sandy shrugged her small shoulders again and gave Jensen a sad smile.

‘Like I said, not my story to tell.’

There conversation came to an end abruptly when there was the sound of footsteps and Jared reappeared. His face looked a little pale, and there was something off about his smile, and wild in his eyes.

‘Sorry about that,’ he said cheerfully, like nothing had happened. ‘Just – y’know,’ he flapped a hand, ‘dizzy spell. All good now.’ He grabbed the top DVD. ‘So, Liar Liar, huh? Is this what we’re starting with?’

Sandy jumped into the conversation instantly, obviously happy to move on and smooth over the awkwardness. Jensen took a deep breath, rubbed a hand over his face, and went along with it.

Sandy had apparently decided that tonight they would be educating Jared in the many movies of Jim Carrey, and as well as Liar Liar, she’d bought over Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and the Mask.

‘Customers were hell today,’ she explained. ‘I only want to laugh at stupid things tonight.’

They set up in Jared’s cottage – Jensen had been surprised to discover that Jared actually owned a television at all considering his predilection for books over television, but Sandy had explained the television was for her when she came round, which caused everything to make much more sense.

Kim had declined the offer to join then, saying she was eager for a night to watch “her shows” at the main house, and Gen had grumpily informed them that Jim Carrey’s face was made of rubber and she couldn’t stand his acting, but accepted nonetheless. Jensen half wondered if she was accepting simply to keep an eye on him and Jared, as she was wont to do whenever they were hanging out.

It set Jensen’s teeth on edge a little, her acting as if he were some sort of sexual deviant who couldn’t control himself. True sometimes when Jared smiled and his dimples made an appearance, with his floppy hair and dorky over-sized hoodies, Jensen had the urge to grab him and kiss him senseless, but he wasn’t going to act on it.

Although there had been times, when he’d seen Jared out the corner of his eye, watching Jensen with more than a little interest in his eyes, times when Jared’s gaze had snagged on his lips when he licked them, times when Jensen thought maybe Jared was thinking of him “that way” as well.

He had no idea what Jared’s sexual preferences were – so far their conversations hadn’t touched on that, and while Jensen had let slip once or twice about ex boyfriends, Jared had yet to reciprocate or mention anyone himself. It made Jensen wonder if Jared had ever even dated anyone before, if the source of the assumed abuse came from a relationship or a family member… he honestly didn’t know which would be worse.

****

Jared’s oversized, squishy old couch was sizable enough for Jensen and Jared to sit on, and if there was the tiniest bit of a squeeze enough to have them both shoulder to shoulder, the warm heat of Jared at his side, well Jensen wasn’t going to complain. It was even worth Gen’s heavy-eyed glare.

Sandy had dragged two beanbags from the main house in and she and Gen were both sprawled on the ground together as they whiled away the night with the movies and the food. They were on the third movie, at a little past midnight and Jensen figured only he and Sandy were the only ones awake. Gen had already (and hesitatingly, eyes on Jared and Jensen) begged off at about eleven, leaving for the main house to go to bed.

Jared was slumped at Jensen’s side, his head tucked into the crook of Jensen’s shoulder and head, and Jensen found it difficult to concentrate on the movie with the soft puffs of Jared’s breath ghosting over his skin. He was loath to move an inch less he disturb the younger man, not wanting Jared to move away, enjoying having him so close.

There was a soft laugh and Jensen turned his head carefully to see Sandy watching them both with an amused expression. Jensen arched an eyebrow at her questioningly. Sandy shrugged, still smiling.

‘Just, y’know,’ she flapped a hand at them, ‘you two. It’s cute.’

Jensen felt his face flush a little. ‘ _That’s not_ – ’ he started heatedly, then winced as Jared shifted a little, and immediately lowered his voice, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

Sandy rolled her eyes. ‘Sure, you don’t’ she answered, the extremely obnoxiously knowing look on her face only slightly ruined by the fact that she was currently half swallowed in a multi-coloured beanbag, with her legs sticking out above the ground.

Jensen ignored her, huffing a little. The last thing he needed was Sandy going around telling everyone he and Jared were a, well, were a _something_. And by “everyone” he mostly meant Gen or Kim.

‘Anyway,’ Sandy piped up again around a yawn. ‘I’m beat. And Jared’s out for the count. We may as well call it a night. Which means you two need to vacate the couch – that’s my bed for the night.’

Jensen watched as the struggled and flailed a little in getting out of the beanbag. She gave up trying to stand up and rolled herself sideways, off the beanbag and onto the ground. Then she rolled back and sat up, glaring a little at Jensen.

‘Thanks for the help’ she sniffed.

Jensen waved a hand at Jared’s sleeping form. ‘Hey, I’m a little incapacitated here.’

‘Whatever,’ Sandy said. ‘It’s time to wake up Sleeping Beauty anyway and take him to bed.’

Jensen’s face flushed again at her phrasing and he quickly put a halt to where his mind was taking the particular phrase "take him to bed."

He shifted a little and lightly shook Jared’s arm. ‘Hey, Jay, wakey-wakey man’ he said softly.

Jared made a protesting snuffle, his brow crinkling and snuggled a little deeper into Jensen’s neck. The movement made Jensen’s stomach flip and twist and he swallowed hard.

‘Jay’ he said again.

‘S’ok,’ Jared’s voice slurred, ‘s’ok, sleep’s ok.’

Sandy giggled. ‘I swear to god when he’s super tired it’s like he’s drunk,’ she chuckled as she started to head from the room. ‘I’m going to brush my teeth, good luck with Sasquatch there.’

Jensen sighed. ‘Thanks for your support.’

‘The guy is 6 ft something, exactly how much support could I give anyway’ Sandy called back.

She had a point, Jensen conceded. He nudged Jared again, more firmly this time and Jared’s eyes fluttered, bleary and hazy as he finally shifted away from Jensen’s prodding elbows.

‘Stop,’ he muttered, ‘m’awake, m’awake.’

‘Sure you are,’ Jensen chuckled, ‘come on, Gigantor, up you get.’

In one move he hefted Jared to his feet, the taller man swaying and sluggish and all but leaning his entire weight on Jensen. Jensen tugged him gently, arm wrapped around Jared’s slim waist, with the younger man’s arm draped around his shoulder and his head still lagging slightly on shoulder a little.

They began their slow, awkward shuffle towards Jared’s bedroom and Jensen had to smile a little to himself at how pliant a sleepy Jared was. It made him briefly wonder what Jared might be like when drunk – a touchy-feely drunk perhaps, and the instant the thought crossed his mind, he made a firm decision never to let Jared be drunk around people when he wasn’t there because he couldn’t stand the idea of the younger man draping himself over anyone else. Hey, no one ever said Jensen wasn’t possessive. And the fact that he technically had nothing to be possessive about, because Jared certainly wasn’t “his” or his boyfriend was irrelevant in his opinion.

They passed by the bathroom, and Jensen could hear Sandy inside gargling mouthwash. He briefly paused, wondering if Jared wanted to brush his teeth, but then one look at the half asleep figure and he dismissed the idea as too much effort on both their parts.

He managed to steer Jared into the darkened bedroom, not bothering with light switches and deposited the younger man onto the bed. Jared instantly stretched out and burrowed his face into the pillow with a snuffle.

‘Thanks Jen’ he mumbled.

Jensen chuckled as he manoeuvred the blankets out from underneath Jared’s long form and tugged them to cover him. ‘Don’t worry about it, you big child.’

He straightened and turned to leave when Jared’s hand suddenly shot out and his finger’s closed around Jensen’s wrist, halting him.

‘Jen?’ Jared said softly, and his voice was suddenly more lucid, and clearer.

Jensen paused, waiting.

‘About today…’ Jared started, before stopping, hesitating.

Jensen felt himself tense. The thought occurred that maybe Jared was going to reveal something about his past and suddenly Jensen didn’t think he was ready to know, not now when Jared was half asleep, not now when he was already so vulnerable.

He opened his mouth to hurry to assure Jared it was ok, when Jared spoke again, his voice a thick, husky whisper.

‘’M sorry I…’ there was the sound of swallowing, ‘… sorry I’m so weird sometimes, y’know? Sorry.’

Something broke inside Jensen’s chest and he reached with his free hand, covering Jared’s hand and squeezing it tight. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry about, Jay’ he murmured, his throat suddenly feeling tight.

There was a pause, a moment that stretched on, with Jensen still holding Jared’s hand and Jensen swayed forward the tiniest bit, because if it had been anyone else, anyone at all he’d have taken this cue to kiss them – but – _but_ – and Jensen pulled himself back, righted himself and gently pulled free from Jared. Because it wasn’t anyone else, it was _Jared,_ and that was _different_.

‘Goodnight, Jay’ he said softly, backing from the room.

There was silence for a moment and Jensen almost thought Jared wouldn’t reply, or was already asleep, then, as he reached the doorway, he heard Jared sigh, and it wasn’t a happy noise, and say, ‘night, Jensen.’

Jensen left the house that night with his stomach churning and his throat tight.

 

****

It was confusing, Jensen thought, his feelings towards Jared. That he found the younger man extremely attractive was obvious, but, different to any of his previous hook-ups, he also _knew_ Jared and knew the kid was kind and sweet and smart and, above all else, vulnerable and broken.

Sometimes, what he felt towards the younger man felt overwhelming, threatened to drown and swamp him, and he wasn’t used to that, wasn’t used to the feeling. He knew, maybe, he’d have benefited from a little space, a little breathing room, but, at the same time, the thought made him want to punch something, because he liked being around Jared, _felt_ like he needed to be around the kid as much as he could.

So, contrary to trying to get any space, he wound up spending the same amount of time as usual with Jared. Neither of them mentioned the movie night; Jared’s apology and the almost-kiss. (But _was_ it an almost kiss? Jensen wondered if that particular part was only on his behalf. It had been dark, after all, so he hadn’t exactly seen Jared lean in…). Another week passed by, and whatever it was that Jensen was feeling towards Jared only seemed to intensify with each passing day.

On the Friday after the movie night, he called up his father to check in, surprised when it was his mother who picked up instead.

‘Jensen!’ Donna crowed happily down the line. ‘Sweetheart, how are you?’

Jensen felt a smile curve onto his lips at the sound of his mother’s voice, accompanied by a tiny pang of guilt. He’d called her once or twice since his stay with Kim began, but most of his contact had been with his father, out of obligation to see how the death threat investigation was playing out, and he suddenly felt bad for neglecting her.

‘’M’good, Ma,’ he responded. ‘S’good to hear from you.’

‘Well,’ Donna drew out the word, ‘it’s not like I’m all together that hard to get a hold of…’

Jensen winced. He’d kinda walked into that one. ‘Yeah, sorry about that, I’ve been busy…’

Donna chuckled. ‘I can imagine. Your father tells me Kim’s been putting you hard at work.’

Jensen grinned as the woman in question happened to pass by him in the hallway. ‘Yeah, she’s a regular slave driver’ he said loudly, poking his tongue out at her.

Kim slapped him on the upside of the head affectionately as she continued walking on with a chuckle.

‘Well, it’ll do you some good, getting some country air and hard work,’ Jensen could hear Donna’s smile through the phone. ‘Does this mean I can coerce you into doing some gardening when you get back?’

“When you get back…” the phrase made Jensen freeze. Because _of course_ , when this was all over, he’d go back, wouldn’t he? For some reason the thought hadn’t really registered with him. He stared blankly at the wall in front of him for moment, tried to wrap his head around returning to his city life once more, parties and bars and clubs. No more shooting the shit with Tahmoh while he helped clear the stables, no more hearty meals and sitting around the table eating and laughing with Kim and Gen, no more perky Sandy to make him wonder what sort of drug she must put in her daily coffee.

No more Jared.

‘Jensen?’ Donna’s voice cut through Jensen’s thoughts, making him realize he’d been standing in silence for a beat too long.

He cleared his throat and forced a chuckle. ‘Like you don’t have a gardener already to do that for you, Ma,’ he joked feebly.

Donna hummed an agreement. ‘On that topic, your father said to tell you that he might have some leads about who’s behind the threats. Might be that you’ll be coming home sooner rather than later.’

Jensen swallowed a little and rubbed a hand down his face. ‘Oh’ was all he said.

‘You seem less happy about that then I would’ve thought’ Donna commented.

‘Huh? No, I just – y’know,’ Jensen shrugged even though she couldn’t see him. ‘Guess I’m… guess I’m sorta getting used to be here, y’know?’

‘Well, just because the threat situation goes away doesn’t necessarily mean you have to come straight back home, Jensen’ Donna said gently.

Jensen gave himself a little shake. ‘No, no, I – I wouldn’t want to impose on Kim any longer than I have too…’

Donna laughed a little. ‘You know, honey, those aren’t you’re only two options,’ she said.

‘Huh?’ Jensen blinked.

‘Staying with Kim or coming home,’ Donna elaborated.

Jensen still felt a little lost and he gave his head a shake. ‘Look, I better – it was great chatting, Ma, I better get going though.’

Donna gave a sigh. ‘Well, it was nice of you to spare five minutes, I suppose.’

Jensen’s mouth opened soundlessly a moment. ‘Ma, I – ’

Donna startled him by laughing. ‘I’m kidding Jensen, go have fun and enjoy that country life.’

Jensen rolled his eyes. ‘Bye, Ma, love you.’

‘Love you too, sweetie.’

Jensen hung up the phone and stood in the hallway a moment, gazing at the wall. It was funny how, though he’d always known he was here temporarily, it hadn’t quite filtered through as a solid thought. It was just something hovering in the recesses of his mind.

But suddenly he couldn’t quite get past it. That he might be leaving soon. That his time here might be coming to an end. His mother was right, of course, that just because the threat may leave didn’t necessarily mean that _he_ had to.

But still… His mind turned to tip-tilted hazel eyes and floppy hair and a dimpled smile. The feeling welled in his chest, tightening in his throat a moment. He liked Jared, he _liked_ him. And if he started something and then had to leave… he wouldn’t – couldn’t – do that to the kid.

Friends. He reaffirmed his decision. They would remain friends, and _friends only_.

 

***

 

‘You right there? Just sitting doing nothing?’ Jensen snarked.

He wiped a hand over his sweaty brow and leant on his shovel as he glared at Jared, who was currently sprawled in one of three iron-wrought benches that were nestled in the garden. Jensen was currently smeared in dirt and sweaty from digging up multiple holes in order to plant a whole batch of new lemon trees that Kim had bought for the garden. Jensen didn’t know how “you and Jared can plant these” somehow actually translated to “you can plant these and Jared can sit on the bench and read.”

Jared smiled a little as he peeked over the top of the graphic novel he was reading, the title page proclaiming “Saga” with a depiction of a horned creature and some sort of sexy alien (Jensen assumed) on the front.

‘I’m supervising’ Jared announced.

Jensen snorted. ‘You’re reading your comics’ he scoffed.

Jared gave a gasp of mock horror. ‘ _Comics_! They’re not _comics_ – they’re _graphic novels_!’

Jensen arched an eyebrow. ‘Uh-huh. And the difference is?’

Jared flailed a little in his hurry to sit up, legs and arms flapping in a way that brought a fondly amused smile to Jensen’s lips.

‘Graphic novels are – well, I mean – it’s still pictures and a story-line but – like,’ Jared stammered to explain, ‘they’re so much _more_ than just “comics.” I swear even _you’d_ like them Jensen, they’ve got action and violence and even sex –’

The instant the word slipped from Jared’s mouth, the younger man’s cheeks flushed bright red. It was so adorable that Jensen wanted to groan aloud, but instead he leapt on the chance to tease him.

‘Sex?’ he said the word purposefully loud. ‘You tellin’ me you’ve been sitting there reading porn, Jay?’

If possible, Jared’s cheeks flushed an even darker red. ‘N- no, of course not! That’s not what I –’ Jared ran hand through his hair, obviously flustered.

Jensen laughed. ‘Relax, Jay,’ he waved a hand. ‘We all gotta get out kicks somehow. I get it. Personally I prefer online –’

‘Right, enough!’ Jared threw his hand up, ducking his head.

Jensen laughed again. ‘Ok, I’ll stop if you dig, kiddo’ he said, waggling the shovel at the younger man.

Jared rolled his eyes as he put his graphic novel to one side and got to his feet, reaching for the shovel. ‘Not a kid’ he huffed.

Don’t I know it, Jensen thought wryly as he slid onto the now vacant seat and found himself in prime position to be gazing directly at Jared’s ass as he bent a little to start shoveling. He was clad in his normal, size-too-big jeans, but the stretch of them highlighted the length of his limbs, pulling tight a little over his backside. Jensen swallowed, throat suddenly dry, brain suddenly filled with all sort of inappropriate images and quickly looked away, grabbing the discarded graphic novel to distract himself.

He started to flick through, finding himself interested despite his own reservations, catching Jared giving him a self-satisfied smirk when he noticed what Jensen was doing, but pretending to ignore him, not willing to give him the satisfaction.

He had started to read a little further, when there was a sharp yelp, jarring him from his reading. His head shot up as he saw Jared, crouched on the ground, hissing out, ‘shit’ as he cradled something to his chest.

‘Jared?’ Jensen was on his feet in a second, panic fluttering in his chest. He dropped next to the younger man. ‘Are you ok? What happened?’

Jared shook his head, teeth gritted and jaw tight. ‘’S’nothing, s’ok, I was just using the trowel and it slipped – stupid,’ he muttered. _‘Stupid_ , _clumsy_ –’

‘Let me look’ Jensen cut across, reached out for the hand that Jared had cradled to his chest.

‘’S’ok, it’s just – ’

‘Jared – just –’ Jensen gave an impatient sigh and tugged Jared’s hand out.

He winced at the long slice across Jared’s palm, welling with blood, already trickling through the gaps in his slender fingers and down his thin wrist.

‘Jesus, Jared,’ he said softly. ‘Any deeper and you’d need stitches. C’mon, we’ll get you cleaned up.’

Still holding the cut hand with one hand, he used the other to tug Jared to his feet. The young man tried to tug his hand back.

‘Jensen, seriously, it’s fine, I can do it mys –’

‘Just,’ Jensen sighed again and met Jared’s hazel eyes. ‘Just let me, yeah? Humor me, ok?’

Jared’s mouth closed mid-protest and he nodded silently, before following Jensen into the cottage. Jensen manoeuvred the younger man into the chair at the kitchen bench, then grabbed some paper towels and pressed them down on to the cut. Jared made a tiny hissing noise.

‘Sorry,’ Jensen murmured. ‘Here, you put some pressure on it. You got a first aid kit?’

Jared nodded and inclined his head in the direction of the bathroom. ‘In the cabinet under the sink.’

‘All right, I won’t be a sec, hold on’ Jensen said.

Jared gave a little smile. ‘Jensen, it’s a tiny cut. It’s not like I’m bleeding to death.’

Jensen waved a hand dismissively as he hurried to the bathroom, and grabbed the first aid box and then headed back into the kitchen and slid it onto the counter. Jared was still holding the paper towel to his hand, the paper steadily staining crimson.

‘Helluva cut there’ Jensen commented.

Jared flushed a little. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘Was stupid, slipped using the thing. ‘M an idiot.’

Jensen frowned again. ‘Hey,’ he said firmly, cupping the younger man’s cheek. ‘Stop that. You’re not an idiot, you just slipped. Happens to the best of us.’

Jared hummed noncommittally. Jensen wanted to push, wanted to know why Jared thought so negatively of himself, wanting to make the younger man stop thinking those thoughts, but before he could, Jared tugged his head free from Jensen’s hand and lifted the paper towel a little to inspect the cut.

‘Seems to have stopped bleeding now’ he said.

Jensen let his had fall awkwardly, feeling a little unnerved from Jared pulling away so quickly, and maybe even a little hurt, even though he had no right to be. He straightened back up and cleared his throat a little.

‘Right, ok, we’ll get it cleaned and bandaged up then.’

He wet some more paper towels and gently dabbed the blood away from Jared’s hand and the cut. Then pulled out some antiseptic cream and applied it to the cut. Jared gave another hiss and jerked a little.

‘Easy,’ Jensen said softly.

‘Sorry’ Jared winced.

‘You gotta stop sayin’ sorry all the time, Jay’ Jensen said with a little chuckle as he pulled out the bandage and began to wrap it around his palm.

Jared gave a crooked smile, watching as Jensen wound the bandage round and round. ‘Force of habit, I suppose.’

‘From… before?’ the words were out of Jensen’s mouth before he could stop them.

He winced, expecting Jared to withdraw, but after a pause Jared shifted a moment, eyes still fixed on the winding bandage.

‘Yeah,’ he answered softly. ‘From then.’

Jensen finished wrapping the bandage and gently applied the clip. He paused a moment, still holding Jared’s outstretched hand.

‘You ever gonna tell me about that?’ he asked gently.

The same crooked smile appeared on Jared’s face. ‘I don’t want you to look at me as any more broken than you already do.’

Jensen drew in a sharp breath and met Jared’s gaze.

‘I don’t…’ he swallowed. ‘Jay, I don’t. I think you’re strong as hell. I don’t know… whatever it was you went through, but I mean, I know it was… bad. And, you’re still here. And that’s amazing.’

Jared’s hazel eyes glimmered a little and he gave a little wet-sounding laugh. ‘’M’not, Jensen, I’m nothing, I –’

And before he knew what he was doing, Jensen was surging forward and kissing Jared. The younger man gave a surprised noise as their lips met, but it took a split second before he was surrendering, melting into Jensen. Jensen’s tongue traced his lower lip and Jared’s mouth opened willingly, Jensen gave an involuntary moan as his tongue slipped into the younger man’s mouth. He let Jared’s hand go to reach one hand to tangle in Jared’s hair, gripping tight, maneuvering the younger man’s head so he could kiss deeper, delve further, the other hand cupping his jaw. Jared’s own hands flew to Jensen’s back and Jensen thought vaguely of telling Jared to be careful, to mind his injured hand, but the thought was fleeting, gone instantly with the feeling of Jared’s tongue slipping tentatively in his own mouth.

He was all but straddling the younger man now in the chair, and he felt like he couldn’t get enough, couldn’t get close enough and Jared gave the softest moan into his mouth and –

And reality came crashing into Jensen like a ton of bricks, suddenly making him realize _what_ he was doing, _who_ he was kissing – he broke free instantly and pulled back from Jared, stumbling to his feet even as the younger man chased his lips with a whimper of unhappiness.

‘Shit,’ Jensen burst out. ‘ _Shit, fuck_.’

Jared blinked dazedly at him, looking like every single one of Jensen’s best dreams with his lips red and puffed, hair tangled from Jensen’s hand, a flush high on his cheeks and pupils dark.

‘Jen – what –’

The younger man made as if to reach for Jensen to tug him back and Jensen instantly moved out of arm’s reach. Jared’s hand fell back to his lap as a hurt look fluttered across his face.

‘Jensen?’ he said tentatively.

Jensen swallowed hard, started to back further away and shake his head. ‘Shit, Jared, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –’ he babbled. ‘I shouldn’t have done that – I’m sorry – that was wrong – ’

Something shuttered down on Jared’s face, his gaze dropping to the floor. He drew in a shaky breath and ran a hand through his hair.

Jensen swallowed hard. ‘It’s not…’ he trailed off, flapped his hands a bit. ‘I _can’t_ …’

_I can’t do this_ , he thought, _I can’t get involved with you and just leave. I can’t do that to you. I can’t do that to myself._

There was a pause and Jensen struggled, trying to think of something to say, or to do when Jared cleared his throat a little, still not looking in his direction.

‘Hey listen I – I’m actually feeling kinda tired –’ Jared’s voice came out thick and a little choked. ‘I think I might – might have a nap or something –’

He was getting to his feet quickly, head ducked, and Jensen could feel something breaking inside him. He caught a glimpse of wet hazel eyes and took an abortive step towards Jared.

‘Jay – ’ he started helplessly. ‘Please – I’m sorry – I just – it was a mistake –’

The second it left his mouth, Jensen wanted to snatch it right back. Jared all but flinched at the word as he dodged past Jensen on his way to his bedroom.

‘Wait – that’s not what I –’ Jensen stopped, words cut off abruptly as he saw Jared vanish into the bedroom, the door shutting with a final click.

Jensen swallowed hard, feeling dizzy, his own eyes prickling. He slumped against the wall, dropped his head into his hands and dug his palms into his face hard.

‘Fuck’ he whispered out loud.

And that about seemed to sum it all up.


	5. Chapter 5

‘Heya, can I come in…?’

Jensen rolled his head to one side to peer at the doorway and saw Danneel hovering there, eyeing him closely. He sighed a little and nodded, then rolled his head back to gaze up at the ceiling, which is basically what he had been doing the past three nights in a row. Ever since that day he’d managed to fuck everything up.

The day after, Jared had begged off gardening with Jensen by telling Kim he wasn’t feeling well, and when Jensen had gone round to the cottage to visit, the door had been locked and there was no reply. It was enough of a hint, that the next day he took over stables duty with Tahmoh and left the garden in peace. The garden was Jared’s place, and he didn’t want to intrude on it, take that sanctuary away from him. Jensen figured Jared must not have told Kim or Gen about what had happened – well, he was _still alive_ for one thing, and he was fairly sure if Gen had found out that he’d not only kissed Jared, but then rejected the kid straight away, he’d be six feet under in seconds. He kind of didn’t blame her. He kind of wanted to punch himself in the face for doing what he did.

In any case, the two must’ve known something was up – after all, he and Jared had gone from inseparable for a month to suddenly avoiding each other, but aside from suspicious glares, neither of them pushed to find out what had happened. Maybe Jared had fed them a sufficient lie, Jensen thought, he wouldn’t put it past the younger man to say something to keep Gen and Kim from hassling Jensen. The thought that Jared might’ve done something sweet like that to protect him of all people, made Jensen want to punch himself all over again.

He’d resumed calling his father daily, suddenly desperate to know if he’d be leaving soon, before he could mess anything else up. When his father told him that the lead they’d recently acquired had died off and they were back to square one, Jensen kind of wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it. Which bought him to the now, lying flat on his back in his room, feeling horrible, the same way he had for the past three days.

‘So the kiddies are having a movie night,’ Danneel said as she wandered into the room. She was only twenty six, but apparently Jared and Sandy, both only being nineteen and twnety respectively, were, in her eyes, “kiddies” and needless to say both of them were not big fans of the nickname. That mostly seemed to spur Danneel on. ‘I was planning on joining them – you want to come along too?’

Jensen felt his throat tighten at the thought of seeing Jared again and he swallowed. ‘Uh… nah, I… I probably won’t. Pretty tired, y’know.’

‘Hmm’ Danneel hummed, narrowing her eyes at him a little as she perched on the side of his bed. ‘Ok,’ she poked his leg, ‘spill. What the hell is going on?’

Jensen feigned ignorance. ‘I don’t know what you mean. Nothing’s going on.’

‘Nothing my ass,’ Danneel huffed. ‘Normally you’d already know about a movie night with the kiddies because you’d be planning with them. So don’t tell me nothing’s going on.’

Jensen shrugged silently.

Danneel sighed a little. ‘So…’ she began after a beat. ‘Jared looks pretty down at the moment.’

Jensen’s heart gave an involuntary leap at the mention of Jared’s name, before plummeting at the rest of her sentence. He managed to keep his face neutral however.

‘Yeah,’ Danneel continued as if Jensen had said something. ‘I can tell something has upset him. He’s all quiet… well,’ she made a face,’ _quieter_ than usual.’

‘Danni’ Jensen sighed. He didn’t want to hear about Jared being upset. Didn’t want to hear that he’d fucked up so badly that the younger man was now suffering as a result.

‘Look, I’m like eighty percent sure that something happened between you two and that’s resulted in this… crap fest –’

‘Nothing –’ Jensen started to interject.

Danneel waved a hand. ‘Shut up, I’m talking. Anyway, something _obviously_ happened, and my advice is come to this movie night, sort this shit out and get back to how you guys were, ok? Before Gen decides enough is enough and kills you.’

Jensen gave a sad chuckle. He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I don’t know…’

‘I do,’ Danneel said firmly, getting to her feet. ‘And wanna know what I always find super helpful in these situations?’

Jensen peered up at her. ‘What’s that?’

‘ _Talking_ ,’ Danneel answered. ‘I know you big manly men seem to be terrible at it, but trust me, ok? It usually works stuff out.’

‘Thanks Danni’ Jensen said softly.

Danneel waved a hand as she padded to the door. ‘Don’t thank me,’ she answered, ‘just do what I said!’

Then she was gone and Jensen gazed at the ceiling and made a decision. Apparently he was attending a movie night that night.

**

In stark contrast to the movie night that seemed so long ago now, that had ended with an almost-kiss, there was absolutely no snuggling with Jared on the couch. He slunk in a little later than the others, hoping to avoid too much detection and Jared was already on the couch with both Sandy and Gen curled up with him (under any other circumstance he probably would’ve found it amusing that the space that only fit him could be occupied by the two tiny girls, but he didn’t quite have it in him to feel amused that night).

Danneel was stretched on a beanbag on the floor and she gestured to the pillows at her side when she spotted him. Jensen couldn’t help his eyes going straight to Jared when he entered the room and found the younger looking back at him. The instant their eyes met, Jared’s face flushed and he quickly looked away, jaw tightening a little. It wasn’t the most heartening start.

After, Jensen couldn’t for the life of him tell you what they watched. He hunkered down in the pillows next to Danneel and spent the entire duration of the movie hyper-focused on the fact that Jared was _just there_ , and dithering between shooting him quick glances and also trying resolutely not to stare at the younger man. By the time the movie wound down and Danneel was getting to her feet and announcing herself beat, Jensen was so tense he was sure if anyone so much as tapped him he’d shatter into a million pieces.

‘I’m gonna call it a night’ Danneel said she started to head to the doorway.

She looked at Sandy, and some sort of silent communication seemed to pass between them, and the petite brunette was sliding from the couch to her feet.

‘Me too, comin’ Gen?’ she said.

Jared blinked up at her. ‘You’re not staying here? On the couch I mean?’

Sandy flapped a hand. ‘On that lumpy thing? No thank you.’

It was a lie, Jensen knew, because that couch was damn comfortable and he was at a loss for a moment as to what was going on, when Sandy spun to Gen.

‘Ready?’ she said.

Gen had an equally suspicious look on her face and she squinted at Sandy a little. ‘I guess… we’ll _all_ be going then’ she tossed a pointed look at Jensen.

Jensen automatically got to his feet at the implicit order in Gen’s voice but had only taken one step forward when Sandy tugged Gen to her feet, whirled to leave and promptly knocked the popcorn bowl over, which in turn knocked the bottle of soda over, which as luck would have it, had its cap removed and the combination of soda and popcorn spilled across the floor.

‘Oh – shit!’ Jensen lurched forward and grabbed the bottle, righting it once more.

‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Jay!’ Sandy babbled, grabbing Jared’s arm as the young man leapt to his feet.

‘It’s fine, Sand, relax,’ Jared assured her quickly. ‘I’ll just have to clean it up –’

Jensen saw Gen open her mouth, Danneel look at him, and suddenly their entire plan clicked into place.

‘I’ll help you!’ he jumped in enthusiastically.

Jared looked to him and his face flushed a little. ‘I – it’s ok – I can clean it on my own’ he stammered out.

Jensen waved a hand. ‘It’s no worries, I’ll help you out – get it done quicker,’ he carried on with as much cheerfulness and force he could to quash any potential arguments. ‘You girls head back, I’ll be there soon.’

Sandy beamed. ‘Right, well, goodnight then, guys’ she said, starting to steer Gen towards the door.

‘Wait, I can –’ Gen started.

‘The guys have it under control, Gen,’ Danneel talked over the top of her. ‘See you tomorrow morning, you guys!’

He heard Gen protest a few more times, saw Danneel add her own strength into getting the girl to leave, then they were all gone from the house, the door shutting with a click behind them. The tension was immediate and it was unbearable.

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck and tried for a joke. ’

Jared avoided looking anywhere but Jensen’s face as he turned away. ‘I’ll just go get the broom and some paper towels.’

Then he was gone, ducking into the kitchen and Jensen let out a long breath. He reopened his mouth when Jared returned with a dustpan and brush and some paper towel, but found nothing came out, and all he could do was take the paper towels and start to mop up the mess. They worked in silence and regardless of the fact that it had purely been babble, Jensen’s prediction proved accurate and they had the mess cleaned in no time.

Jared straightened up, ran a hair through his head and looked somewhere to the left of Jensen. ‘So, anyway, thanks for that… I’ll probably head to –’

‘Jared,’ Jensen interrupted, ‘we need to talk about this.’

Jared sucked in a breath sharply. ‘No, we really don’t.’

Jensen snorted. ‘Yeah, we really do, Jay,’ he moved and slumped on the couch. ‘Can you… can you just sit a moment? _Please_?’

A resigned look passed over Jared’s face and he moved to sit on the couch, perching as far from Jensen as he possibly could.

‘Look, what happened the other night,’ Jensen started.

Jared let out a soft sigh. ‘Jensen please… can we just… not do this?’ the younger man ran a hand through his hair. ‘I _get_ it, ok? I get why you… why… I just. _I get it ok_?’

Jensen stared at him a moment. ‘I just… I want us to be friends again, Jay’ he said quietly.

Jared pulled a pained face. ‘Right. Yeah. Ok.’

Jensen shifted a little closer. ‘Jared, please, I… I shouldn’t have kissed you, I know,’ he pressed. ‘I know it was wrong to do, and I’m sorry. But if we could just go back to how we were, y’know? Friends again?’

Jared shook his head a little. ‘There’s that word again, ‘wrong’’ he muttered.

Jensen blinked. ‘Huh?’

‘Nothing,’ Jared sighed and finally looked in his direction. ‘Look, Jensen, like I said; it’s ok. I get it. God knows I don’t blame you. I already got the gist that other night when you almost – but then I just thought – and then you – anyway, it doesn’t matter. We can go back to being friends ok?’

Something tickled in the back of Jensen’s mind, something off about what Jared was saying. ‘Jared… what exactly do you think that you “get”?’ he asked slowly.

A pained look came into Jared’s eyes. ‘You know…’

Jensen straightened a little. ‘I’m not sure I do actually. I’m… just what do you “get” Jay?’

Jared sighed and looked to the floor and Jensen could see the shininess of his eyes, the shimmer of unshed tears. ‘I get that you… that you don’t want to be with me,’ he swallowed hard, ‘with someone like me. Someone as… as _fucked up_ as I am. Someone who’s so goddamn screwed up and weird, and I get it – _I get it_. I got it that night when you pulled away after you put me to bed, but then you kissed me and I thought – I thought – but it doesn’t – I get it. It was a mistake, it was wrong, _I’m_ wrong, I’m all wrong and –’

‘Whoa, whoa – what the fuck?’ Jensen burst in. ‘ _What the actual fuck_ , Jay?! You think – that’s not – _fucking hell_ , Jared, that’s not what I think _at all_. That’s – so far from – completely –’

He stuttered over his words a bit, too completely blind-sided by Jared’s words, head shaking vehemently. ‘I would never – I don’t think you’re fucked up. I think you’re fucking _amazing_ , Jared! You’re sweet and kind and funny and fucking gorgeous – ’

Jared stared at him, bewildered, blinking back his tears a little. ‘Then what –’

‘I’m leaving, Jared,’ Jensen said. ‘And I don’t know when. It could be weeks, it could be days, fuck, it could even be tomorrow. But I’m leaving, and I couldn’t – I can’t do that to you. Start something and then just take off.’ He paused a moment, then admitted quietly, ‘I don’t think I could do it to myself either.’

There was a beat and Jared cleared his throat a little. ‘That’s not fair,’ he said.

Jensen was at a loss. ‘What’s not fair?’

‘You – deciding that for me,’ Jared said, his quiet voice firm and determined. ‘You deciding that I wouldn’t be able to handle a relationship and you leaving.’

‘It’s not that you couldn’t _handle_ – ’

Jared shook his head. ‘Doesn’t matter – whatever your reasoning is, it’s not for you to decide,’ he said stubbornly. ‘My whole _goddamn_ life Jensen, people have made decisions for me. Gen, Kim, however well-meaning they might be, and… y’know…’ he sucked in a steadying breath, ‘… _before_. I’m just… I just… I don’t want that anymore. Especially not with something like this. Especially not with you.’

Jensen rubbed a hand across his face. ‘Jay… I… I get it, I do. And that’s all very well and good, but… it doesn’t change that I might have to leave at anytime – and –’

Jared shrugged. He gave a wry smile, more bitter than anything else. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my life, it’s that _anyone_ might leave at anytime. _Everything_ is unsure. _Always._ ’ He paused a moment. ‘And that… if there’s something good, something makes you feel… if that comes along you just… you gotta take it. You gotta take advantage. Because you never know if it’s the last time…’ he trailed off. ‘You just never know, ok?’

There was a silence as Jensen’s head reeled with Jared’s speech, turned the younger man’s words over and over. Jared sighed a little and rose to his feet. He looked down at Jensen.

‘You make me feel good,’ he said softly. ‘You make me feel happy. And I’d take whatever time we have over no time at all. But it’s your… it’s up to you now.’

He ran a hand through his shaggy hair and shook his shoulders a little. ‘I’m gonna head to bed,’ he said. ‘’Night Jen.’

He started to head for the doorway. There was a split second as everything Jared said swirled in Jensen's mind, when his brain tried desperately to sort between pros and cons and the whys and why-nots and everything in between - and then he looked at Jared's retreating shoulders and all those thoughts solidified into one single, crystal thought - _Jared_.

And that was enough really.

In seconds he was on his feet, crossing the room and grabbing Jared's arm to halt his movement. Jared half turned back to him, looking a little caught off guard.

'What - ' the younger man started.

Jensen didn't let him finish. In one movement he reached a hand up and caught the back of Jared's head and pulled him down, crashing their lips together firmly. It was ungainly and a little rough, because Jared wasn't expecting it. For a split second Jensen even thought maybe he wasn’t going to kiss back at all, that maybe he’d made the wrong call, but then Jared’s mouth was opening and he was surrendering, melting into the kiss, his hand coming up to tentatively cup the back of Jensen’s head. For a moment it was perfect, tongues tangled together, and Jensen felt warmth flood his body, and a different kind of heat pool in his stomach.

Then Jared was breaking the kiss, breathing heavily a moment, hand still gripping the back of Jensen’s head, their foreheads and faces inches apart.

‘Jen… what?’ he murmured, eyes questioning.

Jensen tried for a smirk, but it came out a tremulous smile. ‘Fuck it, right?’ he said. ‘You’re right. There’s no reason – well, it’s a stupid reason – and – we have to – just, yeah. Fuck it.’

Jared smiled back, dimples appearing. ‘Fuck it’ he agreed softly.

Then they were kissing again, and Jensen’s fingers were tightening in Jared’s soft hair, deepening the kiss, feeling like he couldn’t get enough, couldn’t get close enough. His tongue exploring Jared’s mouth, revelling in the taste and touch of Jared. His free hand went to Jared’s waist and in a movement he manoeuvred them to push Jared up against the wall, bodies aligned, pressing tight against the younger man. Jared gave a soft moan into his mouth, hips minutely twitching forward into Jensen’s body. Jensen broke the kiss in a gasp at the movement.

‘Jared, _Christ_ ’ he breathed, and then Jared was kissing into his neck, down to his collarbone.

Jensen groaned, tightening his grip on Jared’s waist, his head tilting to allow the younger man more access. He could feel the hardness of Jared press into his hip, his own dick pressing hard against the confines of his jeans. He vaguely registered through the haze of Jared’s lips and hands that this was moving too fast, that he needed to slow it down before they got carried away.

‘I should…’ Jensen was having trouble getting his words, out, feeling hazy, one hand unable to stop sliding up and down Jared’s side, the other still threading through his shaggy locks. ‘I should… go… before…’

‘Mmm’ Jared hummed an agreement absently, still mouthing at his neck.

‘Jay… Jesus, fuck, you keep doing that, I’m gonna come in my jeans’ Jensen rasped hoarsely.

s hip. Jensen swallowed hard, got a grip on himself and deftly took a step back.

‘We should take this slow,’ he said, sliding his hand from Jared’s hair to cup his face. ‘Ok? Slow. I don’t want… I want this… I want to do this properly.’

Jared blinked a few time, his pupils blown wide, mouth still parted a little, but he seemed to come back to himself, licking his lips as he nodded slowly. ‘Yeah…’ his voice was a little breathless. ‘Yeah. Good idea.’

‘And I was just… I was thinking,’ Jensen hesitated, because he didn’t want this to come out wrong, didn’t want Jared to take it badly and have this whole thing blow up in his face mere minutes after it’d begun. ‘Just… with this… us… '

Jared peered down at him expectantly as he paused.

‘I was thinking,’ Jensen took a deep breath, ‘that maybe we’d keep it on the down low. For a bit. And it’s nothing – it’s not anything to do with you or me or anything, it’s just, y’know, I like myself intact, and Gen is likely to kill me, and Kim won’t be too happy either, and just with everyone knowing there’d be so much – I dunno –watching – and –’

‘Jen’ Jared interrupted.

Jensen’s words fizzled out and he deflated a little.

But a small smile was playing on Jared’s lips. ‘I totally agree,’ he said calmly.

‘Oh _thank fuck’_ Jensen burst out.

Jared laughed. ‘Listen, I love Gen and Kim to bits,’ he said. ‘But I know they can be overbearing. And…’ a slight blush appeared on his cheeks and he ducked his head a little. ‘Y’know… this is my first… whatever this is… I just… I kinda wanna keep it – keep _you_ – to myself a little.’

Jensen smiled, used one hand to tug Jared’s head back up and gently kissed him. ‘I don’t mind keeping you to myself either.’

Jared smiled, then he grinned a little goofily, stepping close to Jensen again and pressing into him. ‘Plus… it’s like… it’s sort of... y’know… sorta hot it being a secret, right?’

The instant he said the words, suddenly it did indeed seem very hot to Jensen, and then the long line of Jared pressing against him wasn’t exactly helping the matter. Jensen opened his mouth to reply, found nothing and thunked his head forward onto Jared’s shoulder.

Jared, it seemed, was going to be the death of him.


	6. Chapter 6

It was, much to Jensen’s surprise, a lot easier to hide his and Jared’s…whatever it was (he wasn’t sure if they were calling it a relationship, wasn’t sure if he was ready to call it that, wasn’t sure if that would even be what they would call it – in short, wasn’t sure about _anything_ beyond the fact that he liked Jared very much) from Gen and Kim. They, and everyone else, had obviously gathered they’d had a minor falling out, and had since patched things up and become friends again.

Gen had in fact cornered him a few days after they had seemingly “reconciled”, a heavy glower on her face. ‘I’m glad that you and Jared are friends again’ she announced, ‘but if you ever fuck up again, I’ll castrate you.’

For a second indignation overrode Jensen’s prevailing fear of Gen. ‘Why do you assume _I_ was the one to fuck up?’

Gen rolled her eyes. ‘ _Please_ ’ she snorted, before promptly turning on her heel and walking off.

He’d whined to Jared later that day, when the two of them were out in the garden and had glowered when Jared had unhelpfully pointed out that it actually _had_ kinda been his fuck up.

‘That’s beside the point’ Jensen insisted.

‘I’m not sure you really have a point, Jen’ Jared had smirked.

It kind of made Jensen want to simultaneously hit him and kiss the smirk off his face. The urge to kiss won, as it so often did where Jared was involved. In any case, the situation made Jensen more inclined to hide their relationship from Gen, and Jared had agreed. As Jensen said, he really preferred his testicles where they were. Jared had agreed again, before realizing _what_ he’d actually agreed to and going such a bright red that Jensen had no choice really but to tease him mercilessly.

In this instance, for Jared, apparently the urge to kiss Jensen didn’t always win out and instead he delivered a resounding smack on Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen suspected that Sandy knew that there was something between them, as indicated by Sandy’s increase in organizing move nights, and then, quite suddenly, bailing on them, leaving Jared and Jensen alone. It wasn’t very subtle, but Jensen wasn’t going to complain. Not when it meant he got to cuddle up with Jared on the couch and, well, basically make out.

It was odd, this… cuddling, and movies. And taking things slow. Because Jensen realized that in his 24 years he’d never actually been in a relationship. He’d had frequent booty calls, specific people who he’d actually see more than once, and that was about as close as he’d ever come to something even vaguely resembling a relationship. It made him a little… off kilter sometimes. He’d catch himself second-guessing, unsure of what to do or how to act. It was ridiculous, because he and Jared had been friends first and for the most part this new physical side of their relationship didn’t change much between them – they still bantered and talked and spent most days glued to each other’s side.

But he supposed perhaps that was what was throwing him off – he was not used to having such… easy camaraderie with his hook-ups. Not that Jared was a hook-up, of course. Because Jensen already knew he was so, so much more.

And of course, he knew this was Jared’s first relationship, which made him even more on edge because he was terrified of pushing the younger man too far, or doing something he was uncomfortable. It was Jared’s first relationship sure, but was it his first… _everything_? And was that something you could even ask someone? And did he even _want_ to ask? There was a part of him that was terrified of the answer because of the cloud that hung over him that was Jared’s elusive and unknown past. What if someone had… _had_ … ?

Jensen didn’t even like to finish the thought, the bile rising in his throat anytime he came close, and an uncontrollable urge to find Jared and hold him tight & protect him from everything and anything.

‘You’re thinking too hard’ Jared announced, prodding him in the side.

Jensen jumped, startled and blinked a few times. He looked to Jared. ‘I… what? Huh?’

Jared laughed. ‘Guess Avatar’s just not doing it for you, huh?’

They were both on the couch at Jared’s, with Jensen upright, feet propped on a footstool, and Jared lying the length of the couch, cuddled up to Jensen’s side. It was week four of their clandestine “relationship,” which also marked almost 3 months since Jensen had rocked up at Kim’s. It felt like he’d been here longer, in Jensen’s opinion. The weather was starting to change, a crisp coolness edging into the air, the threat of rain becoming more prominent each day. It was an overcast Sunday afternoon, and, with chores done, the both of them had retired to Jared’s cottage, put on a DVD and curled up on the couch.

Jensen looked to the screen and realized he hadn’t the faintest clue what was going on in the movie.

‘Are those people blue?’ he blinked.

Jared chuckled again. ‘Well that answers my question I guess.’

He sat up and Jensen instantly lamented the loss of warmth from Jared’s form being cuddled up into his side.

‘Want me to change the movie?’ Jared asked.

Jensen shrugged. ‘Uh. If you want. I guess.’

Jared paused and looked at him. ‘Is… everything ok, Jen?’

Jensen caught the apprehensive look in Jared’s eye and instantly all of his stupid thoughts and worries were gone because the only thing that mattered was getting that look out of Jared’s eyes immediately.

‘Everything’s fine Jay,’ he said softly, giving the younger man a genuine smile. ‘I’m just bein’ silly. C’mere.’

He extended his arms out and Jared moved forward instantly. Jensen cupped the back of the younger man’s head, angling his head to slant his lips over Jared’s. Jared’s mouth opened willingly for him with a soft, contended sigh. Their tongues slid together and Jensen carefully manoeuvred them, lowering himself back into the couch and tugging Jared on top of him. The weight and heat of Jared atop him made him groan, arching up a little into the younger man. He could feel his cock thickening in his jeans, shifted a little, hitching one leg over the back of Jared’s legs. Jared broke off the kiss with a little gasp as the movement shifted their hips together.

‘Jen’ he managed, his hips instinctively grinding down.

‘Jesus, fuck’ Jensen groaned, sliding his hands down Jared’s back, pulling the younger man down harder, grinding his erection back up into Jared.

He captured Jared’s mouth again in a kiss, rougher, sloppier, both of their hips grinding on each other. His hands grasped at Jared’s broad back, slid to his waist and then his fingers went to slide beneath Jared’s shirt, when the younger man gave a sudden start and wrenched back, breaking the kiss and letting out a franticly gasped, ‘ _don’t_!’ at the same time as a the desk beside the chair suddenly toppled over, sending books crashing to the ground.

Jared lurched up and off Jensen in a flurry, scrambling to the other side of the couch. Jensen scrambled to sit up as well, eye wide, panic gripping him.

‘Shit – sorry – I – sorry – sorry’ he gabbled.

Because, _shit fuck_ , he’d fucked up, he’d pushed too far, gone too far, he _knew_ he would, knew he’d push Jared too far - he needed to leave, needed to leave Jared alone – he half rose from the couch to go, shame and guilt curling in his stomach.

‘No, no, don’t, you didn’t - it’s _me_ ,’ Jared said in a rush, grabbing his arm, halting his movements. ‘Don’t – please don’t go – Jen – ’

Jensen sat back down instantly at the panic in Jared’s voice. ‘Hey, easy, easy, Jay, not going anywhere.’

Jared seemed to calm a little, but his hand still gripped Jensen’s arm. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly. ‘I ruined everything.’

Jensen’s brows drew together. ‘You ru… Jared I was the one who pushed too far’ he objected.

Jared’s head shook. ‘No, no, it wasn’t – you didn’t – I was fine with it, it was good, I just,’ a tiny flush appeared on his cheeks, ‘I just… I’m… kinda self-conscious.’

Whatever Jensen had been expecting, that wasn’t it. ‘You’re… self-conscious?’ he repeated incredulously.

The flush spread across Jared’s face. ‘Yeah. And when you went to put your hand under my shirt… I just… panicked, I guess?’

Jensen continued staring. ‘You’re self-conscious?’ was all he said again.

‘I think I already said that’ Jared muttered.

‘Sorry – I just,’ Jensen rubbed a hand through his hair. ‘I just can’t imagine you being self conscious.’

Jared raised an eyebrow. ‘Because I’m such a model of confidence?’

‘Because you’re gorgeous’ Jensen corrected without thinking.

Jared’s face pinkened even further. ‘Oh.’

Jensen gave a little chuckle and reached to slide a thumb across Jared’s cheekbones affectionately. ‘Yeah, oh,’ he said softly. ‘I think you’re gorgeous Jared. But… if you need time, if you wanan go slow, I get that.’

Jared smiled a little. ‘Thanks Jensen.’

Jensen hesitated a moment, then decided to hell with it. ‘Actually… I wanted… I wanted to ask something.’

Jared looked at him curiously.

‘It’s just… I wanted… I just wanted to know,’ he struggled a moment. ‘No, I mean I wanted to ask. But you don’t have to answer. I just. You know.’

‘I really don’t’ Jared said, looking a little amused.

‘Well, have you,’ Jensen paused, took a breath, then tumbled the words out, ‘haveyoueverdoneanythingbefore?’

Jared blinked. ‘Come again?’

‘Have you ever… done… stuff before? With anyone?’ Jensen managed to mumble.

Jared’s face flushed.

Jensen felt his own face heat up. ‘Just… just so I know I’m not pushing… or… y’know’ he stammered, now sincerely wishing he’d never even broached the subject.

‘I haven’t… done… most things,’ Jared said, his face almost bright red by this point. ‘I – I mean, I’ve kissed people. But. That’s it. Nothing else.’

Something that Jensen didn’t know had been wound tight inside him relaxed in relief. He knew, as much as Jared didn’t like to discuss his past, if it were something that affected, or possibly could affect them, he would tell him. Which meant whatever had happened to Jared in the past… well, _that_ hadn’t been one of the things.

The relief was followed by an odd alpha sense of pride that he'd be Jared's first.

‘And by people,’ Jared made a face as he continued, ‘I mean like two. God. Sorry. Embarrassing. One of them was Sandy anyway and I don’t think that counts.’

The alpha pride deflated in a whoosh and was replaced by something that felt like jealousy.

‘You kissed Sandy?’ Jensen tried to keep his voice light.

Jared shrugged. ‘A few times, I guess,’ he said. ‘Before I realized that I… you know… don’t really like girls.’

‘Oh,’ Jensen blinked. ‘Oh I didn’t… I wouldn’t have…’

Jared peered at him. ‘Jensen… are you jealous?’

‘What?’ Jensen was instantly defensive. ‘What? No that’s – I mean – that’s just –’

Stupid, was what it was, but also very much true. Which, like he knew, was, again, stupid.

Jared started to giggle a bit. ‘Jen, if you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly into girls, so you don’t really have anything to worry about.’

Jensen scowled. ‘I know! I’m not even – y’know what? You shut up, ok?’

Jared’s giggles gave way to laughing in earnest and Jensen wondered when exactly this conversation had left his control. He then did what any adult would do in that situation and huffed, pouted, crossed his arms and slumped back in the chair, staring at the movie pointedly.

Jared prodded him in the side. ‘Aw, c’mon, Jen,’ he teased lightly.

‘Sssh, ‘m watchin’ the movie,’ Jensen grumbled back.

Jared rolled his eyes. ‘Look, if it helps, you’re a much better kisser than her.’

Jensen eyed him. ‘Yeah?’

Jared grinned. ‘Definitely.’

Jensen couldn’t help a smile curling his lips. ‘Well. That’s something I guess.’

‘Although,’ Jared’s eyes were sparkling, ‘maybe I need a little more convincing, y’know? That you really are better than her?’

Jensen narrowed his eyes as he leant towards Jared. ‘I’ll show you convincing, you brat’ he growled.

He grabbed Jared and pulled the man on top of him, Jared all but tumbling with an unmanly squeak. They were back on the couch, Jensen lying back, Jared atop him again.

Jensen grinned up at Jared. ‘Where were we…?’ he murmured softly, gently tracing his hands down Jared’s back.

Jared tensed a little. ‘You won’t…’ he started.

Jensen smiled softly, kissed the tip of Jared’s pointed nose. ‘Strictly above clothes,’ he said, ‘I promise.’

A mischievous smile curved onto Jared’s lips. ‘Maybe a little underneath for you though…’

Jensen swallowed as he felt Jared’s long fingers slid beneath his shirt and onto his bare chest. The softness, almost hesitancy of his touch, fingers gently tracing and dancing over Jensen’s flesh made goosebumps rise along his arms.

‘That’s not exactly fair’ he croaked.

Jared paused. ‘Want me to stop?’ he asked, looking genuinely nervous.

‘Fuck no’ Jensen gasped, and grabbed the back of Jared’s head to pull him roughly into a kiss.

Jared’s hands grew bolder, sliding further up his chest and the tips brushed over his nipple and Jensen broke the kiss with a moan, chest arching into the touch, his head moving back. Jared’s eyes, pupils blown, widened further.

‘Oh’ he murmured, looking as if he couldn’t believe he produced such a reaction.

His fingers returned tentatively, gently to Jensen’s nipple, tweaking it softly and Jensen’s hips jolted.

‘Fuck, Jay’ he groaned.

Then suddenly Jared was hitching Jensen’s shirt up and before Jensen could comprehend it, could process what was happening, he felt the first wet brush of Jared’s tongue over his nipple. Jensen’s eyes rolled back into his head and his hands went to the back of Jared’s head, gripping tightly into the hair.

‘You – _fuck_ – ’

He felt the younger man’s tongue lap and his teeth tug and his cock strained against his jeans, one hand moving from Jared’s to palm his own crotch, pressing down hard to gain some much-needed relief. He made mistake of looking down as Jared looked up and the sight of Jared’s mussed hair, spit-soaked lips and blown eyes caused a blurt of precome, and then he was grabbing Jared’s face and dragging him up to kiss him and -

And then there was the sound of the door opening and Gen’s voice calling out, ‘Kim & I bought popcorn, you guys better not have started movies without us!’ and both of them froze, lips inches apart.

‘ _Fuck_ ’ Jensen said.

With the sudden realization that not only Gen but Kim as well was entering the house Jared gave a muffled cry and all but rolled off the couch, hit the ground, sprung to his feet in a panic, then promptly threw himself down on the beanbag.

Another stack of books had tumbled unexpectedly down, and Jensen made a note to tell Jared to stack his books correctly because they seemed to be dropping all over the place, but it seemed convenient for the moment because one seemed to just bounce ( _fly? But surely that was a trick of the light, Jensen figured_ ) straight into Jared’s outstretched hands and he promptly opened on his lap, covering it easily.

Jensen meanwhile, flailed into an upright position, grabbed the blanket draped over the back of the couch and dragged it over his lap, covering the extremely prominent bulge in the front of his jeans.

Kim and Gen appeared in the doorway of the lounge room. Jensen’s heart was still thundering and he focused with incredible intensity on the television unseeingly, his brain entirely occupied with trying to will his painfully throbbing erection away.

‘Hey, you – are you guys all right?’ Kim arched an eyebrow.

Jensen tried not to think of how they looked – both flushed and a tad breathless, lips no doubt swollen and hair – especially in Jared’s case – tousled and mussed.

‘Fine,’ he managed to get out. ‘Just really – just a really good movie.’

He nodded at the screen, saw it for the first time and realized that the credits were playing.

‘ _Was_ ,’ he said quickly, ‘ _was_ a really good movie.’

‘Mmm’ Kim hummed, and there was a sceptical look on her face.

For all her intelligence, Gen seemed oblivious to anything out of the ordinary going on. Holding the bowl of popcorn she promptly crossed the room and sat on the unoccupied side of the couch next to Jensen. Jensen had a moment to lament that he wouldn’t be sitting next to Jared, before his still-hard cock gave a twitch at the mere thought of Jared and he realized that was probably for the best that he wasn’t anywhere near the younger man at the moment.

‘Well, you guys suck for watching the movie without us,’ Gen was saying, before she nudged Jared on the beanbag with her foot. ‘Put in the next one then.’

Jared, face half hidden behind his bangs, very pointedly not looking at anyone, made a noise and squirmed a little in the beanbag, grip tightening on the edge of the book. ‘Uh’ he squeaked. ‘I – ’

‘Are you reading?’ Gen squinted at him. ‘Wow, was the movie that bad?’

‘Uh’ Jared squeaked again.

‘How about I chose the next one?’ Kim announced. ‘I am the oldest after all.’

‘Sounds good to me!’ Jensen agreed, most likely far too cheerfully and readily.

Kim glanced his way and met his gaze for a moment and Jensen was flooded with a sudden surety that she knew, she knew exactly what was going on, what had been going on, and his throat went dry.

But then Kim was breaking eye contact and dropping to a crouch to peruse the DVDs. She chose one and put it on, promptly shooed Gen from the couch, saying her “old joints” needed the couch more and Jensen felt himself start to relax a little and calm down. The movie started without further incident, and he waited a little while into it before glancing over at Jared. Jared glanced over to him and they locked eyes a moment, Jared giving a small smile and Jensen grinning ruefully.

Towards the end, Jensen slipped from the room to the kitchen for a glass of water. He was midway through filling his cup when he heard someone approach from behind. He turned and smiled as Jared approached.

‘Hey’ Jared said softly.

Jensen did a quick scan of everything, determined no one was near or looking, and looped a hand around Jared’s waist, tugging him close and kissing him softly.

‘Hey’ he whispered back as they parted.

Jared smiled as he stepped back and Jensen reluctantly let his hand fall from around the younger man’s waist.

‘So, before… that was…’ Jared started.

‘Really hot?’ Jensen supplied.

‘Really close’ Jared finished.

‘Oh’ Jensen blushed.

Jared laughed. ‘Well, you know. Your thing too. Hot, I mean. It was that too.’

Jensen smiled and Jared smiled back and the two were caught in a soppy little bubble of love, before Gen came clattering into the kitchen and the moment was broken instantly, with Jared taking a quick step back.

‘You got any soda in here, Jay?’ Gen queried, not noticing Jared’s movement or the moment she’d interrupted, focused on heading to the fridge.

‘Huh? Oh, um, yeah’ Jared moved towards the fridge to help her and Jensen took his cue to leave, heading back into the lounge.

He sat down next to Kim, settling in and glanced over at the older woman just in time to catch her eye as she arched one eyebrow purposefully at him and very clearly winked.

Well. That answered that question then, Jensen thought.


	7. Chapter 7

So perhaps they got a little slack.

That’s the only explanation Jensen can think of when it happens.

The fact that Sandy knew, and Kim knew, and probably Danneel, and undoubtedly Rob and Rich just made them… relax a little. More than they should have.

It was late one afternoon, a week or so after the movie night, a week or so after they’d _almost_ been caught red-handed, and Jensen would’ve thought maybe they’d learnt their lesson. But rationale and common sense seemed to take a backseat for him when it came to Jared.

Which was how he found himself sprawled atop Jared, one hand splayed across his shirt-covered stomach, the other tangled in what was fast becoming a bit of kink for him, Jared’s hair, both them rocking together slowly, their tongues entangled, breaths mingling.

Jensen kissed to one side, mouthing down Jared’s jawline, ducking to his neck and sucking on the side. Jared gave a little broken moan, arching into him. Jensen slid his hand from Jared’s stomach, lower and splayed his fingers over Jared’s crotch, cupping his length.

The movement caused Jared to make a strangled noise, pushing up into his hand.

‘Jensen’ he gasped, his hands tightening on Jensen’s back, gripping his shirt.

Jensen’s fingers darted to Jared’s fly and he pulled off the younger man’s neck. ‘Can I…?’ he breathed.

Jared met his gaze, his face flushed, mouth parted in soft panting breath and nodded once. Jensen swallowed, and shifted to look down as he unzipped Jared’s jeans, slipped his fingers to the top of his briefs. He could hear Jared’s breathing getting harder and heavier in his ear, the younger man angling his head up to watch Jensen’s movements. He slid his hand into Jared’s briefs and couldn’t help letting out a groan as his finger’s found the younger man’s hot, length. The instant his hand curled around Jared’s cock, the younger man gave a broken moan, he head thudding back into the couch, his hips instantly jerking into the touch.

‘Jen – fuck – _Jen_ ’ Jared babbled.

Jensen started to move his hand slowly up and down Jared’s length, swept a thumb along the crown, collecting the precome and using it to slick to way down. A continuous stream of whimpers and gasps seem to be flowing unconsciously from Jared’s lips, his hips hitching continuously, fucking into Jensen’s fist.

Jensen looked up, looked at Jared’s face, his head thrown back, face flushed, mouth open and gasping.

‘ _Fuck_ , you look so hot, Jay, so fucking hot’ he groaned.

Jared reached up blearily, dragged Jensen’s face down, capturing his lips, biting roughly. Jensen reciprocated instantly, tightening his grip on Jared’s cock, fucking his tongue into Jared’s mouth. He could feel Jared’s body starting to tense, legs locking up.

The younger man broke the kiss. ‘Jen, Jen,’ Jared whimpered, hands grasping and tugging and the short strands of hair on Jensen’s head, ‘’m gonna – ‘m gonna come – you gotta stop or ‘m gonna – _gotta stop_ –’

Jensen had no intention of stopping, wanting to see Jared fall apart, rutted his own cock hard against Jared’s hip, focused so intently on the younger man’s face, so wrapped up in everything that he didn’t notice – that neither of them noticed -

And abruptly, shattering everything, a voice screeched, ‘ _what the FUCK_?!’

The noise and the loudness was enough to have Jensen tumbling, startled, sideways off the couch and off Jared, his brain spinning, his mouth forming a “wha?” before a mini tornado launched itself across the room towards him.

‘ _You sick son of a bitch_!’ Gen screeched. ‘You keep your fucking hands off him!’

‘Gen!’ Jared shouted, scrambling to sit up, fumbling to zip his jeans.

In a split second Gen was in front of Jensen and he had no time to think or process before she reeled her fist back and punched him square in the cheek. There was an explosion of pain and Jensen cried out, hands flying to his cheek, reeling backwards.

‘ _Gen_!’ Jared yelled, horrified.

‘I saw you – _I saw_!’ Gen screeched. ‘He was saying stop – and you – you – _you sick son of a bitch_!’

‘Gen, no – that’s not,’ Jared scrambled to his feet, ‘Gen – _stop_!’

Gen pulled her fist back and swung at Jensen again and he stumbled back, dodging her fist, hands still clutched his cheek, mind still trying to figure what the hell was going on.

‘Gen!’ Jared shouted again.

‘You bastard – you –’ Gen snarled.

‘ _GEN_!’ Jared exploded.

Then everything seemed to happen at once – the instant the word burst from Jared’s mouth all of a sudden there was an explosion of glass as every light bulb in the room burst into pieces, then the front of the television set literally exploded outwards in a burst of glass and wires and the entire set tumbled from the stand to the ground. Jensen had time to think ‘what the hell’ before there was movement and he saw Jared sway once, before his knees buckled and he crumpled towards the ground.

‘Jared!’ Jensen shouted, lunging forward.

He managed to catch the younger man before he hit the ground, lowering them both down onto their knees, sitting to one side, arm around Jared’s waist, the younger man’s body slumping sideways into Jensen’s. Jared’s head lolled and fell onto Jensen’s shoulder and Jensen felt panic spike when he saw a trickle of blood from one nostril.

‘Jesus, Jay, are you ok?’ he cupped Jared’s face. ‘Sweetheart, answer me!’

‘Jared!’ Gen dropped down next to Jensen. ‘Jared – I – ’ she shot a glare at Jensen. ‘You – get your hands off him – I can – ’

She grabbed for Jared and Jensen made a growling noise that he’d never heard himself make before and tightened the grip he had around Jared’s waist.

Gen scowled. ‘Listen _you_ – _you’re_ the reason –’

‘Gen,’ Jared’s voice was tired and thready. ‘Please. It’s not him.’

His eyes fluttered open a little, squinting at her. ‘It’s you.’

Gen stopped, her mouth gaping open a moment. Jensen felt a stab of guilt.

‘Can you just…’ Jared turned his head a little, away from her, burying it into Jensen’s shoulder. ‘Leave us? Please…?’

The hurt that shuttered across Gen’s face was painful just to witness, before she replaced it was a cool mask of anger and got to her feet in one movement.

‘Fine’ she spat, before turning on heel and stalking from the room.

Jensen flinched as he heard the door slam, but he couldn’t focus on Gen right now, not with the ragdoll that was Jared leaning heavily against him. He thumbed over Jared’s cheekbone with the hand that cupped his face.

‘Listen, I’m gonna call the doc, ok, and –’

With what looked like a herculean effort, Jared lifted his head from Jensen’s shoulder. ‘ _No_!’ he said vehemently, then winced, swallowing hard and clenching both eyes shut. ‘No,’ he repeated, quieter. ‘’S’ok. ‘M’ok. Jus’ a migraine.’

Jensen gently wiped at the blood under Jared’s nose. ‘Helluva a migraine, Jay’ he murmured, brows knitting together in worry.

Jared cracked his eyes open a little and Jensen saw the pleading in the hazel depths. ‘Jus’ need t’lie down s’all Jen. Pl’se.’

Every instinct screamed at Jensen to bundle Jared into a car and take him to the nearest doctor. The younger man was blanched white, his normally tan skin sapped of all colour, his forehead creased in pain, and the smear of blood stark on his skin.

But he sighed softly and relented. ‘Ok,’ he nodded, and hooked his arm around Jared. ‘Ok then. To bed it is. Up we get then.’

He did his best to ease them both to standing, but the change of altitude obviously still sent a sharp stab of pain through Jared’s head and the younger man was turning into Jensen again with a soft whimper.

‘Hurts, Jen’ he whispered.

Jensen’s heart clenched a moment and he reached up to gently stroke the back of Jared’s head. ‘I know, baby, it’s ok,’ he murmured softly, turning his head a little to kiss at the soft hair. ‘We’ll get you to bed and it’ll be better, ok?’

They moved slowly, Jensen not wanting to jolt Jared too much, and eventually got to Jared’s bedroom. It took some manoeuvring but Jensen managed to get the covers back and ease Jared beneath them. When he was laid flat, Jensen moved away, heading to the window to draw the curtains shut.

He returned to Jared’s side and gave his hand a soft squeeze. ‘Just gonna get you some painkillers, ok sweetheart?’ he said softly.

Jared’s eyes were still shut, and he nodded silently in response. Jensen made a quick trip to the bathroom, pulling out the first aid kid and fishing out the Tylenol. He grabbed a flannel and dampened it beneath the water, pausing to look in the mirror and grimace at the stark red mark across his cheek from Gen’s fist.

Gen. That was an issue he was not looking forward to facing in the morning.

But for now, Jensen reminded himself, the priority was Jared. He got a glass of water and returned to the room. Crouching down beside the bed, he gently stroked the side of Jared’s face. Jared’s head turned in his direction and his eyes opened a little.

‘Hey, darlin’,’ Jensen smiled. ‘Got you some painkillers.’

Jared’s smile was more of a grimace. ‘Thanks’ he murmured, gratefully accepting the water and the painkillers.

His head slumped back once he’d swallowed them and Jensen lifted the flannel.

‘Here, gonna clean you up a bit,’ he said, swiping at the blood crusting beneath Jared’s nose. ‘Then I should probably clean the lounge.’

‘The lounge?’ Jared’s forehead crinkled a little.

‘Yeah, Jay, you had a helluva power surge back there,’ Jensen explained as he made soft, gentle swipes with the flannel. ‘Well, I mean, it must’ve been a power surge… anyway, there’s glass everywhere. Probably have to use the vacuum.’

Jensen saw Jared’s throat bob as he swallowed. ‘Sorry’ the younger man murmured.

Jensen withdrew the flannel and raised an eyebrow even though Jared couldn’t see. ‘Why are you sorry?’

Jared’s head moved on the pillow a little. ‘My fault’ he muttered.

Jensen was confused. He blinked a little, then figured Jared must be referring to what happened with Gen and gently carded his fingers through Jared’s hair. ‘Not your fault, Jay’ he assured him.

‘Stay?’ Jared murmured.

‘Huh?’ Jensen blinked.

‘Forget th’mess,’ Jared said softly. ‘Stay with me?’

Jensen hesitated a moment, then got to his feet. The mess could wait. And, well, it seemed that everyone was aware of him and Jared now anyway, so there was no point in heading back under the pretence of them not being a couple. Sshirt, stripped down to his boxers, and slid into the bed alongside Jared.

He paused a moment. ‘Want to lose your jeans?’ he asked softly, fingers brushing Jared’s waistband.

The younger man tensed a little. ‘’S’ok. M’okay with them on.’

Jensen sighed a little, brushed a few stray hairs from Jared’s forehead. ‘Right, I forgot. Self-conscious.’

Jared swallowed again. He opened his eyes to peer up at Jensen. ‘Sorry’ he whispered.

Jensen instantly felt horrible. ‘No, Jay, it’s ok, it’s fine,’ he assured him, leaning down to brush his lips over Jared’s. He drew back. ‘Your head any better?’

Jared blinked a little and shut his eyes. ‘No,’ he said miserably. ‘Still hurts.’

‘Painkillers should kick in soon’ Jensen said soothingly.

‘Your cheek?’ Jared asked.

Jensen chuckled. ‘Had worse. It’s fine.’

He hesitated a moment, then shifted and placed both hands on Jared’s temples and began to slowly massage in circular movements, his other fingers splayed to massage across his whole head. Jared’s mouth parted and he gave an involuntary moan.

Jensen couldn’t help grinning a little. ‘Feel good?’

Jared only gave another moan in response and Jensen could see the tense lines of his body visibly relaxing. It didn’t take long, with the painkillers and Jensen’s massaging, for Jared to drop off to sleep, his face going slack, lips softly parted. Jensen stopped massaging and gazed for a moment at the younger man’s sleeping face. Something bubbled inside him, a terrifying feeling that he didn’t want to look too closely at, wasn’t ready to examine.

He brushed a thumb along Jared’s bottom lip, swallowed hard. ‘I…’ he murmured into the quiet. ‘You…’

He stopped, closed his eyes and breathed out, then shook his head. Shook the thoughts from his mind and instead shifted closer to Jared, pressed his lips to the younger man’s forehead.

‘Night, sweetheart’ was all he said, before he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who's been commenting & kudosing (if that's not the term, I'm now making it the term) :) You're all incredible & encouraging/motivating me to get this written asap :) 
> 
> (Which also, just FYI, that means I'll be blaming y'all when work asks why I've been writing this all day instead of doing, y'know, ACTUAL work :p )
> 
> Anyway! Onto... ANGST.

Jensen was entirely disorientated when he awoke the next morning.

In the moments before his brain caught up with the events of the night before, all he could register was that he was very definitely not in his bed, and that some long-limbed octopus was all but draped over him. He opened his eyes and titled his head a little off the pillow to gaze down at a shaggy mop of dark hair.

A small smile curved his lips as he recalled where he was, and who he was with. Jared’s head was tucked into the curved of Jensen’s shoulder and neck, the soft puff of his breath tickling across Jensen’s bare chest, with one long arm thrown across his waist, and a long leg trapping both of Jensen’s legs. Jensen’s own arm was currently dead, curving beneath Jared’s neck to sling around his shoulders. It was worth the pins and needles he’d get later, not to mention the roughness of the jeans scraping his legs.

He reached with his free, non-numb arm to brush some bangs from Jared’s forehead. Sleep made Jared look even younger, his face soft and vulnerable, mouth parted with the tiniest sliver of drool that Jensen was _absolutely_ going to tease him about later. His eyes travelled the sprawled length and then, suddenly snagged, because Jared’s shirt had hitched up in the night, exposing some of his lower back and Jensen could see, could make out _scars_ – _they had to be scars_ – white and stark marring the flesh he could see and looking like they traversed upwards, further up his back. Suddenly Jensen’s mouth went dry and his chest tightened. _Self conscious_. Jared had said he was _self conscious_ and, _oh god_ , suddenly Jensen didn’t think he meant his body shape or anything like that –

Jared stirred a little, his nose scrunching, lips smacking a little and Jensen realized he was waking up. He tore his eyes from the scarred flesh, made a split second decision and swiftly closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He wanted to give Jared the time, the opportunity to pull his shirt down. This wasn’t something he wanted Jared to be forced to explain to him.

He felt Jared shift, lifting his head a little from Jensen’s chest. There was a moment of shifting and movement before a soft hand came to gently stroke his cheek. Jensen fluttered his eyes open, feigning waking up. Jared’s sleep-softened face smiled at him.

‘Mornin’’ Jensen greeted him softly.

‘Morning,’ Jared answered, and there was a little shyness to him, his finger stroking Jensen’s cheek absently. ‘Did you… sleep ok?’

Jensen bobbed his head. Then he winked. ‘Nothin’ like gettin’ drooled on all night.’

Jared’s face flushed instantly and his hand dropped from the cheek. ‘I don’t – I didn’t – ’

Jensen laughed. ‘S’ok, Jay, I thought it was cute’ he teased.

Jared huffed and dropped his head with Jensen’s chest with a groan. ‘You suck.’

Jensen gently stroked the back of his head, untangling some of the curls. ‘How’s the head?’ he asked.

Jared lifted his head up again. ‘Much better,’ he replied. ‘Your cheek?’

Jensen shrugged a little. ‘Can’t even feel it.’

Jared frowned a little. ‘Looks like it hurts. It left a helluva mark.’

Involuntarily, Jensen thought of white scars on tan skin and swallowed hard.

‘’S’fine, Jay, honest’ he said softly.

Jared shifted a little, and raised himself up, looking down at Jensen with a happy smile curling onto his lips. Jensen titled his head a little.

‘What are you smilin’ at?’ he asked.

Jared shrugged, looked down a moment. ‘Nothing. It’s just…’ his eyes flickered to Jensen’s face. ‘This is nice. This… waking up together. It’s nice. We haven’t been able do this yet.’

Jensen smiled back. ‘It _is_ nice’ he agreed.

He stretched out a hand and snagged the collar of Jared’s shirt, tugging the younger man down. Jared went willingly and their lips met, mouths parting and tongues tangling. It didn’t take long for things to get a little heated, their kissing a little deeper. Jensen made a swift decision and, gripping Jared tight, flipped them so that Jared was on his back, Jensen atop him. Jared made a squeaking gasp at the movement, before his surprise dissolved into soft moan as Jensen mouthed kisses along his jaw and into his neck, biting gently at the skin there and sucking a red mark.

‘Jen’ Jared murmured, hands encircling and stroking up and down Jensen’s back.

Jensen’s mouth moved back to Jared’s, entangling them in another deep, hungry kiss. He could feel himself hardening in his boxers, hips starting to grind down into Jared’s, feeling Jared’s responding hardness. Their hips moved, pushing and rutting against each other. Jared broke off the kiss, his breath panting out, his face flushed, his hips pushing up and against Jensen. One hand snaked between them, pawed at Jensen’s boxers.

‘Jen,’ he panted out, ‘Jen – can I – I want to – can –’

‘Fuck yes’ Jensen groaned.

Jared’s fingers danced hesitatingly at the waistband of his boxers for a moment, before he slipped his hand in and those long fingers brushed against Jensen’s length. Jensen’s hips jerked involuntarily at the touch and he groaned. It was all the encouragement Jared needed, and his fingers curled around Jensen’s cock, starting to move, sliding up and down. Pleasure bloomed deep and heavy in Jensen’s gut and he groaned aloud.

‘Fuck – yeah, Jay – like that – so good – ’

There was nonsense spewing from his mouth, he knew, it was an issue he had, this rambling in bed, and he hoped Jared didn’t mind because he could barely control it, especially around the younger man, who seemed to spin his head around. His hips were moving, twitching minutely and he captured Jared’s lips in another kiss as the younger man’s movements tightened and grew faster, rutting his own hardness against Jensen’s hip. He broke the kiss as he felt his body tense, felt his balls draw up.

‘Jay, gonna – ’ was all he had time for before his words broke off into a low groan as he came, spurting into Jared’s hands and into his boxers.

‘Fuck, fuck, sweetheart’ he cursed.

He felt Jared’s hips movements speed up, and, shaking off the after effects of his orgasm, realised the younger man was still hard. It took seconds for him to slide suddenly down Jared’s long body to his crotch.

‘Jen – what – ’ Jared stammered.

‘Wanna suck you,’ Jensen murmured, nuzzling into the bulge of Jared’s jeans. ‘Can I?’

Jared gave a moan, head thunking back onto the pillow. ‘I – yeah – ’ the words were shaky. ‘I’m not – I’m not gonna last long though – ’

It didn’t matter to Jensen, and he unzipped Jared’s jeans and in a fluid motion tugged both jeans and boxers down just enough for Jared’s dick to come free, slapping against the fabric of his shirt. He was aware, even in the moment, conscious of not uncovering too much skin, didn’t want the moment to be hampered by Jared suddenly becoming self-conscious. He licked his lips, eyes focused on Jared’s cock, and dipped his head forward to run his tongue from bottom to the top.

Jared’s body practically jolted off the bed. ‘God – ’ he choked out.

Jensen couldn’t help grinning, and proceeded to lave licks over the head of the cock, slipping his lips just over the tip to swirl his tongue around it.

‘Jensen – ’ Jared gasped.

Jensen pulled off the tip with a pop, tipped a wink up at Jared’s bleary eyed gaze, then swallowed his length down in one fluid motion. Jared all but arched upwards, hips moving instinctively and Jensen choked a little, before relaxing his throat. He started to suck, set up a rythmn, bobbing his head up and down. He felt Jared’s hands come to his head, gripping tight, the younger man’s hip twitching, barely controlled, a stream of whimpers, pants and moans coming from his lips. It was enough to have Jensen’s spent dick twitching in his boxers.

He felt Jared tug at his head. ‘Jen,’ Jared gasped out urgently, ‘Jen – gonna come – Jen – ’

Jensen sucked harder, suctioned, hallowing his cheeks and was rewarded when Jared came with a choked cry, releasing down his throat. He swallowed down all that Jared had to give, suckling until Jared murmured weakly, oversensitive, and then he pulled off with a soft sigh. He wriggled up the bed to kiss a thoroughly dazed Jared. The younger man blinked blearily at him. Jensen grinned and nuzzled into his neck.

‘… you good?’ Jensen murmured into Jared’s skin.

Jared made an unintelligible noise in response.

Jensen huffed out a chuckle. ‘I’ll take that as a yes’ he said fondly, kissing the side of Jared’s neck.

‘Mmff,’ Jared mumbled, ‘sleep now, yeah?’

Jensen levered himself up and rolled off Jared, who made a protesting noise and flapped one arm limply as if to catch and stop him. Jensen grinned and poked him gently in the side.

‘Nu-uh,’ he said. ‘We gotta get up. Clean up the glass,’ he paused and hesitated a moment before continuing, ‘and you should talk to Gen.’

Jared sighed and the blissed out look faded from his face. He rolled his head on the pillow to look away from Jensen.

Jensen rubbed a hand across his face. ‘You really hurt her, Jay,’ he said softly.

‘She _hit_ you’ Jared’s head whipped back to look at him.

Jensen shrugged a shoulder. ‘I know… she… overreacted.’

‘ _Understatement_ ’ Jared snorted.

‘But you know she only did that because she cares for you so much,’ Jensen pushed on. ‘She was only trying to protect you.’

Jared rubbed at his eyes. ‘They always are’ he muttered.

‘Huh?’ Jensen blinked.

Jared dropped his hand. ‘Nothing. I’ll talk to her, ok? Don’t worry.’

Jensen smiled and dropped a kiss to his forehead. ‘Good. Now, I think I need to get cleaned up before anything else.’

That got a smile from Jared as he peered at Jensen, catching him squinting at his boxers with pursed lips.

Jensen caught the smile and mock-scowled. ‘Don’t you laugh, this mess is your fault.’

Jared’s grin widened. ‘Didn’t hear you complaining at the time’ he teased.

Jensen conceded. ‘Fair point’ he laughed.

He slid to the other side of the bed and stepped off, then paused as he looked down. ‘Uh, Jay, you know that draws are supposed to go _inside_ the dresser, yeah?’

‘Huh?’ Jared, in the middle of sitting up, twisted to stare at him.

Jensen gestured to the draw of the beside table, which was currently on the floor rather than _in_ bedside table, on its side, contents tipped across the floor. He arched an amused eyebrow at Jared.

‘Oh,’ Jared’s cheeks went red. ‘Yeah that would’ve… that would’ve been me.’

‘Didn’t know you were such a slob’ Jensen winked at him.

Jared smiled back, but avoided Jensen’s eyes, his smile slightly off. ‘Yeah. Sorry.’

Jensen paused a moment, wondered at the weirdness, but then dismissed the thought. He had more pressing issues at hand.

Namely, the walk of shame he was about to do back to the house.

 

***

 

It would've been too much to ask, Jensen suspected, that he’d have been able to slink back into the main house undetected. So he wasn’t altogether that surprised when he slid in through the back door and Kim was waiting there for him, casually leaning against the wall, two cups of coffee in her hands. Jensen was able to feel momentary relief that it wasn’t Genevieve who’d decided to lay in wait for him, before he braced himself for whatever was to come.

Kim simply arched an eyebrow, extending one of the coffees towards him. ‘Coffee?’ she paused, and a look came to her face. ‘Or did you already have one at Jared’s?’

Jensen cringed a little, his face flushing. He was well aware of how he looked – his clothes the same as the day before, slightly rumpled, hair damp and messy from the final make out session with Jared at the door before he’d left. But his options had either been wear the same clothes, or borrow Jared’s clothes and he didn’t think either would look particularly good.

It was probably especially good that Kim couldn’t tell he wasn’t wearing boxers, his pair from yesterday discarded in Jared’s washing basket, unsalvageable after that morning’s activities.

Yeah. _Very_ , especially good, Jensen thought.

He reached for the mug tentatively, then paused with it half way to his lips and looked at Kim. ‘It’s not… poisoned is it?’

Kim threw back her head and laughed. ‘No kiddo,’ she grinned, ‘If I were gonna kill you, poison would be my last choice. Very unsatisfying. Shooting you would probably be the way I’d go.’

Jensen grimaced. ‘Comforting.’

Kim inclined her head a little, gesturing with her cup. ‘Helluva shiner you got there.’

Jensen instinctively reached up to ruefully touch his cheekbones. He’d seen in the mirror that morning that it had purpled up quite nicely, a stark mark beneath his eye.

‘I take it from that, that Genevieve found out about you and Jared’ Kim continued.

Jensen nodded slowly. ‘And you… already knew, then?’ he ventured.

Kim laughed again. ‘Kid, there isn’t anything that goes on under my roof that I don’t know about,’ she said. ‘I knew from the first day you kissed.’

‘Huh’ Jensen said.

Kim raised an eyebrow at the questioning tone of voice.

Jensen shrugged. ‘Well, it’s just… you knew for so long, and you… didn’t do anything? I just – why not?’

Kim sighed a little, and sipped at her coffee for a moment. ‘Look… I… Gen and I – we’d do anything for that kid, we would…but I guess I realized… some things he’s gotta do for himself, y’know? There’s… a line between protecting someone and not letting them experience life.’

Jensen nodded slowly, sipping his own coffee. Kim straightened up from the wall.

‘That being said, of course, if you hurt him in anyway, retribution will be painful and swift,’ she added with a grin.

Jensen laughed a little. ‘I wouldn’t want anything less’ he said, with a surprising level of earnestness.

Kim nodded appreciatively. ‘I know that whatever… reputation you had back home, or whatever we thought of you when you first came here – namely that you were a helpless, useless rich kid,’ she added and Jensen’s mouth fell open a little, ‘that you really… you really genuinely care for Jared, and you wouldn’t have gone into this thing with him lightly. There’s… ah, more to you, I guess, that we would’ve thought. Hidden depths. I dunno.’

She rubbed at her face a moment, then smiled at him. ‘Guess this is my way of saying, I’m rootin’ for you, kid.’

Jensen smiled, not realizing quite how much Kim’s approval of he and Jared meant until he’d received it. Then his smiled faded a little. ‘And Genevieve?’

Kim grimaced. ‘Ah. Well. You know. She’s a little more stubborn than me,’ she said. ‘But, I’m sure she’ll… she’ll _probably_ anyway… well. I’m sure Jared will be able to talk her into being a little less…’

She paused.

‘A little less,’ she decided on, before she clapped Jensen on the back. ‘Anyway, enough of this mushy stuff. Still got chores to do, kid. Go get yourself a fresh set of clothes and lets get this day started.’

Jensen nodded his head, feeling a little more buoyed by the conversation. Kim was right, he figured, Jared would talk to Genevieve and things would settle down once he had.

 

**

 

Jensen probably wouldn’t ever know what exactly went down in the conversation between Jared and Genevieve. Probably wouldn’t _want_ to know as he had the feeling he would have been bought up numerous times in a not-so-kind light. But what he _did_ know is, whatever they said, whatever happened, by the end of the day Jared and Genevieve weren’t speaking to each other.

It was the first time that had ever happened, Jensen found out from Danneel, as he was preparing to head over to Jared’s cottage. They all already knew that two had stopped talking, because there’d been shouting from Jared’s cottage that afternoon, and shortly thereafter Genevieve had told Kim she wasn’t going to work with Jared anymore.

Jensen didn’t know how to feel really. He was more than acutely aware that a line had been drawn in the sand – a choice between Genevieve and himself. And _he’d_ won. He didn’t know what to do with that information.

He’d left it a few hours after the blow out before charging over there, not wanting to crowd Jared so soon after the fight. But he was itching to check on the younger man now, and gave in, heading over at around sunset.

He knocked on the door and waited a beat before it opened an inch and hazel eyes peeked out at him. The second Jared realized who it was, there was an audible sigh of what sounded like relief and he opened the door.

‘Jen, hey’ he smiled tremulously.

Jensen took a beat to survey the younger man, noting the red-rimmed eyes and reddened nose, the smile trembling at the edges, before he stepped forward and pulled him down into a hug. Jared all but melted into his arms.

‘Jen’ Jared said again, and this time it was more of a sob.

Jensen’s heart twisted. He pulled back from the hug and surveyed the tears trickling down Jared’s face. He swiped a thumb under the younger man’s eyes, catching the droplets.

‘Let’s go inside, yeah?’ he said softly. ‘Sit down?’

Jared nodded miserably and turned, leading Jensen inside. He shut the door behind them and followed the younger man as he made a beeline for the kitchen. When they entered Jensen’s eyes zeroed in on the more than half empty bottle of red wine on the counter and half-filled wine glass, widening in surprise.

‘I didn’t know you drank?’ he said.

‘I don’t,’ Jared sighed, then, as a counter-point to his words, took a swig of the glass. He pulled a face. ‘Tahmoh gave it to me. He said it sounded like I needed a drink. And. I don’t know. Guess I figured this is what people do right? Normal people? Drink when things are shit?’

He took another swig, put the glass down and sighed. ‘You want a glass?’

Jensen shrugged. ‘Sure’ he said, partly because he kinda didn’t want Jared to drink the whole bottle by himself and also partly because, yeah, he fucking needed a drink as well.

Jared poured him a glass and Jensen settled at the kitchen bench. He took a sip.

‘It didn’t go well with Gen’ he stated.

‘It did not’ Jared confirmed flatly, staring down into his wine glass.

‘I’m sorry Jay,’ Jensen said softly. ‘Did you… do you want to talk about it?’

There was a silence and Jensen thought the answer might be no, but then Jared sighed long and loud.

‘I just don’t _understand_ her,’ he said, running his fingers agitatedly through his hair. ‘I don’t understand this issue that she has with – with – well _you know_.’

‘With _me_ ’ Jensen couldn’t help the bitterness than crept into his tone.

‘But that’s just _it_!’ Jared burst out, and Jensen started to see the effects of the wine now, Jared being the most animated he’d ever really seen. ‘It’s not _just_ you – I mean, that _is_ a big part, I guess. But it’s like she’s… she’s _so_ overprotective, like she can’t let me do _anything_. Can’t bear to let me… can’t bear to just let me _live_ , let me _do things_.’

Jensen toyed with his glass. ‘Kim said…’ he hesitated a moment. ‘Kim said that she was the one who, y’know, who… bought you in. I… I don’t know, but maybe… maybe it has to do with that? That’s why she’s so protective? Because she... saw... whatever. Or something.'

Jared’s jaw tightened and his lips thinned a little. ‘Well, that’s just it,’ he said, his voice stiff. ‘If that’s – she’s the one – she _saw_ – then she should know, she should _know_ the _last_ thing I want is to be – _trapped_ again. To be – not allowed – to – ’

Jared broke off, swallowed, and Jensen felt himself balancing on a precipice, wanting to push and ask for more information, wondering if the alcohol in Jared’s system would loosen the younger man’s tongue. Then Jared took another gulp of wine and blinked watery eyes and Jensen almost hated himself for even thinking those thoughts, for even contemplating taking advantage of an already vulnerable Jared. That was not what younger man needed right then.

‘She’ll come ‘round,’ he said softly instead. ‘You guys are best friends. Have been for years. She loves you, you love her. It’ll sort itself out.’

Jared lifted his shoulders and let them drop in a semblance of a shrug. ‘Maybe,’ he said. ‘We said some nasty things to each other.’

‘People say nasty things in those moments,’ Jensen said. ‘Everyone knows that.’

‘Maybe,’ Jared said, then sighed, and ran his hands once more through his hair. ‘Can we… can we not talk about it anymore? I just want to… relax. Watch something. Forget about Gen for a moment.’

Jensen nodded. ‘’Course, Jay’ he said. ‘Anything you want.’

He followed the younger man to the lounge room, both abandoning their wine glasses, half-drunk on the counter. Jared all but collapsed on the couch and Jensen took that as his cue to choose something to watch. He picked a light-hearted comedy from the steadily increasing DVD collection and then settled on the couch, Jared immediately snuggling into his side. It was nice and it was easy to forget the events of the day. Jared was asleep in less than an hour, obviously not used to the alcohol. Jensen watched the television a bit longer before rousing the younger man and leading him to bed. He didn’t stand a chance against the pleading eyes and the softly asked, “stay” and once again stripped to his boxers and slid into bed. Jared, clad in sweats and a loose tshirt, wrapped himself around Jensen and they both slipped into sleep.

And it would've been perfect, a peaceful sleep and a break from the events of the day. If it weren't for the nightmare.

At first Jensen didn’t know what had woken him up, blinking blearily at the darkness. He was flat on his back, warm beneath the blankets, the last vestiges of sleep still clinging to his mind. He was about to dismiss his strange awakening, closing his eyes to settle back into slumber, when there was movement alongside him. A restless shifting, limbs twitching. He reopened his eyes and turned his head to peer through the darkness.

He could make out Jared’s form huddled beside him, curled on his side, almost in the foetal position, body twitching and shaking, his legs shifting, curling and unfurling restlessly.

He blinked a moment, reached a hand to maybe touch Jared, maybe settle him, when he heard a soft noise, a pained noise.

‘Jay?’ he called out softly.

‘No, nononononono,’ he heard the mutter, ‘nonono, _please_ , nononono…’

‘Jared?’ Jensen started to sit up, a little alarmed now. ‘Jared?’

He craned to look over, realizing in a second that the younger man was still asleep, his face twisted, eyes screwed shut, jaw tight to the point where Jensen was almost worried his teeth would shatter. His head tossed and shifted, back arching a little.

‘ _Please_ ,’ the word came out in a gasp, ‘please, _it’s not in me_ , _please_ …’

‘Jared!’ Jensen raised his voice a little louder, caught the younger man’s shoulder. ‘Hey, Jay, wake up, Jared – ’

At the touch to the shoulder Jared’s body tensed and curled tight around itself with a muffled sob. Jensen shifted, half leant over Jared and caught his face, needing to wake the younger man up, needing to stop the nightmare.

‘Hey, hey, sweetheart, wake up, wake up for me,’ he called out, ‘it’s a nightmare, it’s just a nightmare, Jared – ’

Jared’s eyes fluttered, half-opened and Jensen’s stomach twisted at the pure fear and panic he saw. The younger man’s eyes started to widen, almost unseeingly, panic increasing and breathing growing harsher and he started to move, started to flail.

‘Don’t, please! I'm _not_ \- ’ he cried out. ‘I won’t anymore – I _won’t_ – I _swear_ – ’

His hand connected with Jensen’s face, the sudden movements catching him off guard. He scrabbled to grab at Jared, to pin him down.

‘Whoa! Jared! Stop! It’s me! It’s me!’

‘I won’t do it… _I won’t_ , I promise,’ Jared’s body writhed under his grip, head tossing on the pillow, eyes open but unseeing and Jensen was starting to panic, starting to wonder how to snap him out of it.

‘Jared!’ he shouted, then louder, more desperately, ‘ _Jared_!”

And the noise seemed to cut through whatever was happening in Jared’s mind, his movements stilled. He blinked once, twice, and his eyes focused a little hazily on Jensen. ‘Jen?’ he murmured, his voice a little slurred.

Jensen tried to smile. ‘Here,’ he said softly. ‘It’s all good, Jay. It’s just me. I’m here.’

Jared blinked and tears started to trickle down the side of his face. ‘Dreamt was b’ck there,’ his voice was thick and slurred, and Jensen knew he was still groggy and half asleep. ‘Don’t wanna b’back there. Don’t make me. _Please_.’

A broke sob escaped the younger man’s lips and Jensen felt his eyes burn and he swallowed past the lump in his throat. Back where? he wanted to ask, wanted to know. _Back where_? But he couldn’t, not now. Instead he tugged the younger man into his arms, rolling them so Jared was held to his chest.

‘You’re not there, sweetheart, you’re safe, ok. You won’t go back there, I promise, ok,’ he said softly and started to stoke gently and soothingly up and down Jared’s back. ‘Go back to sleep. I gotcha, Jay, I gotcha.’

Jared’s form was still trembling, shaking and his hands clutched at Jensen’s chest tightly. The tremors tapered off under Jensen’s soft ministrations, and eventually he felt the grip slacken, Jared’s breathing evening out as the younger man slipped back into sleep.

Jensen stared at the ceiling in the darkness, the weight of Jared on his chest, and the weight of whatever had happened to the younger man seemed to settle between them. For the first time, he started to wonder if he was in over his head.

**

The next morning, Jensen was exhausted.

He hadn’t managed to fall back asleep easily after Jared had settled from the nightmare, had spent a good hour or more staring at the ceiling, arms wrapped around the younger man, his mind going a mile a minute.

He knew Jared had picked up on something the next morning, although the younger man didn’t seem to remember the nightmare. But Jensen couldn’t help slipping from the bed before Jared was awake, knew Jared would pick up on his being noticeably absent in stark contrast to the leisurely morning the day before. Jensen couldn’t stop his distant answers as they shared coffee, could see the confusion and a little glimmer of hurt and his insides twisted with guilt. He tried to offset it with a soft kiss when he left to go to the main house, tried to pour a little reassurance into his kiss, and hoped it worked, but he was tired. So tired, and he felt a little like his entire life had been on a missile-trajectory ever since he’d almost been suffocated to death and he was now realising how hard he was struggling to keep up.

When he trooped to his room for a change of clothes and a shower that he felt like he needed in his very bones, he almost wanted to cry or scream in frustration when he saw the familiar, dark-haired, perpetually scowling figure that was awaiting him outside the door to his room.

Genevieve.

Jensen stopped in his tracks, expelled a long sigh and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

‘Gen,’ he groaned. ‘Please. Do we have to do this now? I. I can’t.’

Gen pushed from the door and stepped towards him. ‘Oh, I’m _sorry_ ,’ her voice dripped sarcasm, ‘is now not a convenient time for His Majesty?’

Jensen bit the inside of his cheek so hard it bled, battling to keep control. ‘Look,’ he dropped his hands from his face, held them up in a peace-making gesture. ‘Whatever – whatever is going on between you and Jared, I’m sorry, OK? But – ’

‘Shut up!’ Gen snapped, and moved closer to him, stepping into his personal space. ‘You don’t know the _first_ thing about what’s going on between me and Jared, and you don’t know the first thing about Jared.’

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe the residue anxiety he had from Jared’s nightmare, maybe it was because she was right, _god dammit,_ he _didn’t_ know a thing about Jared and _no one would tell him_. Whatever it was, something inside Jensen snapped.

‘Look, I’m fucking sick of your attitude,’ he snarled. ‘What the fuck is your problem? You got some stupid fucking crush on him or something? Jealous I got in first?’

Gen shoved at Jensen’s chest. ‘Don’t talk about him like that,’ she snapped.

‘Is it because he chose me over you?’ he overrode her, voice getting louder. ‘Is that what’s pissing you off so much?’

‘Shut up!’ Gen shouted. ‘You might have Jared fooled with your pretty-boy looks, and everyone else here, but I see right through you Ackles, I _know_ you, I know people like you and the first fucking sign of trouble you’ll be running with your tail between your legs –’

‘I swear to God, if you don’t shut up –’

‘You'll what? What are you going to do, rich boy?’

‘You’re no better than whoever he was with before,’ Jensen spat out, words flying out before he could stop them. ‘You with your controlling attitude, stopping him from doing anything – he said it, he told me you’re just as bad as – ’

‘Shut up’ Gen said, her voice suddenly deadly quiet.

And Jensen did, stopping mid-flow, drawing a shuddering breath, realizing that they were both inches apart, faces flushed with anger, bodies coiled with tension.

Gen finally took a step back from him. Her lips thinned, her jaw tight, her eyes narrowed into pinpoints of anger.

‘Fuck you, Ackles’ she spat finally, and shouldered roughly past him.

Jensen half spun after her. ‘Fuck you too!’ he snapped, an automatic response.

Gen stopped midway through the hallway, whirled back around. ‘You tell Jared, you tell him when this whole thing blows up in his face, when you find out and run to the hills, he better not come crying to me. _You tell him that’_ she ground out.

Then she was gone, vanishing down the hallway, and Jensen was storming to his bedroom, flinging himself in, slamming the door shut and then collapsing onto the bed with a groan.

His stomach was roiling, and he felt like throwing up, felt like the conversation with Gen had gone the exact _opposite_ of what he wanted. He closed his eyes, buried his face in the pillow and decided, in the face of everything, sleep was really the best option.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so the next part I WAS going to post in one big long chapter, but then I decided we’ll have this nice little interlude where things are all sweet and nice because… uh… the next part? Things are decidedly less sweet and nice.
> 
> So let’s enjoy this and then the next chapter you can all hate me. Ok? Ok, good.

It was three days later when Jensen caught Sandy half way from the house to Jared’s cottage, grabbed her by the arm and started to drag her into the garden, out of sight of the cottage. Sandy gave a squeak as she stumbled after him.

‘I – you –Jensen – what – ’ she stammered.

Jensen pulled them to an abrupt halt, released her arm and turned to face her.

‘I need to talk to you’ he said seriously.

‘Is there where you profess your undying love for me?’ Sandy asked, equally serious.

Jensen floundered a second. ‘I – what?’

‘Because I have to say, while I am flattered because, _hello_ , you’re hot as hell, I _will_ have to kill you for betraying my best friend’ Sandy continued.

Jensen closed his eyes, counted to ten, then reopened them. ‘Sandy, I’m not in love with you.’

‘That’s good to hear’ Sandy beamed.

‘I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you’ Jensen said tightly.

‘That’s less good,’ Sandy beamed a little less.

‘It’s about Jared’ Jensen continued.

‘Hmmm,’ Sandy hummed a little, and suddenly wasn’t smiling at all. ‘I’m not going to like this conversation am I?’

‘I need you to tell me what you know,’ Jensen asked softly. ‘About his past.’

Sandy bit her lip. ‘Jensen’ she started.

‘Sand, please,’ Jensen reached out and grabbed her arm again. ‘Please, man, I’m going crazy here. And with everything that happened with Genevieve – I just feel like… more things are on me. And that’s fine, that’s ok, I can handle it, I’ll do that for Jared because I lo – ’ he caught himself, swallowed those thoughts and ploughed on, ‘I’ll do it, but I need to know so I can... handle stuff. You know?’

Sandy sighed and ran a hand through her dark hair. ‘Just an FYI, but like only fifty percent of that whole speech even made sense,’ she said. ‘But… that being said, I get what you’re saying.’

She sighed again, looked to one side, seemed to have an internal battle with herself, then straightened her tiny shoulders and looked at him.

‘Ok. Ok. Look, I’ll be honest, even I don’t know everything,’ she started. ‘Just the basics, really. The only people who know the full story are Gen and Kim.’

‘Of course’ Jensen muttered.

‘They _are_ practically like his mother and sister’ Sandy pointed out.

Jensen looked a little sheepish. ‘I thought maybe Gen… you know, had a thing for Jared.’

Sandy’s eyebrows rose, then she burst out laughing, long and loud.

Jensen pursed his lips a little, cheeks flushing. ‘A simple “I disagree with your statement” would have been more polite’ he said.

‘Sorry, sorry,’ Sandy giggled. ‘It’s just – like – I’m pretty sure that’d be like incest for Gen,’ she giggled again, then regained her composure. ‘No, no, it’s definitely sisterly. She’s like a sister… mixed with some sort of guard dog infected with rabies and with rifles strapped to its shoulders and a grudge against all of humanity except Jared himself.’

It was probably the most accurate description of Genevieve Jensen had ever heard.

‘Anyway. So,’ Sandy suddenly looked seriously. ‘I know… I know that he came to Kim’s about five years ago, but I only met him about… uh, three years ago? But from what I heard, he was pretty… bad, when he got here. Like, sick. I guess. And apparently that wasn’t even how sick he was when they first… I don’t know, found him? Like they stayed somewhere for a while elsewhere to get him strong enough to even come here. They even had someone run the farm while they were gone, apparently Kim and Gen were there for at least three months.’

‘Jesus’ Jensen breathed.

‘Yeah. Anyway, what I know is… his parents are dead, died when he was really little, and he lived, I guess with relatives for a bit? And it didn’t work out.’

‘How so?’ Jensen interrupted.

Sandy shrugged. ‘No idea. Never found out. Only know that it didn’t work out and at about fourteen he ended up with a foster family instead. And…’ Sandy paused, sucked in a breath. ‘They were… bad.’

‘Bad’ Jensen echoed, and swallowed.

‘Yeah…’ Sandy nodded slowly. ‘He never… I never got details. They were really religious, he said. And they didn’t… like him I guess. Or something.’

Jensen ran a hand over his face. Things started to click in his mind a little. ‘That day… you said… shameful, or something? Is that – his reaction – is that something to do with them?’

Sandy winced. ‘Yeah. That was – I shouldn’t have said that. There are certain words, triggers I guess, that just send him right back. It’s been years – five now – but I think… like I said, they were _bad_. That sort of stuff sticks with you.’

Jensen’s mind whirled and zeroed in on all those weeks before and the reactions he’d gotten using the words like “wrong” and he felt a little sick, realizing he’d, albeit unknowingly, triggered Jared.

‘Did you ever get… details about it? How they were bad?’

‘I don’t really think I wanted to know,’ Sandy said softly. ‘I can guess, make assumptions, and I already don’t like those.’

‘Right,’ Jensen said. ‘And… why? Do you know why they… did that? Treated him bad?’

Sandy gave a little shrug and looked helpless. ‘I don’t know? Because some people suck and they do sucky things? I told you Jensen, I don’t know the ins-and-outs, I know he was with a foster family and they treated him like crap and told him he was worthless and wrong enough times that he started to believe it and that,’ she struggled a moment, ‘that he said there were things.. they did, never told me what, only said, _punishments_. They punished him, for whatever deluded reason they had and - and Gen rescued him somehow and now he’s here and he’s better.’

Jensen’s mind snagged on punishments, connected it to _white scars on tanned skin, “I’m self-conscious,”_ decided to run with it and a whole multitude of terrible images started in his mind. He opened his mouth to say something, ask something more when there was a sound behind them, the crunch of dirt underfoot and both of them jumped and whirled around to see Jared approaching with a smile on his face. There was a flush of relief at the casual smile on Jared’s face, his relaxed approach, which meant he’d heard nothing of their discussion, didn’t know they were talking about him. Jared arched an eyebrow and indicated them both with a hand.

‘How come you guys are hiding out here? What are you talking about?’ Jared asked, smiling.

‘Nothing!’ Jensen all but shouted.

‘Birds!’ Sandy blurted at the same time.

There was an awkward pause.

‘Nothing… birds – Nothing Birds,’ Sandy rushed to say. ‘It’s, uh, a new book. Just out. We were. I was going to bring you a copy. Surprise you with it. And now you’ve totally ruined it. The surprise. God. _Way to go Jay_. Guess I won’t even bring you the book now. That whole plan is done. Nice going. ’

‘I – ’ Jared looked taken aback. ‘I’m – sorry?’

‘You should be,’ Sandy folded her arms across her chest. ‘So sorry. And out of sorryness, never ever even read or look for that book. That’s how upset I am right now. God. Anyway. I’m gonna go start some coffee. See you guys inside.’

Then she was gone.

Jared looked bewildered. ‘I don’t… I don’t even know what just happened?’ he rubbed at his face.

Neither did Jensen really.

‘Sandy,’ he supplied, and gave a “what-can-you-do?” shrug.

Jared gave a little bemused chuckle. ‘I guess that does sort of sum it up.’

‘Shall we go then?’ Jensen said, starting to move after Sandy towards the cottage.

‘Uh, wait, one sec,’ Jared snagged his sleeve and drew Jensen to a halt.

Jensen raised an eyebrow questioningly. Jared looked to the ground, one hand still gripping Jensen’s sleeve, the other coming up to scrub nervously at the back of his head.

‘I just – I wanted to talk to you,’ he started. ‘I… uh… I don’t know. You just,’ Jared glanced up quickly, meeting Jensen’s gaze, then looked away again, ‘you just seem off. The past few days. Since… everything with Gen. And I. I guess I just wanted to ask if everything was ok? With you?’ the younger man sucked a little breath and added, a bit quieter, ‘with us?’

Jensen’s stomach twisted with guilt and he tugged his arm free, stepped in towards Jared and slid one arm around the younger man’s waist, the other coming to tilt his head up.

‘Hey,’ he said softly, catching Jared’s eyes. ‘Everything’s fine. I promise. I just – I’ve been distracted, lately, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made you feel… anyway,’ he raised up on his tiptoes to gently kiss Jared’s lips. ‘Anyway. Everything is fine, I swear. With me, with us.’

Such stark relief flooded into Jared’s face that Jensen couldn’t help but feel even guiltier. He could feel a little of the tension bleed from the younger man.

‘Good, thank god,’ Jared breathed and then huffed a humourless chuckle. ‘I guess I just… I don’t think… with everything with Gen, I don’t think I could handle another person walking out on me right now.’

Jensen swallowed, gently kissed Jared again. ‘Not going anywhere, sweetheart’ he murmured against the younger man’s lips.

He slipped a hand into Jared’s hair, titled his head and angled for a deeper kiss, Jared’s lips parting and allowing his tongue to slip in. He shifted to tug Jared down a little further, deepen the kiss, when there was a bang of a door opening.

‘Dudes! Enough with the sucking face already! Coffee! Cakes! Now!’ Sandy yelled loudly.

Both broke apart and Jared chuckled, shaking his head.

‘Sandy’ he said, echoing Jensen’s words earlier and gave the same shrug.

‘Sandy’ Jensen agreed, laughing as he linked hands and the two of them headed for the cottage.

It was a relaxed afternoon and Jensen let himself forget about his conversation with Sandy, about everything else, just for the time, enjoying the moment. And once Sandy left, he didn’t even need to be asked to follow Jared into the bedroom to stay the night. They fell into bed, fell into each other with deep, hungry kisses. He blanketed Jared’s long form with his body, their hips undulating together, one hand gripping tightly into Jared’s hair, swallowing the moans and gasps from the younger man’s mouth with deep kisses. It was slow and languid the way that they moved together, unhurried and drawn out. He slid a hand between them tugged at Jared’s sweats to free his cock, hand curling around the younger man’s length. Jared gave a broken moan, arching into his touch and Jensen ducked his head to mouth along the length of Jared’s neck, sucking and biting at the skin. He felt Jared’s hand slip into his boxers and sucked in a sharp breath at the first touch.

‘Jay’ he murmured softly, biting gently at Jared’s earlobe.

They moved almost in unison, hands sliding up and down each other’s lengths and Jared was the first to come, his grip and movement on Jensen’s cock stuttering and stopping as his body tensed and locked up and he came between them with a choked off cry. His grip slackened and Jensen, _so close_ , _so close_ , wrapped his own hand around Jared’s to keep it moving even as the younger man blinked blearily in a post-orgasm haze. It only took a few strokes before Jensen was coming as well, muffling his shout as he buried his head into Jared’s shoulder. He released Jared's hand and rolled to one side to fall at Jared’s side.

‘Sorry, sorry’ Jared muttered. ‘I should’ve – ’

Jensen huffed a laugh and kissed along the side of Jared’s face. ‘Hey, I’ll take it as a compliment,’ he grinned, half cocky, half fond.

Jared laughed softly, eyes already shutting and Jensen gave a soft sigh and continued to gently kiss along Jared’s face, moving to pepper gentle kisses across the younger man’s forehead. His mind cast back to the conversation with Sandy earlier than day, finally, finally allowing himself to think a little longer on her words. A religious foster family. Punishments. But why? He briefly considered the homosexuality angle, but then remembered Jared telling him about kissing Sandy when he was still “working out he wasn’t into girls.” So it couldn’t be that? Could it? But what else could there possibly be about Jared – sweet, kind, caring, gorgeous Jared – that could be even remotely considered “shameful” or “wrong”?

_“Some people suck and they do sucky things.”_

Sandy’s words floated into his head and he wondered if he should take it like she did, accept the facts he’d been given, accept the horror that existed in the world and leave it be. God knows he’d had his own up-close-and-personal experience with the darker side of humanity.

He sighed to himself a little and decided now was not the time, and that right now what he needed to focus on was getting them cleaned up and going to sleep. He slipped from the bed, planted his feet on the floor and stepped onto something sharp, giving a muffled curse.

He reached instinctively for the lamp to flick it on to see what he’d stepped on and then glanced at it when nothing happened after he hit the switch. He shifted, peered closely, and realised the bulb had… exploded. And the sharpness beneath his feet was the glass.

Jensen blinked a few times.

‘Fuckin’ power surges,’ he muttered. ‘Someone needs to check the wiring in this place.’

Then he got carefully to his feet to set about cleaning everything, themselves included, up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit shorter than usual and... uh, also, I'll just go ahead and sorry in advance for the ending of it.. *ducks head*

A week passed and things were good. They were _good._

Well, Genevieve was still not talking to… _anyone_ as far as Jensen could tell. He barely even saw glimpses of her around the house and wondered if she was spending time somewhere else in a supreme effort to avoid everyone. He was torn between frustration at her absence, which meant things were still hanging tense and unresolved between her and he and Jared, and… well, _relief_ , that he didn’t have to deal with it, didn’t have to face her after their blow-up. He hadn’t exactly told Jared about his confrontation with Gen, if only because he wanted to spare the younger man her angry warning, delivered with such finality and force.

But, issues with Genevieve aside, things were otherwise pleasant. He was spending most nights at Jared’s, curled around the younger man as he slept, awakening to sleep-warmed, floppy-haired, dimpled-smiles that made his heart clench. There were no more nightmares and Jensen wondered if it had simply been the fight with Gen that day that had triggered them that night. He repeated a mantra in his head, “ _some people suck and do sucky things_ ” and told himself he was ok with that and didn’t need to know anymore beyond it. And he ignored the feelings that seem to mount, terrifying and overwhelming, every time he looked at Jared, kissed Jared, _thought_ about Jared. That all-consuming… _feeling_ that made him want to push and run away because he wasn’t ready for _that_ , wasn’t ready to admit to _that_.

If there was one thing that Jensen had learnt over the past few months, it was that he was really good at denial.

It was a Saturday late afternoon, and Jared was cooking in his kitchen, Jensen was in the longue, trawling through the now very much increased DVD collection. It was raining softly outside, the nights having definitely taken a cold turn of late.

‘You decided on a movie yet?’ Jared called from the kitchen as he stirred the pasta-sauce he was currently making.

Jensen gave a half-hearted shrug. ‘Not sure’ he called back.

‘Sandy dropped by a whole heap more the other day,’ Jared said. ‘In the plastic bag by the television. If you wanted to see if there’s anything better in there.’

Jensen heaved himself off the couch and trotted to the television, dropping down next to the plastic bag and opening it to rifle through the contents. He paused a moment, and chuckled to himself a little at the sudden realisation that it was Saturday night and the biggest decision he was facing was which movie to watch, and it was such a stark difference to his LA life, where the Saturday night decisions involved which club to attend, which boy to hook-up with, which drink to knock back for the night and wasn't it just so surreal, so weird how much his entire life had changed recently. Surreal, weird, overwhelming and -

‘What are you laughing about?’

He glanced up to see Jared behind the couch, leaning against the high back with a fond smile on his face.

_And there was_ that _feeling again. That rush of…_

Jensen tore his eyes from Jared and shrugged. ‘Nothin’,’ he said quickly. ‘It’s nothing. Hey. Look, Jurassic Park. Tell me you’ve seen this one.’

Jared shook his head. ‘Uh, how lame am I if I say no?’ he grinned. ‘I _have_ read the book though so…’

Jensen looked up at stared at him. ‘The book? There’s no book of Jurassic Park.’

Jared arched an eyebrow. ‘You’re joking right?’ he laughed. ‘By Michael Crichton? Jen, how did you _not_ know there was a book.’

Jensen huffed, folded his arms across his chest. ‘Bullshit’ he said stubbornly.

Jared was still laughing, grin wide. ‘Jen, why would I make this up? Uh – I think I own it actually!’ he thought for a moment. ‘Yeah. I – yeah. That big bookcase. It’s in there.’

He gestured and Jensen looked to the bookcase, then to Jared with a suspicious look on his face.

‘If I go over and it’s not there and this is an elaborate ploy to make me look ridiculous, I’m totally withholding blowjobs for at least three days’ he said.

As expected, at the casual mention of anything remotely sex related, Jared went bright red and make a squeaking noise. ‘ _Jen_!’

It was Jensen’s turned to laugh as he got to his feet and headed for the bookcase. He scanned over the titles and made a noise.

‘Well, what do you know,’ he said. ‘You _weren’t_ being a smart-ass.’

‘Told you’ Jared said smugly from behind him.

Jensen reached for the book and tried to tug it from where it was wedged incredibly tightly in the shelf.

‘Careful with that,’ Jared’s voice cautioned. ‘Jen? That bookcase is kinda unsteady. Be careful with it. Jen?’

But Jensen wasn’t really paying attention, focused on the book, and he gave it a tremendous tug and - and it happened in slow motion almost; he tugged the book, too forcefully and somehow, somewhere, the entire bookcase became unbalanced, teetered and Jensen's body froze. The bookcase started to fall, tip forwards, tip _towards_ him, books sliding off the shelf and he couldn’t move – _couldn’t get away in time_ – he was going to be crushed, he realised, a choked yell bursting from his mouth. He heard a vague shout from Jared and he slammed his eyes shut and -

And nothing.

Jensen opened his eyes. Because the thing should've hit him by now, crushed him to the ground, broken his bones, but it hadn't.

It hadn't, Jensen realised, as he stared, because it had _stopped, mid fall_ , suspended in air like someone had pressed the pause button and it was so _totally utterly surreal_ that all Jensen could think for wild moment is that it _had_ crushed him and now he was hallucinating or unconscious -

He took a step back, slowly, mouth open and turned to see if Jared was seeing the same thing.

Jared was standing, entire body rigid, hand outstretched like some sort of bizarre imitation of Luke Skywalker using the goddamn Force, face twisted in concentration, tendrils of blood trickling from both nostrils. Jensen made an aborted move towards Jared, starting at the sight of blood, moving out of the range of the bookcase and the instant he did, Jared's eyes flicked briefly to him, he gusted out a huge breath and his body deflated, hand dropping down –

\- and the bookcase fell with a shuddering thud, as if released from some invisible hold.

_As if released from some invisible hold._

'What - what the fuck is going on' Jensen choked out.

Jared's head swung tiredly as, staggering a little, he moved to sag onto the couch, one hand at his head. Instincts were screaming at Jensen to comfort, to check if Jared was ok, but Jensen couldn’t move.

'What, the, fuck. I don't. What.'

He stared at Jared, who lifted his head, the movement looking as if it was costing him, blood still dribbling from his nose. Those hazel eyes were wide and hazy, but pleading. _Pleading._

Jensen swallowed. Took a step back.

'That - that book case,' he stuttered. 'It just stopped - I - did you see that? That fucking thing just - it _fucking just stopped_. Mid air. That doesn't - that's not possible.'

Jared swallowed harshly. 'Jensen' he said softly.

_'It’s fucking not possible_ ,' Jensen repeated, louder. 'What the fuck is going on?'

'I stopped the bookcase' Jared said, voice too quiet.

Jensen tried not to hear him. 'It just fucking stopped,' he shook his head hard. 'This is - this isn't happening.'

'Jensen,' Jared said again. 'I stopped the bookcase. It was me.'

Jensen stopped rambling. Tried to focus his gaze somewhere that wasn't Jared. Tried to focus his mind on something that wasn't _completely and utterly fucking crazy_.

'I broke the lights that day too,' Jared won't stop talking and Jensen kinda wished he'd shut up, 'and the other night. Lost control. Anger. Um. Excitement. Those kind of things. Make it happen. When I don't want it to. The excitement thing,' he huffed a laugh but there was no humour in it. 'That's been causing some trouble lately.'

Jensen swallowed again. 'It's not possible' he whispered.

Jared rubbed his face, smearing the blood under his nose. 'I - '

He reached for Jensen's hand as he started to speak and Jensen couldn’t’ stop himself from flinching back, pulling away.

'Don't,' he got out, 'don't touch me.'

Jared's eyes went wide, his hand fell to his lap. He swallowed. 'Jensen,' he said, 'please don't do this.'

Something inside Jensen snapped. 'Don't do this? _Don't fucking do this_? Are you _kidding_ me right now? What _right_ have _you_ got to tell _me_ to do anything? I've - _months_ I've been here, _fucking months_ and you don't think to tell me, to let me know, oh by the way, I'm some fucking freak who can - '

'Don't,' Jared interrupted harshly, 'don't use _that_ word.'

Jensen stuttered a moment, before his anger rebuilt. 'Fuck you' he spat.

Jared flinched and held up his hands. 'Please, if you just listen, if we can just talk - '

Jensen started to back away. 'No, no, we are _not_ talking, I can't talk to you, I don't even know what - this is too fucking crazy. I need - I need to get out of here.'

Jared leapt to his feet, started towards him. Jensen flinched and lurched backwards instantly.

Jared's face fell. 'I won't - ' there were tears shining in Jared's eyes. 'I'm not going to hurt you -'

'Right, _right_ , because I'm gonna believe you, right,' Jensen shot back. 'After months of you keeping secrets. _Always fucking keeping secrets_!'

And then, because he couldn’t stop, couldn’t stop talking because his mind was reeling, trying to cope with the fact that Jared had... had _powers_ , that _powers even existed_. And maybe, maybe because he had been so terrified, of everything, _everything_ he'd been feeling and it felt _good_ to latch onto this as a reason to push, _to push and push away_  -

It was too much for him to handle, and he said, 'is that why they keep you locked away in this cottage? Because you're some dangerous thing?! Is that why your _foster family_ \- '

He stopped and for a second all of the air was sucked from the room. Jared looked like he'd been slapped and for one moment horrible, horrible guilt cut through Jensen's anger and confusion and fear.

He swallowed and looked away. 'I have to go,' he repeated.

Jared seemed to steel himself, took another step forwards and reached for Jensen, beseechingly, desperately.

'Please' he said.

'I don't even know what the fuck you are,' Jensen burst out.

'I'm _me_ ,' Jared insisted, pleaded. 'I'm _me_ , I'm just me, human – ’

'Stop - you're not - whatever the fuck you are, you are _not_ human,' Jensen lashed out. 'You're some kind of – some kind of _freak_ – ’

Something twisted in agony on Jared's face. ' _Stop_ ,' the word came out as a half sob, half gasp, 'Stop - _you stop saying_ that word _to me!'_

'I have to go,' Jensen said. 'I have to go. I can't be here anymore.'

He started towards the door determinedly.

'Please don't leave.'

Jared's voice was quiet and broken. For a second, Jensen faltered, hesitated, but then, then he sped up, all but ran for the door, yanked it open, threw himself out and slammed the door shut behind himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Jensen all but flew from the cottage, through the garden, quickly detoured around the house, not wanting to run into anyone, not Kim, not Gen, _no one_ , because did they all know? Did they all know they had something… _potentially dangerous_ living in the cottage?

_It’s not a_ thing. _It’s not dangerous_ , the only rational part of his brain whispered. _It’s_ Jared.

Jensen was pretty ok with ignoring the rational part of his brain at that moment.

The car that Rob and Rich drove was there, and Rob himself was currently leaning against it. Jensen barrelled up to him in a flurry.

‘We’re going out’ he ordered.

‘Sorry?’ Rob blinked.

‘Out – we are going. Out. Now. Get in the car’ Jensen repeated.

Rob straightened slowly. ‘Okayyy. Just. Hold on a moment. Is everything ok?’

‘ _Is everything_ – ’ Jensen gave a short hysterical laugh, then shook himself hard. ‘It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t – look, we’re going out. Get the car, get Rich, whatever. We’re going out.’

Rob didn’t move. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea’ he said, starting to look concerned.

And Jensen decided he’d had enough of, well, _everyone_ and their opinions.

‘Look, I’m pretty sure when you get your pay-check the signature at the bottom reads “Ackles”,’ he snapped. ‘So when I said, we’re going out, it’s not a fucking suggestion, it’s an order.’

The concern was gone from Rob’s face in an instant, replaced by a tightened jaw.

‘Of course, _sir’_ he said stiffly.

Jensen winced at the tight voice, the sarcasm that dripped from the word, but pushed aside any guilt, shoving past Rob to clamour into the backseat of the car. He saw Rich approach Rob, say something, looking concerned, tossing looks over his shoulder. Rob said something in return. Jensen saw movement in the house, and decided he’d had enough. He leaned into the front of the car and hit the horn, blaring it once, twice. Both his bodyguards jumped, Rob scowled, and Jensen was pretty sure if it was allowed he’d simply love to punch Jensen at that moment. In the absence of being able to do that, instead they both got, stiffly and silently, into the car, started it up and began to drive away from the house.

‘Anywhere in particular you’d like to go, _sir_?’ Rob said.

‘Nearest bar’ Jensen chose to ignore the sarcasm.

‘Jensen’ Rich started.

‘If I want anyone’s opinion right now,’ Jensen interrupted sharply, ‘I’ll ask for it, ok?’

He saw Rob give Rich a “told you so” look, decided to ignore the both of them and their stupid, silent communication and focused instead on staring pointedly out of the window.

He needed a fucking drink. Or twenty.

 

**

 

The Spruce Goose, ridiculous name aside, was actually fairly busy for being a bar in a town in the middle of nowhere. Although, Jensen contemplated, perhaps that’s exactly _why_ it was so busy, because there was literally no other place for people to go.

He spotted a few of the people Gen had introduced him to the last time they’d been in town – _god_ , how long ago had that been, he hadn’t even _known_ Jared back then, hadn’t even spoken to him…

Hadn’t had his entire perception of reality thrown into question.

And if that was exaggerating somewhat, then _fuck it_ , Jensen thought, he was _allowed_ to be overdramatic he figured. If you found out the guy you’d been basically almost sleeping with for the last few months, the guy you’d been falling in –

Well, anyway, if you found out _that_ guy had some freaky mind powers that meant he could move things with his brain and also apparently explode lightbulbs, then _yeah_ , you’d probably be a little inclined to dramatics as well.

That was his excuse anyway.

He was glad that none of those he’d met before approached him, wondered if it was because the last time he’d worn glasses and a beanie, briefly realised that he was currently out sans disguise and maybe that was _why_ Rob and Rich had been so hesitant to have him go out in the first place, then decided, not for the first time that night: _fuck it_.

He didn’t care anyway.

‘Do I know you?’ the girl serving him his first shot of whisky asked, squinting a little at his face. ‘I swear you look familiar…’

Jensen grabbed at his whisky. ‘No, you don’t,’ he snapped shortly. ‘And don’t you know it’s rude to stare?’

The girl gave a surprised and offended huff, then narrowed her eyes at him. ‘That’ll be $10’ she said curtly.

Jensen felt slightly guilty at snapping, but then – hey, motto for the night, _fuck it_. He tossed the money across the counter and she snatched it and flounced away.

It was a few whiskies later when he realised she’d switched bar sides to serve others and left him with a surly older guy instead, and also that he’d given her a $20 and she’d never given him change. But he decided he probably deserved to be shafted a few dollars considering his attitude.

Even _more_ whiskies later and he was slumped over the bar, nursing a drink and feeling miserable and crappy and not any better than before. The thoughts of Jared, of _insane, crazy, what-the-fuck powers_ , of quiet voices asking ( _pleading_ ) not to leave, of not-so-long-ago promises of not going anywhere… they where still _there_ , covered in a drunken haze, muted, but _there dammit_ , and this venture to the bar wasn’t helping in the way he wanted.

Then there was a burst of flower perfume and he half lifted his head as a figure came into view at his side, leaning a little over the bar.

‘Whisky, please,’ a voice said. ‘Neat.’

The bartender bobbed his head and Jensen tilted his gaze to focus on the girl next to him. The _very pretty_ , small, red-headed girl, dressed up in heels, jeans and a pretty top, drumming her fingers on the counter a tad impatiently.

He opened his mouth, tried to think of something to say, and wound up blurting out, ‘do you believe in magic?’

The girl turned to him and arched an eyebrow. ‘Is that… is that some sort of terrible come-on line?’

Jensen huffed a laugh and scrubbed at his face. ‘No, I – sorry, I just,’ he shook his head, the world spun a little and he had to pause and blink to clear it a moment.

‘Just a rough night’ he finally finished.

The girl’s face lost a little of the scepticism as she accepted her drink and handed over her money. ‘Yeah, I,’ she sighed, ‘I can sympathise. Rough night for me too.’

Jensen looked at her questioningly.

She rolled her eyes and pulled a face. ‘Got stood up,’ she explained. ‘Blind date. Supposed to meet, um, an hour ago? I’m going to guess about now he’s not coming.’

‘His loss’ Jensen said automatically.

The girl smiled. ‘Yeah, it is,’ she said firmly, and Jensen laughed a little.

‘What about you?’ she titled her glass towards him.

Jensen sobered a little. ‘Uh. Just,’ he shrugged. ‘Complicated. It’s complicated.’

‘Hmm’ the girl hummed, then held her glass out. ‘To rough nights?’

Jensen smiled and clinked his glass. ‘To rough nights’ he agreed.

They both took a sip, then the girl seemed to make a decision.

‘I’m Julie,’ she said. ‘You want to get a table? Talk for a bit?’

_No,_ the rational part of his brain said. _No, you want to go home. You don’t want to get a table. You don’t want to talk. Because you_ know _where this goes, you_ know _how this ends and if it_ does _end that way, then you’ve ruined whatever you had, might have had, might still have._ You want to go home.

‘Jack,’ is what came out instead, ‘and yeah, that’d be great.’

 

***

Julie, Jensen decided, was awesome.

In a probably related way, alcohol, he also decided, was awesome.

They got a table, and they started talking, and Jensen kept drinking. And Julie was smart and funny and witty and… and she was the youngest of five kids, with a _normal_ father and a _normal_ mother and _normal_ childhood and she was _normal_.

Jensen liked normal at that moment.

The alcohol helped with that. Because the more he drank the quieter that rational part of his brain got and the more the picture of hazel eyes, floppy hair and dimpled smiles got fuzzier and fuzzier and more indistinct.

The more he drank the more he remembered how he had been _good_ at this; this drinking, this flirting, this _lifestyle_. It had been him for _24 years_. It only _hadn’t_ been him for a few months.

It was easy to fall back into it.

He registered that Julie’s touches were lingering on his arm, grower bolder and flirtier, and she herself was getting closer to him, until they were all but pressed against each other. He knew what that meant, where that was going. And at the moment, if it was going to happen, wouldn’t Julie just be perfect? Julie with her small stature, fiery red hair, pale skin – the very opposite of _everything_ that was…

Just… the very opposite.

He got to his feet and made his way unsteadily to the bathroom at one point, glancing around as he did so and seeing Rob at the doorway, watching him with a decidedly unimpressed look on his face, mouth set in a thin line and the sheen of disappointment in his eyes.

Jensen made the decision then not to look at Rob or Rich for the remainder of the night.

When he made his way back out, he saw Julie had moved, was now standing in one of the corners, peering over a long, glass topped, record-filled jukebox. He made his way towards her, stumbling a bit and finally made it to slump against the wall alongside the jukebox.

‘Floors are f’kin st’pid here’ he said, and was surprised at the slur of his voice.

Julie arched an eyebrow at him.

He waved a hand expansively. ‘Tilted,’ he informed her. ‘Swear t’god. Can’t walk str’t on them. They’re all wonky.’

Julie started to laugh. ‘I think you might be the wonky one, Jack’ she teased.

Jensen flapped a hand again. ‘Sht’up,’ he mock glowered at her, then peered at the jukebox. ‘Wassit?’

‘Not working, is what it is,’ Julie said mournfully, pouting. ‘I’ve been on at Sean to fix this thing for years. He never listens to me.’

Jensen wondered why Julie seemed to not be slurring as much as he was. Wondered if she wasn’t as drunk as he was. Wondered if maybe he could have a little nap, just for a moment. He leant against the wall, head thunking back, closing his eyes.

‘S’ok, I’ll buy th’s place a new one,’ he told her. ‘’M rich, y’know.’

Julie laughed and moved from the jukebox to stand in front of him. ‘Are you now?’ she arched an eyebrow.

Jensen lifted his head, opened his eyes and started a little when he saw she was _right_ there.

‘Uh, yeah,’ he bobbed his head, then remembered. ‘Sshh, though, s’asecret.’

‘A secret, huh?’ Julie smiled. ‘Ah. Mysterious and hot. I’m kinda thinking my blind date bailing was not the worst thing to have happened tonight.’

Jensen smiled, opened his mouth to say something, and then Julie was kissing him. The reaction was instantaneous, automatic, and he was kissing back more out of habit, the response ingrained in him. But, _what the hell_ , he figured, because he was drunk, and she was pretty and nice, and he drew her close, lifted a hand to cup the back of her head and tangle in her hair and –

And there was an explosion of sparks and shattering glass as the entire panel of glass at the front of the jukebox blew out.

Julie shrieked and leapt away from Jensen, staggering back.

‘Holy shit!’ she yelped.

There was tiny flames flickering in the jukebox, licking over the records and most of the surrounding people were on their feet, torn between getting away and looking closer, a buzz of voices filling the air.

The surly bartender was already rushing over. ‘The fuck – the fuck, it’s not even goddamn turned on, what the hell –’

And Jensen – Jensen had been bought back to earth with a resounding thud and he lurched past, ignoring Julie telling him to watch out for the glass as he pushed into the gathering crowd, head swinging around, eyes scanning because, because that _was so familiar_ , and _it had to be_ , and _that meant_ , and _oh shit_ , _oh fuck_ and -

A hand grabbed his arm and he jumped and whirled with a “Jar – ” on the tip of his tongue, only to see Julie standing there.

‘Hey, did you see that? Are you ok? Did any of the glass hit you?’ she babbled. ‘Sean said it must’ve been water on the cords – or beer – or some sort of surge – how freaky was that?’

Jensen swallowed, shook his head. ‘I thought – I think – I – ’

Then he put his hand to his head and closed his eyes, his mind reeling, the world reeling and he started to wish that he was a little less drunk. ‘I don’t feel s’good.’

He reopened opened his eyes and saw Julie looked at him with a soft, almost pitying look on her face.

‘Hey, how about I take you home?’ she said.

Jensen blinked, remembered what they’d been doing before and felt nausea rise, felt dizzy, took a step back. 

‘I... I don't' his head swung from side to side. 

Julie gave a sigh and a laugh. ‘Not like that, big guy,’ she said, taking his arm and gently steering him towards the door. ‘I just thought... I just think the best thing for you to do is sleep it off tonight.’

Yes. Sleep. That sounded more and more excellent by the moment and Jensen followed her obediently, stumbling a little as he went. He caught sight of Rob and Rich starting towards him and waved a hand as if to say “it’s ok, I got this” – or at least that’s what he _hoped_ he translated with his wave, it may have looked a little more like he was swatting at a fly.

He started to _really_ wish he was a little less drunk.

Julie led him to her car, and Jensen vaguely registered the pattering of rain on his shoulders and face, before she hustled him into the passenger side and then got in herself. Jensen squinted at her, surprised to find he had one eye that had fallen shut, but also finding it helped with the world spinning so dramatically.

‘You ok to drive?’

Julie winked at him. ‘I’ve got a high threshold for alcohol,’ she informed him as she started the car. ‘Besides which, I had significantly less than you, drunky.’

‘Not drunk’ Jensen slurred.

‘Of course’ Julie agreed.

Jensen rolled his head to squint outside at the surrounding carpark.

‘’Know that car,’ he murmured absently, feeling himself start to drift.

‘Mmm?’ Julie hummed questioningly.

‘’S’real, you know’ Jensen muttered, eyes slipping shut.

‘The… uh… car?’ Julie sounded confused.

‘N’… th’thing…’ Jensen mumbled. ‘Magic. S’real.’

Then he curled into himself and promptly passed out.

 

***

 

Jensen woke up the next morning and almost immediately wished he was dead.

His head was pounding, a dull, continuous pulsing throb that he could feel in his very eyeballs, his mouth was dry, fuzzy and felt a little like something had died in there, his stomach was dipping and swirling, rising nausea clawing at the back of his throat. He opened his eyes, saw sunlight, and immediately shut them with a soft moan.

He had no idea where he was, what he was doing there or, well, any idea of anything much beyond maybe mid morning yesterday.

He wasn’t at Jared’s, he knew, because there was a decided lack of clingy octopus limbs sprawled over him. He wasn’t on Jared’s couch either, because that couch could comfortably hold his height, and whatever he was lying on now, his legs were uncomfortably dangling over the edge. He was also extremely hungover, that much he also knew.

Had he and Jared been drinking last night? Had something happened to make them hit the bottle? Had Jared –

Jared. _Jared._

And Jensen opened his eyes wide.

The bookcase… falling. Stopping.

_‘I stopped the bookcase.’_

_‘That's not possible…’_

_‘I don’t know what the fuck you are.’_

_‘… some kind of_ freak. _’_

_‘Please don’t leave.’ ‘Please don’t leave.’_ ‘Please don’t leave.’

Bile rose to the back of his throat, salvia filled his mouth and he lurched upwards, a scratchy woollen blanket sliding from his waist, one hand flying to his mouth. He twisted, saw a conveniently placed bucket beside the couch – _who’s couch? Who’s? Where_ was _he?_ – had just enough time to grab it and then he was retching violently, throwing up the contents of his stomach.

Once he’d stopped heaving he lowered the bucket to the ground, slumped over himself, sweaty and panting, feeling sick and dizzy, his limbs trembling.

‘Um, good morning?’

He looked up and a pretty, red-haired girl was standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised, a half grimace, half smirk on her face. Jensen kind of felt like throwing up again.

Oh Christ. He _hadn’t_. Had he? _Had he?_

‘And that,’ the girl said, ‘is the expression of someone who regrets his entire existence.’

Jensen swallowed, shifting and looked around himself. He was on a couch in a small living room, tastefully decorated, a kitchen visible through the doorway the girl was standing in, a door to a bathroom to his left, and another door, probably to a bedroom, alongside it. He looked back to the girl.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t…’ he stopped.

‘Remember anything?’ the girl inclined her head.

‘I – ’ Jensen rubbed at his head, tried to think through the throbbing pain that kind of felt like his brain was trying to bust out of his skull, and some things started to trickle through. ‘Julie. You're. I. Um. Morning, Julie.’

The girl grinned and headed towards him, sitting herself in the reclining couch along side the one he was on. ‘Give the boy a prize.’

Jensen grimaced. ‘Sorry, I was –’

‘Extremely wasted?’ Julie finished. ‘Yeah I figured. Hence the bucket. Figured you might need it.’

‘Thanks,’ Jensen winced, and then he tugged and fiddled with the woollen blanket. ‘I – ’ he hesitated. ‘I can’t – did we?’

Julie gave a sigh, fluttered her eyes and a dreamy look crossed her face. ‘You were like a stallion.’

Jensen’s mouth went dry, a thrill of horror shot through him. ‘Oh, fuck’ was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Julie rolled her eyes, dropping the dreamy look. ‘Oh, relax. I’m just fucking with you. Consider it revenge for puking in my bucket,’ she said. ‘Nothing happened. And also, _thank you_ for looking _so_ horrified at the very idea of having had sex with me. Real confidence booster.’

Jensen’s face flushed. ‘No, no that’s not – I didn’t mean – it’s just – ’

‘Complicated,’ Julie said. ‘I know. You told me last night,' she paused a moment, 'you also, after I woke you in the car and dragged your heavy ass inside, called me Jared and told me you were sorry.’

Jensen swallowed and ducked his head.

Julie gave a sigh. ‘Want my advice?’ she said softly. ‘Go talk to "Complicated", apologise for whatever it is you did, or he did, or just whatever it was. Sort it out, ok?’

Jensen drew in a deep breath and nodded his head. He glanced up and tried to smile at her. ‘Thanks, Julie’ he said.

Julie waved a hand. ‘Thank me by cleaning up your puke,’ she replied as she got to her feet, then she paused and allowed herself a smile. ‘And anyway, I had fun. For the most part. The end part sucked, but anyway,’ she shrugged. ‘It was fun. And the jukebox thing was a story at least.’

Jukebox thing? Jensen wondered, then stopped wondering because wondering made his head hurt.

‘You need a lift anywhere?’ she added as Jensen, grimacing, rose to his feet with the bucket.

‘Um,’ he thought for a moment, ‘by any chance is there a black car parked out near the front of your place?’

Julie gave him a confused look, but she headed to her window, pulled aside the curtains and looked out. The confused look grew even more confused.

‘Um… yes’ she admitted. ‘There… is?’

Jensen bobbed his head. ‘Then no, I should be good. But, uh,’ he winced a moment as more memories filtered through, ‘… there is something you can maybe do for me?’

 

**

 

Rob was out of the car and leaning casually against the passenger door by the time Jensen was walking (more slinking really) towards it. He raised both eyebrows at the pink-frosted donut that Jensen was holding extended out towards him.

‘Peace offering’ Jensen attempted a smile as he waggled the donut at his security guard.

Rob didn’t say anything.

There was a beat, Jensen opened his mouth, and what blurted out was, ‘I didn’t sleep with her.’

‘Mmm’ Rob hummed unconvincedly.

‘And… I’m sorry?’ Jensen tried.

Rob did say anything.

‘Really, really sorry?’ Jensen added.

Rob sighed, reached out and took the donut. ‘Pink frosting?’ he queried.

‘It was all she had’ Jensen answered.

‘So you pass out at some girl's place, steal her donuts and don’t even sleep with her?’ Rob said.

‘And I threw up in her bucket’ Jensen admitted mournfully.

Rob sighed again.

‘Aha, Drunken Beauty arises’ a voice called out from behind Jensen.

He turned to see Rich approaching, clutching a brown paper bag with the tell-tale signs of something nice and greasy inside, and a tray of coffees. Jensen’s eyes lit up.

‘Rich, you’re a life saver’ he said, reaching out.

‘Hmm? These?’ Rich passed the tray to Rob, pointedly bypassing Jensen’s arms. ‘No these are for us. But,’ he fished something from his back pocket and held it out to Jensen, ‘they were courtesy of your credit card. So thanks for that.’

Jensen looked at the card, sighed and then took it. ‘I suppose I deserved that.’

‘That, and _so_ much more, buddy boy,’ Rich announced cheerfully.

‘I... fucked up,’ Jensen blurted out. ‘So bad. Guys I _fucked up_ yesterday.’

The jovial look faded from Rich’s face and he glanced to Rob. Rob dug into his own pocket.

‘Yeah, we figured as much,’ he said, and held out what Jensen recognised as his own phone. ‘Your phone was going crazy all night – missed calls, text messages. We had to turn it off it was so hectic.’

Jensen swallowed, stared at the phone as if it were a bomb, then took it and carefully turned it over in his hands. He went to turn it on, thought the better of it, and instead pocketed with a grimace.

‘Let’s head back, yeah?’ he said. ‘And uh, if you want to take the exceptionally long way back, I think I’d be ok with that.’

 

**

 

Jensen’s stomach churned the entire trip back to the house. He wasn’t sure how much of it was the hangover and how much of it was a horrible mixture of nerves, guilt and self-loathing. He rested his head against the cold glass and watched the rain that had started up patter down, droplets chasing on another down the surface.

Christ. What was he going to do? To say?

His mind was a mess, not helped by the lethargy and fogginess of a hangover. Because, _Jesus_ , on the one hand there was this whole _thing_ … this _powers_ , this _psychic mind thing_ , that he didn’t know how to wrap his head around. How much did it change? _Did_ it change anything? Wasn’t it still just Jared, deep down? Was the “moving stuff” all that he could do? Was there more? How did it happen? Who else knew? There were so many questions.

Questions, he knew, he should’ve sat down and calmly talked about the night before, with Jared, instead of…

Christ. Jensen closed his eyes tight.

The stuff he’d said. The words he’d thrown in Jared’s face.

The image of Jared’s broken, pleading gaze. His soft words. _Please don’t leave_.

And he had.

Fuck. He _had_. He’d left, just a week after promising he _wouldn’t_ do that. Never mind that he'd been freaked out, never mind that he'd be thrown for a total loop, confused, scared - never mind that because what he'd done, what he'd said... Jensen reached up and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes to push the burning back and swallowed the lump in his throat down. He didn’t, he told himself sternly, have any right to cry.

There was the familiar sound of gravel beneath the tyres, signalling them turning into the driveway and Jensen sucked in a breath, hands still pressed to his eyes. How the hell was he going to make this right?

‘Coffee?’

He dropped his hands, opened his eyes to see Rich offering one of the four coffees he’d apparently bought just to charge extra to Jensen’s credit card and possibly just to taunt him. There was a glimmer of sympathy on his security guard’s face. He looked at the proffered coffee and thought that if had so much as a drop of liquid or grain of food in his stomach at that moment he’d probably throw up.

‘No thanks’ he croaked.

‘Looks like we’ve got a welcome party’ Rob murmured.

Jensen looked and, sure enough, saw Gen hovering on the patio. He let out a low groan, and clenched his jaw a little. There was a little flare of anger inside him towards her and he grasped that because, _Christ_ , there was no way Gen didn’t know about the whole powers thing and she and Kim were the one’s keeping stupid secrets. Maybe if they’d told him, if they’d been up front, then maybe this whole fucked situation could’ve been avoided.

Never mind, the rational part of his brain, waiting to pounce, whispered, never mind that it wasn't their secret to tell.

It felt good, it felt good to be angry at someone.

So when they pulled up, and after he'd swung from the car, when Gen started down the steps towards him, he was riled, ready to argue back to her, ready to tell her that he was pissed at her, that he - 

Gen went right past him and straight to the car, yanking the door open and peering wildly inside.

Jensen stopped, felt a little bewildered and turned the exact moment Gen also spun to face him.

‘Where’s Jared?’ she demanded.

This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go and Jensen was at a loss.

‘I – what? He’s – I don't know? His cottage?’

Gen sucked in a breath. ‘Shit,’ she said, then she was pushing past him and hurrying back towards the house. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’

Jensen felt the first prickling of unease, dread started to trickle into his stomach.

‘Gen?’ he moved to hurry after her. ‘Gen, what’s going on? Gen? _Gen_!’

She spun, and her face carried the beginnings of fear and worry.

‘Jared’s missing’ she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a quick note, while I'm hoping to continue with this quick updating of chapters, I do have to warn y'all I'm flying to Vancouver in a few days (for Supernatural VanCon actually, whoo!) so I may be a bit distracted for a bit!
> 
> (That being said though, it's a like a 24 hour flight (eek) from Australia to Vancouver... soooo on the other side of things, I also have a pretty solid amount of free time to write & edit! :P)
> 
> But yes, bear with me if things aren't as quick as they have been! And also remember guys, this is my first fic & I'm doing my best so bear with me there too I guess! And thank you for kind comments & kudos, they encourage me to keep going <3


	12. Chapter 12

‘Wait, wait, wait a minute,’ Jensen scrambled through the door after Genevieve. ‘What do you mean "missing"? Since when? What’s going on?’

Gen spun around. ‘" _What’s going on"_ is yesterday afternoon I look out the window and see smoke coming from Jared’s cottage and when I go in, the door’s open, no one’s in there, there’s some… _sauce_ thing literally in flames that someone left burning on the oven, a pot of pasta boiling dry, there’s a bookcase on the ground, books everywhere, you and Jared are gone, the truck is gone, _your_ car is gone and – we tried calling you, both of you, and no one was picking up! We called Sandy and Tahmoh and they hadn’t seen you and – and, _Christ_ , Jensen, we thought you’d been kidnapped, we thought whoever was after you had – ’

She faltered and lapsed into silence and Kim emerged from the kitchen into the hallway. She stopped, zeroing in on Jensen.

‘You’re back,’ she said.

‘Jared’s not with him’ Gen turned to inform her.

Kim ran a hand through her dark, spiky hair. ‘Crap,’ she said, then looked to Jensen. ‘Where were you? Why weren’t you picking up? Was Jared with you?’

Jensen’s head was spinning a little, trying to keep up. ‘I – I was out, I – no he wasn’t – he didn’t –’

‘When was the last time you saw him?’ Kim asked.

And now both she and Gen were side by side, staring at him, questioning, demanding and Jensen could feel his face heating up, his stomach twisting.

‘I don’t – late afternoon? I guess’ he stammered.

‘Late afternoon?’ Kim repeated. ‘And you went out?’

‘I – uh – yeah, I went out’ Jensen stuttered.

Something started to flicker on Gen’s face; a look of suspicion and dawning realisation .

‘And Jared was in the cottage when you left?’ Kim confirmed.

‘Y- yeah’ Jensen answered.

‘Did something happen?’ Gen asked abruptly.

Jensen swallowed.

‘Fuck,’ Gen cursed, ‘fuck, _fuck_ – _what did you do_?’

Jensen bristled. ‘What, like you care, Miss "Don’t Come Running to Me"? Remember _that_ little speech? And – and - you could’ve _told_ me! Either of you! You could have let me know –about –I mean, how was I _supposed_ to react? _He stopped a goddamn bookcase with his mind!_ I freaked out! _Anyone_ would’ve! If you’d all just told me – if you’d just – ’

Gen glowered. ‘If you said something – did something – ’

‘Gen, not the time,’ Kim interrupted, then took a deep breath and looked at Jensen squarely, an indecipherable look on her face. ‘So you found out what Jared can do. I assume there was then a verbal altercation of some kind and then you left?’

‘Didn’t I say?’ Gen couldn’t seem to help herself. ‘Didn’t I predict this _exact_ goddamn scenario? Why does no one ever listen to me?’

‘Gen,’ Kim said again, holding up a hand, still looking at Jensen. ‘Jensen?’

‘I – ’ Jensen started to answer, then stopped as something tickled in his brain, as the memory wormed its way through the haze of a hangover and alcohol. He sucked in a sharp breath.

‘Oh,’ he said, ‘ _oh_. _Oh no_. I – the jukebox.’

‘Come again?’ Kim blinked.

Jensen pressed both hands to his face. ‘The – the jukebox. Broke. Christ, _no_.’

‘Wow, that is truly fascinating,’ Gen said sarcastically. ‘I’m _so_ sorry to hear about your broken jukebox, you poor –’

Jensen dropped his hands. ‘No, god, shut up – the jukebox broke, like a power surge, like a – a _mind_ thing! _Jared’s_ mind thing.'

‘You think he took the truck and followed you to the bar?’ Kim said.

Jensen nodded miserably.

Kim yanked her phone from her pocket. ‘I’ll call Danneel, she’s in the town already looking around, I’ll tell her to swing by the – ’

She paused and looked to Jensen expectantly.

‘The Spruce Goose’ he said softly.

Kim nodded once, and then she was dialling a number and pacing down the hallway a bit. Gen was still glaring at him.

‘ _So_ ,’ she said, ‘you wanna tell us what you were doing when the jukebox blew up? Huh?’

Jensen’s jaw clenched. ‘That’s not – ’ he took a deep breath. ‘It’s none of your business.’

Gen snorted. ‘There’s lipstick on your shirt, asshole.'

‘Ok – ok – yep, thanks, Dani, bye,’ Kim was suddenly back at Gen’s side, rubbing her face, the hand holding the phone dropping. ‘The truck’s there,’ she told Gen dully, ‘locked up tight. No Jared.’

Panic started to flutter in Jensen’s stomach, his mouth felt dry. He had a sudden flash to any time that Jared had used his… _mind thing_ – the weakness, faintness, migraine, blood noses. He’d caused the jukebox to explode and then… then what? Had he collapsed somewhere? Fallen somewhere?

‘We’ll take the old Ford,’ Kim was saying, ‘the one we keep in the old barn? It won’t make it anywhere near close to the town, but we can – I don’t know – drive as far as we _can_ get and look along there.’

‘In case he decided to try and walk back here?’ Gen retorted sarcastically.

‘Gen, it’s all we have right now – Tahmoh’s looking around the farm, Danneel and Sandy are looking in town – if you have another suggestion?’

Gen made a frustrated growl, ran her hands through her dark hair. ‘There’s gotta be more – something –’

‘I want to help,’ Jensen blurted out. ‘What can I do?’

Two sets of eyes swivelled to look at him.

Gen snorted. ‘Fuck off, Ackles,’ she spat.

Kim however flickered her eyes to look behind him. ‘We need to borrow your car’ she said, directing the question over his shoulder.

Jensen turned to see that Rob and Rich must have entered at some point during the discussion, silently slipping in behind him. Both of them exchanged a look. Rob had the keys in his hand and he glanced down at them and then up, twisting them in his fingers.

‘It’s… supposed to be for…’ he made an apologetic face. ‘It’s supposed to be for Jensen. For _his_ use and protection – ’

‘ _Oh_ for fuck’s – ’ Gen gave a short, harsh laugh. ‘Right. _Right_. Of _course_.’

‘What? For the love of – ’ Jensen snatched the keys from Rob’s hand and held them to Kim. ‘Of _course_ you can borrow – you can drive – ’

Kim grabbed the keys without thanking him and was already heading for the door. ‘Gen, come on, now we can head to town and join the search there.’

‘And me,’ Jensen took half a step forward. ‘And me – I can help – I want to – ’

‘Jensen,’ Kim gusted a sigh, stopped and turned to look, and her eyes were filled with worry, fear.. and disappointment. _That_ had been what he couldn’t identify before. A look of disappointment. It made his stomach twist and crushed the previous expectations that he'd had that he couldn’t _possibly_ feel any lower because, _oh no_ , there he was, falling down to all new level.

‘I’m sorry,’ he blurted out desperately. ‘You’ve _got_ to know. I’m so sorry – I didn’t – I want to make this right. I’m _sorry_.’

‘See, it’s not me that you need to be apologizing to, kiddo’ Kim said softly.

‘Kim!’ Gen shouted impatiently from the door.

‘I just think… under the circumstances, it’s better you just stay here,’ Kim said, looking away. ‘Clean yourself up,’ her eyes flickered back to him, flicked to his shirt, to the lipstick smear he hadn’t even known was there, ‘just… I think. I think its probably better you don’t help.’

‘B-but…’ Jensen stammered out.

‘And maybe – ’ Kim sighed again. ‘Maybe we… maybe we can call Jim. After we’ve found… Maybe this wasn’t.. It just might be a good idea if we look for… an alternative to this situation.’

‘You want me to leave’ Jensen felt a little like his stomach had dropped out.

‘Yes’ Gen said from the doorway, loudly, viciously.

‘We’ll talk when we get back’ was all Kim said.

She hadn’t disagreed with Gen.

And come to think of it, she hadn’t disagreed with Jensen either.

Then they were both gone, out towards the car, leaving Rob, Rich and Jensen behind. Rich gave him a sad look and lifted the coffee he still had in one hand.

‘…Coffee?’ he offered.

Jensen didn’t say anything, turned and headed down the hallway, vaguely hearing the sounds behind him of Rob smacking Rich over the head and saying something that sounded like “ _coffee? Really?!_ , vaguely hearing the sounds of the car starting up and heading down the gravel, vaguely hearing the sounds of the rain beginning to fall outside, and feeling slightly detached from it all.

He turned to head to his own bedroom, stopped, and instead found himself heading out the back door, barely registering the rain as he headed through the garden towards the cottage. He stepped inside the doorway and peered around, almost hopefully, as if expecting Jared to walk out and greet him (probably with a punch, but still, Jensen would take that if it meant he was  _here._ )

The cottage was silent and empty.

Feeling at a loss, he went into the lounge and started to methodically pick up the books that had scattered when the bookcase had fallen. Once that was done, he headed to the kitchen and started to clean the mess on the stove top, scrubbing uselessly at the scorch marks, grasping at _anything_ to occupy his focus and combat the frustrating clench of hopelessness and uselessness blooming in his chest.

He shouldn’t be here. He should be helping. He should be looking for Jared.

He should be fixing _his_ mess.

He had pulled into the driveway so concerned with _how_ he’d apologise to Jared, and _now_ all he could think about – all that bubbled in his mind with panic so acute it made his breath stutter in his chest and his movements freeze as he worked – all that he could think was _would he even get the chance to_?

If Jared was –

If Kim made him leave before –

If. If. _If_.

He found himself wandering back into lounge again and his legs finally gave way. He collapsed onto the couch, head slumping back against the back of it, and shut his eyes tight.

 

**

 

When he opened them it was in a completely disorientating manner, sitting up with a wild flail of his arms and a jolting snort, blinking blearily around himself. d obviously, stupidly, _annoyingly_ , fallen asleep.

He’d fallen asleep.

Jared was _missing_ and he’d fallen asleep.

_Just when you couldn’t hate yourself anymore, Ackles_ , he thought, clenching his jaw.

He glanced to the digital clock on the DVD player and saw it was 4am, which meant he’d been asleep for _hours_ and wouldn’t that just look _great_ to Kim and Gen; Jared missing and him casually taking a nap. _Awesome_.

Unless, and he felt a tiny spark of hope, _unless_ they’d already found Jared, unless everything was ok now and they were at the main house all together. He got to his feet and made quickly for the door, wincing when he glanced out and saw the rain was bucketing down in heavy sheets. He took a breath and braced himself, sprinting through the icy cold rain to the main house. Even the distance from the cottage there had him already soaked through and shaking a little from the cold. Rich was at the back door and he raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

‘You have a mobile,’ he said. ‘You could’ve called and we’d have bought an umbrella or something, Christ, Jensen.’

‘J-jared?’ Jensen got out through chattering teeth.

Rich’s sympathetic look was all he needed to know. His stomach plummeted and he rubbed a hand over his face, swallowing hard. He pushed into the warmth of the main house, heard voices from the kitchen and headed quietly over, dripping water heedlessly on the floor. He paused out of the sight of the kitchen, inclined his head to listen in. Kim was talking and he could tell it must’ve been on the phone. She and Gen must’ve returned.

‘… ok, yes I know that… yes, I _know_ , Sheriff,’ Kim was saying. ‘I _know_ the 48 hour… I _realise_ , but _Christ_ , Bill, we’re looking at a few hours before it’s 48 hours and it’s bucketing out there, can't you… I’m sorry?... what do you mean by “one of my kids”?... I… you know what, Sheriff, I have to go. Thank you _so much_ for your help.’

There was a beat and the sound of something clattering. He wondered if Kim had thrown her phone.

‘That sounded like it went well’ Danneel’s voice.

‘Apparently you can’t report a person as missing until it’s been 48 hours,’ Kim’s voice was tight. ‘No exceptions. And apparently,’ it sounded a little like her jaw was clenched, ‘ _apparently_ , I should “relax” because the “types of kids” I let stay with me are prone to taking up and leaving.’

‘Asshole’ Gen’s voice muttered.

‘What’s the next move?’ Danneel asked.

‘We go back out and keep looking’ Gen snapped in a “duh” tone of voice.

‘Gen…’ Kim sighed. ‘Honey, when was the last time you slept? And the weather – it’s coming down out there – ’

‘So, what?’ Gen’s voice was rising. ‘We do nothing? We sit around and – ’

Jensen started to quietly back away, their voices fading as he headed to the back door and outside again. He turned to Rich, who was still standing there.

‘I want to go to town,’ he said firmly, resolutely. ‘I want to look.’

Rich inclined his head. ‘Jensen,’ he said. ‘You remember like two nights ago when we told you something might not be a good idea and you went ahead and did it anyway?’

Jensen winced. ‘Yes, but –’

‘Well, this is totally different,’ Rich clapped him on the back, lifted a hand and twirled a set of keys on his finger. ‘Rob’s already by the car. Let’s go, boss.’

Jensen stared, mouth a little agape. ‘Are – did you just play me? _Now_? Of all times?

‘The payback thing,’ Rich informed him, ‘it’s gonna be ongoing for a while.’

‘Now?’ Jensen repeated a bit louder. ‘ _Of all times_?’

'Sssh, boss,' Rich shushed him, steering him around the house. 'Don't want the people inside to hear.'

Jensen closed his eyes, counted to ten and thought after, _after_ they'd found Jared, he'd fire Rich.  _After._  

 

**

 

The rain had not let up even by the time they reached the town a little over an hour later. They parked up next to Kim’s old truck, still sitting in the Spruce Goose carpark. Jensen took stock a little more of his surroundings, something he didn’t recall doing the last time he was here, his mind too preoccupied beforehand and his… well, his drunkenness preventing him as he left. The pub was on the outskirts of the town, right at the very edge, backing onto a thick, dense looking forest. He squinted at the line of trees and something fluttered in his stomach.

Rich meanwhile looked at his watch. ‘It’s a little after 5 now,’ he said. ‘Might be a few people around we can ask, see if they’ve seen a moose-sized teen lately.’

‘Moose-sized?’ Jensen said.

‘In this weather?’ Rob squinted out the window. ‘You really think anyone will be out?’

Rich shrugged. ‘Worth a shot, right Jensen?’ he twisted to look around.

‘Any… any looking is better than doing nothing’ Jensen said determinedly and reached for the handle.

‘Jensen,’ Rob said quickly, ‘just remember, you’re still under threat at the moment. Don’t wander away from us. We look, but we stick together, ok?’

‘Right’ Jensen agreed.

And he _meant_ to obey as they exited the car, umbrellas up, squinting through the rain. He _really meant_ to follow Rob and Rich as they headed from the carpark towards the main drag of the town (in so much as a town that small _could_ have a main drag). _He really did_.

Only, he _didn’t,_ because he turned his back ze almost immediately past the car park at the dense forest, made a decision, and headed in that direction instead, leaving Rob and Rich obliviously heading in the opposite direction.

He walked past the truck, through the car park and reached the outskirts of the forest, stepped just a little into the trees and turned, squinting through the rain at the car park. He then glanced a little to the side and sucked in a breath. One of the trees near by was snapped clean in half, trunk broken at about his chest height.

It _could_ have been caused by the rain and the wind. It could _very easily_ be that.

But the thing was, when he stood next to it, at the tree, it was the _perfect_ position to have stood, one hand against the trunk when it had been whole, and watched, seen as someone – _some drunk idiot_ , he thought savagely – followed a red-headed girl through the car park, and into her car.

He wondered at mind… _power things_ that could explode jukeboxes and wondered if they could also break tree trunks.

Then he turned and started to walk further into the woods. He folded the umbrella up, the wide brim getting caught and snagged on trees and branches, and peered around himself intently. There was very little light, the combination of the early morning and the heavy rain and cloud cover but he saw – _thought_ he saw – what _might’ve_ been signs, hints of someone tearing up shrubs, snapping branches, breaking things in a haphazard path. Destruction... and not necessarily with two hands.

He started to walk, focusing hard, intently, barely paying attention to where he was going. He was _so_ focused on looking around himself at anything that could hint that Jared might've passed through this section, that when his foot hit the slippery slope, the mud-slicked steep incline, it slid and skidded out from underneath him and he would’ve fallen – would’ve tumbled straight down – if he hadn’t thrown a hand back, latching onto a tree, his arm wrenching painfully in his socket, pulling his descent to an abrupt halt with a sharp yelp of pain and surprise.

Jensen gasped a moment, his heart thundering at the sudden shock, blinking rapidly. He managed to slowly right himself using the tree and took a step back from the steep, muddied incline. He peered over the edge and saw it was steep hill, rivulets of rain running down, turning dirt to mud and exposing the rocks that protruded from the side. At the bottom was what looked like a dried riverbed, now filling with a little water from the rain. He winced a little at the thought of taking a tumble down.

Then, through the sheets of rain, his eyes snagged on the sprawled lump half at the bottom, near a cluster of rocks. Time froze for a split second.

_Jared._

He wasn’t sure why he was so positive when he could barely make out the shape, could hardly even identify it as being a human and not some sort of –

_Moose?_ Rich’s voice in his brain supplied.

And Jensen let out a near hysterical laugh born purely out of fear and relief and hope and started to scramble down the side of the incline, feet slipping and sliding in the mud. He could barely stay upright as he went, dropping into a half crouch, one hand also slipping and gripping at the mud to keep himself steady. He wanted to go slow, knew that was the only way he would make it down without falling, but he couldn’t – _he couldn’t_ – and soon enough his half scrambling, rushing pace saw his feet slide and he fell, landed hard, started to slide and roll over stones and mud, limbs flailing, coming to stop with a bump at the bottom, tumbling into the half-formed stream, his face scraping painfully against stones.

His world spun a moment even as he tried to get to his feet, aware of a throbbing arm that now joined the shoulder that still ached from his reach before. He half stumbled, half staggered over to the figure and let out a cry when he reached it.

_Jared._

Jared's legs were sprawled out in the muddy half stream, body up the steep hill, sprawled face down, one arm angled awkwardly under his body, other outstretched, surrounded by protruding rocks. Jensen fell to his knees with a splat down next to the prone figure, feeling panic bubbling in his chest. If Jared had fallen that night down this ditch then did that mean he’d been unconscious since then?

Unconscious or –

With shaky hands he rolled Jared towards him, slipped half frozen fingers to the younger man’s neck, seeking, searching. Someone was talking and it took a moment to realise that it was him.

_‘Please be ok, please be ok, you gotta be ok, please, please, please –_ ’

His eyes searched over Jared’s face, mud encrusted and slack, and snagged on the jagged, nasty looking cut that ran from his temple across his forehead. Jensen’s breath caught at the sight of the wound, then caught again when he realised he could feel a pulse thrumming in Jared’s neck beneath his fingers.

‘Oh thank _fuck_ , thank god, _thank god’_ fell from his lips, and he felt lightheaded, almost dizzy with relief.

He slipped his hands to cup Jared’s face, stroking thumbs over the skin of his cheekbones. Jared’s skin was ice cold and there was a blue tinge to his lips.

‘Hey, hey, Jay, Jared, can you hear me?’ he called, rubbing the ice cold skin. ‘Sweetheart, please, wake up, wake up.’

Hospital, they needed a hospital. Jared had possibly been unconscious for over a day, lying in the rain, had a head wound, and – and maybe others, Jensen couldn’t tell. The younger man had tumbled right down into the rocks and what if he’d damaged more? Jensen could feel panic and fear rising in his chest, clawing in his throat.

‘Jensen!’

It was vague and distant, the shout, but he heard it and jolted. In a flash, he remembered, _Rob and Rich._ They were trained professionals, probably more equipped to deal with this than he was. He took a deep breath and yelled at the top of his lungs.

‘ _Here! Down here! Here_!’

He half glanced at Jared to see if his roaring had stirred the younger man and the sight of the still, muddied, slack face made a soft sob escape his throat. He manoeuvred himself, shifted to duck his head inches from Jared’s face, press his body a bit closer, hoping wildly that somehow he could offer some sort of heat, despite the fact that he was just as sodden, and already shaking from the cold.

‘You’re g-gonna be okay, y-you’re g-gonna be j-just f-fine, s-sweetheart,’ his teeth were chattering hard and he kept up the gentle rubbing on Jared’s cheeks, his breath ghosting over Jared's face. ‘I’m s-so s-sorry, s-so s-sorry for everything, god, J-jared, p-please – ’

A beam of light swept across the side of his vision and he jerked his head up to see two figures silhouetted at the top of the incline. Relief flooded him.

‘S-see, g-gonna get you out of here,’ he said, ‘s-see Jay?’

There was movement and Jensen peered through the rain as one of the figures made their way down in a much more controlled manner than Jensen ever could, stumbling only a few times before arriving at their side, peering down.

‘Jesus, you’re like a mud monster,’ it was Rich.

‘J-jared- f-found –’ Jensen got out.

‘Yeah, I can see that’ Rich crouched down a little.

‘H-hospital’ Jensen said. ‘N-need – ’

Rich ran a hand uselessly across his wet face. ‘This town is miniscule, Jensen, I’m sure there’s doctors, but there certainly isn’t a hospital here.’

Jensen clutched a little closer to Jared, started to entertain ideas of hiring a helicopter to fly them out using his money, or demanding his father's private jet even, when Rich tugged at him to try to move him away from Jared. He tightened his grip.

‘What?’

‘I need to check him, Jensen, make sure there's no broken bones,’ Rich said gently, as if explaining it to a child, ‘you need to move a moment, just a little, ok?’

Reluctantly Jensen moved away, wrapping his arms around himself, shivering and shaking in the rain as Rich ran expert hands over Jared’s still form.

‘Nothing broken, I don’t think’ he said eventually.

‘He’s unconscious’ Jensen pointed out uselessly.  

‘Yeah, that’s a worry, especially if we don’t know if he's woken up at any point after he fell,’ Rich muttered, and then gently thumbed one of Jared’s eyelids open, leaning over to shelter much of the rain and shining his torch light into his gaze. ‘Definitely looking at a concussion.’

Jensen made a noise of distress.

‘But with no broken bones, between the two of us we can get him up and out of here at least,’ Rich said. ‘Out of the rain, into the car and we can drive to the nearest hospital or doctor.’

Jensen bobbed his head wordlessly and between the two of them, shuffling and struggling, they managed to get the limp form between them, Jared’s arms slung over each of their shoulders. It looked bizarre when they finally found their footing enough to stand, the height different of Rich making them at a weird slant. In any other circumstances Jensen might have found it hilarious and teased Rich about his shortness.

As it was, Jensen didn’t really feel like he’d ever find anything hilarious again.

It was hard going and slow – _too_ slow in Jensen’s opinion – but between the two of them, slipping and falling and struggling, and then with Rob’s help when they neared the top, they managed to get Jared up the side of the incline. By the time they had reached the top, Jensen felt shaky and a terrible combination of cold and hot, heated inside his wet clothes from exertion, but the relentless rain still falling in icy sheets over the rest of him. His arm and shoulder were still throbbing and he wondered if he’d pulled a muscle. Then Jared’s head lolled heavily and he berated himself; there were more important things to be focused on.

It was easier to get Jared from the incline to the car, what with Rob’s help this time round, and then the two bodyguards were bundling him and Jared into the back seat. Jensen was seated and Jared was sprawled (as much as his over 6ft frame would allow) head and chest tucked up against Jensen’s chest. Rob shut the door behind them, darted into the boot of the car and returned with a car tarp. He climbed into the driver's seat as he handed it back to Jensen.

‘No blankets,’ he explained apologetically, putting a face, ‘I just thought – better than nothing right?’

Jensen nodded and grabbed the tarp, spreading it over himself and Jared.

Rob was turning the car on, cranking the heater. ‘Rich is calling Kim,’ he explained. ‘Letting her know we found him. And finding out where the nearest hospital is. Uh, it might,’ Rob hesitated, then winced, ‘it might be better if maybe if you stripped off? Your shirt at least. And maybe Jared’s? Skin to skin is just better to generate warmth and the kid’s gotta be freezing, we don’t want him going hypothermic…’

Heat rushed to Jensen’s cheeks, but he could see the logic and his clothes were muddy and soggy and sticking wetly to his skin anyway. He just… thought that of _all_ the people to being getting semi-naked with Jared, for _any_ reason, he was probably the one the younger man would appreciate the _least_ right then.

But he acquiesced, and shrugged and twisted out of his clothes, then carefully as he could, stripped Jared from his jacket and shirt. When the last of the fabric peeled away from Jared’s skin he sucked in a sharp breath and hot, white anger, laced with horror shot through his body, for a second his mind freezing, stuttering over the sight.

The sight of the huge, white scar of a cross that had literally been carved into Jared’s skin, spanning his chest and down to his torso.

And more - more on his chest and torso - scars of other strange, odd symbols.

Carved into his skin. _Carved into his fucking skin, who would’ve – could’ve –_

‘Jensen?’ Rob was twisting to look at him.

Jensen dropped the tarp quickly over Jared’s chest, covering it from Rob’s eyes just for now, just while he could, and pulled the younger man close to his own chest, shuddering at the ice cold of Jared’s skin. He pushed aside his own discomfort at the coldness and began rubbing gently up and down the younger man’s skin.

There was a creak, the passenger front door opened and Rich slid in, shutting it tight behind him. ‘We’re going back to Kim’s’ he announced.

‘What?’ Jensen stopped his ministrations, stared.

‘Kim said no hospitals,’ Rich said. ‘She’s got a doctor. Said he’s "special." He’s a little over an hour out from Kim’s; we should both get there the same time.’

Jensen opened his mouth to question Kim’s decision – then something sunk in. A _special_ doctor.

He had a sudden vision of taking Jared to the hospital, of Jared freaking out  somehow, of light bulbs or equipment exploding in showers of glass, of people taking note, of people taking _interest_ in Jared, in what he could do – his mind started spiralling with horrific possibilities and it took a full minute before he even realised that Rob had already begun to drive away from the Spruce Goose.

When he snapped out of his reverie he saw Rich looking at him scrutinisingly. He wondered if the bodyguards knew about what Jared could do, and doubted it.

'Funny thing, needing a special doctor' Rich said.

Jensen forced a weak smile. 'Probably means he's cheaper.'

'Hmm' Rich hummed.

Jensen glanced away, and then down, focusing on the still, cold man held to his chest. He started up his gentle rubbing again, ducked his head to brush his lips on mud-tangled wet hair.

'Hear that, we're heading back to Kim's,' he murmured softly. 'Get you some help. You're gonna be just fine, ok, sweetheart? You're going to be just fine.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact - I forgot to mention, the Spruce Goose is actually a real life pub near where I live. It's awesome.
> 
> Also: sorry this took so long! The next chapter should be up sometime within the next two days and spoiler alert, finalllly gonna be revealing all the ins and outs of Jared's past :p


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that this chapter took so long to post! Between flights & airports, internet access and writing opportunities have become a tad sporadic!  
> I should probably add a quick warning for this chapter - we finally go into the nitty-gritty of Jared's past, so there will be mention of abuse, religious themes (kinda...? I think?), a brief reference to an attempted sexual assault and people generally being dicks. But! That being said, all the angst of this chapter is just leading the way for a happier next chapter :P

They were about halfway back to Kim’s when Jared started to stir. Jensen could only assume that a combination of the warmth of his own body heat, the car heater and the tarp was starting the blood circulating in the younger man’s previously frozen extremities, and knew the sensation to feel something akin to sharp, needle-point stabbings of pain. It was minute twitches at first, Jared’s arms and legs moving spasmodically, then his head shifted restlessly on Jensen’s lap, face starting to twist and grimace. Jensen’s heart soared at the sign of some response finally from the younger man, only to plummet once more as Jared let out a soft whimper of distress.

He moved his hand to gently stroke through Jared’s grimy hair soothingly. ‘Easy, easy, Jay,’ he murmured.

Jared made a soft noise, face screwing up, eyelids fluttering. ‘Stop’tt…’ his voice came out a slurred mumble and he twitched his hands. ‘St’p….’

‘Sssh, s’ok, sweetheart,’ Jensen used one hand to continue the soothing motions though Jared’s hair, the other coming to cup his cheek. ‘You’re ok.’

‘’S’not in me, s’not,’ Jared muttered, shifting restlessly. His eyes fluttered a little more until they opened a crack; bleary, glazed hazel eyes drifting over the car in an unfocused way.

‘Jared?’ Jensen said softly, rubbing a thumb on his cheek.

Jared turned his groggy gaze up to Jensen’s face. ‘J’ns’n,’ he mumbled.

‘Hey, sweetheart’ Jensen smiled.

Jared’s eyes couldn’t seem to stay focused on one thing, drifting and wandering. ‘Jen, make ‘em st’p’ he muttered as his body gave an all-over shudder. ‘Pl’s, m’k m’stop.’

Jensen swallowed. ‘There’s - I can't – it’s ok, Jay, it’s ok, you’re safe, ok? You’re safe.’

Jared’s headed twisted back and forth in a shake. ‘No, y’don’t unnerstand, hurts,’ he gave a little whimper, clenched his eyes shut. ‘Hurtss.’

‘I know, I know,’ Jensen hated the helplessness he felt; the overwhelming need to help, to soothe, and the complete inability to do so, ‘it’ll be ok though, it’ll be ok.’

‘Don’t feel s’good,’ Jared said suddenly, and he was swallowing rapidly. ‘Don’t feel –’

Jensen’s brain had time to think, ‘uh-oh’, before Jared was rolling half off his lap and retching, vomiting onto the car floor and his shoes.

‘Oh hell’ Rich cursed.

Jensen grimaced but let a hand settle gently on Jared’s back, stroking up and down, the other attempting to sweep some of his hair out of the way. Jared coughed pitifully a few more times, strings of spit and bile still hanging from his lips, then half rolled back, whole body shivering.

‘S’rry, s’rry, s’rry,’ he muttered, ‘s’rry.’

Jensen grabbed at his discarded, still wet shirt and gently wiped the bile from Jared’s lips. ‘It’s ok’ he said softly.

‘Pl’s don’t p’nish me’ Jared whimpered.

Jensen’s mouth went dry. ‘I – ’ his voice caught a moment, then he cleared his suddenly tight throat. ‘No one’s going to punish you, Jay. No one.’

Jared let out a soft sigh, eyes fluttering shut again, turning his face into Jensen’s chest and all but burrowing in, body still wracked by tremors. Jensen swallowed hard, breathed in and out a few times to regain control over his emotions, then settled back against the car seat.

He saw Rich was gazing at the mess he could feel seeping a little into his jeans. His bodyguard looked back up at him.

‘I think,’ he paused, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and call the payback thing thoroughly taken care of now.’

He meant it as light-hearted, Jensen was sure, a distraction from what was happening, but all that Rich’s words did was make Jensen tense as he remembered _why_ his bodyguard’s were enacting “payback”, _why_ they were even in the damn car in the first place with Jared semi-conscious and sick. And he suddenly wondered if Jared would be this close, be allowing this cuddling if he wasn’t delirious, concussed and out of it.

Somehow he sincerely doubted it.

So he tightened his grip a little, held Jared a little snugger to him, and tried not to think about how this could be his last time being this close.

 

**

 

Dr Misha Collins, it appeared, operated out of a ramshackle van that from the outside looked like it was about 90% rust.

When they had pulled into the driveway and Jensen caught sight of the beast of a vehicle, he’d done a double take, wondering if another guest had shown up and thinking on the absolute terrible timing if they had.

But, no, it was the doctor’s.

It took a bit for that to be established however, their initial arrival a flurry of activity and shouting, the car door being yanked open and Gen blurting, ‘why are you half naked?!’ and a tall dark-haired man with piercing blue eyes that Jensen came to later know was Misha, commenting, ‘you have a nice chest’ in a mild way like someone would comment on the weather.

Then Jensen was helping them to get the still shaking Jared from the car and into Kim’s house, with Kim directing them to a spare bedroom with an adjoining bathroom on the first floor. They deposited Jared onto the bed and Gen was instantly all over him, checking pulses and wounds.

‘What happened? Where was he? What happened?’ she fired out.

‘The bar,’ Jensen answered, even as he was pushed back from Jared’s form, even as he lamented the loss of contact. ‘Near the bar. He’d fallen. Down the hill, hit his head I think.’

‘Has he woken at all since you found him?’ Misha asked.

Jensen startled a little, tore his eyes away from Jared to look at the serious looking man. ‘I – once? He was pretty out of it though,’ he squinted a little, ‘sorry, who are you?’

‘Dr. Misha Collins,’ the man replied.  ‘And if you would be so kind, I could use a burly man to help me get some equipment from my van?’

At the word “burly” he gestured and Jensen suddenly realized he was still shirtless, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. But Misha was already turning on his heel and heading towards the front door. He scrambled to follow him, stopping at the door to grab a jacket he’d left hanging at some earlier occasion and something else skittered into his mind.

‘ _Your_ van?’ he repeated incredulously as he left the house, zipping the jacket up. ‘ _You_ own – I mean – that thing is like a tetanus shot waiting to happen! That _can’t_ be sanitary for medical equipment!’

‘Incorrect,’ Misha answered as they exited the house and made for the van, ‘My van is extremely sanitary.’

At that he reached the van and unlocked the back doors, revealing a pristine inside, clean and polished and smelling of antiseptic.

Jensen gaped. ‘What – I don’t. The outside - ’

Misha clamoured into the van. ‘Predominantly paint-based decoration,’ he said.

Jensen blinked. ‘But _why_?’

Misha began to hand him a few things, and vaguely said something about “camouflage”, “a deterrent” and “Feng shui based energies deriving themselves from metal and the correspondence to human deterioration.” Jensen wasn’t sure that the last part made sense and started to wonder at Kim’s sanity at hiring this man as a doctor for Jared.

But he followed nonetheless, lugging a heavy medical bag whilst Misha it seemed was carrying only a small case and a long slim, silver pole, and Jensen thought he got the raw end of the deal somewhere here. Then they were in the room and depositing Misha’s equipment and the doctor was turning with a shooing motion of his hand.

‘Out, all of you, out,’ he ordered. ‘I need to inspect the patient.’

Gen made an indignant noise. ‘What – ’

‘Miss Cortese,’ Misha interrupted, ‘as small as you are, you _will_ still get in my way. And stop glaring, you know I am immune to your death stare. Kim,’ and the older woman jumped at being suddenly addressed, ‘I need to know, any use of Mr Padalecki’s unique abilities of late?’

Jensen started at the mention of the psychic powers, eyes widening a little.

Kim nodded. ‘We think not last night but the night before,’ she said, ‘a jukebox exploded.’

Misha made a noise. ‘I _told_ him – ’ he started, then shook himself. ‘Thank you, Kim. Now – out, out, out!’

And then they all found themselves all but pushed out and the door very firmly shut behind them. Gen wasted no time in stepping to one side of the door and promptly dropping to the floor, sitting cross-legged with her back against the wall.

Kim looked down at her. ‘Gen’ she said gently.

‘Not moving,’ the girl cut across stubbornly. ‘Not until I know he’s ok.’

Jensen, meanwhile, silently backed away, because he didn’t really feel like facing any of the inevitable wrath from Gen or disappointment from Kim, still feeling raw and open from the fear and panic of Jared being missing and of finding him hurt and sick. He made for the back door, slipped onto the back porch and wandered to a seat there, sitting down hard, putting his head to his hands and breathing in deeply, slowly.

His reprieve however, it seemed was only momentary, because within minutes he heard the back door open and shut and footsteps. He lifted his head and his stomach twisted as he saw Kim walking towards him. He wanted to tell her to give him a moment, to let him breath just a tiny bit before she laid into him, before she sent him away, and was appalled to feel burning in his eyes.

Then he noticed the bottle of whisky in one hand, and two glasses in the other. Kim sat down on the chair adjacent to him and placed the whisky and the glasses down, then poured a decent shot into both. She slid one glass to him, and settled back into her chair as she sipped her own. Jensen gazed at it a moment, confused, before gingerly reaching out to take it.

‘It’s not poisoned, is it?’ he tried to joke weakly, an echo of their discussion all those weeks ago.

Kim didn’t smile this time. ‘No, kiddo,’ she said, ‘just thought you might need it.’

Jensen nodded and then took a huge gulp, relishing the burn in his throat, the heat in his chest as it went down. There was a silence.

‘I’m not going to kick you out,’ Kim said finally.

Jensen looked to her. ‘You’re not?’

Kim shook her head. ‘No. And I’m sorry I said it,’ she replied.

‘Don’t be,’ Jensen glared down at his glass, ‘I – I deserved it.’

Kim gave a sad sigh. ‘Oh, kiddo,’ she said. ‘Listen, I was wrong to say it, ok? I was stressed and afraid, and I took it out on you and I shouldn't have done. End of story. I haven’t given up on one of my kids and kicked ‘em out yet, and I don’t plan on starting with you.’

Jensen pulled a face. ‘Not really one of your “kids” though, am I?’

Kim cocked her head. ‘Let’s see – in danger, nowhere else safe to go, makes stupid decisions – _really stupid_ decisions – reckless, rash, lost… you kinda fit the bill, kid,’ she said. ‘And besides, _anyone_ under my roof is my kid. That’s just how it goes. That even goes for those bodyguards of yours. And... and I look after my kids, ok? I look after my kids.’

Jensen gave a soft watery laugh of relief, reaching up to rub at his eyes and finding them wet. There was a silence, longer this time, as they both drank.

Then Kim drew in a deep breath. ‘Jared’s parents died when he was young,’ she started, ‘he was about four years old. He doesn’t remember them much, maybe just hazy memories. It was a car accident – a drunk driver. Nothing too fantastical.’

Jensen froze. He swallowed. ‘What – ’

‘We should’ve told you,’ Kim continued. ‘Everything. We should’ve been upfront. I guess I just figured, when you first rocked up, that Jared avoided everyone else except Sandy and Gen, why would you be any different? So I didn’t see the point. Thought there’s no need to be telling everyone his business if they don’t need to know. But of course,’ she huffed a laugh, ‘you go and somehow turn that on it’s head and become his best friend. Goes to show – best laid plans of mice and men and all that. And I guess, at that point, I thought maybe… maybe he’d tell you everything himself. He already opened up so much to you as it was. And who knows? Maybe if this whole thing didn’t happen he might’ve told you sometime soon and things might’ve been different.’

‘I wouldn’t have been an asshole, you mean’ Jensen said blankly.

‘Mmm,’ Kim nodded her head, then reached to top up her glass, and Jensen’s. ‘Maybe. Guess we’ll never know.’

‘And after his parent’s died?’ Jensen said quietly, after a moment and a sip of the whisky. ‘Sandy. She told me some stuff. She said he went to live with relatives.’

‘His uncle,’ Kim confirmed, and her face pulled like she’d tasted something distasteful. ‘Yeah. Fucker.’

Jensen coughed a little in surprise.

‘Well, I mean,’ Kim shrugged, ‘the way Jared tells it, it wasn’t so bad for those first years. But that kid’s got a skewed perception of what’s good and bad, I can tell you that. His uncle was a drinker, quick to temper, pretty loose with the smacks and the kicks, even in those early years. Got a little worse the more Jared grew up, I think about age ten the bastard really started to lay into him. The kid's riddled with scars, badly patched up burns, cuts. But it was mental crap too. He'd tell him he was a burden, that he never wanted to be saddled with him, he was worthless. All those nice things. A piece of shit. The reason his parents were dead. A fucking freak.’

Jensen sucked in a breath, sharp and painful.

‘I think at twelve, Jared was cooking dinner, he accidentally knocked the pan over, spilled pasta and water everywhere. His uncle was off his head drunk, went ballistic. Started,’ Kim stopped, took a gulp of the whisky and swallowed slowly, ‘started… well, he got his belt off, starting laying into Jared with the buckle, on his back. It - he - fucking,’ Kim stutter stopped a moment, ‘it was _bad_. By the time he stopped. Back was fucking torn to shreds.’

And Jensen’s mind flashed to white scars on Jared’s back, visible beneath a ridden up t-shirt. He thought he might be sick.

‘Anyway, landed the kid in hospital and it pinged all sorts of radars – especially combined with the previous injuries his scans showed, broken bones and the like,’ Kim continued. ‘I… it was hard. Because the kid was terrified, wouldn’t speak or testify, too scared shitless of his uncle. Told them a lie, about how he got the injuries. So they had to send him home with the uncle again, nothing they could do. Then it’s a few weeks later and the guy gets drunk again, only this time… this time he comes into Jared’s bedroom at night when the kid is asleep, with something different in mind – ’

Jensen sucked in a breath. ‘ _No_ ,’ he managed to get out. ‘ _He_ –’

‘Don’t worry,’ Kim’s smile was a little bitter, ‘he didn’t. Because Jared woke up, freaked out, the uncle tried to... pin him... and...well you know, and – whatever desperation, whatever panic the kid was feeling, triggered his telekinesis hard-core, sent the uncle flying right out the room, right across the hallway, straight down the stairs. Broke his neck falling down. Dead by the time he hit the bottom.’

‘Jesus Christ’ Jensen breathed. He took a shaky, trembling gulp of whisky, barely registered the burn of it going down.

Kim nodded slowly. 'I think... there’s a lot of guilt. About his uncle. Blames himself a lot for the death. A lot of internalized self loathing and guilt over that.’

Jensen spluttered. ‘How – how – _that fucker tried to rape him!_ How could he _possibly_ even – ’

Kim toyed with her glass. ‘Well now. That’s where the Gibsons come in’ she said.

Then she reached out and filled up both their glasses right to the brim.

‘So after his uncle died, they tried to find any other relatives he could go to,’ Kim continued. ‘But no dice. So he got shafted into the foster system. And that’s where the Gibson family come in. I think the officials were probably ecstatic when the family decided to take Jared in; it’s not often that older kids get picked for adoption, you know? And the Gibson family – Chris Gibson and Clare Gibson, they were really respectable too. It was Reverend Gibson, actually. Doesn’t get more respectable than that. And Jared said they weren’t too bad in the beginning - but I guess anything must've felt like a step up for him at that point. They were just very religious – prayer and church and regular confession, respecting the Sabbath, following all the rules. He was in school for a bit, then they moved, a town about six hours from here and they home-schooled him, Clare was a retired school teacher. Then one day she’s teaching something to Jared and this huge clock they have hanging on the wall comes off it’s nail and drops – would’ve cracked her skull open like a piñata. Only it didn’t, of course, because Jared panicked, threw up his hand and stopped it.’

Jensen swallowed. His mind flashed to a frozen bookcase. ‘He saved her’ he said.

‘Yeah. Funny thing, they didn’t see it that way,’ Kim took a sip. ‘Clare freaked out, told the Reverend and he came to the conclusion that Jared was possessed by a demon.’

Jensen’s eyes widened.

_“It’s not in me… it’s not in me.”_

He gripped his glass tightly.

‘They locked him away in his room, told him he was dangerous to everyone around him and the Reverend started looking up exorcisms immediately. Wasted no time in going in there, tied Jared to bed and started up the chanting, the holy water, the whole shebang. Course, the kid was terrified. He was fourteen, tied up and the guy was screaming at him, in Latin, in English, and he was trying to tell them there wasn’t a demon in him, he wasn’t possessed and they weren’t having it. And… the thing is, when Jared freaks out… things happen. Light bulbs breaking, things being thrown around, his powers were going hectic. And the more they went hectic, the more the Reverend was convinced the demon was in him. It was like a vicious cycle. Punished for using the powers, and the punishments themselves causing the powers. They bought in other priests, looked up harsher exorcisms. All the while Jared’s in this room, not allowed to leave, manacled to the bed lest he hurt someone. They give him bread and water, the body of Christ, thinking it will help, and he’s always hungry. Then the priests – they try exorcisms to purge the demon out, telling him to cough and heave and basically making him vomit daily. By the time three months have passed, the kid is like a skeleton, he’s terrified, starving and even _he’s_ now half convinced there’s something evil in him. You know, he's starting to think, he already killed his uncle, right? Maybe there is something wrong, something shameful, something inherently bad in him.'

Kim gives a sad sigh. 'Then Clare dies.’

Jensen’s entire body was wired tighter than a coil, on edge, his own heart beat thunderous in his ears. He wasn't even sure if he was still breathing.

‘The Reverend loses it. It’s a heart attack – Clare wasn’t exactly young. But. But the Reverend is convinced it was Jared. Thinks the “demon” inside him did something. He goes crazy and tries to beat the “freak” out of Jared, tries to forcibly remove the demon.’

Jensen closed his eyes at that word again. Tried to fight the urge to throw up, to walk away from this story _because he didn't want to hear this, didn't want to hear anymore_.  

‘And, around this time,’ Kim said, ‘Gen and I have a fight.’

Jensen opened his eyes, blinked.

‘She’d been here a few years and something happened; she’d left the gate open, unintentionally of course, and some wild animals got in, gored the hell out of some sheep, killed a cow. I was upset, she was upset, we came to blows. She decided this was too hard, this farm life, she was better of on the streets and she upped and left. She hitched a ride with a few people and wound up in the same town as the Gibson’s. And Jared. She was low on money, and the Reverend’s house… it was pretty sizable. Fancy. So she staked it out, noted that only he ever came and went and figured only one person lived there. The next time the Reverend went out, she went into his house. Unfortunately for Gen, the whole religion thing meant the house was sparse with anything worth anything. They didn’t even have a television. Then she found a locked room upstairs. Locked room, she figured, meant something worth protecting. So she picked the lock and opened the door. And that’s where she finds a fourteen year old, severely malnourished kid, manacled to the bed, half dead, the room stinking up, he’s covered in bruises and barely conscious or lucid. So.  So she freaked the hell out, backed right out of that room, shut the door, locked it behind her and left.’

Jensen almost dropped the glass. ‘ _What_?’

Kim chuckled mirthlessly. ‘Yeah, not exactly what you expected me to say, huh?’ she said. ‘Given how Gen is now? And… I think that’s part of _why_ she is the way she is with Jared. Overprotective. Overbearing. Because of that moment when she turned and ran away. It’s like she’s trying to forever make up for it.’

Things were slotting into place for Jensen, making more and more sense, and he began to feel the faintest flickering of understanding for Gen. An understanding of a young girl faced with a horrific sight, something she couldn't comprehend, panicking, freaking out and - and he couldn't blame her for running when she did. Hell, he had no _right_ to blame her. Not when he'd all but done the same thing. And he wondered if his own actions, mirroring Gen's, were what made her lash out so intensely, unable to bear the similarities.

‘Of course, she went back,’ Kim carried on, and she was refilling glasses that Jensen hadn’t even realized they’d already drunk dry. ‘After a week, she called me up and said she’d found another kid for me. She babbled what she’d seen, and I tried to calm her down, tell her to get the police involved. But well, police and Gen don’t get along altogether that well. And it’s hard to tell Gen what to do anyway. So she just tells me to find somewhere closer than the farm to house a kid and get a doctor ready. Then she hung up, waited for the Reverend to leave, hotwired a car and broke into his house to get Jared back.’

Kim stopped and gave a little sad sigh, blinking a few times. ‘I think… she beats herself up, about the walking away thing, mostly because… because it gave the Reverend that extra week. That _one_ week with Jared. And that’s when… when he decided to give exorcising that demon one more go. Got a whole bunch of symbols – the cross, a Staurogram, Chi-Ro, the like. And then he got a knife, blessed it with holy water and carved them right into Jared’s chest. And once he was done, he left the room, left a fourteen year old kid bleeding out on a dirty bed. And that’s how Gen found him.'

'Fuck,' Jensen breathed out, and rubbed at his face furiously, felt rage, hot, white, flare in his gut for this man, this deranged human being, and visions of a younger Jared, innocent and terrified danced in his eyes. 'Fucking. That _fucker_. I can't - '

He struggled a moment, and Kim seemed to understand.

'I met them both at a house I rented out, bout hallway between here and the Gibson’s,' she carried on. 'Had one of my doctor friends with me – still got a few, uh, friends, I guess? From the FBI. Connections. He was a nice man. Freaked the hell out of him when Gen came screeching up with this malnourished kid, swaddled in bloodied makeshift bandages. But I’ll give him his due, he handled it well. _Until_ the point where he was trying to set up antibiotics, Jared woke up, freaked out and threw him across the room with his brain.’

Kim chuckled a bit. ‘He was out of there so fast it made my head spin. And Gen and I realized we had something a little _more_ on our hands than just a sick kid. So, I contacted Jim.’

‘Jim as in Jim Beaver?’ Jensen said.

Kim nodded. ‘I just figured,’ and she chuckled again, ‘I mean everyone’s seen X-Files right? I just figured he might know of some… X-File division? Who deal with things that are a bit weird? He was at a bit of a loss at first. Well, actually, at first he told me to stop messing around and hung up. But, once I called back and yelled at him a bit more, he said that all he could really think to give me was a name of someone. A doctor called Misha Collins.’

She nodded her head in the direction of inside. Jensen took a sip, thought for a moment.

‘Did Misha… did he say if he’d seen this before? If… if there were others like Jared?’ Jensen ventured.

Kim smiled. ‘I realise you’ve only met him a few minutes, but he’s not… the most straightforward of people,’ she answered. ‘I think when I asked him, he replied with something along the lines of “anything and everything and nothing are all impossible and possible simultaneously.”’

Jensen stared. ‘That’s not even an answer’ he said.

Kim laughed. ‘Exactly,’ she tilted her glass to him, and then her smile faded and she sobered once more. ‘Anyway. Misha arrived, but it took him two days though. And… an infection had set in, with the cuts, and not being able to properly treat them. It was… it was a struggle. Jared was out of his mind, delirious and terrified, his telekinesis was haywire and honestly… honestly, Jensen, I was almost one hundred percent sure he was going to die.'

Jensen swallowed at the statement and felt his stomach twist, his heart skip a beat.

'There was just no way… it all seemed too impossible to help him, and he was too weak, too sick...' Kim trailed off a moment, and her gaze looked a little haunted, before she gave a tiny shake and continued. 'But then Misha came and… and I guess, well, I guess maybe there _are_ others because he knew what to do, how to treat Jared. I mean, largely a lot of sedatives to keep the powers down,’ she admitted, ‘but still. It turned things around. Jared got better, stronger. Physically, though. Mentally… mentally he was terrified, of everyone. Even himself. He wouldn’t talk at all. Barely ate unless we really pushed it. I kind of… I started to think that we might lose him again, you know? But this time to his own mind.  I held off as long as I could going back to the farm, to try and give him time to adjust. But eventually after a few months we – me, Gen, Jared – came back here. Misha left us his number and told us he’d be staying nearby, but said there wasn’t much more he could do for Jared at this point in time. When we got back, there were a few people here, some former charges of mine and… Jared freaked out, but not crazy mind powers, just shut down, retreated even further into himself. And that’s when I decided, officially, that I was done taking in people, you know? Decided, for this kid, that I’d stop. In an effort to save him. It’s funny how he has that affect on people, you know? The overwhelming urge to… protect.’

Jensen could only nod his head silently in wholehearted agreement.  

‘Anyway, the rest you can gather. It took a while – months – before we drew Jared out, until he would talk, would interact, and even longer before we got the full story, little by little, of everything that happened. I tried… with the powers thing. I tried to, you know, maybe encourage him a little to… try to use them. Maybe learn some control? Misha had even said he had some things that could help. But mostly, Jared just wanted to ignore them, forget about them. And I didn’t want to push, you know? God knows the kid had been through enough.’

Kim drained the last of her own glass and set it on the table. There was a beat.

‘So now you know, the whole story. Everything I know anyway’ she said softly. ‘No more secrets, no more hiding.’

Jensen nodded mutely, slowly put his glass down, then lowered his head into his hands. ‘ _Jesus Christ_ ' was all that came out.

‘Yeah, ‘sa bit like that’ Kim said.

Jensen’s stomach swirled and suddenly all that whisky didn’t seem like a good idea. ‘God, Kim, _the stuff I said to him_ , God, I can’t ever – _I can never_ – ’

Kim just gazed at him sympathetically but before either of them could say more, the back door opened again and they both glanced up to see Misha approaching.

‘Jared?’ Jensen asked instantly.

‘Will be fine,’ Misha answered. ‘A concussion and a sprained wrist, some bruises and bumps, and very low body temperature, but nothing too serious. I suspect the prolonged unconsciousness was down to the strain of his abilities. Particularly large bursts like that will affect him. As I did explain to Mr. Padalecki before when I tried to offer him techniques to control that.’

He gave Kim a pointed look and she spread her hands wide.

‘Hey, look, I tried to convince him but he doesn’t want a bar of those powers, you know that’ she said.

Misha sighed a bit.

Jensen, however, wasn’t satisfied. ‘Shouldn’t – shouldn’t you do a scan? An MRI or something? He has a _head wound_ for Christ’s sake.’

Blue eyes turned to him. ‘I can assure you I have assessed the situation thoroughly and Jared will be fine,’ he said. ‘Previous suggestions of MRI scans have led to… disagreements. I think Mr. Padalecki believes a scan of his brain will reveal something… untoward. Despite my assurances to the contrary.’

‘Right,’ Jensen deflated a little. ‘Right, ok.’

‘You should probably also get some rest,’ Misha continued, sweeping his eyes over him. ‘And possibly change. Are you aware you have vomitus on your jeans? Or is that some sort of statement against the patriarchy?’

‘Against the…’ Jensen rubbed his face, decided to let that go, and shook his head. ‘No, I just. You know what? You’re right, I should… I should get some sleep.’

He got to his feet and blinked as the world swayed a little, the effects of the whisky hitting him more now that he was elevated. He started to walk and Kim reached out, snagging his sleeve.

‘Jensen,’ she said, ‘listen, I know you want to make amends, say you’re sorry, but just… give it a bit, ok? Let things settle, let Jared get better. Give it a week or something. At least.’

Jensen tugged free. ‘Yeah, of course, Kim,’ he said, with a half smile.

And he was fairly sure he even convinced her that he meant it. He headed for the door, paused and turned back, hesitating a moment.

'Kim,' he said.

Kim looked at him expectantly.

Jensen took a breath. 'The Reverend?' he said. 'Do you know what happened to him?'

Kim smiled and reached to pour herself another whisky. 'Dead' she said matter-of-factly.

'Good' slipped out of Jensen's mouth before he could stop it. Then he stood for a moment.

'How... did he die?' he asked carefully.

Kim shrugged. 'A tragic accident,' she said. 'The whole house went up in flames. All traces gone. Poof. Funny how these things happen.' 

Then she took a sip and settled on her chair. Jensen stared at her a moment.

_I look after my kids._

He nodded his head slowly, and smiled a little. 'Good night Kim' he said softly, before turning and heading inside.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this one took so long! Vancon sucked up more of my time than I anticipated! (Side note: it was amazing though, and if you ever get the chance, 100% recommend y'all go! I'm on a J2 induced high right now ahhh)  
> Luckily (I guess haha) for everyone my flight home got messed up and I had to spend a night at an airport, which gave me plenty of time to get this chapter finished!  
> And, on that note, I'll be back home by the end of today, so we'll go back to regular updates - which is exciting because the story is nearing the end & hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer before it's all done & posted! :)  
> Thanks everyone for your patience over this past week :)

It was another two days before Jensen managed to actually see Jared.

Because Jared, being Jared, couldn’t do things by halves, the combination of being stuck out in the cold for so long and his weakened state meant he caught himself an impressive bout of the flu – Jensen could hear the harsh, hacking coughs even from his room, unable to stop himself wincing every time he heard them, fighting the urge to run down the hall and check in on the younger man. He doubt he would’ve gotten past Jared’s newfound guard-dog – Genevieve.

They hadn’t yet moved the younger man back to the cottage – most likely because it was easier for Misha to tend to him, and probably also because it was easier for Gen to hover like the overprotective force that she was. Jensen couldn’t blame her – especially not after hearing a little more about her past with the younger man – and he knew the whole “Jared missing for about 42 hours thing” had terrified her as much as it had him. She seemed determined not to let the younger man out of her sight; had even taken to falling asleep on the chair in his room, despite Kim’s affectionate eye-rolling and gentle prodding to take it easy or else she’d make herself sick as well.

It was sweet, it was understandable, it was everything Jensen would've expected Gen to do - and it was _damn frustrating_. Because he was desperate, _desperate_ to see Jared, to apologise, to talk, and he knew that there was no way in hell that she would let him get anywhere near the younger man, was liable to come at him with a _machete_ if he so much as dared come close. It was eating him up inside. He couldn't stand being so close, but not being able to see the younger man, to verify he really was ok, because the image of the cold, still figure sprawled in the mud wouldn't leave his mind. It didn't help either that he had new fodder for his nightmares - images of skin cut open and bleeding, backs flayed to bits by belt buckles.

He was terrified that maybe Jared didn’t even _know_ he was trying to see him, trying to find a way to apologise and he hoped fervently that someone had at least told the younger man that he was Jensen who found him, who bought him back to the farm. He was half tempted to say “fuck it” and just go ahead and force his way in to see the younger man, even if he was pretty sure that Gen could take him down without breaking a sweat.

He wondered if Kim could sense his agony, his desperation rolling off him in waves, because after two days, suddenly Gen wasn’t around, was off on some errand, and Misha was (Jensen could see from his bedroom window) meditating under an umbrella in the back garden and he instantly took the chance and walked quickly to the closed door of the guest bedroom that Jared was staying in. He reached the door, lifted his hand to knock, and froze. Panic gripped him.

Because… what was he supposed to _say_? Supposed to _do_? How could he _possibly_ make things right between them? Would Jared forgive him? Would Jared want to talk to him? Hell, would Jared even want to _listen_ to him? He was suddenly tempted to leave, to back away and hide. A tiny voice whispered that the death threat fiasco would be over soon enough and then he could return to his old life and did it really matter if he fixed things? He could avoid this whole situation. It could be nothing but a memory.

_Jared_ could be nothing but a memory.

And he swallowed because he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to just return to his old life – he _liked_ this _new_ life. This life with Jared. And he _wanted_ to fix things, and even if he couldn’t, if he was never forgiven, he wanted to say that he had tried, he had tried _so hard_. Because Jared was worth it. Worth _everything_.

Resolve strengthened, without allowing himself anymore time to overthink it, Jensen lifted a hand and rapped his knuckles on the hardwood of the door.

‘Come in’ a raspy, sounding voice called out.

Jensen took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped in.

‘I thought you said Kim had – oh’ Jared stopped mid-sentence as Jensen came into view.

There was a silence. Jensen swallowed, his eyes swept over Jared, drinking in the sight. He looked pale, wearing an oversized hoodie and huddled into the depths, swathed in blankets, his nose red-tipped, lips a little chapped, his hair a greasy mess and dark circles under his eyes, a blossoming, stark bruise spanning his forehead, even a little obscured as it was by the white plaster that covered the cut Jensen knew to be underneath. He looked, in short, _terrible_ – sick and weak, but – _but_ , alive.

And that made him look the best damn thing Jensen had ever seen.

He fought the urge to race across the room and envelope the younger man in a tight hug.

‘I thought you were Gen’ Jared said finally, blinking.

‘Well… I’m not’ Jensen answered stupidly.

Jared bobbed his head, and looked anywhere but Jensen’s face, tugging at his sleeves a little. Jensen saw the peeking white bandage encasing the younger man’s sprained wrist. Silence stretched between them, tense and horrible and Jensen tried to think of what to say, what to do.

‘I – ’ he started, without any idea of what he was going to say. ‘I – how are you?’

And Jensen kind of wanted to slap himself in the face.

Jared gave a little snort, shot him a look from behind greasy bangs.

‘Right, right, sorry – stupid question,’ Jensen hurried to say. ‘I – sorry. I’m just. I’m just. Nervous. I guess.’

Jared ducked his head, muttered something.

‘I – sorry? What? I didn’t catch – ’ Jensen took half a step forward.

Jared stared at the bedspread. ‘I _said_ , I’m not going to _explode_ you or something,’ the bitterness of the younger man’s tone was exacerbated by the raspy hoarseness the sickness had turned his voice into, 'so you don’t have to be nervous.’

A flush of horror swept through Jensen. ‘What? I – no, _Jesus_ , Jared, that’s not what I – god, _no_ ,’ he rushed to say. ‘I’m just – just…’

He trailed off. Jared gave a little sigh and suddenly looked even tireder than before.

‘What do you want, Jensen?’ he said softly.

Jensen took a deep breath. ‘I – I wanted to say sorry – I’m _so sorry_ – you have _no idea_ , what I said, what I did, I – I was an asshole, I was _worse_ than that and I can’t _ever_ – I don’t even know where to begin – but I’m just _so_ sorry, Jared, _so fucking sorry_ ,’ he babbled, ‘I don’t know if you can ever – if you _should_ ever – forgive me but – but I just needed to tell you. How sorry I am.’

He lapsed into silence. Jared didn’t look at him.

‘I suppose Kim told you everything then’ he said finally.

Jensen blinked, because whatever he’d been expecting Jared to respond with, that wasn’t it.

‘I – yeah, I mean, yeah she did,’ he answered. ‘Don’t – don’t be mad at her, I… I’m glad she told me. I wish…’

He stopped. _I wish_ you’d _told me._

_I wish that had never happened to you._

Jared pulled a face. ‘Right, ok, so, look,’ his voice still had a bitter, flat edge to it, ‘all that stuff, it happened and it sucked or whatever, but I don’t need a pity apology, ok? So, you know, you’re off the hook for that.’

Jensen gaped. ‘A pity – a _pity_ apology?’ he stuttered out. ‘I – Christ, Jared, do you think I’m apologising just because I feel _sorry_ for you?’

Jared didn’t say anything.

Jensen felt a little flare of anger. ‘You – what – you think that if Kim _hadn’t_ have told me I’d never had said sorry? You think I’m _that_ much of an asshole? You think I’m –’

‘I’m going to be straight, Jensen, I don’t really know _what_ to think about you anymore’ Jared cut across sharply. 

Jensen stopped, deflating instantly.

'I _thought_ I knew you,' Jared continued, 'and then that night, the things you said, the things you _did.._.'

The emphasis on the word 'did' had Jensen wincing, a rush of memories come to him.

'You were at the bar that night - you saw -' he started to shake his head wildly, ' - whatever you thought you - I didn't sleep with her.'

'Oh,' Jared's voice dropped acidic sarcasm, 'how _very noble_ of you.'

Jensen's face flushed, he swallowed and took a step forward, tried not to cringe as he saw Jared shift indecipherably back on the bed. 'Listen, Jay -'

'Don't call me that' Jared interrupted tersely.

Jensen stutter-stopped. Hurt lanced through him. 'I...' something started to shrivel inside him, the fluttering of hope, the fluttering that things would be ok, flickering and dwindling, 'I'm sorry. I just. I am so sorry. That's all. That's all I can say.'

Jared swallowed, looked away. 'We should've told you, you're right about that' he said finally. His eyes started to blink rapidly. 'Then you could've avoided being with me right from the beginning.'

' _Jared_ -' the name felt agonising to say.

'You wanna know what my uncle said every hit of that belt buckle,' Jared's words tumbled out in a choked, raspy mess, ' _freak_ \- he said _freak_ - _fucking freak_ \- over and _over_ \- _screamed_ it at me - _fucking worthless freak_ \- over and over! I asked you - ' a little sob escaped Jared's lips, 'I asked you not to call me that - I  _begged_ you -'

The image of Jared was starting to swim and blur and Jensen realised tears were filling his eyes, hot and burning.

' - and the reverend - made me think - made me believe I wasn't human and I - I -' Jared's fists started to clench on the bed, tighten in the sheets, ' - it took _so long_ \- I worked so hard to believe it wasn't true - it _wasn't_ \- and you - _you_ made me feel - made me think - doubt - again -'

Even if Jensen could think of anything to say, anything he could possibly, _possibly_ say to make things right, his throat was too tight, the lump thick in it, blocking any words.

' - I don't think I can -' Jared shook his head, tears spilling down his cheeks. 'I don't think I can forgive - I don't even think I be around - '

Jensen made a half choked-off wounded noise and an aborted step forward. Before he could do anything or say anything however, the door burst open and a flurry bounced in.

'Look who Gen bought home! Here to make all your wildest... Oh' Sandy stopped mid sentence, looked bewildered, heading swinging between Jared making little choked off sobs and Jensen standing stock still in the middle of the room.

'I - ' Sandy bit her lip and moved instinctively towards Jared, casting a look at Jensen. 'What's -'

Jared started to cough between hiccupping sobs, breath getting caught, and made a pained sound, one hand going to his chest. Sandy was at his side in a second, and looked helplessly to Jensen.

'Maybe you should...' one hand was gesturing to the door.

Jensen instantly broke out of his frozen state, started to back to the door, wiping furiously at his wet face. 'I - I yeah - I was just leaving,' he said, grappling for the handle. 'I was just leaving.'

He was out into hallway in a second, feeling open, raw, hurt - feeling like his chest was ripped open - from Jared's rejection, Sandy's dismissal, from _everything_ and he stumbled down the hallway towards his room just as Gen appeared in the hallway. She stopped, narrowed her eyes at him.

'What were you -'

_'I said I'm leaving_!' Jensen exploded and Gen actually looked a little startled, even taking a step back. ' _Christ_ , ok?! Hear that everyone?! I'm _leaving him alone_! Fucking happy now?!'

He shoved past the shell-shocked girl, hurtled to his bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him.

 

**

 

Jensen started to call home everyday again.

If his mother and father wondered at why he'd changed so rapidly between so happy at the farm and never wanting to leave, to desperately asking them to hurry things up, they didn't mention or ask. Jensen was interminably grateful for that. 

Things at the house were tense, uncomfortable. Jensen avoided Jared. Jared avoided Jensen. Kim tried to keep a happy medium. Gen... Gen who Jensen had expected to be the worst, to send him hate filled glares, to spit poisonous words at him... did nothing. She didn't actively avoid him, but didn't speak to him and Jensen wondered if his exploding at her made her a little more cautious in pushing him. He was glad in any case, of not having to deal with that, on top of everything else, on top of the aching hurt in his chest, the feeling of a physical clench on his heart, the guilt and unbearable urge to cry and yell and desperately turn back time, take back words, right wrongs.

Jensen was glad for Misha.

The odd doctor had stuck around, living in his 'rust decorated' van, despite Jared's steadily increasing health. The younger man was even back in his cottage, although not helping much in chores, still not at 100%, but in any case, not in need of immediate medical attention. So Jensen wasn't sure exactly _why_ Misha was still around, only that he was grateful he was. Misha didn't avoid or ignore him, and even if he frequently didn't make sense and apparently liked doing nude Tai Chi in the morning (a rather shocking discovery Jensen made one morning when he went outside into the garden for a wander and to watch the sun rise), he still talked to Jensen and told interesting (and Jensen wondered if they were also exaggerated) stories.

A week and a bit passed and Jensen was sitting in the front of the farm, beneath a gnarled old tree, the late afternoon cooling around him. The rain had let up and Jensen was extremely happy for the chance to escape the confines of the house and be outside were he could breathe, could escape some of the stifling tension. There was the sound of footsteps and he glanced to see Sandy approaching. She stopped a few paces from him and squinted a little.

'Is he... is he hanging upside down?' she asked.

Jensen turned his head a little. Misha had attached some sort of ankle straps to a tree branch and was indeed hanging upside down from his ankles, arms folded across his chest, eyes closed.

He looked back to Sandy and shrugged. 'He says the blood flow to his brain helps increase his thinking power' he explained.

'Uh-huh' Sandy said sceptically. 

Jensen raised an eyebrow at her, feeling a little wary. He hadn't seen Sandy since the day she'd shooed him from Jared's room and he knew that she was more Jared's friend than his, so he couldn't help but feel a little tense, defences rising. Sandy seemed to notice because she held up both hands.

'I come in peace,' she said. 'I am Switzerland.'

'Switzerland?' Jensen blinked.

'Neutral,' Sandy explained as she settled down beside him. 

There was a beat of silence before the small brunette spoke.

'So... the whole farm kinda sucks at the moment' she said.

Jensen huffed a laugh. 'You're telling me' he muttered.

Sandy ran a hand through her hair. 'Like, between you and Jared not speaking, and Gen not speaking, and Kim being a weird mediator and general tension and I honestly feel like I'm going to walk into that farm and collapse from... unresolvedness.'

'That's not a word' Jensen smiled in spite of himself.

'Everything is a word somewhere in the multitudes of universes' Misha piped up.

They both paused to look at him to see if he would elaborate, but the doctor continued to... hang there, not speaking.

'Blood flow to his brain, you said?' Sandy murmured, even more sceptically this time. Then she gave herself a shake and looked to Jensen.  'Anyway, so, like I said - farm sucks, everything is tense and we need to fix it.'

Jensen's smile faded and he gave a snort. 'Because it's that easy' he muttered.

Sandy gave him a shove. ' _Yes_ , because it's that easy,' she crowed. 'So you and Jared had some sort of fight, big whoop. People fight all the time.'

Jensen looked away. 'You don't know the things I said, Sand' he said softly.

Sandy looked sympathetic. 'Everyone says horrible things when they're mad,' she said. 'When my parents were getting divorced, and my Mom was going to drag me to this tiny town I chucked a fit! I screamed all sorts of horrible things at her, that I hated her, that she was the worst mom in the universe, even _ran away_. Well. Like, down the street to the park. But still. She found me and forgave me because that's what the people we love and care about do.'

The word 'love' made something twist painfully in Jensen's chest; that unnamed feeling he dared not to examine too closely, the feeling that exacerbated the ache and longing for Jared. Sandy's story was sweet; he knew she was trying to help, but the thing was that she didn't know about Jared's physic powers, or the true horrors of his past, and the impact Jensen's words had, the wounds they inflicted.

He rubbed at his face, pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes hard. 'Sandy -' he began.

'No look, listen to me,' Sandy said, 'you guys were _happy_. You were. You were like, a fit. Like two pieces of a puzzle. And you're both _miserable_ apart from each other - it's just stupid to draw this out!'

'I was an asshole, Sandy' Jensen told her.

Sandy threw up both her hands. 'Pft, _everyone_ in this farm is an asshole. It's like. An asshole farm. You're in good company!' Then she leant towards him. 'I'm going to talk to him,' she stated confidently, then quickly added,  'don't worry, I'll do it subtly.'

Jensen worried instantly, because Sandy was the least subtle person he knew. 

'I'll bring him round, Jensen, you'll see,' Sandy continued, 'we'll fix this whole problem! You and Jared will be back to being grossly adorable in no time!'

She beamed ear to ear and Jensen tried to smile back.

'"No time" is time in general,' Misha piped up, 'because time is a construct. And fluid.'

Sandy squinted at him, arched and eyebrow and Jensen let the smile fall now she was no longer looking at him, dropping his gaze to his lap. He didn't know which he'd rather at that moment: Sandy's confidence that everything would be ok, or Misha's total insanity.

 

**

 

After a few days, Jensen forgot about Sandy's grand plan to fix things. It was as much due to his firm belief that things _couldn'_ t be fixed as it was to do with his attempt to not think about anything Jared-related because it hurt too much.

Then one day as he was standing in the kitchen, Sandy came bursting into the room in a whirlwind of energy, clutching a bag to her chest and a box in the other hand.

'Jensen!' she was on him in seconds, thrusting the bag and the box at him. 'Thank god! I need you to give this to Jared - I haven't got time. Ok, cool, thanks, gotta go!'

Then she whirled to leave again. Jensen's brain scrambled to catch up and he managed to dump the stuff on the kitten bench and half catch her arm just before she vanished down the hallway.

'Wait - what? Sandy - surely you can just - it's literally a few minutes - '

Sandy wriggled and slipped her arm from his grip and danced out of reach. 'Nope, nope, nope!' she sing-songed. 'No time, you gotta do it.'

' _Sandy_!' Jensen all but shouted as the girl reached the door. 

She turned and gave him a plaintive look. 'Just trust me, ok?' she said.

'Sandy' Jensen sighed.

But the girl was already winking and ducking out the door. Jensen made a growling noise in frustration and ran a hand through his short hair. He went back to the kitchen and stared at the bag, which looked to be filled with DVDs and the box, which displayed the name of the local bakery in town. He debated a moment, tried to think of who was near to give the stuff to Jared, someone other than him who could do it.

But also, inside, the urge to see Jared bubbled, prickled and made him clench his fists.

_He doesn't want to see you_ , he told himself. _No matter how much_ you _want to see_ him _,_ he _doesn't want to see_ you.

The internal war raged inside him until, before he knew it, he was grabbing the bag and the box and leaving the kitchen, heading for the back door. He strode with purpose through the garden, right up until he reached Jared's door. 

Which was about the moment that all of his confidence took a sharp turn and completely left him.

He stood frozen at the door, holding the bag and the box and wondered at his own stupidity at charging over here like he had _any_ right, like he had _any right at all_ to even _see_ Jared, _talk_ to him, _be near_ him.

Hurriedly, he started to crouch to put the bag and the box on ground in front of the door carefully, hoping to leave it for Jared and hoping no rain spoiled it, and was still half on the ground when the front door swung open.

'Sandy, is that... you' Jared's voice trailed off.

Jensen cringed inwardly and looked up awkwardly from his position on the ground to see Jared looming over him, looking confused. He looked - and Jensen's heart lurched in his chest - _so_ much better than he had - still a bit peaky, a bit paler than Jensen would've liked him to be, but otherwise the bruise was fading to a tinge of green and shrinking beneath the white plaster, the circles beneath his eyes were gone and a fabric wrist support replaced the bandage. 

It took a moment before he realised that he was still on the ground, staring openly up at the younger man and his face flushed as he hurried to his feet. His own feet got tangled in themselves in his hurry to stand, and he stumbled, almost fell, only to be stopped by a firm grip. His face was bright red by the time he righted himself and Jared instantly released his arm.

'Thanks,' Jensen murmured, rubbing the back of his head. 'And, uh, hi.'

Jared glanced to the bag and box on the ground. 'What are you doing here?'

It wasn't an openly hostile question, but nor was it particularly welcoming and Jensen felt even more uncomfortable. He mentally cursed Sandy.

'It was - I - ' he stammered, and gestured vaguely. 'Sandy. She, uh, asked me to give these to you.'

'She couldn't do it herself?' Jared arched an eyebrow.

Jensen shrugged. 'She said she was in a hurry.'

Jared blew out a frustrated breath. 'Of course she did' he muttered.

He bent down to pick up the bag and the bakery box. Jensen hovered, wondering if he should leave, if that was his cue to be dismissed, when Jared, tucking the bag under one arm pit, used a hand to flip open the bakery box. Two big heart-shaped cookies sat in the middle of the box with the words "Forgive" and "Me" written on each one respectively.

Jensen's jaw dropped.  He was going to _kill_ Sandy.

'I _swear_ I had _no_ clue about that - god - I - she just -' he stammered.

Jared didn't say anything, just wordlessly closed the box, rearranged things and peered into the bag.

'"Love, Actually",' he started to read the titles out, '"The Notebook" and "Sleepless in Seattle." Seems to be a theme here.'

Jensen really was going to kill Sandy. He opened his mouth to say something.

'I'm going to kill Sandy' is what came out.

Jared hummed a little, and Jensen wasn't sure if it was in agreement or what it meant.

'I swear I didn't have anything to do with this' he said again, a little more desperately this time.

Jared finally looked at him with a sigh. 'It's fine, Jensen, I know,' he said. 'This has Sandy written all over it. I would've have known it was her even without all the hints and comments she's been making lately.'

Jensen winced a little. He knew Sandy wouldn't have been able to successfully pull off "subtle."

'I didn't - I didn't set her up to that either' he said. 

Jared nodded. 'I know.'

There was an awkward pause.

Jensen swallowed, rubbed a hand on the back of his head again. 'I should -' he gestured vaguely to the door. 'I should probably go...'

Jared let out a long sigh, ran a hand down his face and then dropped it to his side. 'Just come in, Jensen,' he said tiredly, turning with a flap of his hand and heading inside.

It wasn't exactly an encouraging invitation, or even much of an invitation at all, but Jensen would take it, because he'd take _any_ time spent with Jared, however minimal, and because he was curious as to what the younger man wanted. He followed Jared inside and into the kitchen, where the bag and the box had been discarded on the bench. He noted a number of meditation books piled on the table and Jared turned in time to catch where he was looking.

'Misha,' he supplied and shrugged. 'Seems to think all that "centring of self" and meditation stuff will help with the, y'know,' he gestured to his head.

'And has it?' Jensen asked.

Jared snorted. 'As if you really want to talk about my freaky powers.'

'Jared -' Jensen started.

'No, stop - I - I'm sorry, shouldn't've snapped,' Jared interrupted with a sigh, 'it's not why - I didn't invite you inside to argue more.'

Jensen wanted to say that it wasn't so much arguing on his behalf as it was _begging for forgiveness_ but he resisted the urge.

'Then why...?'

'Things at the farm have been bad,' Jared said bluntly. 'And I'm just. I'm tired of all the tension. I'm _tired_ , Jensen, and it's affecting everyone and making things horrible.'

Jensen fidgeted. 'I don't...' he moved his shoulders hopelessly. 'I don't know what you want me to say? To do?'

_Please don't ask me leave_ , he wanted to add, because as much as he'd been pestering his parents to see him return to his old home, having _Jared_ tell him, having _Jared_ be the one to kick him out... Jensen didn't know how he'd survive that. He swallowed past the lump forming in his throats and blinked hard.

But it didn't look like Jared was about to kick him out. The younger man looked just as lost as Jensen. It made his heart ache, his entire being longing to comfort, to hold, to be close.

'I don't know either,' Jared said, and ran a hand through his hair, sniffled a little. 'I just. I'm so. You _hurt_ me. You hurt me _a lot_ , Jensen.'

Jensen nodded. 'I know, and I'm so -'

'Sorry, I know,' Jared interrupted. 'And I _do_ know that you are. I _do_. I just... I don't think I can forgive you. I just don't.'

It sort of felt like the world fell out from underneath Jensen's feet. He felt like he was going to throw up, the words a physical punch to his stomach. It took all his willpower not to cry. He took a little stumbling step back, suddenly needing to be away, to not be near Jared, because he didn't want the younger man to see him when he fell apart.

'O-okay,' he managed to croak out, 'I'll just -'

'But I do - I want to move on,' Jared hurried to continue. 'If that makes sense.'

Jensen rubbed at his eyes. Shook his head. 'Honestly, no - I just - just tell me what to do, Jared?' his voice was pleading and he didn't have the strength or energy to care about it. 'Tell me, please. What can I do to make this right?'

Jared gazed at him. 'I don't think you can, Jensen,' he said softly. 'But I think... a truce? We can... a truce. We'll... be around each other. Be...'

'Civil?' Jensen said, and kind of wanted to laugh hysterically.

_Civil_ , like two people who hadn't been wrapped in each other so tightly for the past few months that it had almost been impossible to see where one started and one began.

 'Yeah, something like that,' Jared agreed. 'If we could do that?'

Jensen honestly would probably take anything, would take any part of Jared that the younger man would allow, no matter how much it would hurt to be only so close and no closer.

'Ok, Jared, we can do that' he said.

He tried to pretend the smile that Jared gave him, a hollow shadow of ones prior, dimples absent, didn't hurt.

 

**

 

Sandy seemed to think that 'truce' meant that Jared and Jensen were flying full throttle towards being how they had been before. She immediately leapt on the notion and set about organising movie nights and picnics and anything that basically forced interaction between Jensen and Jared. 

Jensen didn't have the heart to tell her that it actually hurt _more_ being around Jared and not being able to interact freely, being kept at arms length, all their communication polite and cordial, with none of the ease and camaraderie as even when they first met. He let her keep her fantasy that things would work out, that things could be salvaged from the mess he'd made of he and Jared's relationship. God knows he didn't believe it. 

Then after a week and a bit, it was Sandy's birthday.  She insisted that she wanted to have a big bonfire out in the field of the farm and then, as she put it, "get totally and absolutely and fully drunk" and told them all - Jensen, Jared, Kim, Danneel, Gen, Tahmoh, Misha and "even your cute bodyguards" - that they all had to come.

Jensen wondered if - had his and Jared's relationships not been in tatters - if she would've have done something else, a party or a club, if she was just using her birthday as another reason to push the two of them close together once more. 

Kim couldn't begrudge the tiny brunette's desire and when the night came round, Jensen helped Tahmoh, Rob and Rich carefully construct a controlled bonfire that was roaring by the time the sunset and night fell. Jensen stuck to his self imposed limit to restrict his alcohol consumption -  memories of the last time he'd drunk and how that night had gone still too near, too fresh. Sandy was, however, in a word, _wasted_ , and -because no matter what happened, Jensen's eyes always went to him - Jensen noticed Jared was drinking more than he'd ever seen before and was as drunk as the birthday girl herself. Misha only stayed briefly, drinking a single beer before stating that alcohol "interfered with his conscious link to the unconscious world" and then wandered off not in the direction of his van, but somewhere in the direction of the field, and Jensen briefly wondered exactly what he was off to do, before conceding it was probably better he didn't know.

Gen and Danneel retired around midnight, after nursing one or two beers each, and Kim shortly after slung her arm around Rob as she swigged the last of her current beer.

'Right, this old biddy is heading to bed as well,' she announced, and prodded Rob in the chest with her free hand. 'And this handsome compact sized man is going to walk me back.'

Rob looked a little terrified at the prospect, and Kim being 'walked back' turned a little more into her forcefully steering the bodyguard using an iron grip towards the house with a wink and a lecherous leer back at the others as they departed. Sandy thought it was hysterical and promptly laughed so hard she toppled off her chair. Which was also hilarious to her.

'Oooppssss' she drew the word out.

She flung her hands up and flailed at Jared, who was in the seat next to her.

'Help me Obi-Wan-Kenobi!' she shouted nonsensically. 'You're my only hoppeeee!'

Jared laughed and grabbed her hands to help her up, lost his own balance and tumbled down on top of her. Both of them dissolved into a fit of giggles.

Rich nudged Jensen. 'Methinks it may be time to put the young ones to bed' he commented.

Tahmoh's eyes danced with amusement from where he stood on the other side of Jensen. 'Dibs not me,' he said quickly. 'You guys can deal with the drunkies.' 

'And what excuses you from drunk-handling responsibilities?' Jensen challenged, poking him.

Tahmoh spread his arms out disarmingly. 'Hey someone's gotta watch the fire' he said.

He had a point, and neither Jensen nor Rich were able to argue. Rich walked to the giggling Jared and Sandy, still heaped together on the ground. 

'All right, kiddiwinks,' Rich announced, clapping his hands, 'time for us to tuck you into bed.'

Sandy pushed at Jared until he rolled off with a giggle and then attempted a leer up at Rich.

'You c'n tuck me... into... anywhere' she tried.

'Uh huh' Rich nodded. 'Well as appealing at that notion is, missie, I think sleep is the best option for you two.'

Jared suddenly gave a yawn and stretched on the ground, closing his eyes. 'Here? Here'sh good.'

'Uh uh,' Tahmoh had wandered over and nudged Jared with his foot. 'Pretty sure you've had enough sleeping outdoors of late, kiddo.'

'Oh yeah,' Jared's eyes sprung open and he laughed, 'I totally did th'other week an' then I hit my hit! I mean m'head. Head m'hit.'

Sandy scrambled to her feet, teetering to one side a little as she did before she regained her balance. She grabbed out and caught Rich's arms.

'Excush me, sir,' she announced, 'I'd like you t'walk me t''my homeshtead.'

Then she tried to wink at Jensen over her shoulder and just ended up blinking both eyes rather aggressively.  'Y'can walk Jar'd home' she grinned.

Jensen looked at Jared on the ground, the younger man's eyes unfocused and glassy with alcohol, wandering lazily across the sky. 

'I don't think - ' he started.

'It's a'cided then!' Sandy announced loudly and clapped her hands, then started to totter drunkenly towards the house, one hand gripping Rich's sleeve and tugging at him insistently. Rich tossed Jensen a helpless look, a "what can you do?" shrug, before hurrying to follow and steady her as she went.

Tahmoh looked to Jensen. 'I can walk Jared back if you really don't want to,' he said quietly. 'And you can stay here and watch the fire?'

Jensen shook his head quickly.  'No I got this,' he said, then looked to Tahmoh with a wry smile. 'Unless you're worried I'll take advantage or something?'

Tahmoh laughed and shook his head. 'Kid, whatever happened between you and Jared, I know you aren't like that.'

Jensen nodded his appreciation and then walked to Jared, who was now clutching at his seat in an attempt to lever himself up from the ground. 

'Hey Sasquatch,' he said. 'Want some help?'

Jared blinked up at him. He smiled, dimples appeared and Jensen's stomach flipped.

'Yes pl's' Jared said, extending both hands up.

Jensen grasped the younger man's warm hands and, through tugging and pulling, they managed to get Jared upright, the younger man immediately stumbling a little forwards and banging into Jensen. Jensen felt his breath catch at having Jared pressed against him, closer than he'd been in so long, his own arms instinctively coming out grasp at the younger man's slim waist, steadying him.

'Easy, Jay' the nickname slipped out without his thinking.

Jared didn't seem to mind, and his head suddenly flopped forward and promptly burrowed into the crook of Jensen's neck. Jensen sucked in a breath and felt his gut clench. Jared nuzzled a little.

'Mmm, y'smell good' the younger man murmured.

His lips and breath brushed over Jensen's neck lightly as he spoke and Jensen had to bite back an involuntary moan, his legs momentarily going weak. Then he noticed Tahmoh look over speculatively, arching an eyebrow and swallowed hard, gently and firmly manoeuvring Jared back and starting to steer him away from the fire.

He was drunk, he told himself firmly, Jared was drunk, and vulnerable and Jensen wouldn't take advantage of that. 

Jared was unsteady as they walked back through the field, his steps veering and stumbling and Jensen told himself that was his excuse for keeping one hand securely around the younger man's waist as they went. He was just helping. It was nothing to do with relishing the closeness, the long line of heat at his side that was Jared.

They made it to the garden without speaking, Jared seemingly intently focused on keeping upright rather than conversing, but once they reached the garden, he suddenly tugged free of Jensen's grip and lurched to one side. Jensen thought for a moment he was about to be sick, but instead, the younger man tripped and fell to his knees next to one of the rose bushes, giggling, casting a drunken grin over his shoulder at Jensen.

''S one of my fav'rite pl'nts, Jen!' he announced. 'Plant'd m'self!'

Jensen smiled a little as he walked over. 'It's a very nice plant, Jay' he said, allowing himself the nickname, in this moment, while he was able to.

'Mmmm...' Jared hummed and focused on the nearest rose, in full bloom.

Jensen looked at it and couldn't help a soft gasp as one by one the petals pulled loose and drifted lazily upwards in a perfect line, before looping around themselves, all entirely unnaturally. Instantly he grabbed Jared's shoulder.

'Jay - ' he started.

The petals dropped instantly.

Jared's face fell. 'S'rry,' he muttered, ducked his head. 'Forg't you don't like it -'

Jensen dropped to his knees down next to him. 'What? It's not - that wasn't why - it hurts you, doesn't it?'

As he was talking he grabbed a hold of Jared's face, tugged it to face him, eyes frantically searching for signs of blood or pain on the younger man's face. There was no traces of blood or pain and Jared looked a little quizzical. Jensen dropped both his hands and let out a little sigh of relief.

'Usually... usually it hurts you' he said. 'I was just... I was worried.' 

A little bit of understanding showed even in Jared's alcohol-hazy eyes.  'S'gettin' better,' he slurred, then added, 'Misha.'

Jensen nodded. 'That's good... that's really good, Jay.'

There was a beat and he suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that he and Jared were kneeling side by side, faces close, bodies angled towards each other. He swallowed and then cleared his throat.

'We should...' he started.

'S'annoyin',' Jared interrupted softly, and reached a hand to brush over Jensen's cheek.

A tingle raced through Jensen's body at the touch. His mouth felt a little dry.

'I'm... I'm still s'mad at you,' Jared continued, and clenched his jaw, 'so mad, Jen.'

Jensen licked his lips. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered. 'I mean it, Jared, I'm so sorry.'

Jared nodded his head. His touched Jensen's cheek again, left his hand there this time.

'I know,' he muttered. 'I know. But I wanna be mad f'rever. Ever'n'ever. But I miss you, Jen. I miss you.'

Something swooped in Jensen's stomach, and the clench that had existed on his heart since Jared had told him he could never forgive him lessened just the tiniest bit hearing those words.

'I miss you too, Jay' he said softly.

'Miss you' Jared repeated again.

Then he swayed forward, unsteadily, and before Jensen knew it, Jared's lips were on his, soft and tentative and everything he'd been missing, been craving since the fight. Instantly he was reaching up, cupping the back of Jared's head, letting his fingers slide into the soft curls, melting into the kiss. Their mouths parted, and at the first slide of Jared's tongue across his, Jensen couldn't help a soft moan escaping. He let himself have this, have Jared just for a moment, to taste, to touch, to devour - before he forced himself, all his muscles screaming at him to keep going, keep kissing, to gently drop his hands to Jared's slim waist and firmly move the younger man back, breaking the kiss.

Jared made an unhappy noise, opening his eyes and blinking blearily and confusedly. 'Jen, what...' 

Before he could get the wrong idea, jump to the wrong conclusion, Jensen lifted a hand to cup the side of Jared's face, softly stroking his cheek with one thumb.

'I want this,' he said, 'I really do. God _so_ much, you have no idea, Jay. I miss you _so_ goddamn much. But... but,' he took a deep breath, 'but you're drunk, sweetheart, and I can't... I can't be sure... I just, I need you to want this when you're thinking straight. I need you to be sure. I can't... I can't do it like this, Jared.'

He expected Jared to argue, to say he was fine and not drunk, to get upset, but to his surprise the younger man simply stared at him a moment, with as much scrutiny as the alcohol would allow, then slowly, thoughtfully nodded. Jensen didn't know if he was relieved or worried.

He started to rise, tugging and helping Jared to his feet. 'C'mon, sweetheart, let's get you to bed' he said.

Neither of them said anything as they continued through the garden to the cottage, and Jensen let them both in and led Jared to his bedroom, deposited him in the bed, pulling covers over his long form. He paused a moment, hovering.

'I'll come by tomorrow...' he said into the darkness. 'And if you... if you still want this tomorrow... god, I'll spend every second of my time making it up to you, I will. So... if you wake up and you still want to kiss me. Then,' he floundered, then huffed a little, 'then kiss me. I guess. I... just. I'll see you tomorrow, Jay.'

Jared said nothing and Jensen took it as his cue to leave. He left a glass of water on the bedside table, whispered a soft "goodnight" and then quietly exited the cottage and headed back to the main house. 

 

**

 

'Jensen,' Sandy wailed dramatically, 'Jensen, I'm dying.'

Jensen raised an eyebrow at the tiny brunette as he entered the kitchen the next morning. She was slumped over the kitchen table, her hair a mess, a little bit of mascara smeared underneath her eyes, a look of intense misery in her eyes.

He chuckled a little.  'A bit hungover are we?' he said as he headed for the kettle to make himself some coffee. He really did miss Jared's coffee machine.

'Ssshhhhh!' Sandy flapped a hand, even though Jensen had only spoken at a normal level. 'I'm not hungover. I'm dying. _Dying_. You have to put me out of my misery. You have to kill me. _Pleaseeee_.'

Jensen rolled his eyes. 'I'm not killing you Sandy.'

'You don't love me,' Sandy shot back mournfully. 'You're a cruel heartless bastard.'

'Who's a cruel heartless bastard?' Kim asked cheerfully as she entered the kitchen, looking fresh faced and bringing with her the scent of bacon and grease, several brown paper bags clutched in her hands. Sandy sat up quickly, regretted the motion and clutched at her head with one hand whilst gesturing wildly with the other.

'S'at for me? Did you bring me grease?'

Kim put the bags on the table. 'Well, technically its for _everyone_ ,' she chuckled, 'but yes, missie, I did bring you grease.'

Sandy grabbed at the nearest bag, dragging it over. 'Oh my god, I love you so much, Kim,' she rambled, 'so much better than Jensen,' she shot him a glare, then returned to the food, dragging out what looked like a bacon and egg sandwich. 'Oh Kim. You rock. Let me have your babies.'

Kim laughed. 'I think I'll pass on that Sand,' she gave the girl a pat on the back and looked to Jensen. 'You want some?'

Jensen didn't reply straight away, looking at the paper bags. An idea swirled in his head. Because he hadn't forgotten - Christ, he hadn't even stopped thinking about really - last night.

Jared.

Saying he missed him. Kissing him.

He'd spent most of the night awake, his stomach in knots, questioning himself, questioning everything. Would the cold light of day, of sobriety change Jared's mind? Would Jared want to take back the kiss? Take back saying he missed him? Was this going to be the restart or the final end of them? A part of him wanted to put it off, to avoid Jared, because he didn't want to know, was too terrified of being rejected, of having those reignited flickers of hope quashed. He could just live on the kiss and the knowledge that Jared missed him and never have to know any more. But he couldn't do that. Not when there was the tiniest bit of hope. Not when there was the possibility that he could have Jared back, could have _them_ back.

He reached out and grabbed a bag. 'I'll, uh, take one to Jared' he said.

He risked a look at Kim to see her reaction. Her face betrayed nothing.

'Good idea,' she said neutrally. 'That kid was pretty drunk last night too.'

Jensen nodded as he backed out of the room. Sandy seemed too preoccupied with moaning over her greasy sandwich to notice the exchange and Jensen was somewhat grateful. Having another person's hoped pinned on this exchange wouldn't do any good. The air was crisp and cold outside, but Jensen barely noticed, despite the fact that he was barefoot, too tense, too nervous. His heart was thundering in his ears. His mouth was dry. His stomach was a pile of twisted knots. He felt vaguely ill, nauseous with nerves.  

What if Jared didn't even remember? What if he rocked up and looked like a fool? 

By the time he reached the front door, he was practically shaking all over. He took a moment, tried to compose himself, wrote that off as a lost cause, and knocked on the door.  The time it took for footsteps to sound, for signs of Jared approaching, to be heard seemed like years. Every second grated on Jensen's nerves. He almost contemplated dropping the bag and running.

Then the door opened and Jared stood there. Rumpled and sleep-warm, in a hoodie and sweats, looking like everything Jensen ever wanted and more. 

There was a silence as they stared at each other.

Jensen lifted the bag. 'I bought grease' he said dumbly, unable to think of anything else to say.

Jared looked to the bag of food. Then he reached out and took it from Jensen's hand. He didn't say anything. His face was blank. Jensen's hope started to wane, to flicker; _maybe Jared didn't remember, maybe he decided he didn't want this, maybe_ -

Then Jared dropped the bag on the ground, stepped forward, grabbed him around the waist, yanked him in close, and kissed him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long everyone. It was like drawing blood or water or whatever the saying is from a stone I swear - probably most likely because my trip left with me with an awful flu so my brain is mush at the moment, and then I had a bunch of university assignments draining me as well… Hopefully that doesn’t show too much in this chapter :(  
> If it makes things better, it is a very long chapter... it may have gotten away from me a bit!  
> Anyway, thanks everyone for the comments & kudos & patience – love you all :)

It wasn’t easy.

They’d sat and had a talk – a _proper_ talk – after Jared had kissed him. The younger man had tugged him inside and both had sat on the couch. Jared had shifted, taken a deep breath and Jensen had tensed. It was wonderful Jared had kissed him, he knew, but they weren’t out of the woods yet.

‘I just… I guess I know that you were freaked out, I get that,’ Jared had said, ‘but the _extent_ of your freak out, Jensen…’

‘You scare the hell out of me’ Jensen had blurted out.

It was entirely the wrong thing to have said and Jared’s face had shuttered down faster than Jensen could comprehend. He rushed to backtrack, to clarify.

‘No, no – not like that, no Jay, _no_ ,’ he’d babbled. ‘I meant – _us_ – you and me. Scares the hell out of me. This whole thing. I’m not used to… I’m not used to feeling… it’s just new, and it’s scary. And then there was this whole mind-blowing powers thing and it freaked me out and I guess – I think – I’d already been on the verge of running – no, not _running_ … I think… I was just scared of how much I felt for… and I just latched onto it and used it to push you away.’

Jared had tugged a little on his sleeves, looked somewhere over Jensen’s shoulder. ‘And how do I know you won’t run away again?’

‘I won’t,’ Jensen grabbed Jared’s fidgeting hands, ‘I won’t. I swear to God. I _won’t_.’

There was no way for them to fall back into the relationship they’d had before, logically Jensen knew that, but still, it surprised him at how awkward and uneasy things were. Jared was, understandably, wary and a little distant, as if expecting Jensen to bolt at any moment. Jensen, by contrast, was eager ( _desperate_ ) to prove that he wouldn’t run, to the verge of being almost overbearing. They were on uneven footing, with Jensen pulling too close and Jared pulling too far.

It didn’t help that there were outside influences – Sandy, ecstatic that things had worked out, with far too much investment in their happiness, Kim, decidedly neutral about the whole thing, with a look in her eyes that said she was watching Jensen's every move, and Gen. Gen who said nothing, later that day, when she saw the two of them together in the garden, when she obviously realized they’d made up, but whose entire body had tensed like it was electrocuted. Jensen thought maybe it would’ve been better if she’d exploded, if she’d yelled, because the tense silence, the sort-of waiting, was almost worse. Misha’s response had been to state, “congratulations on your molecular levels compatibility,” which Jensen took to meant that he was happy for him.

And there were other things - like the fact that Jared refused to talk or acknowledge the existence of his powers to Jensen. Jensen knew his initial reaction didn’t exactly inspire confidence, but now he was over the first shock, he wanted to know, wanted to ask about them – they were a part of Jared and he wanted _all_ of Jared, freaky mind powers included. But every time he mentioned them, Jared would clam up, shut him down, and change the subject. Jensen didn’t know if it was because Jared was afraid talk of psychic powers would send Jensen running again, or if it simply tied to the long-held denial the younger man seemed to have towards them as a whole. Every time he felt the urge to push, however, he thought of scarred skin, of insidious words, and he really understood what Kim meant about feeling that Jared had been through enough.

On top of it all, Jensen had no point of reference for making things right. The whole relationship thing had been new to him in the first place, and he was at a loss as to how to go about fixing things. It was probably a testament to his previous life, his previous way of thinking that his response ended up being to shower Jared with gifts. He contacted Sandy and ordered limited edition comics – _graphic novels_ , he corrected himself – that cost a fortune, and pressed her about novels to order that Jared might enjoy.

‘Dude, you’re going overboard’ Sandy said to him, as she struggled with a bulky package in the passenger seat of her car.

Jensen gently moved her out of the way to heft the package up. ‘What do you mean?’

It was towards the end of the second week of he and Jared rekindling their… “thing” and already it was the third package Sandy had come by to drop off. Jensen kind of loved express shipping. Sandy headed around the car to the driver’s seat, rolling her eyes at she went.

‘Never mind,’ she sighed, slipping into the car. ‘You’ll figure it out soon enough.’

Jensen stared at her quizzically, thoroughly confused, but before he could press, she waved a hand, started the car and began to back out of the driveway. He decided to put it down to “Sandy is weird” – which explained most of her behaviour most of the time, really – and headed back inside the farm, the bulky package, heavy with two first edition copies of old classics and five new graphic novels, clutched to his chest. He was making his way down the hallway, heading to the back door to go to Jared when someone emerged from the kitchen as he passed, effectively colliding with him. They both simultaneously cursed and staggered a bit. Jensen caught his balance and turned to see Gen rubbing at her arm. She looked up, saw him, and her face flattened into a blank mask.

Jensen tried to smile. ‘Hi Gen’ he said, because apparently he had a death wish and enjoyed poking dangerous animals with sticks.

Gen didn’t answer, her eyes swept to the package he clutched and a sneer curled her lips. ‘Typical’ she muttered, and started to walk past him.

It was the most she’d said to him since the night she’d met him in the hallway and he’d blown up at her. It wasn’t the nicest or most encouraging way to reopen the lines of communication. And Jensen, who it seemed, really did have a death wish, spun to glare after her.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he called out.

Gen shot him a look over her shoulder, shook her head, then vanished up the stairs. Jensen stood for a moment, clenching his jaw. It could’ve been worse – as far as “encounters with Gen” went, it was probably one of the more mild ones – but it told him she was still nowhere near liking or forgiving him. He wondered if she ever would. Somehow, he kind of doubted it.

He step was a little heavier than it had been before when he carried on his way to Jared’s cottage, and maybe even a little hesitant, because that had been _both_ girls who seemed to take issue to his lavish gift giving now. He felt a surge of annoyance towards them both, because neither of them seemed to be coming up with any better ideas on how to make things up to Jared (although, hell would probably freeze over before Gen offered any sort of helpful advice to Jensen regarding Jared). He reached the cottage and knocked.

‘Hey, it’s me’ he called through the wood.

‘Come in!’ Jared’s voice called back.

Jensen let himself inside, heading for the kitchen, where he could hear noises, the tang of garlic and onions in the air. He stepped into the kitchen, sniffing appreciatively. Jared turned from where he was stirring a pot with a spoon. He gave Jensen a smile.

‘Barley and vegetable soup’ he proclaimed proudly. ‘For dinner tonight.’

‘Barley?’ Jensen echoed. ‘Is that like… the pirate code thing from Pirates of the Caribbean?’

Jared laughed. ‘No, it’s like a grain, you dork’ he answered.

Jensen flushed a little. ‘I knew that,’ he muttered. ‘I was just joking.’

‘Sure you were, Jen’ Jared chuckled.

Jensen glowed a little at the casual use of his nickname, as he did each time Jared used it now, taking it as a good sign, a sign they were stepping in the right direction, a sign that Jared was opening up and trusting him again. Which reminded him. He stepped around the kitchen bench and held the package out. Jared looked at it.

‘What…?’

‘It’s for you!’ Jensen grinned.

Jared stared at the package, then looked up at Jensen. His face was a little unreadable. ‘For me’ he repeated.

Jensen started to feel a little awkward holding the package out. ‘Uh yeah’ he said.

Jared paused a moment, then took the package. He turned, adjusted the stove fire to low (on the only remaining burner, the others still ruined from that fateful night), put the lid on the pot, then headed into the lounge. Jensen trailed behind, feeling a little out of sorts. Jared sat on the couch and opened the package, peering inside. His eyes raked the contents and there was a silence.

‘This is… this is great, Jensen, it is’ Jared said softly.

Jensen sat down awkwardly. ‘Then how come you look like you just opened a box of dead puppies?’

Jared looked up quickly. ‘No, I – I really do like it, Jen – these books, the graphic novels, I really do.’

‘But?’ Jensen prompted.

Jared gave a little sigh. ‘It’s just… I haven’t finished the last lot of books you got me’ he said.

Jensen shrugged a little. ‘So you have a pile now, that’s good right?’

‘Or,’ Jared continued, ‘the lot _before_.’

Jensen felt his cheeks prickle a little. He hadn’t realized he’d bought quite that much. Jared put the package gently on the ground.

‘Jen,’ he said, ‘you need to stop.’

Jensen blinked. ‘Stop what?’

Jared made an exasperated sound. ‘This!’ he gestured to the package on the ground. ‘The gifts – every second day – it’s overwhelming, Jen. It’s too much, and I don’t need that. I don’t need you to throw money at me.’

Jensen drew back a little, offended. ‘I’m not throwing money at you’ he snapped.

‘Ok, books, then,’ Jared corrected, ‘same difference.’

And suddenly Jensen deflated a little. ‘Well what am I _supposed_ to do?’ he cried, flinging both hands out. ‘Tell me Jared, because I’m – I’m at a loss here man! I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do to make this up to you! This is the only thing I know – the only way I can think of... You need – you need to tell me – tell me what to do or something! Just give me something to go on, Christ man.’

Jared reached out, caught his hand. ‘I don’t need you to _give_ me things, Jensen, that’s not what I need,’ he said softly. ‘I just need… I just need _you_.’

Jensen’s shoulders slumped. ‘I’m right _here_ ,’ he stared at their joined hands. 'I've _been_ right here this _whole_ time. If that's all you need... then how come it hasn't felt like enough?'

There was a pause.

‘I know,’ Jared said, and he sighed. ‘I know, and I’m sorry… I haven’t been… you’ve been trying so hard, and I haven’t… I’m sorry.’

Jensen quickly looked at Jared’s face, scooted closer. ‘Hey, no, you have nothing to be sorry for,’ he rushed to say, because he wasn't supposed to be blaming Jared, didn't have any right to be blaming Jared. ‘I mean – _I_ was the asshole, _I_ was the one who fucked things up – _I’m_ the one who needs to try, I –’

‘That’s not,’ Jared interjected, shaking his head, ‘that’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. One person trying and the other not. It shouldn’t have been all on you the past two weeks.’

_‘I_ was the asshole’ Jensen reiterated stubbornly.

‘And you’ve apologized for that,’ Jared said softly. ‘Over and over. You shouldn’t have to keep… I shouldn’t keep punishing you for something you’ve apologized for. I’m sorry if I made you feel like… like you had to spend all this money, throw all these gifts at me, _grovel_ or whatever.’

‘You didn’t _make_ me feel like I had to do that,’ Jensen objected gently, and reached to swipe a lock of Jared’s hair behind his ear. ‘I _wanted_ to do all that. I told you I wanted to spend every moment making it up to you. Jay, you’ve done nothing wrong, ok?’

Jared gazed at him a moment, then suddenly, expectedly, he huffed a laugh, rubbed at his face with his free hand. ‘God, what a pair,’ he snickered, ‘we’re both hopeless at this, aren’t we? This relationship thing?’

Jensen couldn’t help smiling back. ‘Yeah we are,’ he agreed. ‘But it’s ok, I reckon we’ll figure it out as we go along. Together.'

Jared smiled back, dimples appearing. ‘Sounds good to me’ he said.

They both moved towards each other simultaneously, dissolving into a kiss. It started slow at first, the gentle slide of their lips, tangle of their tongues, and then Jared was cupping the back of Jensen’s head and shifting closer, deepening the kiss, his movements becoming more hungry, more needy. Jensen’s stomach swooped, and he let a little gasp escape, swallowed instantly by Jared’s insistent mouth. They hadn’t gone any further than kissing since rekindling their relationship, and Jensen hadn’t wanted to press, to push, but _Christ,_ he’d _missed_ this, the intensity of kissing Jared. He could feel his cock starting to swell in his jeans as Jared pressed closer, kissed harder, deeper.

‘Jay’ he murmured, breaking the kiss a moment, wondering if he should slow things down.

But before that thought could even cross his mind properly, Jared was all but crawling into his lap, mouthing kisses along his jaw, his neck, bitting gently, then again, harder, and Jensen made a choked off noise, his neck arching a little.

‘ _Jesus,_ Jared’ he groaned.

The younger man was pushing him back into the couch insistently, straddling his lap, and the sudden pressure on his dick was simultaneously a relief and caused him to groan again, unable to stop from pushing up a little. Jared ground his hips down, attacked Jensen’s mouth again, tongue pushing in, and Jensen melted into the kiss with a moan, hands coming to grip Jared’s back, pull him closer. He ground up and Jared ground down and he could feel the younger man’s length against his. Then Jared was breaking the kiss, lips moving up to Jensen’s ear, and his hands skimmed along the front of Jensen’s jeans.

‘Can I – ’ Jared stuttered, his breath ghosting over Jensen’s ear, sending goosebumps down his arms.

He had no idea what Jared was asking, but he was pretty sure he’d be ok with whatever it was.

‘Anything’ he managed to get out.

And Jared was suddenly sliding down the length of his body to drop onto the ground on his knees and Jensen’s brain kind of short-circuited at the sight. He felt Jared undoing his jeans, tugging them down, realised he needed to help a little and lifted his hips, letting the jeans and boxers pull down, his cock freed, hard and aching. And Jared, Jared _between his legs on the ground_ as he sat on the couch and, _Christ_ , they hadn’t done this yet, hadn’t gotten to this yet before and he was going to ask if Jared was ok with this, if he wanted to do this, when the younger man ducked his head down and gave the tip of his cock a small, tentative lick.

Jensen thunked his head back on the couch. ‘ _Fuck_ ’ he groaned.

That seemed to encourage Jared, because he moved to run his tongue up the length of Jensen’s shaft again, then reached the top, hesitated a moment, before parting his lips and sucking on the top of Jensen’s cock. It took all of Jensen’s control not to jerk his hips straight up, straight into the heat of Jared’s mouth. He lifted his head, peered down, saw Jared hollow his cheeks a little, suck and move his mouth down the length and let out a groan.

‘Fucking Christ – Jared – you look – _fuck_ – ’

Jared pulled off, looked up, his cheeks colouring. ‘I don’t really – I’ve never – ’

Of course. He’d never done this before. And, oh boy, did that made it so much more hotter.

‘You’re doing just fine,’ Jensen managed to get out. ‘Just – just don’t try to – don’t try to take into too much – and what you can’t – y-you just – use your hand – ’

Pink-cheeked, flushed, whether through embarrassment or because he was turned on Jensen didn’t know, Jared nodded, then ducked his head and sucked his cock back into his mouth. Jensen let out a groan, his hands coming instinctively to tangle in the back of Jared’s hair, resting but not gripping too tightly. It was a little sloppy, took a moment for Jared to get a rhythm of his hand jacking in time to his mouth sucking, but Christ, _Christ_ , it was _Jared_ – and Jensen could see the spit on his chin, could see himself slide in and out of those perfect lips, and it was the hottest thing – _the hottest fucking thing_ –  he could hear his breaths coming in short, sharp pants, words and moans slipping from his lips –

‘- so fucking hot – so fucking good – _god Jay_ – so good – fuck – fuck – _fuck_ – ’

And then Jared was groaning  around his dick, the sound vibrating up his cock, and Jensen’s back arched a little off the couch, his hands tightening in the curls of Jared’s hair. He glanced down, met Jared’s lust blown pupils, saw the younger man’s own free hand had slid between his own legs, undone his own jeans to free himself, arm moving as he fucked into his own fist and the sight was enough to have Jensen’s body start to tense, balls draw up.

‘ _Are you_ – shit, fuck, that’s – shit, I’m gonna –’

He tugged frantically at Jared’s hair to pull his off, to warn him, and the younger man sucked harder, more determinedly, and Jensen felt his orgasm crash into him, arching his spine, a cry escaping his lips as he released down Jared’s throat. The younger man managed to swallow some before he pulled off a little with a cough, some spurts splattering across his chin and chest and, Christ, if Jensen could come again, that sight alone would’ve done it. Jared was panting, his own hand still working himself, and Jensen forced his hazy, boneless body to move, tugging at Jared to pull the younger man off the ground, back into his lap, Jared attacking his mouth again. He tasted himself intermingled with the taste that was purely Jared, slipped his own hand around Jared’s to work his cock and within a few strokes the younger man was coming with a cry, burying his face into the crook of Jensen’s shoulder as he did so. He jacked Jared gently through the aftershocks before releasing his cock, arms falling limply to his sides. Jared was in his lap, heavy and boneless against him, head buried in his shoulder, the rapid rise and fall of the younger man’s breathing slowly steadying. Jensen could feel his own heart beat starting to slow. He turned his face to kiss the side of Jared’s head, unable to stop the contented smile curving onto his lips. He breathed in the smell of Jared and –

He paused, suddenly sniffing. And remembered.

‘Uh, Jared’ he said.

Jared made an unintelligible noise, burrowed deeper into Jensen’s shoulder.

‘ _Jared_ ’ Jensen said again, louder.

Jared rolled his head, squinted a glare up at him. ‘What?’ he said snippily.

‘Uh,’ Jensen gestured with his head to the kitchen. ‘I think your soup is burning.’

Jared’s eyes widened. ‘Crap!’ he cursed, lurching to his feet and lunging from the room.

The soup did burn, and the bottom of the pan was ruined, but Jensen kind of thought it was worth it.

 

**

 

Things were better after that.

They were more in sync: Jensen stopped trying so hard (he sheepishly called Sandy to cancel the orders he still had with her store and she informed that that there were _five_ to cancel – he conceded that he may have been going a bit overboard) Jared lost some of his wariness and they met somewhere in the middle. It was still different to last time, when they had jumped into their relationship so whole-heartedly, attached at the hip from the get-go, but Jensen thought maybe this way was better, this caution and slowness, with more independence than co-dependency, and – most importantly – with no secrets hanging between them.

He still wanted to do something for Jared, though, and seeing as how buying things seemed to be out, Jensen decided on something else. He told called Sandy and told her his plan.

‘You want to what?’ Sandy echoed down the line.

‘Cook dinner for him’ Jensen repeated. ‘Like, a proper dinner. With… proper food. You know.’

‘Proper food,’ Sandy said. ‘Um. Have you ever even been in a kitchen before, Ackles?’

‘Shut up,’ Jensen scowled. ‘Of course I have.’

‘I meant to _cook_ ’ Sandy clarified.

Jensen was silent.

‘Jesus, rich boy’ Sandy laughed.

‘I’ve… I’ve just never really had to do it’ Jensen protested.

‘Because other people did it for you’ Sandy supplied.

‘No!’ Jensen objected, then, ‘well yeah.’

‘And Kim never put you on food duty?’ Sandy said.

‘She said she didn’t feel like being poisoned anytime soon’ Jensen admitted sheepishly.

‘Right…’ Sandy hummed. ‘This isn’t an elaborate plot to kill Jared is it?’

‘ _Sandy_ ,’ Jensen groaned. ‘Will you help me or not?’

‘Ok, ok, _fine_ ,’ Sandy said. ‘I’ll help you cook dinner. You big romantic goof.’

Sandy did the shopping for the dinner, after she helped him select a meal that she said “even he couldn’t screw up.” Jensen figured if he left for town just to do grocery shopping it would raise Jared’s suspicions, so he was grateful for the help. On the day, he asked Kim if he could use her kitchen, explained his plan and, after she rolled her eyes and put the fire extinguisher on the bench, she told him to go nuts. Jared was occupied with gardening, the day offering a respite from rain that the younger man was taking advantage of, and Jensen figured he’d make the meal – a roasted chicken with roasted vegetables and a potato bake – and then take it over to Jared’s while the kid was outside, set it up with candles and –

And Sandy was right, he _was_ a romantic goof.

He was carefully chopping the potatoes, the seasoned chicken already in the oven cooking, when he heard the front door open, hit the wall and bang off it. He paused mid-slice and squinted. There was a silence. He went back to chopping, and then there was a bang, a crashing noise and the sound of muffled cursing. Jensen put his knife aside, headed for the hallway.

‘What – ’ he started.

He stopped, raising an eyebrow. Gen was half on the ground, muttering to herself, tangled in coats, the coat stand knocked on the ground.

‘Gen?’ he said.

Gen looked up, saw him and huffed a breath. ‘Greaattt,’ the word was strangely drawn out. ‘Jus’ who I w’nted to see.’

Jensen jolted a little, took a step forward. ‘Gen… are you drunk?’

Gen glared ferociously, disentangling herself from the coat and grabbing at the wall to haul herself up. She stumbled a little on rising, before she managed to get herself under control, swaying a little on the spot.

'Ssso what if I'am?' the words blurred together a little. 'Wassit to you?'

'Christ, Gen, it's like... the middle of the afternoon' Jensen said disbelievingly.

'Psshhh,' Gen rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. 'S'if you've never gotten drunk i'th'middle of a day.'

She stared to walk forward, one hand on the wall. Jensen moved forward instinctively, hands outstretched, wanting to help steady her. Gen made a snarling noise and jolted out of range of his grip, almost losing her balance as she did.

'Dnn touch me!' she hissed.

Jensen made a frustrated noise. 'For God's sake, I'm just trying to help you, Gen.'

'Dn need _your_ help,' Gen sniped back. 'Y'can st'ck y'help up... up y'r... y'can _stick it_!'

Jensen huffed a sigh, threw up his hands and made to move away. 'Fine, whatever, do what you want, I don't care! I've got better stuff to do anyway.'

'Like thr'w money at people?' Gen sneered.

Jensen stopped, eyed her coldly. 'I don't throw money at people.'

Gen folded her arms across her chest, the effect only marginally reduced by her continual swaying. 'Pft, s'if, I saw you - throwin' money at Jared, tryna  _buy_ his forgiveness.'

Jensen scowled. 'I didn't - I wasn't. You know what? You don't even know what you're talking about, I don't have to listen to this - '

He turned to leave and Gen lurched forward and grabbed his arm, stopping him.

'Kim shoulda made you leave,' she snarled. 'That night, she shoulda told y't'go!'

'Well, she _didn't_ ,' Jensen snapped. 'So fucking deal with it.'

He tried to tug loose and Gen gripped tighter, eyes glittering.

'He shouldnt'a forgave you,' she growled, 'he shouldn't've.'

Jensen stopped, met her piercing glare.

'You d'nt de'srve him,' she spat. 'He shouldn't be w'you.'

Jensen finally shook her loose. 'That's not your decision to make,' he said, keeping his voice calm. 'That's Jared's.'

Gen made a frustrated noise, stepped forward and shoved him in the chest. It was pitifully off-balance, hampered by alcohol, but it still sent Jensen back a step.

'I wish you'd never c'm here!' she burst out. 'I wish you'd nev'r come! You ruined e'erything! We were happy - we were all happy!'

It hurt, even if Jensen knew somewhere that Gen disliked his presence that much, even if he knew that she was drunk, it still hurt to have the words thrown at him with such venom and vehemence.

'Jared's happy,' came out of his mouth without him thinking, 'he is. Everyone else can see it but you. He's happy with me.' 

Gen pushed him again. 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!'

And then, unexpectedly, she fell back from him, her body crumpling into herself and her shoulders started to shake, to heave. The sound of a sob startled Jensen, took him aback. He could hear her words, choked and thick, tumbling over one another.

'Y'didn't see - none of you saw him in th't room -  you didn’t see what it was like – the blood, and h's ch'st – like raw meat – an' – an' the look in his eyes – so blank, like he wasn’t even there –’ a sob burst from her throat, rough and painful sounding, ‘he was so br'ken. S'broken and _hurt_ and I _can’t_ – I can’t ever see him like that again, can’t you understand? I can’t ever let that happen t'him again. I couldn’t – he couldn’t – I just can’t – ’

Her legs gave way and she slid to the ground in a messily crying heap, snot and spit and her face red and screwed up and Jensen felt a little like he'd been punched. If she'd been sober, he thought, this would be Gen's worst nightmare, someone seeing her so raw, so vulnerable - especially that someone being him, of all people. He moved forward slowly, cautiously, as if approaching an animal. He crouched down next to her.

'Gen' he said softly.

Gen shook her head, gave a sob. Jensen reached out, gently took her arm.

'How about I put you to bed?' he said softly, sadly.

It was a testament to how she felt, how much she'd drunk, that Gen didn't argue, let herself be pulled to her feet and stumblingly followed him out of the hallway. He let himself into her room, trying not to look around too much, because he'd already seen too much of Gen, been allowed too many glimpses into parts of her that she kept so vigorously hidden from the outside world. He laid her out on the bed and she slumped onto her back, eyes closed. He straightened and stepped towards the door, then paused and turned back.

'I know where you're coming from, Gen, I get it, I really do,' he said quietly, 'but you gotta know you can’t protect him forever. What if… I mean someday he might move, go to college – he’s a smart kid, he can do so much. And… and if you shelter him like this, keep him from… from the real world, then it’s not really living is it? Its like they really did win then. All those bastards in his past. This isolation, this over protectiveness.. in the long run it's only do more harm than good.’

There was a beat, then Gen rolled to her side, away from him.

'G'way Ackles' she whispered.

Jensen swallowed, nodded his head and left the room, closing the door behind him. He stood for a moment in the hallway, realized that he was shaking, his whole body trembling. And suddenly he thought on what Gen had to live with, the sights, the scenes that his imagination did a good job of torturing him with, but he was sure didn't even compare with reality. He wondered how she could cope, how she could stand it, because the thought of Jared hurting killed Jensen, twisted him up and -

And he suddenly needed to see Jared _now_.

Before his brain even caught up, he was already heading for the back door, already pushing it open and all but running into the garden. He saw Jared near the bench, one hand on his hip, inspecting a plant. He heard Jensen approaching, turned to greet him and there must've been something on Jensen's face, because the younger man's forehead creased in worry.

‘Jen – what – ’ Jared started, but Jensen didn’t let him finish, reached him in three short strides pulled him roughly into a kiss.

He tugged the younger man as close as he could, needed to feel all of him pressed against him, his tongue mapping the inside of Jared’s mouth obsessively, insistently. He wanted to devour, to taste, to feel, to envelop Jared, protect him, shield him, hide him from the world. He wanted to assure himself with seeking hands that ran over and over the younger man’s body – wanted to assure himself that Jared was _alive_ , was _whole_ , was _here_. He broke the kiss for air, panting a little, ducking his head to mouth at Jared’s neck, to inhale the scent there, lick at the tendrils of sweat.

‘Jen – Jen – are you… what’s going…’ Jared was a little breathless, his words short, sentences half formed.

Jensen shook his head a little, ran a hand down Jared’s back, the other pressing into the younger man’s chest.

‘Need to – need to make sure,’ he muttered, ‘need you to be ok – need you to always be ok.’

He caught Jared’s mouth again in a kiss, hungry and desperate, walking the younger man backwards until his knees hit the bench and he sat down with a thump, Jensen crawling into his lap, straddling him. Jared broke the kiss, breathing hard, lips swollen and face flushed.

‘Jensen – _Jensen_!’ he grabbed Jensen’s face, caught his gaze and held. ‘I’m ok,’ he said, forcefully, ‘I’m _okay_.’

Some of the desperation faded as Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes. He felt himself calm, just a little.

‘I just wanted to be sure’ he whispered.

And somehow Jared seemed to understand, seemed to get it.

‘Why don’t we go inside?’ he said softly.

The dinner, cooking somewhere in the main house, had faded from Jensen’s mind, his plans for the surprise seeming a distant memory as he nodded and slid off Jared’s lap. The younger man rose and they both walked wordlessly to Jared’s cottage. By some unspoken agreement, the both headed straight to Jared’s room, and once inside, Jensen closed the door behind them, turned and reached for Jared, tugging the young man close, using one hand to pull him down into a kiss. As they slowly kissed he started to walk Jared back until they reached the bed and broke the kiss briefly for Jared to lie back onto the bed, Jensen climbing on top, blanketing the younger man’s form as they kissed slowly, languidly. Jensen could feel his dick hardening in his jeans, and he moved his hips slowly, gently against Jared’s, more focused on the slow kisses, the slide of the younger man’s tongue against his.

Then Jared broke the kiss, gently pulling back. ‘Jensen,’ he murmured softly.

Jensen brushed his lips over Jared’s.

‘Jen,’ Jared said. Jensen pulled back a little at his tone, met the younger man’s gaze questioning. ‘I just… I just want you to know…’ Jared licked his lips, ‘I want you to know I forgive you, ok? For all of it. I do.’

Something that was still wound tightly in Jensen’s chest loosened, unravelled and freed itself. He swallowed hard, felt his eyes prickle a little, nodded mutely. Jared inclined his head up, gently captured Jensen’s lips in a kiss. Then shifted his face a bit, moved his lips to Jensen’s ear, and whispered, ‘I want… I want you.’

Jensen stopped. It was suddenly hard to swallow for other reasons. ‘Jared?’

Jared moved a little, met Jensen’s eyes again. ‘Want you,’ he repeated, his cheeks starting to colour. ‘Want you to… want you to… want you inside me.’

Involuntarily, Jensen’s hips jerked and he let out a groan, dropped his head onto Jared’s shoulder.

‘Shit, Jay, you can’t just say stuff like that,’ he muttered. He lifted his head. ‘I – we don’t have to,’ he said. ‘We don’t – you don’t – ’

‘I _want_ to’ Jared whispered.

Jensen swallowed, mouth and throat a little dry. He bobbed his head. ‘I – OK – yeah, fuck, ok, we can – I mean, I need to get – we need – ’

Jared’s cheeks went even pinker. ‘I – I already,’ he lifted a hand and gestured to his bedside table. ‘I got stuff.’

Jensen couldn’t stop a laugh escaping his lips. ‘Look at you, being so presumptuous’ he teased.

Jared flushed, pouted. ‘Shut up.’

Jensen slid off the bed, walked to the bedside drawer and open it up with one hand, the other undoing his pants. He rifled around, taking out the lube and a condom, and then shimmied from his jeans and boxers and, as he turned, tugged off his shirt.

Jared was staring at him, a little dazedly. Jensen realised he'd essentially just stripped off entirely naked, and Jared was half lying, half siting still fully clothed on the bed.

'Holy shit' Jared breathed in a raspy voice.

Jensen arched an eyebrow, couldn't help a cocky grin. 'Like what you see, Jay?'

Jared swallowed, his face flushing. Jensen stepped towards him, gesturing a hand to Jared's clothed form.

'Care to repay the favour?'

Jared snapped instantly from his daze and a sudden look of panic flittered briefly across his features. Jensen saw his eyes skitter around the room, catching on the already turned off light switch, the already turned off lamp, the already closed curtains and knew he'd been looking for another way to dim the surroundings, to darken the room further. Jensen's heart twisted painfully.

'Jared' he said gently.

'No, I, uh, ok, I'll just - ' Jared tugged at his shirt a little, twisted it in his fingers.

Jensen put the lube and condom down on the bed, climbed on and moved to capture Jared in a long, slow kiss. As their tongues tangled, he moved his hands to grasp the hem of Jared's shirt and stared to pull it up. He felt Jared tense a little and broke off the kiss. He locked his gaze with Jared, breaking it only briefly to, in one swift movement, yank the shirt over the younger man's head. Instinctively Jared half curled over himself, but Jensen forced him back, to lie flat on the bed, spread beneath him.

'Jensen' Jared squirmed, hands moving to his chest, flittering over long scars as if trying to hide them.

'Jared, stop' Jensen caught his hands deftly in his and then pinned them down to the bed.

He ducked his head down and gently, softly, traced his lips over the tip of the scar on Jared's chest. Jared sucked in a  breath.

'Jen, don't, they're -'

'A part of you,' Jensen interrupted, lips brushing over Jared's skin as he spoke. He lifted only his eyes, head still bowed, to meet Jared's gaze. 'They show how goddamn strong,' he kissed the flesh, 'amazing,' another kiss, 'and beautiful you are.'

There was a soft sigh from above him, and he felt Jared start to relax. He eased his grip on the younger man's hands, confident now he wouldn't try to hide, and continued with his soft kisses down Jared's chest, over every scar, bump, mole, every part of Jared, worshipping each part he could touch. He reached Jared's hips, undid the younger man's jeans and slowly tugged them and the boxers free. Jared sucked in a breath as his cock sprang free. Jensen tossed the jeans to one side, bent his head and continued kissing, Jared's hips, lips ghosting to trace into Jared's inner thigh, close, close, but not going near his hard length, moving past it to kiss along the other inner thigh. Jared's hips were twitching at every light touch, his breath coming out in soft gasps, his cock hard and leaking. Jensen drew back, raised up a little and stroked Jared's hip.

'Turn over for me, sweetheart' he murmured gently.

Jared's eyes were lust blown, and he looked a little dazed, but he nodded blearily and rolled obediently onto his front. It was only once there that a little bit of tension crept into his spine.

'What are you going...?' he stuttered out.

Jensen didn't answer, simply dipped his head down to gently kiss at the dimples etched in Jared's lower back, moved one hand to palm the globes of his ass. Jared made a little noise, twitching back into his hand a little. Jensen moved his mouth lower, down, bit gently at the soft flesh of Jared's ass, then used both hands to part the mounds. Jared was trembling a little.

'Jen, what - ahhhh!'

Jensen hadn't hesitated any longer, had ducked his head down to lick a long stripe over Jared's rim. The younger man arched back with a gasp and Jensen traced his tongue over it again.

'Jensen,' Jared's voice sounded wrecked, 'Jensen - what - you shouldn't - that's -'

Jensen pulled back a little. 'Does it feel good?'

Jared squirmed a little. 'Yeah, yeah - but -'

Jensen chuckled. 'Then just enjoy, sweetheart.'

He went to town, using tongue and teeth, licking in and around Jared's hole, and the younger man was a writhing, panting mess, hips humping into the mattress, by the time Jensen reached up and snagged the lube. Jensen's own cock was hard as nails, almost unbearably so from the sight of Jared, spread beneath, from hearing the moans and pants. He felt like if he so much as touched himself he'd come on the spot. He used the lube laboriously on one finger, placed his other hand reassuringly, gently on Jared's hip. He circled the younger man's rim, dipping his finger the tiniest bit in, his hole already loosened a little from spit and his ministrations earlier. He eased his finger in, slowly, carefully, and felt Jared tense up.

'Relax, sweetheart,' he murmured, rubbing at his hip. 'Gotta relax for me, ok?'

He worked the finger in slowly, carefully, moving it in and out, then searchingly crooked it, seeking, probing, until his finger found what it was looking for, brushed over the bundle of nerves. Jared gave a startled cry, all but arching off the bed. Jensen chuckled.

'That would be your prostate' he grinned.

He kept up the pressure, gentle taps, the soothing stroke on Jared's hip as he worked another finger in, and then one more, scissoring them and loosening Jared's hole as much as he could. Eventually he slid his fingers free, reached for the condom, tore open the packet with his teeth. He was trembling a bit as he rolled it on, unable to stop a moan as the lightest of touches, wasn't sure if it was nerves making him shake, or how completely and utterly turned on he was. He slicked himself, using liberal amounts of lube, and paused.

'Jay,' he said softly, because he had to know. 'You - you sure you want this? Sure you want to do this? We don't - '

Jared had rolled over, and he met Jensen's eyes, nodding his head. 'Want you' his voice was husky.

Jensen nodded jerkily. He gestured. ''S'easier if you're on your stomach...' he started.

Jared shook his head. 'Want to see you,' he said softly, 'please.'

And who was Jensen to deny that? He positioned himself between Jared's legs, and lined himself up, waiting a moment before he started to push in. Jared's body seemed to lock up instantly at the intrusion, a soft noise escaping the younger man's mouth. Jensen swallowed, tried not to be distracted by the first grab of the tight, wet heat, focused on Jared, rubbing his hips soothingly.

'Easy sweetheart - need to relax, ok Jay? Need you to relax for me?'

It was slow going, easing in, punctuated with kisses and reassurances, and Jensen was pretty sure his self control had never been tested more, his hips twitching to thrust, to buck into the heat, the feel of Jared around him intense, amazing, overwhelming - by the time he was fully sheathed, he let out a shuddering breath, dropped his head to Jared's chest.

'Fucck,' the word was drawn out harshly, 'fuck Jay, you feel so fucking good, so fucking good for me -'

He waited a moment, for himself to calm, for Jared to adjust, before he started to move in gentle rolling movements and it took a shift, a different angle, and he was hitting Jared's prostate, the younger man giving a cry and arching a little off the bed. It was all the encouragement Jensen needed to move a little faster, thrust a little deeper, hitting that spot, Jared's previously flagging erection filling, hardening with each hit. Their breathing was harsh, stuttered pants, Jared's moans sweet and long and Jensen was heady, hazy with the feel of him, the sight of him, the everything -

'Fucking Christ, I'm not gonna last - not gonna last, sweetheart - ' he managed to stutter out.

He got a hold of Jared's cock, started to jack him in time to his thrusts, Jared arching into his grip, fingers grabbing at Jensen's arms, his body starting to tense. He came first, spurting between them, a shout of Jensen's name on his lips and there was an almighty crash across the room that both of them barely registered. The sight, the sound, the feel of the clench, the tighten around his own cock had Jensen following swiftly after, his orgasm crashing into him, a strangled cry escaping his lips, almost whiting out at the intensity. His body slumped forward and he managed to come to enough to put his hands out, catch himself on his arms before he collapsed entirely on top of Jared. For a second all he could hear was the thundering of his own heart, the rush of blood in his ears. He shook his head, trying to think through the orgasm haze.

'Jay,' he managed, 'Jay, you ok? You ok?'

There was a huff of breath over his skin as Jared chuckled weakly. ''M good, Jen...' he murmured. 'M'really good.'

Assured that he hadn't hurt the younger man, Jensen sighed softly. He reached to squeeze Jared's hip gently.

'Gonna pull out, sweetheart,' he said. 'It might sting a bit, k?'

Jared gave a hiss as Jensen slipped free, and Jensen rolled to one side. He expertly rid himself of the condom, tying off one end and lobbing it off the side of the bed. He sat up a little and peered into the darkness and laughed.

'S'so funny?' Jared asked.

Jensen lay back down on his side, curled himself around Jared, sliding one hand across the younger man's chest.

'It's just... I knew I was good in bed, but not "make the entirely dressing table all but explode with psychic powers good"' he teased.

Jared made a noise. 'Crap, I'm sorry Jen,' he rushed to say, 'I'm not - god dammit - I was getting better, I thought -'

'Jared,' Jensen interrupted, and kissed the side of his face, 'shut up, ok? You need to stop - you don't need to hide them from me, ok? Not anymore,' he paused, then chuckled a little, ''sides, I'm taking it as a compliment.'

Jared huffed a laugh. 'You dork' he said affectionately.

There was a beat, and then Jensen couldn't help himself.

'You sure you're ok? I didn't hurt you?'

He could almost hear Jared roll his eyes. 'I'm fine, Jen,' his voice was fond, and then he added, a smile in his words, 'Amazing, in fact.'

And Jensen couldn't help himself again.

'Yeah,' he agreed, 'you are.'

Jared snorted softly, fondly. 'You sap.'

Jensen smiled, gently traced his fingers across Jared's chest. He should grab something to clean the younger man up, he thought idly, but before he could act on that, Jared spoke.

'So... in the garden... you were pretty upset,' the younger man started tentatively. 'You wanna tell me why?'

Jensen paused, tensed, remembering - Gen, her drunken outburst, and -

'Oh fuck' he said.

'What? What is it?' Jared sounded a little alarmed.

Jensen groaned and rolled onto his back. 'Kim's going to fucking kill me,' he slung an arm across his face. 

'Huh?'

Jensen dropped his arm back down, felt his cheeks colour, even though Jared couldn't see him. 'I, uh, I was cooking' he admitted. 

'You? You were cooking?' Jared's tone was incredulous.

'Hey,' Jensen huffed. 'I was cooking for you actually. I was... I was going to make you dinner. Set it up real nice. Had a whole plan. I'm... I'm pretty sure the chicken is toast now though. Literally.'

He couldn't help a laugh.

'Jensen,' Jared's voice was soft, 'that's... you sap.'

He felt Jared roll over and wriggle close to him. 

'But... still... how did - how did the cooking - you were pretty upset, Jen.'

Jensen reached a hand to trace gently up and down Jared's arm. Thought of Gen, her crying, her vulnerability, and knew it wasn't something to tell, to share with others.

'Just... just everything I guess,' he lied, 'thinking about... well you. Everything you'd been through,' at least that part was true, 'and it got to me, I guess. Christ, Jared, you're so fucking strong. You have no idea. And I'm just... I'm just glad you're here. So fucking glad.'

There was a silence.

'You sap' Jared whispered.

Then he rolled to clamber onto Jensen, capturing his lips in a deep, hungry kiss.

They didn't leave the bed for the remainder of the afternoon or evening, and the next morning, when Jensen emerged from the cottage, he almost tripped over the charred, charcoal carcass of a chicken left in an also burnt pan.

The note on it effectively barred him from ever entering the kitchen again.

 

***

 

The first thing that greeted Jensen when he left Jared’s cottage one morning days later, was the tense face of Rob, hovering in the garden, obviously waiting for him, with Rich on the phone, pacing wildly behind him. The smile that he had been wearing faded a little.

‘Hey guys,’ he greeted cautiously. ‘What’s up?’

Rob glanced back to Rich, and then at Jensen. He opened his mouth to speak, when Rich seemed to end his phone conversation and spun to face them.

‘We need to head into town’ he announced.

Jensen looked between them. ‘Ok…’ he said slowly. ‘I’ll just – ’

Rich shook his head. ‘No, _now_ ,’ he cut across. ‘We need to get into town. There’s an internet hotspot we need to access. We haven’t got time to waste.’

Jensen felt the first stirrings of unease. ‘What’s going on?’

Rich looked to Rob. Rob met his gaze, then turned to Jensen. ‘The FBI have been in touch,’ he said. ‘We need to receive some information they’re sending us. It’s about the threats. They’ve identified the culprit.’

 

***

 

The trip into town was a blur. Rich hadn’t been kidding when he’d said that they were going straight away, literally whisking Jensen from the doorstep of Jared’s cottage into the car and heading into town. They headed to the internet café in town, the location with the strongest internet setup that was accessible by the public. There was talking and money exchanged, and within minutes Jensen found himself in an empty café with no one else but his bodyguards, the doors locked, the owner having accepted money to clear and close the place while they used it. Rich was on the computer in an instant and Rob took a seat at the table, waved a hand at the seat opposite.

‘You want to sit?’ he said to Jensen.

Jensen felt twitchy, agitated, on edge. It was disconcerting to see Rich so professional, throwing him off balance, and that combined with the threat he’d almost forgotten being bought up, the thought of it being over and what it meant for him, and for he and Jared, was making him antsy and anxious.

‘Don’t feel like sitting’ he muttered, pacing a little in one spot.

Rob looked sympathetic. Jensen felt in his pocket for his phone, thinking to contact Jared, let him know where he was and cursed when it came up empty. He must’ve left it at the younger man’s cottage. It made him more anxious. They’d moved past the wariness Jared had about Jensen leaving, but taking off suddenly with his bodyguards and no prior warning might be enough to scare the younger man again. The thought made Jensen more frustrated, more on edge.

‘Rob, what’s going on?’ he demanded tightly, stopping pacing to face his guards. ‘Who’s the one behind the threats?’

Rob gave a little sigh. ‘I don’t know all the details, Jensen,’ he said. ‘But I know… have you ever heard your Dad mention a man named Mark Sheppard?’

Jensen shook his head.

‘You probably wouldn’t have,’ Rob conceded. ‘It was a very long time ago your Dad knew him. He worked for Mark Sheppard, when he was still starting out, still establishing himself in the corporate world.’

‘Before my Dad got rich, you mean’ Jensen said bluntly.

‘Basically,’ Rob nodded.

‘And what happened? Dad pissed this dude off somehow? What did he do?’

‘He put Mark in jail’ Rob said bluntly.

Jensen sat down. ‘Oh.’

‘Turns out Mark was involved in very shady business – close ties to a particularly nasty gang of guys led by one nasty guy in particular. They were running drug shipments, involved in a couple of murders, robberies – but they had cops, officials, all sorts in their pocket, so it was hard for the FBI to pin the gang down,’ Rob explained. ‘But your Dad was running checks, looking through their books, noticed some discrepancies, and started to look into things. Eventually he figured out what Mark was involved with, _who_ Mark was involved with,’ Rob gave Jensen a little smile, ‘lots of weaker men might have not done anything – or worse, seen it as an opportunity to get to the top by dirty means. Not your Dad though. He wanted none of it. So he got in contact with his old FBI pal – Jim Beaver. Between Jim’s contacts and your Dad’s information, they were able to work together to put Mark away. It wasn’t easy, and your Dad had to take a few risks. They tried to keep his involvement a secret, and for the most part it was,’ Rob paused a little. ‘Except… we – well, the FBI think, his involvement might have gotten leaked, recently. His role in putting Mark away.’

‘But he’s in jail’ Jensen said. ‘Right? Mark is still in jail.’

Rob nodded. ‘Yeah, he is. And the FBI questioned him when all this began and he said he had no involvement in the death threats. The thing is… the thing is, the guy Mark was working with… in the gang...’

‘Mark Pellegrino’ Rich’s voice interrupted.

Jensen jumped a little, had almost forgotten Rich was there. He looked over as Rich got to his feet, headed to a printer and began collecting the paper that was spitting out.

‘Another Mark?’ he said wryly.

‘Yeah, apparently it’s a criminal kind of name,’ Rich said, heading towards them, shuffling papers. ‘Remind me to take it off my potential list of children’s name.’

‘God forbid you’d ever have children’ Rob muttered.

‘Robert, I’m offended’ Rich put a hand to his heart.

‘Mark Pellegrino,’ Jensen interrupted forcefully, steering them back on subject, ‘he was put in jail too then, right?’

‘Not exactly…’ Rob said.

‘They thought he was dead’ Rich explained, sitting down.

‘I’m gonna assume they had a good reason for that?’ Jensen arched an eyebrow.

‘Well, they had a body,’ Rich said bluntly. ‘A car crash when the feds were trying to apprehend him. Lost control of the car, smashed into a pole, he went through the windscreen. Which goes to show you should always wear your seatbelts, kids.’

‘But… he’s not actually dead’ Jensen said slowly.

Rich sighed. ‘A face that goes through a windscreen and smashes into asphalt usually isn’t exactly in prime condition,’ he grimaced. ‘So identifying him by his face was out, but the dental records and everything else said it was Mark Pellegrino. Only… thing is, like Rob said, the guy had police in his pockets, people everywhere.’

‘So someone forged the papers’ Jensen guessed.

‘Yep,’ Rich nodded. ‘And best as we can figure, the guy’s been laying low for years since, trying to regroup the gang and regain the control that your Dad helped destroy. And now…’ Rich sighed. ‘Now someone let slip – an agent, a fed, a snitch, _someone_ – that your Dad had a hand in the takedown. And Mark’s pissed.’

‘And he came after me’ Jensen said softly.

‘He wants revenge and retribution,’ Rob said. ‘He lost an empire, millions. He wants those millions back. But more than that, he wants to destroy your Dad, like he was destroyed.’

There was a silence as Jensen slowly digested the words.

‘How?’ he asked finally. ‘How did you find this all out? If everyone thought he was dead?’

‘Mark Sheppard,’ Rob answered grimly.

‘The one in jail?’ Jensen clarified.

‘Yep,’ Rich nodded. ‘He was questioned initially about the threats, like I said, and said he had no idea. But then a few weeks ago he changed his mind, and said he had information he wanted to exchange for more freedom, and time off his sentence. There was some back and forthing, and the feds struck a deal eventually. And Mark told them about Pellegrino. The feds thought he was lying originally, because as far as they knew Pellegrino was dead, right?’

‘And then someone spotted him, about three days ago’ Rob said.

A chill passed through Jensen. ‘Where?’ he whispered.

‘California,’ Rich said.

Jensen swallowed. Rich slid a few pieces of paper onto the table and Jensen looked at the top sheet. It was a grainy black and white photo, a time stamp from a surveillance camera in the corner, and showed a tall man, his face half turned from the camera, walking. He tugged the paper close and stared at it, trying to decipher the face, trying to make out details.

‘This is him?’ he said. ‘How can they tell?’

‘It’s him,’ Rich confirmed. ‘Just trust me. They know.’

Jensen turned the page over to reveal another sheet of paper beneath, this one with a picture. It was a mug shot of a man, printed in colour, and he swallowed as he gazed at a sardonically smirking face, sandy blonde hair and ice blue eyes. A shiver raced down his spine.

‘But, this means they know where he is, Jensen,’ Rob said. ‘They know he’s in California and they’re closing in on him.’

Jensen looked up at his bodyguards.

‘Your Dad – I was on the phone to him earlier,’ Rich said, ‘he wants me to head to California, meet up with the feds. Wants me to be there to make sure they get Pellegrino and put an end to this. He’s sending a jet today.’

‘Today?’ Jensen blinked, a little surprised. Everything seemed to be happening so fast.

‘Today,’ Rich confirmed. ‘Things have got to happen quick. The sighting was three days ago, Jensen. They can’t afford to let him slip through their fingers.’

‘And… me?’ Jensen covered Pellegrino’s icy stare with the other grainy photo.

‘You’ll stay here with Rob,’ Rich said. ‘As far as we know, he still has no idea where you are, so it’s safest for you to stay put. But… once we get Pellegrino, once he’s in custody… you know. It won’t be… it won’t take much longer before we can think about leaving, or moving somewhere else.’

The words sunk in slowly, and Jensen stared at the top of the table unseeing. After months – _months_ – of being at Kim’s, things were drawing to a close. There was a very real ending in sight, closer than he could’ve realized. And it was happening fast.

‘Jensen?’ Rob prompted.

The thought that had been lurking, ignored, at the back of Jensen’s mind for a long while now came forward, took shape, took hold and refused to budge until he turned it over and over.

‘I need…’ he started slowly.

Then he looked up. ‘I need to use the computer.’

 

**

 

It was dark by the time Jensen returned to the farm, and it felt strange to be in the car with only Rob. He’d been used to the constant presence of the two companions and it felt odd for the seat beside Rob to be empty. He wondered if, once Pellegrino was gone entirely, Rob and Rich would remain as his security detail. He found himself thinking he would miss having them around so often if they were to be assigned elsewhere.

It was just one of so many things that he hadn't even considered, hadn't even thought about - one of the things that could change, most likely would change, when this whole fiasco was over.

Jensen put a hand to his head, sighed deeply. He was tired, so very tired, and so very, very overwhelmed.

When he got to the farm, he headed straight to Jared’s. He let himself into the cottage, toeing off his shoes and padding quietly to the lounge. Jared was in his usual position, curled on the couch, a book propped on his lap. He looked up as Jensen approached and smiled, and Jensen was grateful that his disappearance hadn't had ramifications with Jared. One less thing to stress about.

‘Hey!’ Jared greeted. ‘Where you been all day?’

Jensen tried to smile back. ‘Hey,’ he said, and stopped short of the couch, shifting from foot to foot, ‘uh, I had to… had to go into town. With Rob and Rich. It… they. Uh, listen, can we talk?’

The smile on Jared’s face faltered. ‘Oh… I… yeah’ he said, sliding his bookmark into place and slowly sitting up properly, shifting his legs from the couch to make space.

Jensen took the invitation and sat on the couch, feeling a little tense, his knee jiggling. There was a beat of silence as Jensen tried to think of how to begin, when Jared spoke.

‘So, what did Rob and Rich want?’ he said, and his voice was careful, soft.

Jensen took a breath. ‘They’ve found out who made the death threats’ he said.

There was a pause.

‘Oh’ Jared said quietly.

Jensen rubbed a hand on his face. ‘Some dude my dad sent to jail, years and years ago – well, not the guy _in_ jail, but his associate, a guy – Mark Pelli… Pelli… Pelli _something_ , anyway, they thought he was dead – turns out he’s not and he’s pissed because my Dad ruined his career, sent his partner to jail – even though, you know, the reason for all that is because they were dealing in drugs and basically like the mafia, so it’s not like my Dad did a bad thing, they were bad dudes,’ the words came out in a babbled rush, ‘so anyway, because the dude – another Mark, Sheppard this one, was in jail and denied any knowledge of the threats, they moved on and then, suddenly, he says he’s has info – they do a plea deal – he gets time off his sentence or some shit or whatever – and he tells them Mark Pellisomething is alive and wants revenge. They put a search out on him and – and – and they got a hit. California. Someone sighted him. Rich is going, with the FBI, wants to see for himself when they get the bastard I guess, make sure it really is safe for me.’

‘Safe for you to go home’ Jared said softly.

Jensen expelled a breath of air. ‘Yeah’ he said.

‘That’s… that’s…’ Jared drew in a breath, and looked to Jensen with a trembling smile. ‘That’s really good, Jensen. It is.’

Jensen looked at him, scrutinizing. ‘Is it?’

Jared reached out and gently squeezed Jensen’s knee. ‘Of _c_ ourse it is,’ he said, ‘you’re not in danger anymore. Of course it’s a good thing.’

Jensen glanced down at Jared’s long fingers. Took a breath.

‘I’m not staying here’ he said in a rush.

The fingers tightened minutely on his legs as Jared tensed. Then the younger man looked to one side.

‘Of course,’ there was a tiny tremor in his voice, the hint of a quaver, ‘I know – we knew – that was always – of course – I wouldn’t – ’

‘Jared’ Jensen said.

‘I wouldn’t ever – I always – it wouldn’t – ’ a thickness started to enter his tone, Jared’s eyes blinking rapidly.

‘Jared’ Jensen said more forcefully.

‘I’m ok, I _am_ , I’m happy for you – I’m happy that –’

‘ _Jared_!’ Jensen burst in.

Jared lapsed into silence, still staring off to one side. Jensen took a breath; slid one hand over Jared’s and squeezed, the other reaching to tug Jared’s head to look him in the eyes. He thumbed a little of the wetness out from underneath Jared’s eyes. Jared blinked quickly, eyes glassy, watery.

‘I’m ok’ he croaked, tried to smile.

‘I’m not staying here,’ Jensen repeated, softly, gently, ‘I can’t. This is Kim’s house. But,’ he rushed as Jared opened his mouth, ‘but, I. I used the internet, in town. There’s something… I’ve been thinking about. For a while now. I just. I don’t know… was waiting, putting it off. But I _want_ to. I _do_.’

Jared looked confused. ‘I… Jensen, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘There’s a block of land,’ Jensen blurted out, ‘closer to the town. Probably midway between Kim’s and the town? It’s for sale. I was thinking – I was thinking of buying it. Building a house. The thing is, I like it here – the town, the people – but this, it’s _Kim’s_ house. I don’t want… I want my _own_ place, you know? Plus a little closer to the town can’t hurt,’ he laughed nervously. ‘And – and you know, we can – I can – I’ll need a garden you know? And you were so good with Kim’s – maybe you could help with mine? And stay over – if you want. Sometimes. And maybe later – maybe one day – stay even… even longer.’

Jared was staring at Jensen. There was a silence.

‘This is, you know, your cue to say something?’ Jensen tried to laugh and it came out a little strangled.

‘Your job’ Jared’s voice was a little tight, strangled.

Jensen shrugged. He was starting to feel nervous, this wasn’t how he anticipated this going.

‘I, uh, I can work remotely, it’s fine – I work for my Dad’s company, you know? Everything I do can be done from home, really – and if I need to go in – well, you know, I’m kinda rich, we have a private jet and – and, yeah. It. It would be fine. I talked to my Dad. Today. Told him my idea. He was cool with it.’

‘ _Jensen_ ’ Jared’s voice came out in a rush.

Then the younger man was flinging himself onto Jensen, long arms wrapping around him. Jensen squeaked, caught off guard, lost his balance and fell awkwardly to one side on the couch. Jared burrowed his head into the crook of his neck and Jensen felt a spike of nerves when he felt wetness, realized that Jared was crying.

‘Jay?’ he said, alarmed.

Jared pulled back, hovering a little over him, and was smiling, even with tears trickling down his face. ‘Good tears,’ he assured him, voice choked, ‘good, I swear.’

Relief flooded Jensen. ‘Thank God,’ he said, and started to laugh a little. ‘You had me worried.’

‘I can’t – ’ Jared shook his head in wonder. ‘I didn’t expect –’

‘Hey,’ Jensen interrupted softly, and reached up to loop both arms around the back of Jared’s neck. ‘I told you – I _promised_ you I wasn’t leaving you. I _promised_.’

Jared’s face melted into a soft look, eyes twin pools of affection, of happiness. He leant down, his nose brushed Jensen’s, and he spoke, softly, lips brushing over Jensen’s.

‘I love you.’

A flood of emotions rushed over Jensen, overwhelmed him, consumed him, his stomach swooping, his heart skipping a beat and he felt – he _felt_ – he felt the happiness and he felt _it_ – he felt _it_ back. He opened his mouth to speak, to say - but his throat tightened, closed, snatched words away.

And all he could do was tug Jared into position, seal his lips over the younger man’s and try to push the feelings he couldn’t name, couldn’t yet say, into the intensity of the kiss, the hunger, the feel of it.

Jared seemed to understand.

 

***

 

He made two more trips into town to utilize the internet and finalize the sale of the land over the next few days. It was a sizable block, enough that he’d be able to build a decent house and create a big garden for Jared. The entire process was both exhilarating and terrifying and Jensen tried not to stop and think about it too hard, scared he’d freak himself out.

He knew buying the land was just one step and that he’d need to start the actual process of designing and making decisions about the house, but for now he was happy in the knowledge that at least the first part was over. He tried to think of plans for the building process, deciding on dividing his time between Kim’s and his own apartment back in the city. He wondered if Jared would visit his apartment with him, venture into the city at least once. 

Kim was happy when he told her about his plans, enveloping him in a hug and whispering into his ear, ‘knew you’d come good in the end, kiddo.’ Sandy emitted an ear-splitting scream down the phone and possibly shattered all windows in the vicinity, before babbling about how they would have endless movie nights “forever and ever and ever and ever.” When he’d mentioned the private jet, her screech had been almost hypersonic and Jensen wondered if he’d broken her.

He wanted to tell Gen, to throw it in her face that he was sticking around, _thank you very much_ , and that she’d been wrong, wrong about him all along. He wanted that satisfaction. But since her alcohol-fuelled miserable breakdown, she’d clearly been avoiding him; he'd not seen so much as a glimpse of her, and if it wasn't so frustrating, he'd be almost impressed at her ability to move around so undetected.  

They hadn’t heard directly from Rich or his father either, but Rob assured Jensen that all was going well, that they were closing in on Pellegrino and the relief Jensen had was surprising. He’d spent so little time actually thinking about the threats – preoccupied as he had been with Jared, with their relationship, with psychic mind powers – that it startled him to realise that at the back of his mind it must’ve been weighing there. He felt lighter, more confident.

And he and Jared were good – _so good_.

He hadn’t said… the words yet. Jared hadn’t said them again either. But Jensen felt them, he _did_. And he tried to show Jared that he did in his actions. A part of himself thought it was ridiculous, the fear he had of saying the words, the inability to get them out, when he was _buying a block of land_ to stay with Jared, was thinking of when Jared would live with him for Christ’s sake. There wasn’t a future he could envision without Jared.

_So why was it so hard to say?_

On the day he finalized the sale and returned back, he and Jared celebrated with food and a movie, curled around each other on the couch, before they retired to Jared’s room, stripping down and crawling into bed together. He took his time opening Jared up, slow and gentle, kissing the younger man deeply and languidly, shifting his kisses to his chest, his shoulders and back, letting his lips drift over scars that never should have been inflicted on his skin. By the time he slicked himself and lined up with Jared’s entrance, his cock was hard as rock, weeping, Jared a flushed, panting mess.

But he didn’t speed the pace, rocked into Jared slowly, took his time with slow, long thrusts, pressed himself close to Jared, foreheads almost touching, sharing each other’s breaths as they rocked together. The only sound was skin on skin, harsh breaths and soft stuttered moans. He hit Jared’s prostate on every thrust, a flush creeping higher and higher on the younger man’s body, his cock hard and red between them. Jensen felt his own orgasm start to creep up, slowly building with every thrust. He slid a hand between them, wrapped it around Jared’s cock and it took a few short pulls before Jared was coming with a quiet cry between them. Jensen followed him over the edge shortly afterwards, hips stuttering in their movements, his body stilling. Jared reached up, pulled him down, kissed him slow and deep.

‘Love you’ he whispered quietly.

Jensen swallowed, throat tight, and wordlessly kissed him back.

He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see if there was disappointment in Jared's face.

Afterwards, after they’d cleaned up, slid into clean boxers and curled up once more beneath the sheets, Jensen lay listening to Jared’s breathing even out, deep and slow as the younger man drifted into sleep. He shifted, levered himself up and stared down at Jared, eyes adjusting to the darkness. He could see the soft curls of his hair fanned on the whiteness of the pillow, his face relaxed and peaceful, the part of his lips as breath gusted out, the lean, long torso. He reached out a finger and gently traced sharp cheekbones, felt a swell of emotion in his chest, bubbling rising, threatening to tear it's way from his mouth.

He loved Jared.

_He loved Jared._

And suddenly he knew it, he _felt_ it, and it wanted to wake the younger man, wanted to tell him, wanted to tell everyone because it was that simple. _It was that goddamn simple_.

_He loved Jared._

For a second his hand drifted to Jared’s shoulder, to shake, to wake him up, but he stopped, eyes drifting over the peaceful face. He wouldn’t wake him. He’d wait until tomorrow.

He lay back down, curled himself around the younger man’s body, pressed into his back, pressed his nose into Jared’s hair and breathed in deeply, feeling happier than he ever had.

_He loved Jared._

 

**

 

Jensen woke gradually the next morning, keeping his eyes closed, revealing in the warmth and contentment thrumming in his veins. He was flat on his back, he could tell, and a smile curled his lips at the feeling of the long line of heat alongside him that was Jared.

This, he thought, this was how he wanted to wake up, every day, for the rest of his life.

The thought filled him, washed over him and he suddenly needed to open his eyes, needed to see Jared, needed to tell him exactly how he felt, needed to say it. He opened his eyes –

And stared straight down the barrel of the gun that was pointing directly into his face.

‘Mr. Ackles,’ ice-blue eyes twinkled above him, ‘you _are_ a tough person to track down.’


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again – thank you all so much for the love, comments & kudos :) Just want to let y'all know, even if I don’t reply to comments, I am reading every single one and I love and appreciate the hell out of all of them... I am just a shy awkward turtle sometimes is all...
> 
> Anyway, so… warning for violence, because Mark is a not-so-nice man and... uh, basically: brace yourselves :P

Jensen's entire body went rigid, locked up, as he sucked in a sharp gasp, the spike of terror hot and fast. Then his thoughts jumped - _Jared_ \- and he turned his head wildly, to check, to see.

There was another man on the other side of the bed, with Jared's arm limply in his grip, sliding a needle from the crook of the younger man's arm. Jensen made a choked off noise, then there was a _swish_ and pain exploded on the side of his face. The world spun, tilted, and black spots danced in front of his eyes. A hand grabbed the short hairs of his head, yanked and, dazed, reeling, he could only roll with it, spikes of pain with every hair pulled, finding himself pulled from the bed, tumbling to hit face first on the ground.

'Children these days,' the voice sniffed, 'so rude. Ignoring me like that.'

Jensen half levered himself from the ground, gasping, blinking. He heard feet move.

'Get him up' the voice commanded.

Then hands were seizing his arms, yanking him roughly to his knees, pulling him into a kneeling position, twisting his arms roughly behind his back. He blinked to clear his vision, took in everything - there was Mark Pellegrino, very much _not_ in California, standing in front of him, the two men holding him tight, another two off to one side, watching the door with guns levelled and the final man still standing on the other side of the bed, carefully tucking away the needle -

_Jared._

His eyes zeroed on the younger man, his frantic searching noting that although Jared was splayed, unmoving on his stomach, he could see the rise and fall of steady breathing - _alive_ , he was _alive_.

'Relax, Mr Ackles,' Mark sounded amused. 'We only dosed your toy with a sedative. No harm done.'

He started to walk around the bed, twirling his gun idly as he went. 'Can't say the same for your bodyguard though,' he continued, conversationally. 'A bullet made short work of him, and really, what was your Daddy thinking, leaving just one man to guard you?'

A choked off noise escaped Jensen's mouth, wounded and strangled. _Rob_. _No, no, no_.

'And then there was that burly man in the stables,' Mark had reached the other side of the bed, his man moving away so the tall man could stand, looming over Jared. 'Such a shame. All those muscles. Probably an excellent worker. We shot him in the head.'

' _God_ ,' Jensen's head swung from side to side, felt tears hot and thick spring to his eyes. ' _You_ \- '

'And those pretty, pretty women you have in that big house,' Mark's blue eyes practically glowed.

' _No_ ' Jensen moaned.

'Oh no, don't worry, there was no sense in killing them,' Mark smiled. 'A little dose of sedative for them as well. I figured, after all I'd put my men here through the past months, they deserve a treat. One already called dibs on the older woman,' he winked, 'he likes them a little weathered.'

'Fucking - _fuck you_ ,' Jensen spat. 'You _fucking_ \- sick - '

Mark threw back his head and laughed. 'Language, Mr Ackles, please!' he held up both hands in mock horror.

Jensen gave a harsh sob, clenched his eyes. Tried to think. Tried to control himself.

_Misha._ A voice whispered.

Mark hadn't mentioned Misha.

'I must say,' Mark was talking, snapping Jensen from his thoughts. 'I _am_ impressed. Even here, in the middle of nowhere, you managed to find something pretty to warm your bed.'

The tall man laid a hand on Jared's still back, started to slide it caressingly down the length. Jensen saw red, felt rage, hot and white, flood him.

_'Don't fucking touch him_!' he half lurched upwards from the ground.

'Boys' Mark said mildly.

And then the two men were yanking him down, the man who'd had the needle striding over and in a second his fist swung and smashed into Jensen's cheek, pain exploding along the side of the face. He barely had time to draw breath before the fist was connecting again, this time with his stomach, hard, and he doubled over, breath driven from his lungs. He gagged, gasped, retched, head spinning, sagging a little in the iron grip of his captors.

'Such a temper, Mr Ackles,' Mark tutted, moving his hand to settle almost gently in Jared's hair, toying with the strands. 'I thought your Daddy raised you better than that.'

Jensen wanted to talk, wanted to tell Mark to go screw himself, but he could only cough, still struggling to regain his breath, blinking through watering eyes. Mark locked his ice cold gaze onto him, then deliberately moved a hand to palm intimately at Jared's ass.

'I think I'll keep this one for myself.'

' _No_ \- ' Jensen managed to get out, anguished.

A smile curved Mark's lips. He tapped at the scars on Jared's back. 'I _do_ like when someone else has already broken them in for me.'

'Don't - ' Jensen's voice was strangled and hoarse. 'Don't - _don't you dare_ \- don't you _fucking_ – ’then the anger was replaced with desperation, pleading, ‘ - _please_ , don't - he's not - he's nothing to do with this - '

Mark hummed. 'See, now, that's where you're wrong,' he countered and - thankfully, _thankfully_ , Jensen thought desperately - he started to move away from Jared, back around the bed towards Jensen. 'See, judging by your little hissy fit just then,' Mark continued as he walked, 'I'm going to go ahead and assume you like this little toy. Who knows? Perhaps he's a particularly fantastic fuck - '

Jensen made a choked noise in rage.

' - in any case, the fact that you care about him, that you like him, makes him instantly a part of this because,' and suddenly Mark was in front of him, crouching, eyes inches from him, hard as flint, ' _you_ , Mr Ackles, you and your dear Papa, have _seriously_ pissed me off these past few months and I'd _really_ like to return the favour.'

Mark reached up, grabbed Jensen’s chin in a tight unyielding grip.

‘Do you know,’ his voice was a low hiss, ‘how much effort I’ve put into locating you? How much time I’ve wasted on you? You are going to pay for _every one_ of those seconds I spent, Mr Ackles. The question remains,’ he leant even closer, lips to Jensen’s ear, the words a slimy, insidious hiss in his ear, ‘of whether I take your toy right in front of you, let you watch, whether that’ll hurt you more, or if I simply cut him to bits in front of your eyes.’

Jensen was going to be sick.

‘ _Don’t_ –’ he could hardly get the words out, Mark’s grip still tight on his chin, ‘don’t – _please_ – I’ll do anything – _please_ – ’

Mark gave a long, low sigh. ‘Ahh – now if that isn’t just music to my ears,’ he drew back, smiling. ‘Every time I hear someone beg, I think, surely it’ll get old, one day, but, I’ll tell you, Mr Ackles, it still sounds as sweet as the first time.’

He released Jensen’s chin, inclined his head as he shifted back, then, in one swift movement, drew back his fist and punched him in the nose. Pain exploded across Jensen’s face, vision almost whiting out for a second, he felt the bones breaks and shatter, the blood burst and splatter and his body fell forward with a strangled cry of agony. Mark grabbed him by his hair, viciously dragging his head back even as Jensen gasped, and sucked in air through his mouth, even as his vision pin-wheeled wildly.

‘You are a pitiful creature, aren’t you?’ Mark commented mildly, with the air of someone observing the weather. ‘It makes me wonder why your Daddy put so much effort into protecting you.’

Jensen blinked rapidly, struggled to draw breaths through an overextended neck. His mind was whirling, waves of panic and fear make it difficult to think – _he was going to die, Mark was going to kill him, kill him like he already killed Rob and Tahmoh, and, oh god, he was going to torture Jared, and this guy was insane, he was_ insane –

‘Although, I guess mine is not the place to wonder why,’ Mark released him, got to his feet as he spoke, ‘although, it does change my plans a bit. All this effort, all this he did to protect you, makes me think I was too hasty to try to off you that time. Keeping you alive is far more beneficial. The ransom opportunities are boundless. Once I get the money, I can kill you, _of course_ ,’ he added, in a tone like it was obvious, ‘but until then…’

_You have to keep him talking_ , a voice in his mind urged him, as Jensen drooped, hanging limply between the two guards, _you have to keep him talking, if Misha is still out there you have to buy him time to get word to Rich, to the FBI, to someone,_ anyone, _to get help to come here_.

_If Mark makes you leave, if he bundles you into some car… as soon as you leave here you’re good as dead. The girls,_ Jared, _as soon as you leave, they’re all good as dead._

‘How?’ he croaked.

Mark looked a little startled that he had spoken. Jensen lifted his head, gave himself as much of a shake as he could to get himself back to speed, back to working order. He spat blood on the ground.

‘How?’ he said again, a little stronger this time. ‘How did you find me?’

'Well now, isn't that an interesting question?' Mark's lips quirked into a smile. 'Because that's just another reason, Mr Ackles, why I have a bone to pick with you. For all my intelligence, my efforts, my sleuthing and interrogating to find where your Daddy stashed you, how I wind up finding you... is through your own stupidity.'

Jensen swallowed.

'See, there's this new thing all the cool kids are doing at the moment - called social media. You heard of it?' he arched an eyebrow mockingly at Jensen as he reached into his pocket and fished out a phone. 'I make a point to keep up with all the newest fads. Pays to be hip and all that. And, amongst all the selfies, and the food pictures and the sunsets, we picked something out, your name pinged on a post a few weeks ago.'

He tapped a few times on his screen, seemed to find what he was after and lifted his gaze to smile toothily at Jensen.

'"Just met "hashtag" Jensen Ackles. What a stuck up douche",' he read a loud, and then tutted a little. 'My, you don't come off great in this, gotta say. I do adore the picture though.'

He stepped forward and thrust the phone in Jensen's face. Jensen blinked, the picture sliding into focus - an Instagram post, a photo of him at a bar, half turned away, a little blurred, but unmistakably _him_ , and he recognised it - it was the Spruce Goose, it was him at the Spruce Goose and -

  _Do I know you?' the bartender had asked. 'I swear you look familiar...'_

_'No, you don't,' he'd snapped back. 'And don't you know it's rude to stare?'_

Jensen felt sick.

'It didn't take long,' Mark straightened up, pocketed the phone, 'for us to track down the little bartender. A bit of sleuthing and it came to light she worked at little bar called the Spruce Goose, not too far from here, ever heard of it? Oh, of _course_ you have.'

Jensen closed his eyes. It was _him_ ; it was his fault, _his goddamn fault_ Mark had found them, had killed Tahmoh and Rob, his own _stupid fucking_ fault.

'Then, of course, once in town, we had to work out where you were,' Mark carried on. 'We had a little chat with your bartender friend who made this post. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to provide us with the answers we needed…’

There was a little thrill of horror as something occurred to Jensen. ‘Did… did you kill her?’

Mark only smiled. Jensen was starting to loath that smile.

‘So we decided to stake out the Spruce Goose, see if the famous Mr. Ackles would grace it with his presence again,’ he carried on, like Jensen hadn’t asked anything. ‘Which of course, you didn’t. We even started to have our doubts that you were still here. But then one day a little brunette girl comes in and starts drinking in the middle of the day. Very upset she was – ’

Jensen sucked in a breath. Remembered sobbed drunken words. Remembered saying "it's the middle of the afternoon!"

_Genevieve_.

‘ – she had a companion join her, another tiny brunette. Seems to be the thing around here, these small women. And through all that anger, that ranting, we heard something. A name, spat out with such venom, such anger. _Ackles._ And we knew you were still here.’

Jensen closed his eyes. Gen had been drunk, _so_ drunk that day. She wouldn’t have been careful, wouldn’t have watched her words.

Mark smiled. ‘So I _do_ have to thank you, Mr Ackles, because if you hadn't been annoying women at every turn, I probably would never have found you,’ he chuckled. ‘And lo and behold. Not much longer, and we see _you_ , yesterday, bold as brass, in town – ’

Finalising the sale. Jensen had been in town to finalise buying the land. They'd probably been relaxed, hadn't taken the usual precautions, because there wasn't supposed to be any threat, because Mark wasn't supposed to be here. And the land... the land he was supposed to build a house on for him and Jared and, _oh god, would he ever, would they ever even get the chance now_ -

‘So we tracked you back, waited until you were all abed and,’ Mark spread his arms. ‘Here we are, Mr Ackles. Here we are.’

‘California,’ Jensen licked his lips, ‘they saw you. In California.’

Mark tilted his head. ‘They _also_ saw me die,’ he responded. ‘It’s funny how much the FBI sees. And how much they _don’t_ see.’

‘You were never even there,’ Jensen shook his head. ‘You were never even in California. You wanted to the feds to head there. You wanted my bodyguards to head there. You wanted me to be left unprotected.’

‘Give the boy a prize,’ Mark grinned, then clapped his hands together. ‘Now, if you are quite done stalling the inevitable, Mr Ackles, it’s time we move on to more pressing matters…’

Jensen tensed. ‘They’ll catch you,’ he said, ‘they’ll catch you if you take me. You avoided jail once, you really think you can do it again?’

Mark crouched in front of him again. ‘Oh, I _know_ I can,’ he replied. ‘You Daddy didn’t manage to put me away last time, and he won’t manage to do it this time.’

‘Did manage to ruin your whole career though, didn’t he?’ the snark slipped out before Jensen could stop it.

For a second Mark’s face twisted in anger, the first crack in his calm, sardonic mask. Then it smoothed over almost instantly, settling into a cool smile that sent chills down Jensen’s spine. The older man slid his gun into his waistband, then tugged something else out. A pocket knife. He flicked the blade out, lifted his hand and pressed the tip into Jensen’s face, gently, not breaking the skin, but enough pressure for Jensen to tense.

‘How about we leave your Daddy a little gift?’ Mark whispered. ‘Something for him to find when he comes to this place and finds everyone dead or gone. Tell me, Mr Ackles,’ he began to move the tip, slowing tracing the blade down Jensen’s cheek, ‘what part of your body are you least attached to?’

He dropped the hand with the knife and tapped Jensen’s crotch. ‘I’m sure there would be a lot of men and women out there happy to see this thing removed,’ Mark grinned wolfishly.

Jensen made a noise, but Mark was already lifting the knife back to his face.

‘But, no, I think,’ Mark suddenly seized his chin again in an iron grip, ‘I think I’m going to cut that sarcastic tongue right from your head.’

Mark squeezed his hand, the force making Jensen’s lips scrunch, and he clamped down tightly, desperately keeping his mouth closed, panic flaring, his head pulling, trying to yank back.

Mark snarled. ‘Listen, Mr Ackles, by the time I leave here, there’s going to be a bloody tongue waiting for your Daddy to find and the thing about tongues is that they basically all look the same – so either _you_ can cooperate with me, or I’ll cut the tongue right out of your little pet’s head – you _understand_ me?’

A sick wash of fear and horror washed over Jensen. He stilled his movements almost instantly.

‘I knew you’d see it my way,’ Mark crooned, ‘now, open wide and say _ahhh_ …’

There was bile combining with the sharp tang of fear at the back of Jensen’s throat, his entire body shaking, his lips parting almost minutely, every instinct screaming at him to pull, to fight, to struggle. Mark slid the cold steel of the knife between his parted lips, lodged it between his teeth and use that to lever, to pry Jensen’s mouth wide.

_Jared_ , Jensen repeated as a mantra, a reminder, _Jared, Jared, Jared_ –

‘… Jen…?’

\- _Jared_?

Mark stilled at the noise, the quietly slurred word. Jensen’s stomach tightened.

‘What was that?’ Mark asked quietly.

The men not holding Jensen exchanged glances.

‘Uh – ’ one started.

Then, on the bed, Jared started to move, limbs shifting sluggishly.

‘Jen… sen…’ the voice slurred out, confusedly, louder.

The knife was still in Jensen’s mouth and his heart was apparently making an attempt to join it, judging by how it had leapt into his throat. _Jared was waking up, how was Jared waking up_ –

‘How is that kid waking up?’ Mark’s jaw was tight. ‘I told you to sedate him.’

The man who’d used the needle looked confused. ‘I did, I did, boss, I swear – there’s no way – he shouldn’t be waking up right now –’

A sudden thought flashed into Jensen’s head, a sudden wonder at how much Jared’s psychic powers affected him, made him different – were they the reason the sedative was wearing off so quickly? He thought of Misha - of Kim using a "special doctor", wondered if Misha's specialness not only extended to knowing about people similar to Jared, but of having medicines specific to them.

‘Give him another dose’ Mark ordered sharply.

The man hesitated. ‘Boss, it’s… this stuff… that’s not a good idea.’

Mark let out a long-suffering sigh, retracted the knife from Jensen’s mouth, reached around and, before anyone could react, took his gun from his waistband and shot the man in the head.

‘ _Jesus Christ_!’ the noise, the spray of blood, the body hitting the ground, the feel of the knife still lingering in his mouth - Jensen felt bile rise to the back of his throat, his head fell forward and he retched.

Movement on the bed increased, Jared rolled onto his back, half tried to sit up, eyes blinking blearily, hazily, looking unfocused and glazed.

‘Whass – what’s goin’ on?’

Mark pointed his gun at one of the other men. ‘Get that idiot’s needle, give the kid another dose. And if you argue with me, I’ll put a bullet in _your_ brain too.’

The man moved instantly, dropping next to the corpse and tugging the needle from the belt. Jensen came back to himself enough for the dead man’s warning to come back to him and felt his panic rise.

‘Wait – don’t – leave him alone – _stop_ – ’

Mark’s hand swung, catching Jensen in a powerful backhand that snapped his head back and made a sharp cry escape his lips. Jared’s head swivelled around, his eyes blinking, panicked and confused at the sound.

‘Jensen!’ he cried.

Then the other man was suddenly, swiftly approaching with the needle, Jared’s head swung to see him and he gave a cry of terror and – _and the air was suddenly charged, thick_ – and the man was flung backwards by an unseen force, smacking against the wall with a crack.

Mark was on his feet in an instance. ‘What the hell – ’

The man who’d been flung half crawled to his feet. ‘The fuck was that?’ he shouted.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,_ Jensen thought wildly.

Jared twisted in the bed, face contorted, already a trickle of blood from his nose. ‘Jen – ’

‘Shut the kid up’ Mark snarled.

The man with the needle had gotten to his feet and moved again towards Jared. Jared’s hand flung out, the needle shattered and the man was thrown back again.

‘It’s him!’ the other man shouted, lifting his gun. ‘Jesus Chris, it’s the kid – ’

Jensen saw him flick the safety, panic grabbed him.

‘ _No_ – ’ he started.

Then the gun was flying away, the man’s wrist snapped back – all the way back, bones shattering – and the man screamed, crumpling to the ground. Jared was panicking, Jensen could see him starting to hyperventilate, confused, half sedated, and the air was growing thicker, heavier, like a physical force pressing on them. Whatever control Misha might have helped Jared gain was lost in a haze of the sedatives, the fear and panic. The bed started to rattle, to shake, to rise off the ground. The bedside table started to slide away from it, forces pushing things away, away from Jared -

‘Kill it!’ Mark yelled. ‘Kill the fucking thing – ’

The man who’d had the needle had gotten to his feet again, made a lunge, and his entire body seemed to hit something hard, propelling him backwards, then back again, then back until he was pressed, _pressed_ against the wall, frozen, eyes bulging, mouth open in terror –

The man started to scream. Bones started to shatter, crumple, break, his entire body crumpling like it was under a huge force. The man with the broken wrist was backing away, horror on his face.

‘Jesus Christ – _Jesus fucking_ – ’

And Jared was kneeling on the bed, face twisted, eyes screwed half shut, blood pouring from his nose, head swinging from side to side.

‘ – _leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone_ – ’ he was muttering.

Mark tore his eyes from the steadily flattening man, whipped his gun to point at Jared. Jared’s eyes focused on him, the body of the man collapsed from the wall in a broken heap, and instead Mark went flying sideways, across the room, smashed against a wall and collapsed into a heap, gun clattering to the ground next to him.

Jensen realised the men holding him had slackened their grip, and he yanked loose. The movement jolted one of the men, who made a grab for him again.

‘You – ’

‘Don’t!’ Jared shouted.

And the man’s head twisted, spun, there was a sickening crack, his neck snapped and the body dropped to the ground. Jensen’s stomach surged, mouth dry with horror.

‘ _Fuck this – fuck this_ – ‘ the other man was backing away, running for the door, grabbing the handle, yanking desperately, but the door didn’t budge, the pressure of the room, of the air, sealing it, keeping it closed.

The blood was pulsing from Jared’s ears now, thick and oozing.

The man with the broken wrist fumbled with his belt, pulled another gun out with his one still-good hand, thinking the attention was elsewhere and he aimed, fired, the gunshot a crack in the air – the aim true –

‘Jared!’ Jensen shouted.

But he needn't have worried - the bullet exited, the force radiating from Jared instantly caught it, forced the bullet back at incredible speed and it slammed straight into the man’s head instead, killing him instantly. The force was even pushing Jensen back from the bed, he could physically feel himself sliding across the ground, inch by inch, away from Jared. There was a groan from behind him and he turned, saw the man at the door was now plastered against it, pinned, eyes doing the same bulging thing as the other man's had.

‘Make – im – stop – please – ’ the man managed to get out.

Jensen swung his head back around to look to Jared, horror coursing through him as he saw the blood - from Jared's nose, his ears, and now leaking from beneath his _eyelids_ – Jared had to stop, _had to stop_ , it was _killing_ him, whatever he was doing was _killing him_ –

‘Jared!’ he shouted, and pushed to his feet, tried to step forward. ‘ _Jared_!’

The force was unyielding, and he tried to push against it, tried to step closer to Jared, to the bed. He could feel the power pushing at him – felt the sheer pressure of it split his skin in long cuts up his arms –

‘Jared _please_ , sweetheart,’ the words tumbled out in a gasping plea, 'you need to stop – _you need to stop_ – ’

Jared didn’t seem to hear, had clenched his eyes shut, swaying on the bed, mouth moving in a continuous mutter.

There was sudden crashing, noises and shouting from outside the cottage. People were here – people had come – and Jensen didn’t know if it was more of Mark’s men, or if it was Misha with reinforcements, but there was no way anyone was getting in if Jared kept this up.

‘Sweetheart,’ he tried to inch forward again. ‘Jared – please, it’s me, _it’s me_ – it’s over now – please – stop – it’s _me_ – ’

Banging, shouting from outside. This time he could make out a voice. Misha.

‘ _Jensen! Jensen!_ ’

Jensen pushed forward a tiny inch. ‘Jay, please I – ’ his voice wavered, stumbled, ‘please, I love you, _I love you_ , I need you to stop sweetheart – I love you, ok _I love you_ – _please_ -’

And the pressure eased.

And Jared opened his eyes, blinked.

‘Jensen?’ he whispered.

Then the bed dropped with a terrific crash to the ground, the pressure vanished completely. The man at the door crumpled to a heap, broken, unmoving. Relief flooded Jensen, and he started to stumble towards the bed, arms outstretched.

‘Yeah, it’s me, it’s me sweetheart,’ he babbled, ‘you’re ok, we’re ok, it’s ok – it’s ok now – ’

Jared gave a hoarse sob, swaying on the bed, started to crawl across it towards him, his body a shaking mess.

‘Jensen, Jensen, I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I didn’t mean – I didn’t mean to – ’

Jensen shook his head. ‘It’s ok – it’s ok sweetheart’ he rushed to say.

Jared reached the end of the bed, swung his legs over and stood, shakily, then stumbled towards Jensen, and started to half fall into Jensen’s outstretched arms.

Then everything seemed to happen at once.

There was movement, on the floor, from Mark. From where the man had fallen, had lain, seemingly unconscious. A flash of metal. A click.

The door burst open.

Misha’s voice.

‘ _Watch out_!’

Then two gunshots – sharp, deafening – in quick succession.

A wailing scream from Mark.

And Jared – _Jared_ – already half falling into Jensen’s arms – at the first gunshot, at that first crack of noise - Jared’s whole body jerked with a noise like a grunt mixed with all the air being punched from his lungs. There was a spray of something red, warm – _blood, it was blood, it was Jared’s blood_ – across Jensen’s front.

Then Jared fell forward, landing in his arms as a dead weight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides* I'm sorry, I'm sorry!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, so sorry this took so long, especially after leaving y’all on such a terrible cliff-hanger. Unfortunately my brain was being an uncooperative jerk the past week and on top of that I had life’s craziness taking up my precious writing time.  
> Second of all, to those who notice the chapter count flicking to 18 – DO NOT FEAR!! I’m just adding a short epilogue, because I wanted to do a little wrap-up and I figured I owed you guys something a little less… angsty to end on.  
> Third of all, full disclaimer I am, shockingly, NOT a doctor so forgive me any medical mistakes and...  
> Fourthly as per usual, love to all the comments/screaming haha. You’re all the absolute best <3

Jensen was numb.

There must be a limit to the amount that a human could feel, he figured, before it just became too much and everything became… numb.

It was no surprise that over the past few hours, Jensen had well and truly hit and _surpassed_ this limit.

The plastic chair of the hospital waiting room dug painfully into the backs of his legs and the thin sweat pants he’d thrown on hastily did nothing against the overly air-conditioned room. The threadbare t-shirt was sticking and catching on the tacky, dried substance he could feel over his chest.

_Dried substance?_

_Dried blood_ , Jensen forced himself to acknowledge. The slowly flaking, dried blood that was still smeared against his chest. _Jared’s blood_.

There were other people in the waiting room; a few kept staring, a few were pointedly trying _not_ to stare. He didn’t care. He knew how he looked – his nose was swollen, not fully scrubbed free of all the blood, two black eyes purpling nicely, another bruise on his cheek bone, his arms hastily bandaged, dried blood on his hands, under his fingernails, feet bare and blood stained. He looked terrifying.

Good. He _should_ look terrifying. People _should_ be afraid of him. Because he _hurt_ people, he _hurt_ those he loved just by being around them – people _should_ be afraid to be near him and –

Jensen swallowed, closed his eyes. Tried to control his thoughts, but they were spiralling, tumbling, and the numbness was receding in a wave of images, of memories, being replaced by pain, twisted anguish and -

**

_\- Panic._

_There was nothing but panic and fear and confusion and Jensen’s knees buckled and folded underneath the weight of Jared’s form. He dropped down, hit the ground._

_‘Jared?’ his voice sounded high, panicked, even to his own ears, ‘Jay!’_

_He had his arms around Jared, and there was something hot and wet and sticky on the younger man’s back and Jensen’s brain was screaming that it was blood – it was_ blood _– but the thought was too terrifying, too horrible to comprehend. He pulled back, Jared’s weight floppy and limp, tried to grab the younger man’s face and catch his eyes._

_‘Jared – Jay – sweetheart – answer me! Jared!’_

_And Jared’s eyelids fluttered, his eyes rolling a little, glazed and unfocused. There was blood all over his face from the psychic powers, his head was lolling and he gave a cough and blood bubbled on his lips, between his teeth and_ oh god, oh no no _-_

_‘- oh god, oh no, no no, oh no, oh god no – ’_

_Someone was talking, an almost piteous moaning, and it took a second before Jensen realized it was_ him, he _was talking, a stream of words from his mouth. His mind was spinning, careering out of control because this couldn’t be happening,_ this couldn’t be happening _, Jared was heavy in his arms and bleeding and shot and -_

_Then suddenly someone was there, was grabbing Jared’s form by the shoulders. An inhuman growl mingled with a cry burst from Jensen’s throat and he instinctively dragged the younger man closer, desperately, protectively, because no, no one could take Jared from him,_ no one could _, not even_ death _, Jared was_ his _to protect, to save –_

_Misha reached out, grabbed Jensen by the chin. ‘Jensen,’ his voice was sharp, commanding, ‘listen to me – it’s_ me _– it’s Misha - you need to let go – you need to let him go. I have to have a look.’_

_His words registered, filtered through the haze of panic, and Jensen blinked, Misha’s face swimming into focus. The doctor grasped Jared’s shoulders gently, meaningfully and Jensen swallowed, but released his hold, reluctantly, hesitatingly. Misha settled Jared back on the ground, on his side, inspecting his back, inspecting the bullet wound. He stripped off his over-shirt, tore it into two, shoved one half at Jensen, then bundled his half._

_'What – ’ Jensen said._

_‘This might hurt’ the doctor said._

_Then he was pressing the fabric against the wound, hard, tight, and Jared made a pained noise, lips parting, more blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth. His hands feebly clenched and unclenched and Jensen seized one, grabbed it tight._

_‘The exit wound, Jensen,’ Misha said sharply, ‘you need to press it against the exit wound.’_

_Jensen looked at the wadded half of the shirt, felt panic close his throat at the thought of pressing it against the wound, hurting Jared –_

_‘Jensen, now!’_

_Jensen gave a hoarse sob, braced himself and then, still gripping Jared’s hand, he used the other to press the wadded cloth against the steadily growing dark patch on Jared’s chest. Jared made another noise and Jensen’s stomach twisted, plunged._

_‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he babbled, lowering his head, trying to catch Jared’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m sorry – ’_

_Jared’s eyes were closing, half-mast._

_'Hey – hey, stay with me, stay with me, please, god, please stay with me – ’ Jensen begged, pleaded, squeezing Jared’s hand._

_There was the sound of footsteps and Misha was shouting at someone over Jensen’s shoulder – words like “hospital” and “paramedics” and “ready the transport” – but Jensen barely heard them, focused on Jared’s steadily paling face, the fluttering eyelashes._

_‘Jay, please’ Jensen’s voice broke._

_Jared’s eyes fluttered once, his mouth moved silently, wordlessly, his face tightened with pain._

_‘Jen – ’ blood and spittle from his lips._

_‘Don’t – you’re ok – you’re ok – you’re gonna be fine, you’re gonna be just fine, ok, don’t talk’ Jensen pleaded._

_Jared tried to make another noise, panic crept into those glazed hazel eyes and there was a horrible, wheezy rattle from his mouth, getting harsher and more pronounced. His hand suddenly tightened it’s grip on Jensen’s._

_‘Jared?!’ Jensen felt his panic spike._

_Jared met his eyes, his gaze wide, terrified, the terrible wheezing huffing from between his lips and Jensen realised, horrified, that he couldn’t breathe,_ Jared couldn’t breathe _– his head swung to Misha._

_‘Misha!’ he cried. ‘He can’t – there’s – Misha - do something! Please god, do something!’_

_Then there was a flurry of footsteps, of activity, and hands were pulling at him, tugging him away from Jared and he fought, and struggled, until a familiar face was in front of him – Rich – shouting at him to calm down, that it wasn’t helping anyone, to stop panicking, and all the while Jared’s lips were grower bluer, his eyes closing and –_

**

Jensen sucked in a breath, eyes flying open at the memories assaulting him. His stomach turned, mouth dry, and he was suddenly stumbling to the nearest bin, falling beside it and retching. Bile burned his throat, through his broken nose, his empty stomach clenching painfully.

The rest had been a blur. Paramedics, FBI agents. Mark screaming obscenities, his hand a bloodied mess. Rich shoving clothes at him, telling him - _no_ \- _helping_ him to get dressed. The paramedics surrounding Jared - Misha saying something about pneumothorax – decompression needles – the needle into Jared’s chest – the words “respiratory failure” – “bagging the patient” – the bag-valve mask. It was all a whirl of words and activity.

There had been a helicopter waiting, to transport Jared to the hospital, and Jensen had refused to let them go without him. There had been paramedics fussing over him, trying to mop the blood from his face, set his nose, and bandage his arms where Jared’s power had literally split his skin. He let them do the bare minimum and no more.

And then the hospital, Misha taking charge, calmly stating that it was his patient, he would be the surgeon – Jared on the gurney – pale, blood-covered, the bag-valve mask attached to his face – hands stopping Jensen, people stopping him from following them as they vanished through the doors towards the operating theatre. And Jensen – Jensen left in a waiting room, alone, alone, with no idea – no idea if Jared was – if he would –

‘Jensen?’

Jensen blinked open eyes that he hadn’t realized he’d shut. He was still crouched on the ground, huddled over the waste bin, the cold of the floor seeping through his pants to his knees.

Rich dropped to a crouch next to him, settled a hand on his back gently. ‘You ok?’

Jensen swallowed, shook his head. ‘You said – ’ his voice was a hoarse croak, ‘you _said_ he was in California – you _said_ he was there – you told me it was ok, Rich, _you told me it was safe_!’

His voice was rising to a shout, words loud and he could see heads turning, but fuck them, _fuck them all_. He was already blood and sweat soaked and puking into a bin, why not add raving lunatic to the list?

‘I know, Jensen,’ Rich said softly, ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

‘What the fuck happened Rich?’ Jensen demanded.

Rich sighed sadly, tugged on Jensen’s shirt. ‘C’mon, why don’t we sit somewhere more comfortable?’

Jensen rose slowly, stiffly, and followed Rich at a stumble to one of the chairs, his bodyguard gently pushing him down to sit.

‘Mark had someone,’ Rich started, ‘in the FBI. Probably always has. Doctored the pictures of Mark in California. But he caved – spilled the beans, we booked it back here as soon as we knew. I - we all tried – to get a hold of Rob, to warn him, the whole flight back, but – but by that time. I guess – Mark had already gotten there – ’

Jensen made a choked off noise, pressed his hands to his face, relished the pain it bought as he pressed against bruised skin.

‘Oh, Christ, Rich – _Rob_ , Rob he’s – ’

‘No, no, Jensen, Rob’s alive – he’s alive’ Rich rushed to correct him.

Jensen dropped his hands, startled. ‘How – ’

‘Kevlar,’ Rich supplied, ‘the idiots shot him in the chest, the force of it knocked him down, he cracked his head on the porch, knocked him unconscious, but they didn’t – they didn’t check - _amateurs_ , god knows where Pellegrino got them – he’s got a concussion, but he’s ok, he’s ok Jensen.’

‘The girls?’

‘Drugged to high heaven, but once it wears off they’ll be fine,’ Rich said. ‘Once they’re more coherent we’ll send for them to come to the hospital.’

Jensen hesitated a moment, then spoke, voice shaking. ‘And Tahmoh…?’

Rich’s face fell. ‘I’m sorry, Jensen,’ he said gently. ‘There was – there was nothing anyone could have done. He died instantly.’

‘Fuck,’ a choked noise escaped Jensen’s mouth and he dropped his head to his hands, ‘fuck, _fuck_.’

He took a moment, collected himself. ‘There’s a girl,’ he said, ‘a bartender at Spruce Goose. I don’t know if she’s… Mark mentioned her. You should… someone needs to check. I don’t. Christ, I don’t even know her name. _Fuck_.’

Rich nodded, pulled his phone out and began tapping at the screen. ‘I’ll have someone check it out’ he said.

Jensen didn’t answer. Wondered if they’d find an injured girl or a dead body. Another dead body on his head. More blood on his hands.

‘As far as I can figure – from everything, what we’ve been told, Misha – he was in his van, sleeping,’ Rich started to explain, ‘and they must’ve – must’ve just thought it was a wreck, didn’t think anyone would live in it – ’

Jensen had a sudden flash of memory – of asking Misha why his van was covered in “rust paint.” _“Camouflage”_ the doctor had answered. Turned out he’d been right.

‘ - anyway, once he woke up – went to the main house, found Rob, he realised something must’ve happened – he was on the phone to me instantly, we were close, already on our way – he told us we’d need an ambulance, paramedics. When we got there – ’ Rich paused, took a breath, ‘ – Jensen, I don’t. I don’t know what happened. What went on. But the instant we pulled up… our electronics, everything was going haywire. And we – it was like the door to the cottage was sealed shut – and the place – the entire place was _shaking_. Misha – when it stopped – told us to wait, said he needed to go in first – he had Kim’s shotgun. We heard the gunshots – the blast – he blew three of Mark’s fingers off.’

‘Good ’ Jensen said savagely.

‘Jensen… ’ Rich started, ‘I have to know… the cottage, like I said, it was like… it was like it was shaking and…’

He stopped. Jensen swallowed, stared at his hands.

‘The bodies of Mark’s men,’ Rich finally continued flatly, ‘looked like someone had rolled some of them over with a steamroller, or thrown them from the top of a building. They were crushed, Jensen. _Crushed_.’

‘He’s not dangerous’ was all Jensen could say.

‘Jensen – ’

‘He’s not, Rich, he’s _not_ ,’ Jensen lifted his gaze to stare pleadingly at Rich, ‘he’s not dangerous. He – Christ – he saved my life. The girl’s lives. He _saved_ us.’

Rich was a silent for a moment, his expression thoughtful. ‘Ok,’ he said finally, ‘ok if you say he’s not dangerous, he’s not dangerous.’

‘And… and so… what – the FBI – are they gonna… do they know… it was Jared? Is… will they…?’

Rich ran a hand through his hair. ‘Mark is talking,’ he admitted. ‘He’s talking about “the freak with the powers” – ’

Jensen felt a flare of anger at the term. ‘He’s _not_ a fre – ’

‘His words, Jensen, not mine,’ Rich interrupted. ‘The thing is, Mark’s words aside, and… and well the fact that they _suspect_ something weird went down, they have no way to actually know for sure that Jared did anything. And your friend Jim Beaver is on his way – ’

‘Jim knows’ Jensen said.

Rich bobbed his head. ‘Figured as much. He’s got FBI connections, he’s got sway. Hopefully he can smooth things over. Your doctor friend might help – turns out he’s pretty well-known in FBI circles as well. One word from him for everyone to stay back and no one was arguing…’ Rich shook his head, huffed a humourless laugh. ““Special doctor.” Christ. Should’ve known something was up.’

Jensen dropped his gaze back to his hands again. Rich sighed softly, reached out and gave Jensen’s shoulder a squeeze.

‘I really am sorry, Jensen,’ he said quietly. ‘We – _I_ should’ve been there. I’m sorry.’

Jensen shook his head. ‘Not your fault, Rich.’

_My fault_ , his brain whispered.

There was a flurry of activity and Rich turned to look.

‘Looks like your parents are here,’ he gave Jensen’s shoulder another squeeze, ‘I better get back to the feds. Everything… everything will be ok, Jensen, I’m sure… just. Your boy’s a tough kid. It’ll be ok.’

Jensen didn’t reply, just felt the clench of fear in his gut, the churn of guilt, pain and sadness, swallowed hard, his head bowed. He heard footsteps rapidly approaching and Donna Ackles descended on him within moments of Rich’s departure, pulling him up from the chair and enveloping him in a tight, bone-crunching hug.

‘Oh god, sweetheart, I’m so relieved – I’m _so_ relieved you’re ok – _so relieved_ , sweetheart,’ his mother babbled.

She drew back, cupped his face and her eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh, honey, you – your poor face – are you ok? You should be lying down, you should be resting – ’

‘We have a hotel room,’ Alan was behind Donna, face creased in worry, ‘we can take you there – you can get some rest – ’

Jensen shook his head vehemently, gesturing with a hand. ‘No – no – I’m not – I can’t leave - my – Jared – he’s - ’

And suddenly having his Mum there, the familiar scent of her perfume, the comfort of her presence overwhelmed him and his eyes were filling with tears, any and all self-control crumpling, crashing in a wave of agony and sadness. He all but collapsed into her arms, a sob wrenching itself from his throat, a desperate plea for his Mum. Wanting her to make it better, like she had when he was young, needing his Mum to fix it, even though, logically he knew she couldn’t. Instantly, Donna’s arms were tightening around him, holding him close. She eased them both down into the chairs, side by side, drew back a little to wipe at the tears running down Jensen’s face.

‘Sweetheart,’ she said, searching eyes scanning his face, and there must’ve been something, or maybe it was just mother’s intuition, because a realisation dawned on her face, ‘oh, honey, _oh_ … that’s… he’s… The house. The wanting to stay. I should’ve known. Oh, _sweetheart_.’

Jensen’s face crumpled again and he gave a hiccupping sob. ‘Ma,’ the words were thick and choked, ‘Ma – he’s – I don’t know if he’s – I don’t know – ’ He crumpled once more, dissolving into tears.

Donna drew him close, tightened her grip. ‘Come here, sweetie, it’s going to be ok,’ she murmured, stroking up and down his back, ‘it’s going to be ok. Your boy will be just fine, ok? I promise, sweetheart, everything will be ok.’

Hours – Jensen lost track of how many – but _hours_ passed in the waiting room. He curled on his mother’s lap, exhausted, emotionally, physically, head and chest on her lap as she stroked his hair, like he was five years old again, and he was thankful, _so_ thankful for her being there, holding him even as he fell apart. Alan didn’t seem to have had the same realisation that Donna had about Jared, but he seemed to understand that the boy in surgery was important to Jensen in some way. He’d slipped to the front desk quietly, and Jensen registered faintly that it most likely meant all medical expenses would be taken care of.

Then Misha walked into the waiting room.

Jensen was up and standing in a flash, stumbling slightly in his hurry.

‘Misha!’ he half tumbled towards the doctor. ‘Misha – god – is he –? Is - ?’

Misha held up both hands placating. ‘He’s alive, Jensen’ he said.

‘Oh – thank God – _thank God_ – oh, god’ the words fell from Jensen’s mouth in a rush.

He felt his knees buckle, the relief so _strong_ , so _overwhelming_ , he almost collapsed to the ground. He felt the supporting form of his Mum behind him, the gentle press of her hands keeping him upright. Then, just as quickly as the relief came, it went, because Jensen realised Misha wasn’t smiling. Wasn’t happy. Wasn’t relieved. He steadied himself, straightened.

‘There’s… there’s something else’ he said.

Misha nodded. ‘He’s alive, Jensen, but it’s… it’s not good,’ he said quietly. ‘The bullet – I mean, all things considered, he got lucky – it punctured his lung, shattered a few ribs, he lost of fair amount of blood, but it missed anything vital, missed his heart by a narrow margin. It’s just…’

Misha’s eyes flickered to Donna and Alan behind Jensen, and something clicked in Jensen’s head. He turned to his parents.

‘Guys, could you… could we have a second?’ he asked.

Alan looked like he might protest, but Donna only nodded, stepping back and grabbing her husband’s arm firmly.

‘Come on, Alan,’ she said, then to Jensen, ‘we’ll go get you some food and some proper clothing, sweetheart. We’ll be back soon.’

Jensen nodded as they left, then turned back to Misha. The doctor’s face was grave, serious.

‘What is it?’ he pressed.

‘Look… I – I have no idea what Jared did back there, at the cottage,’ Misha started, keeping his voice low, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it before. The magnitude of power that Jared exhibited. The entire cottage was vibrating, Jensen. Jared’s never displayed anything like that before – not with his uncle, his foster parents, anytime in his past. I can only surmise it was a combination of the sedation relaxing his mind, allowing more of the power to become unfettered, and of seeing someone he loved in danger.’

‘Me’ Jensen swallowed.

_My fault_ , his brain whispered again.

‘Whatever the reason – the – the impact of using that much of his ability,’ Misha shook his head, ‘it’s – he’s…’ he sighed, met Jensen’s gaze, ‘Jared’s in a coma, Jensen.’

And Jensen felt a little like the world fell away from beneath his feet, his stomach plunged. He thought he might be sick again.

‘A – a coma?’ his voice came out high, strangled. ‘But – what does – I mean – will he -? What does that mean? Is he going to be all right??’

‘I’ll be honest, Jensen,’ Misha admitted softly, ‘I have no idea.’

‘No idea? How can you have _no idea_?’ the hot spike of anger was irrational, was directed at the situation, not at Misha, but Jensen couldn’t help it, it felt good to yell, to lash out. ‘You’re supposed to be the expert! _You’re a fucking doctor_! How can you _not know_?’

Misha didn’t so much as blink an eyelid at Jensen’s shouting. ‘I am a doctor, yes,’ he replied levelly, ‘but Jared goes beyond basic medical school training, wouldn’t you say? I might have a little more experience, a little more knowledge about Jared and his abilities, but I won’t pretend I’m an expert. There is so much I don’t know about him, about what he can do. A lot of that comes from Jared’s own hesitance to let me investigate, to let me explore his abilities – ’

‘ _Don’t_ ,’ Jensen snarled, ‘don’t you _dare_ blame him, just because he didn’t want to be your _fucking science experiment_ – ’

Misha blew out a sigh. ‘I’m not blaming…’ he stopped, shook his head. ‘I can only tell you what I know Jensen. And that’s that Jared is weak, _so weak_ – the trauma of the gunshot and the impact of using his abilities on that big a scale has taken a toll on him. This coma is the result; the body’s way of shutting down, trying to heal, trying to preserve itself.’

‘But – he’s – but he’s going to wake up from it, right?’ Jensen’s rage deflated, left him with nothing but a sense of being adrift, lost.

Misha looked sympathetic. ‘I don’t know, Jensen,’ he said. ‘It... that’s up to Jared. It’s… it’s in his hands now.’

Jensen put his hand to his face and bit back the overwhelming urge to scream, to cry, to fall to the ground and beat at the floor like a four year old throwing a tantrum. This _wasn’t fair_ , _none_ of this was fair, after _everything_ Jared had been through, to have _this_ happen, to have him fighting for his life –

_My fault_ , his brain whispered once more.

‘He’s being settled in a private room in the ICU now,’ Misha gently touched his arm, ‘if you’d like to see him.’

Jensen dropped his hands limply to his sides and nodded dumbly.

 

***

 

Misha warned him not to be alarmed by the wires, and Jensen had registered the advice, but it still didn’t prepare him for stepping into the room and seeing Jared lying on the bed, wires protruding left, right and centre, a nasal cannula hooked beneath the younger man’s nose, his face stark white, darkened circles beneath his eyes, somehow looking so much younger, so much smaller in the bed. The sight was like a punch to the gut, momentarily knocking the air from his lungs, tightening his throat, making him wobble and sway. He opened his mouth to speak, to say something, but nothing came out.

Misha gently patted his arm and moved to step back out of the room. ‘I’ll give you some privacy’ he said.

And suddenly Jensen found his voice.

‘You should’ve killed Mark.’

Misha paused. Jensen turned to lock eyes with the doctor.

‘You should’ve shot him in the head and killed him.’

Misha met his gaze calmly. ‘As a doctor, I try to make a point _not_ to kill people’ he answered.

Jensen clenched his fists. ‘He deserved it.’

‘That’s not for me to decide’ Misha replied levelly.

Jensen snorted in disgust, turned away. ‘Just go’ he spat.

Somewhere in his mind he knew it wasn’t fair, to keep lashing out, pushing at Misha – Misha, who had undoubtedly _saved_ Jared’s life – but it felt good to be angry at someone, at _anyone_. Misha, to his credit, didn’t rise to the bait, simply inclined his head and slipped from the room.

Jensen stood at the doorway for a moment, unable to move, staring at the figure on the bed. It took him a few minutes before he could make his feet lift, before he could take those stumbling steps towards the bed. He finally reached the bedside and slowly, almost robotically sat down at the chair already pulled up at the side of the bed, his eyes locked unblinkingly on Jared’s still face.

‘Jared?’ he whispered, the word almost like a question.

Like Jared would answer. Like Jared would open those hazel eyes and give him a dimpled smile. Like Jared was just sleeping. _Like Jared wasn’t in a fucking coma._

Jared lay still, unresponsive. The only sound was the beeping of the monitors that measured each heartbeat, each breath.

_‘Jared’_ and this time the word was a broken sob, anguished and twisted.

He reached for Jared’s hand, brushed his fingertips over the cool flesh, then yanked his hand back like he’d been burned. He didn’t deserve to touch, to hold, to glean any sort of comfort. He didn’t deserve it.

_My fault,_ his brain hissed.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered brokenly, ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Jared. I’m so sorry. I’m _so sorry_.’

There was no reply and Jensen thought that was sort of fitting, because he didn’t deserve forgiveness. Didn’t deserve comfort.

‘My fault,’ he put his head into his hands, ‘my fault, I’m _so fucking sorry_. My fucking fault.’

 

**

 

Gen and Kim arrived about an hour later.

Jensen wasn’t really sure he’d moved in that time. He’d sat hunched in the chair, staring at his hands, his mind a jumbled mess, flashes of images, one after the other. His chest felt tight, constricted, his throat felt closed, dry and he tried to keep himself in control, tried to remember, to remind himself how to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out.

_In…_

\- Jared, blood streaming from his face, power thrumming from his body -

_Out…_

\- Tahmoh, in the stables, a gunshot through his head -

_In…_

\- Jared, body jolting, blood spraying out -

_Out…_

\- Body tumbling into his arms, heavy, blood thick between his fingers -

_In…_

\- Mark, the knife in his mouth, the metallic taste of cold steel, Mark sneering and smiling at him -

_Out…_

\- His goddamn fault. His goddamn fault. _His goddamn fault_ -

It was the door opening that jolted him from the never-ending cycle of images, of thoughts, of self-loathing and guilt. He raised his head and saw Gen and Kim step through. Both looked pale, washed out, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed. They’d been crying, he could tell, and he wondered if it was for Jared, for Tahmoh, for the ordeal they’d been through, or a combination of it all.

Gen’s eyes zeroed in on Jared and she made a soft noise, starting forward immediately, rushing to the bed. She went to the other side, opposite Jensen, never once looking at him, and took the seat there, reaching and grabbing Jared’s hand, lacing her fingers with his limp ones.

‘Jared…’ she murmured, blinking rapidly, eyes tearing up.

Jensen felt his stomach twist. He didn’t blame Gen for not looking at him, not acknowledging him. He wondered how much she hated him now. He wondered when she’d snap and yell and scream and found he wanted it, wanted her to rant, wanted her to tell him all the things he was telling himself, would relish the cutting lash of every word.

‘Ah, kiddo’ Kim sighed as she walked forward, reaching the bed and giving Jared’s sheet covered foot a squeeze.

She looked up and smiled sadly at Jensen. It made his stomach twist even more. Kim stepped towards him.

‘Glad you’re ok, kid’ she said, reaching to hug him.

Jensen sucked in a breath at her approach, lurched to his feet and pushed back, sending the chair skittering with a squeal across the hospital floor.

‘ _Don’t_!’ he shouted.

Kim stopped, arms still outstretched. Gen looked up from Jared’s face.

‘Jensen?’ Kim’s face creased with worry.

‘Don’t – I don’t – ’ Jensen started to breathe a little hard. He shook his head. ‘I don’t – ’

_I don’t deserve your sympathy. I don’t deserve it._

Suddenly, he skittered around the chair, started to stumble from the room.

‘I have to – I have to go, I have to – ’

‘Jensen?’ Kim started towards him. ‘Jensen, what – ’

But Jensen had already ducked from the room, the door shutting behind him, finding himself half running, half stumbling down the hallway. His eyes zeroed in on the sign for the men’s bathroom and he lurched towards it, pushing the door open and stumbling inside. He made for a cubicle, ducked in, locked the door behind him and stood for a moment, panting, hands braced against the door.

He tried for a moment to regain control, to reign in the emotions, but it was too much, and suddenly he was so angry, so upset, and it was too much – _it was too fucking much_ , that he’d fucked up and Mark had found them –

He drew back and slammed his fist into the door.

\- that he’d bought that man into Kim’s house, that he’d been the reason Mark had been there –

He punched the door again, the wood splintered, his knuckles split.

\- that Tahmoh had been killed –

Another punch, bones grating against wood, against each other.

\- that Jared had had to protect him, had used his powers, had been shot –

Warm blood trickled from split skin and the pain shot up his arm at the next punch.

\- that Jared was in a coma, that he might not wake up –

‘Fuck!’ Jensen exploded. ‘Fuck! Fuck! _Fucking fuck_!’

He slammed his fist into the door one last time, the wood splintering, his fist going through the door, scratching up his hand and arm. He wrenched his arm back, fell sideways against the cubicle wall, chest heavy, felt hot wetness on his face. His legs trembled, gave way and he slid, sunk to sit, hunched in the toilet cubicle, knees drawn to his chest. He pressed his unhurt fist to his mouth to muffle the sobs, clenched his eyes shut against the onslaught of tears.

Eventually his sobs, punching painfully from his chest, clogging his already painful nose, swelling already swollen eyes, started to die away and he let both hands fall limply to the ground. He sat, staring at the cubicle wall, staring but not seeing, the misery settling heavy and thick on his shoulders, pushing down on him, weighing on him. He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to fall into blissful darkness and not think, not feel – not wake up. Not open his eyes ever again.

Jensen had no idea how long he sat there on the floor, one hand throbbing painfully, welcoming each pulse of pain, relishing it, telling himself he deserved it, before he heard the bathroom door open and footsteps.

‘Jensen?’

It was Gen.

Jensen rested his head against the wall and decided against answering, hoping she’d go away. There was a knock on his cubicle door. He registered her eyes peering through the splintered hole.

‘Jensen’ Gen said again.

‘Occupied’ Jensen said roughly.

There was a snort. ‘Right.’

Her slim arm slipped through the hole he’d made, reached easily around and unlocked the cubicle door. Jensen stiffened as Gen slipped through the gap into the tiny space.

‘This is the men’s bathroom’ he told her flatly.

‘Really? I hadn’t noticed’ Gen rolled her eyes, shut the door and squeezed herself into a sitting position opposite him.

Her eyes flickered over his hand.

‘You should put some ice on that’ she commented.

Jensen moved to cover the split knuckles with his other hand. ‘It’s fine’ he said shortly.

‘Sure’ Gen said with a roll of her eyes.

There was a moment of silence between them.

‘You know, Tahmoh said something to me, just recently,’ Gen said finally.

Jensen’s stomach clenched painfully at the mention of Tahmoh and he braced himself, wondering if this was it, if this was how Gen tore into him, with painful reminders of the death and injuries he’d caused.

‘He, ah, I don’t know – we were talking and he made some reference to my past – the whole… the robbing thing,’ Gen continued, seemingly oblivious to Jensen’s tensing. ‘And I got _so_ mad at him – so angry. Told him that had nothing to do with who I was now, that my past had nothing to do with me now. And he gave me this look – this _look_ , and I – I guess it clicked. What he was trying to get at. That I’m so gung-ho about people not judging me for the things _I’ve_ done… but there I was judging _you_ for _your_ past, from what _you’ve_ done. And… and I guess… I guess I wanted to say, you know, you’re no more the billionaire playboy than I am a homeless thief and I’m so –‘

‘ _Don’t,_ ’ Jensen cut across, harshly. ‘Don’t say it. I don’t – I don’t deserve - ’

Because that wasn’t what she was supposed to do. Gen wasn’t supposed to come in and forgive him. _That wasn’t how this was supposed to go._

Gen had paused, staring at him. Jensen closed his eyes, shook his head.

‘You were right’ he croaked.

‘You’ll have to be more specific’ Gen said, her voice neutral.

Jensen felt the telltale prickle of tears and swallowed hard, forcing them back.

‘I should never have come to Kim’s, I should never have – I ruined _everything_ , I ruined your lives, it’s my fault, it’s _my_ _goddamn fault_ that Tahmoh is dead, that _Jared_ – ’ his voice hitched, caught painfully, ‘ – it’s my fucking fault. I should never have come to Kim’s. They should’ve… they should’ve fucking killed me that night with the plastic bag. _They should’ve killed me then_.’

His words died away and he lifted his good hand to press it against his face, bit back the sobs that threatened to burst out.

‘Well, that’s a load of crap’ Gen said.

Jensen dropped his hand, lifted his head and blinked watery eyes at her. ‘What?’

Gen sighed. ‘I… that isn’t…’ she paused, then took a breath. ‘It’s not your fault. None of it is.’

‘It _is_ ,’ Jensen croaked, ‘it _is_. It’s my fault Mark came to Kim’s, it’s my fault he found us, it’s – ’

‘You weren’t the one who pulled the trigger, on Tahmoh or on Jared,’ Gen cut across. ‘You didn’t hurt either of them. It’s not your fault, Jensen.’

Jensen closed his eyes, tears trickled from beneath his eye lids, and he shook his head in denial.

‘Do you think,’ Gen started quietly, ‘it’s my fault that Jared has those scars on his chest?’

Jensen’s eyes snapped open. ‘Gen, _no_ – ’ he started.

‘Exactly,’ Gen said softly, and met his gaze steadily, ‘I didn’t carve those symbols into Jared’s chest any more than you pulled that trigger. The only people – the _only_ ones, who are at fault here are the twisted sons of bitches who did those things. They are the _only_ people to blame, you understand me?’

Jensen swallowed.

‘Lord knows I’m not exactly the best person to talk about self-forgiveness,’ Gen huffed humourless laugh, ‘if you haven’t exactly noticed, I hold a lot of guilt. Every time I see Jared – I just think – I picture – and I wonder, if I hadn’t run, if I had done something that day,’ she sighed, shook her head, ‘but I can tell you, it doesn’t do anything. This guilt. This blaming yourself. All it does is eat you alive, every day. It’s not your fault what happened. And it’s not mine either.’

She lifted a hand, ran it through her dark hair, hesitating.

‘And… and I wasn’t right,’ her words came in a tumble, ‘ _you_ were. You were right. When you told me – when you told me he was happy. He was. He was _so_ happy. You made him happy, Jensen. Happier than… than he’s probably ever been in the entire shit show that’s been his life. And if… if he – if he doesn’t make it,’ her voice was a little thick, tight now, ‘if he doesn’t… well, you gave him the last few months, and that – that counts. I’m glad he got that. That bit of happiness – for once, in all his years. You gave it to him and you should never regret that, ok? You should _never_.’

She rubbed at her eyes, swiping away tears, then looked at him.

‘If there’s anyone… if Jared’s going to wake up for anyone, it’ll be for you,’ she told him, ‘you need to be in that room. You need to be with him. He _needs_ you, Jensen, right now. Now more than ever. Don’t… don’t flake out on him now, ok?’

Jensen swallowed hard, Gen’s face blurring a little with tears. He felt himself nodding, felt her words sink in a little, felt them resonate inside him.

‘Yeah,’ he said, then stronger. ‘Yeah, ok.’

Gen smiled. ‘Ok’ she agreed.

Jensen wiped the tears from his eyes. ‘Thanks, Gen.’

Gen huffed a little laugh. ‘Yeah, yeah,’ her voice was a little rough, ‘just… just don’t go thinking this means I like you or anything.’

Jensen laughed wetly. ‘Duly noted.’

Gen clamoured to her feet. ‘Come on, Ackles,’ she said, ‘we’ll get some ice for your hand and we’ll go wait for our boy to wake up, time he gets his lazy ass out of bed, yeah?’

Jensen managed a tremulous smile as he got stiffly to his feet.

‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘yeah, let’s go.’

 

**

 

It was strange, the difference a week could make.

At the beginning of that week, the nurses were optimistic. They smiled at him and Gen as they checked over Jared’s vitals, they told Jensen to talk to Jared, that it would help him to wake up and they told him in such a way that it made Jensen feel like he _would_ wake up, that it _would_ be ok. Sandy visited, and Danneel, with flowers and chocolates and as much high spirits they could muster given the situation.

At the beginning of the _next_ week, the nurse’s smiles had dimmed. A week of no change in Jared and the smiles were less genuine. They started to check Jared’s vitals in silence, and when they met Jensen’s eyes, he saw pity in their gaze. Sandy and Danneel didn’t visit again.

The difference a week could make.

It hurt, but not as much as, after a week and a half, when Kim said she was heading back to the farm, that she needed to get things organised, start cleaning the place, start organising Tahmoh’s funeral.

‘Aren’t you going to wait to hold the funeral?’ Jensen had asked. ‘Until Jared wakes up?’

And Kim had smiled sadly and said nothing.

When she left, Jensen tried not to notice how much Kim’s farewell to the comatose Jared seemed like a final goodbye.

His parents started to gently ask about him returning home. They were happy to keep paying the hotel room he was staying in with Gen, but they started to say words like “real life” and “getting back to things.” The words “moving on” hovered unspoken.

Jensen told them calmly, firmly, that there was no “real life” without Jared.

At the end of two weeks, Gen said, quietly, she was going to head back to the farm. That the funeral was happening and she wanted to attend.

Jensen wanted to yell at her.

It had been Gen and he, each day, at Jared’s bedside, talking. Gen had told stories about Jared over the last few years, the kind of stories that only best friends could tell- about embarrassing moments, the first time she’d gotten Jared drunk, the hilarious attempt at a relationship that he and Sandy had. It had made Jensen simultaneously want to laugh and cry, because he loved to hear these stories, to learn more about Jared, but he hated that this was what had bought him and Gen together. The stories she told should have been shared at a table over drinks, with Jared there to blush and protest. Not shared over his still, pale form, in the calm of a hospital.

But it had been them – the both of them, who’d been steadfast that Jared _would_ wake up, that he _would_ come back to them. And he’d needed that, God – he needed someone to believe with him. Because he wasn’t strong enough to do this on his own, to sit and talk to an unresponsive form, day in day out, and keep the conviction that Jared could hear, that Jared would wake up. Gen had told him if Jared was going to wake up for anyone, it would be for him, but Jensen was starting to doubt that, was starting to think he wasn’t enough, wouldn’t be enough.

‘I’ll be back,’ Gen said, and didn’t look him in the eyes, ‘after the funeral, I’ll come back.’

It was a lie, and Jensen knew it. There was a part, on some level, that couldn’t be angry at Gen, because he knew how she felt, sitting there, watching someone you love waste away. He knew how hard it was to keep coming back to the hospital every day. He knew how a little part of him seemed to shrivel and die with each passing day. It was killing him to be in this hospital, hopelessly, helplessly waiting, and he couldn’t blame Gen for needing to leave, for needing to get away.

She kissed Jared gently on his forehead, closed her eyes, a single tear dropping onto his still face, whispered something against his skin, then straightened up and left the room.

And then there were two, Jensen thought, as he gently squeezed Jared’s hand, gazed at the younger man’s face.

Jared was healing, the injury from the gunshot was progressing nicely, and Jensen tried to count that as a positive. Physically, he tried to tell himself, physically Jared was progressing. Only, it was hard, to focus on that, to stay positive, when Jared was very definitely still comatose, still unresponsive. Still lying in that bed, unmoving save for the rise and fall of his chest.

‘It’s because of… what he did, isn’t it?’ he asked Misha when the doctor was checking over Jared one day, now over an entire month Jared had been in hospital. ‘The whole… psychic powers thing.’

Misha straightened, rubbed at his face. ‘It’s entirely probable, yes,’ he answered. ‘That could be what’s keeping Jared in a comatose state.’

Jensen gazed at Jared’s pale face. ‘Do you think he’s going to wake up?’ he asked quietly.

Misha reached over and squeezed Jensen’s shoulder. ‘I think he’s stronger than everyone is giving him credit for’ he answered.

It wasn’t exactly a straight answer, but it was more encouraging than anything anyone had said to him lately and when Misha flashed a smile it more genuine than any Jensen had seen for a while. Jensen sat back in his chair as Misha left the room, and he kind of hated the silence that followed the doctor’s departure. It felt suffocating, stifling, like it was slowly choking him every day.

He had one hand loosely holding Jared’s and he rubbed a thumb gently against Jared’s skin. He turned to look at the younger man. Over a month of a comatose state had seen Jared lose weight he could already ill afford to lose, his cheekbones more pronounced than normal, the spidery lines of bones across his chest visible beneath the thin hospital gown, his skin was pale and sickly looking, his hair lank and greasy, flat against his head. It was hard to reconcile the way he looked with the vibrant, dimpled, smiling man Jensen loved. Not that he was one to talk. The bedside vigil had done him no favours either - he slept sparingly, fitfully at the hotel nearby, in increments less than a hour at a time. He showered, but didn't shave, his face a scruffy mess, eyes bloodshot, skin pale from being indoors. He could barely stomach food, surviving mostly on coffee, and he could feel his clothes getting looser on his frame. And every day his eyes roamed to nearby liquor stores, the appeal of alcohol, of numbing the pain getting stronger each day. Jensen wondered how much longer he'd hold out. He expelled a long breath, shoulders drooping.

‘Gettin’ a bit ridiculous, this sleepin’ gig,’ Jensen said softly. ‘You can’t tell me you’re not well-rested enough yet, sweetheart.’

There was, of course, no answer.

Jensen sighed. ‘Everyone…’ he faltered. ‘Everyone’s… everyone’s givin’ up, Jay. They’re all… leavin.’ They all think you’re not gonna wake up,’ he blinked a few times, felt his eyes prickle. ‘An’ I wanna be so mad at them – I _do_ – I wanna yell at them, because they’re not supposed to give up on you. But I get it – I do, I _get it_ – this is hard, Jared, it’s _so goddamn hard_ , and I don’t – I _can’t_ – ’ he stuttered, closed his eyes a moment, steadied his breathing, ‘god, it’s just _so hard_ , Jay. I wanna be mad at them for leaving, but instead I’m… instead I’m mad at you, dammit, Jay, because you’re not – because you’re just – you’re not _here_ , you’re not givin’ me, _us_ , any of us, anything, and you’re – you’re supposed to fight, you’re the strongest goddamn person I know, and you’re _supposed_ to be _fighting_ to come back to us – to come back to _me_ , and it feels like you’re not, it feels like you’re not, Jared,’ his voice broke a little, his body slumping. ‘Gen told me – she said you’d wake up for me. She said you would. An’ I believed her an’… please. Jay, _please_. Just wake up for me, please. Come back to me sweetheart, because… because I miss you. I miss and I don't know how much longer I can do this, Jay - I don't - I just - I can't - ’

He gave a little sob, moved to put his head down on Jared’s thin body shoulder, tried to close his eyes and breathe in the scent of Jared, but only inhaling smell of antiseptic, of a hospital.

‘God I miss you,’ he whispered, ‘I just miss you _so much_. I love you and I miss you and I just want you back. Please, Jay. Please. I miss you sweetheart.’

There was, of course, no answer.

And Jensen burrowed into the crook between Jared’s neck and shoulder, closed his eyes, and cried.

 

**

 

Jensen wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, figured he must’ve exhausted himself crying, and he awoke awkwardly hunched over the bed, his back aching, face still on Jared’s shoulder. He clenched his eyes a little, gave a small groan of pain, and went to shift and straighten up.

Then something registered.

He’d fallen asleep with his hand still entwined with Jared’s and he felt – he felt, for the first time in so long, he felt twitching, _Jared’s fingers twitching_ and a noise punched out of Jensen like he’d been hit. He sat up bolt right so fast his back twinged and pain shot up his spine, but he barely registered, was staring at their entwined hands, eyes wide. Jared’s fingers twitched, shifted in his grip.

‘Jared?’ Jensen whispered, and looked to Jared’s face.

His breath caught in his chest. There was movement beneath Jared’s eyelids. Vaguely Jensen thought that he needed to press the call button, needed to get Misha immediately, but he was frozen, transfixed, unable to move. Jared’s head shifted on the pillow, rolling a little to one side. His eyelids fluttered. Jensen’s heart leapt in his chest.

‘Jay?’

He saw the younger man’s eyelids part, glimpsed a sliver of those hazel eyes and a choked off noise escaped Jensen’s lips. He galvanized into movement, pressing the call button hard, his heart thundering in his chest.

Then he reached with his free hand, cupping Jared’s face.

‘That’s it,’ his voice was shaking, trembling, ‘that’s it sweetheart.’

Jared’s eyelids fluttered, opened at half-mast and Jensen’s eyes met a groggy hazel gaze. The smile on Jensen’s face felt like it would split his face in half, so wide, so intense it almost hurt.

‘Hi there’ he whispered.

Jared blinked a few times, eyes wandering a little, looking a bit unfocused. They finally settled on Jensen’s face, and he saw the light of recognition. A dry tongue peeked to lick at chapped lips.

‘Jen…?’ Jared’s voice was a hoarse, painful sounding croak.

It was the best thing Jensen had ever heard.

Tears prickled at his eyes. ‘Hey,’ his voice cracked, ‘ _hey_ , welcome back, sweetheart.’

Jared blinked slowly a few times, his mouth worked a little, and a raspy noise escaped, causing him to wince. Jensen jolted.

'Shit, sorry - you must - I'll just - sorry - I - '

He grabbed water from the bedside, slopping and spilling it in his hurry, his whole body shaking, trembling, bringing it to Jared's lips and letting a small amount dribble past. Jared swallowed a little, still looking woozy, out of it. Jensen took the jug back, placed it down.

'I don't - you might not - I should wait -' he could barely get a sentence out. 

His body started to deflate, the tension, the fear, the dread that had been wound so tightly in his body finally, _finally_ releasing, unclenching and he reached to cup Jared's face again. 'God - god, Jay, god, I just - _god_ \- ' a little sob escaped. 'I'm - it's - I'm so glad. I'm _so glad_ you're awake sweetheart, so glad.'

Jared looked a little confused, blinking slowly, raised a weak hand and swiped at the tears on Jensen's face clumsily.

'...k?' he managed to rasp out, brow furrowing in concern.

Jensen heard the door open and Misha and nurses enter and he couldn't stop a semi-hysterical laugh escaping his lips. Because Jared - Jared, who'd been shot, been in a coma for so long - _Jared_ was asking _him_ if _he_ was ok, and it was so... so _Jared_ , so like him, that Jensen wanted to cry, and laugh, and wrap the younger man in his arms and never let him go.

'I'm ok,' he shook his head, tears flinging a little, 'I'm ok, I'm _so_ ok - I - you have no idea. I missed you - I missed you _so fucking much Jay_ \- '

He knew the nurses were hovering, that they and Misha needed to look Jared over, needed to check him, but he wanted, just a moment, _he wanted_ , to hold, to feel, to touch. He slid both his arms around Jared’s form and enveloped him in a soft gentle hug, burying his face into Jared’s chest, breathed in, wanted to get closer, couldn't get close enough to him, _couldn't get close enough_ \- 

‘Love you,’ he murmured, ‘I love you so much.’

He heard and felt Jared give a little sigh, and a weak, trembling hand slid to stroke at his side.

‘Love y'too’ the hoarse voice whispered.

And just like that, Jensen thought, everything in the world was right once more.


	18. Epilogue

‘You want to stop with the knee jiggling?’ Rich called over the seat. ‘Because you’re kind of driving me insane.’

‘Nope,’ Jensen replied absently, staring out of his window, one knee vibrating with nerves and tensions, ‘and deal with it.’

Rich gave a loud, audible sigh. ‘Hopeless’ he muttered, loud enough for Jensen to hear.

Jensen ignored it. Mostly because it was true. It had only been four days – _four days_ – but he was vibrating with anxiety and nerves, desperate and buzzing and wishing Rich would drive faster because he wanted to get home.

Wanted to get back to Jared.

Rich was right – four days without the younger man, four days of conducting business in LA, _only four days_ , and Jensen was a mess. He _was_ hopeless.

He couldn’t find it in himself to really care. Could anyone really blame him after everything that had happened?

It hadn’t been easy, even after the obstacle of Jared actually waking up had been overcome. It was like that had been the first step of many. Jared himself had physical therapy, after over a month of being motionless, and breathing exercises after the damage to his lungs. And Jensen had been focused so much on that – on Jared getting better, being healthy, safe, just on _Jared_ , that it was almost two months before it became apparent that he himself was not ok.

It was nightmares at first, and he managed to hide them, because Jared didn’t need it, didn’t need the burden on top of everything else he was dealing with. But Jensen was sleeping less and less and each time he drifted off he fell into the same nightmares – _Mark’s face, sneering, smirking, Jared, Jared bleeding out in his arms, Jared never waking up, Jared dying, Jensen helpless to stop it, helpless, hopeless_ – and he would wake, heart pounding, drenched in sweat, desperately reaching for Jared to feel his chest rise and fall, feel his heart beat and assure himself he was alive.

He started to get anxious when Jared slept – the first time he came back to the cottage after a day of working on house plans in town using the internet, and Jared was on the couch, fast asleep, Jensen had all but stopped breathing, because all he’d been able to see was Jared on that goddamn hospital bed, when Jensen didn’t know he was going to wake up, didn’t know if he’d ever open his eyes again.

He started to get panic attacks. Episodes of terror, acute and debilitating, breath shorting in his chest, his heart pounding a mile a minute, body shaking, pins and needles racing up his hands and feet, his vision wavering and blurring. It was worse if he was away from Jared, was unable to verify the younger man was ok with his own eyes. He managed to hide them well, better than he could’ve ever thought he could.

Until the closed courtroom, five months later, and there was Mark Pellegrino – Mark being sentenced, Mark with an easy, smiling smirk on his face, like he couldn’t care less. Mark turning in his seat to catch Jensen’s eyes, smile, wink and mouth, ‘ _be seeing you_.’

Then the man’s eyes slid to an oblivious Jared alongside Jensen, and he’d licked his lips, obviously, leeringly.

Jensen’s heart rate had sky-rocketed, his breath becoming shorter, sharper, he’d scrambled from his chair, fled from the courtroom and managed to just get outside, with anxious voices in his wake, before his legs gave out and he’d collapsed on the ground.

Jared had been there in an instant, and Jensen had clung to the younger man until his breathing slowed, until the dark spots receded from his vision.

‘It’s ok, Jen, it’s ok,’ Jared had murmured, hands stroking, soothing. ‘Everything’s ok.’

They told him Mark was going away for a long time, to not worry. But Jensen thought of the maniacal glint in Mark’s eyes, the easy confident smile, and thought that they shouldn’t underestimate him, ever.

After that courtroom panic attack, Jared gently, firmly, told Jensen he should see someone. A shrink. Jensen had bristled, snapped that he didn’t need a shrink, he was fine, _Jared_ was the one who’d been through hell and back throughout his entire life, who’d been shot and put in a coma. What right did Jensen have to go off and whine about his problems when he hadn’t been through nowhere near as much as Jared had?

It was Gen who’d cornered him, jammed a business card into his hand. She told him it was the details of shrink she’d started seeing since Jared had woken up in hospital. Jensen had stared at her, startled. Of all the people, he wouldn’t have expected Gen to start seeing a shrink. She’d told him it helped, with her own long-held guilt, with her over-protectiveness, her aversion to change. And then she’d told him it might help him too.

‘And it’s not a sign of weakness,’ Gen had said, her face softening a tiny bit, ‘if anything, it helps make you stronger. You want to help Jared, be there, you gotta take care of yourself first. And I know you think all this stuff happened to Jared, but a lot of it happened to you too. Seeing someone you love shot, being threatened, seeing people die. Shit, Jensen, anyone else would’ve had a full blown breakdown by now. Just give it a shot, ok? For Jared.’

 Those were the magic words, and Jensen had relented and given it a try. And it had helped, to talk, to sort through the mess of emotions, fear, guilt and worry he’d had since that night. The nightmares lessened, the panic attacks abated, and when Jared told him he was starting working with Misha in exercising and controlling the physic powers, he only stopped breathing for ten seconds, as opposed what probably would’ve been a full minute, so he considered it an improvement.

‘What if – what if it happens again? What if you over-exert and pass out and go into a coma again? You can’t – _I can’t_ –’ he’d panicked, memories crashing like waves into his brain.

‘Jen, I need to do this,’ Jared had explained gently, firmly. ‘This is going to _help_ that to never happen again. This is going to help me get control. It’ll be ok.’

Jensen didn’t 100% believe that, and even now, nearing on two years later, he still got a flutter of nerves and fear whenever Jared practiced with Misha. Tried to smile when Jared enthusiastically told him he was getting better, could control it better, when what he really wanted was for Jared to never use his powers again.

But things were better, on the whole. The house had been built in a little over a year and Jensen had been living there for about five months now. Jared had moved in straight away, for which Jensen was eternally grateful, because, even with working through his issues with his psychologist, he still preferred to have Jared nearby. The garden was coming along nicely, tended to lovingly by the younger man, and Jensen had commissioned them to build a small, separate unit apart from the main house, where Rich and Rob lived. He’d been happy that his father had had them assigned permanently to his security detail, both because he would’ve missed them had they not been there, and because he liked the added level of protection.

On top of their presence, the house had the best security system money could buy installed, monitors, cameras, locks, alarms, the works. Kim had teased him about it, offered to buy him a guard dog, told him he was one step away from barbed wire fences. Jensen laughed along, but it didn't change his mind. Everyone else might have dismissed Mark now he was in jail, but Jensen wouldn’t.

‘“Be seeing you”’ Jensen said one night, curled around Jared’s warm form, ‘that’s what he mouthed to me.’

‘He’s a psychopath, Jen,’ Jared had mumbled back sleepily. ‘He was just tryin’ to rattle you.’

‘Maybe’ Jensen said.

But he wasn’t so sure.

Jared had shyly, tentatively began to look into enrolling in a college course. (‘I was thinking… English literature… and writing… maybe?’ he’d asked Jensen, like Jensen would say no, like Jensen wouldn’t be so goddamn proud of the kid for taking this step.) Jensen was working with his dad’s company more closely, which meant he occasionally did have to go to LA, for a night or two. They kept in contact, of course, while he was away and he always made sure either Rob or Rich stayed back. He wouldn't take chances with Jared's safety.

Four days was probably the longest he’d been away, which was why he was currently feeling so antsy, like he was going to jump out of his skin. He felt some of the tension ease as the car crested a hill and he caught his first glimpse of his house up ahead.

‘See, still standing’ Rich joked.

Jensen rolled his eyes. ‘Shuddup’ he said, kicking the back of Rich’s seat.

‘It’s cute,’ Rich caught his eye in the rear-view mirror and winked teasingly, ‘you are _whi-pped’_ he sing-songed.

‘You keep this up and you’ll be _fi-red’_ Jensen sing-songed back, and kicked the back of his chair again for good measure.

The instant they parked, Jensen hopped nimbly from the car and all but bounded up the steps, drawing his keys from his pocket to unlock the front door.

‘Oh don’t worry about me,’ Rich called out peevishly, ‘I’ll just carry your stuff in, yeah?’

Jensen flapped a hand. ‘Cool, thanks Rich!’ he called back cheekily.

He heard Rich curse and call him something less than flattering, but he ignored it as he opened the front door and swept inside.

‘Honey, I’m home!’ he called loudly.

‘Kitchen!’ a voice shouted back, and Jensen couldn’t help the little leap his heart did at the familiar voice.

He padded down the hall and turned to enter the kitchen, his stomach swooping as Jared glanced up from the paper he was currently skimming, meeting his gaze and breaking into a familiar dimpled smile.

‘Hey!’ Jared greeted him.

Anything that had been tense inside Jensen immediately unravelled, loosened and he moved forward quickly, meeting Jared as he rose from the kitchen bench and enveloping him into a hug, tight and warm.

‘Hey’ he breathed out, closing his eyes a moment, relishing the feel of Jared against him, the familiar scent of him.

He pulled back a little to gaze up into the younger man’s face. Jared’s face was full of affection, a soft smile on his face.

‘Missed you’ Jensen said.

‘Missed you too, Jen’ Jared answered.

Jensen moved his hands to cup the back of Jared’s head. ‘C’mere, it’s been too goddamn long since I kissed you’ he growled.

Jared huffed a chuckle, but let himself be tugged down and their lips met. Jared’s parted easily and Jensen swept his tongue inside the younger man’s mouth, closing his eyes and losing himself in the taste, the scent, the feel of Jared. He pushed closer, pushed his body against the younger man, tightened his grip in Jared’s hair, sucked on the younger man’s tongue, revelled in the moan it drew, could feel the first stirrings of heat pool low in his belly because he’d missed this, missed Jared and –

‘Warning! Warning!’ Rich’s voice yelled from the hallway. ‘Security approaching! Cease fornication immediately!’

Jensen broke the kiss with an annoyed huff, turning to glare at Rich as the man came into the kitchen, exaggeratedly covering his eyes and waving a hand clutching an orange envelope wildly. Jared looked a little flushed, dazed, panting and so goddamn adorable and sexy at the same time that Jensen felt another surge of annoyance.

‘Did I mention something about firing you?’ he growled as he manoeuvred to hold one arm around Jared’s waist. ‘I think I mentioned something about firing you.’

‘You’d never,’ Rich responded with a grin, dropping his hand. ‘You love me too much.’

‘That’s up for debate’ Jensen grumbled.

‘Aww, don't be like that - look, I even bought in your mail’ Rich said, smiling winningly, holding out the envelope.

Jensen disentangled himself from Jared, peering at the envelope. It was A4 size, orange and practically bulging and thick. He tilted his head to one side.

‘Jesus, did someone send us a book?’ he said, reaching for it.

He tugged the envelope from Rich’s hands, scanned the front, registered it as addressed to “J. Padalecki” and turned to Jared.

‘Think it’s for you, Jay’ he said, holding it out.

Jared looked confused a moment, taking the envelope, and then he flipped it over and paused, staring at the return address scrawled on the top.

‘It’s from Misha’ he said softly.

‘Misha? Why didn’t he just give it you next time you have your…’ Jensen struggled a moment, then flapped a hand, ‘lessons.’

‘He’s away,’ Jared was still staring at the envelope, ‘for a month. Something about a top secret mission involving rhinos.’

‘Come again?’ Jensen blinked.

Jared didn’t answer, was still staring at the envelope. Jensen started to get the feeling something was up and he shot Rich a pointed look.

‘I’ll just – I’ll just head to say hi to Rob, leave you two alone’ Rich said hastily, backing from the room.

Once he was gone, Jensen reached to lightly cup Jared’s elbow.

‘Jay?’ he asked.

‘I – I asked Misha… a while back, god, I can’t even remember how long ago now,’ Jared started, ‘to… look into things. The psychic powers. Look into my parents. See what he could find about them, if there’s any… if there’s anything. And he… he did some tests.’

‘Tests?’ Jensen tensed.

Jared shrugged. ‘Just stuff – blood work, scans,’ he rubbed a hand on his face, ‘I just wanted… to know. I guess. Maybe. And I asked him to get all the info together, plus anything else he could tell me… maybe stuff about others, whatever he was allowed to say. This… this is probably everything. The results of everything.’

Jensen swallowed, stared at the envelope. ‘You didn’t tell me,’ he couldn’t help feeling a little hurt, ‘you didn’t tell me you were doing that.’

Jared looked apologetic. ‘You were – it was when you were going through that bad time, with Mark’s trial, and the psychic powers thing… you were still on edge about it. Still are. And then… then Mish never got back to me, so I forgot about it, I guess. I’m sorry, Jen, I didn’t mean… I wasn’t trying to…’

Jensen shook his head, squeezed Jared’s elbow. ‘It’s fine, it’s fine, sweetheart,’ he smiled. ‘I get it.’

They stood for a moment. Jared was still holding the envelope in his hands.

‘Do you… do you want to open it then?’ Jensen asked.

‘I… honestly, I don’t know’ Jared confessed.

Jensen arched an eyebrow questioningly.

‘I mean – at the time – I did, I wanted… because of everything that happened, you know? And I guess I was scared,’ Jared explained. ‘But now… now I mean. I’m ok. I’m good – and I’m going good with control and… now I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to know. About my parents, or others. It won’t change anything, you know? I’ll still have the powers. I just… I don’t know if it’s a can of worms that I want to open… ‘ he paused, then added softly, ‘that I’m _ready_ to open.’

Jensen gazed at his lover, then he reached out and gently tugged the envelope from Jared’s hands. He didn't - and he couldn't stop the thought from entering his mind - he didn't want Jared to open it. Didn't want Jared to read the contents of the envelope. Because Jared was right, he _was_ on edge about the psychic powers. Had been since he'd seen them almost tear Jared's mind apart.

But it wasn't his decision to make.

‘If you’re not ready, you’re not ready,’ he said gently. ‘Don’t force yourself, sweetheart. Whatever... whatever you want to do with this envelope, that's what we'll do, ok?'

Jared bit his lip, still looking conflicted and Jensen made a decision.

‘Tell you what,’ he said, ‘I’ll put it in the safe. We’ll lock it up, and… when you want to… _if_ you want to ever look at it, we’ll get it out then. Ok?’

Jared gazed at the thick envelope, then nodded slowly. ‘Ok…’ he said., then looked up and met Jensen’s eyes. ‘Ok,’ he said, more determinedly.

‘Good’ Jensen smiled.

The tension faded from Jared’s shoulders. ‘Thanks, Jen’ he said.

Jensen cupped Jared’s face, stroked his cheek, and lifted on tiptoes to brush a kiss over his lips. ‘Nothin’ to thank me for, sweetheart’ he said.

He kissed him chastely, gently, once more, then turned and headed for the study. He got to the safe, punched in the code and then placed the envelope inside. There was movement behind him and he turned to see Jared leaning against the doorway, watching carefully.

Jensen took a moment, glancing back to the safe, to be thankful that what he’d had in the safe up till four days ago had been taken out. He’d needed to get it engraved after all, and being in LA had presented the perfect opportunity.

But yes, it was for the best he’d taken the little jewellery box from the safe, the silver ring inside it.

No sense in spoiling that surprise.

He locked the safe up, turned to smile at Jared. They were going to dinner tomorrow night. Jared thought it was just to celebrate Jensen being back. In a way it was, but, Jensen had an ulterior motive. An important question to ask. One he'd been waiting for a while to ask, waiting for the right moment. He’d bought the ring just days after Jared had woken up in hospital, had been holding onto it since then. Now? Now, though he realised there was no reason to hold back any longer. There never had been a reason to hold back really, he realised because he knew, had always known, for him, Jared was it.

Jared was perfect.

‘You ok?’ he rose to walk over to Jared, slid a hand to the younger man’s waist.

‘Mmm,’ Jared leant forward a little, resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder. ‘Jus’… just glad you’re home.’

Jensen lifted a hand to stroke the hairs at the back of Jared’s neck, turned his head a little to kiss the top of the younger man’s head. ‘I’m glad I’m home too’ he said softly.

Jared drew back, straightened up. ‘What do you say we order pizza and watch crappy action movies tonight?’ he suggested.

Jensen looked up at Jared, eyes roving the dimpled smile, the soft, floppy hair, the hazel eyes and the sheer love that swelled in his chest was almost overwhelming, all consuming.

‘Perfect’ he said.

And he wasn’t just talking about the movie night.

 

**

 

On principle, Gil did not like criminals. It sort of came with the territory of being in law enforcement, after all. So yes - someone breaking the law, Gil was going to be inclined to dislike them.

Mark Pellegrino though.

Mark Pellegrino, Gil _hated_.

_Hated_ with a passion. _Hated_ and was pretty sure he would _still_ hate even if the guy wasn’t a murderous wanna-be mobster. It was everything, from the sarcastic tilt of his smile, the knowing glint in those cold blue eyes, the unflappability, the sheer overwhelming confidence that oozed right from his smarmy pores, even as he sat across from Gil in the goddamn orange jumpsuit of a prisoner, even with his hands handcuffed to the table.

Yeah, Gil loathed this guy.

He worked to keep it from his face though, kept things smooth and professional as he took his seat across from him.

‘So,’ he said, ‘ready to talk today? Ready to give us those names?’

The names of those Mark still had on the outside, of those still out there, murderers, drug manufacturers, the loose ends of Mark’s kingdom still struggling while the king languished in prison. Mark smiled and leant forward, lying both hands flat on the table. Gil tried not to look at the three stubs where his fingers should be.

‘Depends,’ the criminal answered, ‘did you get me what I asked for?’

Gil tensed, hesitated. Not a plea deal. Not a reduced sentence. No. That wasn’t what Mark had asked for. And Gil didn’t like what Mark _had_ asked for. He didn’t like it one bit. But he wasn’t the boss, and those higher up seemed to think there was no harm and giving Mark what he wanted. So, against all instincts, Gil flipped open his folder, took the photograph out and slid it across the table to Mark.

Mark took it delicately, picked it up with his good hand and smiled.

‘Ahhh…’ he let out a sigh, caught Gil’s gaze and winked. ‘This’ll serve me well on those long, lonely nights.’

Gil couldn’t stop his face twisting in disgust.

Mark inclined his head. ‘No, no, you misunderstand me, agent,’ he smiled smoothly. ‘I mean, it’s a pretty package, for sure, but it’s what _inside_ that I’m interested in.’

He looked back at the photo and traced fingers over floppy, shaggy hair and hazel eyes and his smile widened, stretched. This time it was a shudder Gil couldn’t stop, the chill racing down his spine.

‘Oh yes,’ Mark whispered, _‘very_ interested _indeed_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEEWWWWWWWWWWWW.  
>   
> There we have it, my first fic! As you can see, I've left some things open (what's in the envelope? What is Mark thinking?) I was thinking of maybe writing a sequel at some point in the future, BUT, that being said I'm currently in the midst of writing two other fics, both of them A/B/O, one murder mystery and one werewolf one - so I'll be focusing on finishing and posting those first :)  
>   
> More importantly, however, A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ, COMMENTED AND KUDOS'D <3 <3 <3
> 
> Honestly, you're all amazing and helped inspire me so much to finish this fic, especially when good old writer's block came a'knocking and I had to push through. Much love to you all and big thanks again :) :) xx


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